Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stbxh had EA with DB wife.

81 replies

Dunnowhattodonow · 13/12/2022 04:41

DB and his wife had a relationship emergency a fortnight ago as she was having an affair. In the process of him telling me all about this latest affair, it came out she and my stbxh has essentially an emotional affair. It may not have been full on but it was something more than just friends that I had picked up on and stbx lied and gaslit me about it the whole time, over a year, despite seeing how upset I was getting at knowing something wasn’t right. I just knew from his changes in behaviour and their constant eye contacts when we’d meet up that something was going on. She at least is honest when found out and did say they didn’t progress to physical. That’s irrelevant, she did with this latest affair.

Having it confirmed two weeks ago allowed me to see it wasn’t in my head and to make the necessary changes to my relationship. We are now separating. I’m devastated and my kids are devastated but I cannot trust him. He lies to me constantly and I cannot live with that. That’s not what a loving relationship is.

The problem is my DB has decided yet again to forgive his wife (this latest ‘thing’ isn’t her first affair) and I have to see her all over Christmas because he insists they appear as a proper family and show everyone how strong they are. I’m expected to sit with them as the newly single sister at my parents for Christmas dinner and play happy families when all I want to do is rip her throat out for effectively destroying two families. My brother begs me not to tell our parents about what his wife has been up to , which means I’m meant to stay quiet about what my stbxh has been up to. Im meant to lie to them all and hide my hurt and dislike of this woman’s involvement in my relationship breaking up. Yes I know she wasn’t in a relationship with me and she didn’t afaik force my stbxh to lie about their relationship but she is family and there ought to have been a boundary that

she and my stbxh should never have crossed.

I need my parents for support as this is all so recent and I know that if they found out the truth they wouldn’t have her there but then my brother and his kids won’t go to my parents either and it would destroy even more relationships and he needs the normality of them to get him through and their kids enjoy playing with mine and why should they suffer
too… but why should I have that reminder at every family event for the rest of my life?

Having no one to turn to, I post anonymously here because my life has been ripped apart and I see my brothers life having been ripped apart and somehow it all links to the one person who gets away with it every time.

I don’t really know what to do. How do I survive my first Xmas alone with my sil/OW sitting there gloating and pretending nothing’s wrong?

OP posts:
Remaker · 13/12/2022 04:48

I would say you don’t go along with the charade. You tell your parents the truth - they are your parents too and you are entitled to their support. If you can’t bear seeing her then can you suggest celebrating separately with your parents - on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day?

Your brother is entitled to make whatever decisions he wants to about his marriage. But he can’t bully others into creating a false reality for him. Not when you are directly involved!

PlantsAndSpaniels · 13/12/2022 04:53

Agree, I couldn't lie about the main reason my relationship broke down just because it suits brother.

The only other option is to tell them the truth, but leave out who and instead make iy obvious that its her, and let them figure it out over Christmas Dinner.

MamaFirst · 13/12/2022 04:57

It sounds like you are sacrificing a lot for your brother, whilst he asks far too much of you and shows you no consideration in return. That's completely unfair and unreasonable of him, and shockingly selfish to ask you to spend special family with the OW. I would be honest and tell him that and that you will not spend Christmas with her whilst continuing to lie to your parents. She should not attend.

Butterfly44 · 13/12/2022 05:02

They are your parents. You need their support so you tell them the truth. It has to come out somewhen. (This won't be her last affair.)
How your DB chooses to be is his own problem to sort, not yours. It's also raw so I'd be keeping out her way, and avoid talking for the whole time...which is why you need your parents help and support with this.
You are right to feel aggrieved. Your DB is selfish for thinking only about his own circumstances and not considering your circumstances or feelings.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 13/12/2022 05:02

Don’t collide in the lie.
it will come out at some point and your parents will be very upset that you took the decision out of their hands as to how they want to handle it. If you don’t say anything you are joining in the lie and it will eat at you and be a burden. Visit your parents alone well before hand and relay all the facts calmly and clearly and let them make up their own minds.
Don’t feed the drama it will never stop.
Hope you’re ok what a situation.

ChiefPearlClutcher · 13/12/2022 05:03

*collude

DrMarciaFieldstone · 13/12/2022 05:30

Nah, don’t go along with it. Why should she get any goodwill from you.

I’d never want to set eyes on her again, personally. If my DB chose to forgive her, then sod him too.

There are consequences to your actions in life, why should she be any different.

MsDogLady · 13/12/2022 06:00

@Dunnowhattodonow, I wouldn’t perpetuate the cheaters’ corrosive secret or take away your parents’ agency and choices by keeping them in the dark. There have already been too many destructive secrets, and they deserve to know the truth.

SIL made the choice to betray you and your children. There’s no way I’d be sharing a table with her for Christmas dinner.

summergone · 13/12/2022 06:09

Your brother doesn't want your parents knowing as he thinks they will obviously be angry with her and he intends to be a mug and stay with her . What a horrible person she is and she gets to sit there and play happy families ! No chance !

Original poster
Dunnowhattodonow · 13/12/2022 06:10

Thank you. I know deep down you’re all correct but I can’t help feeling bad for my deluded brother and don’t want his life to be any more difficult right now. I think for me finding out was a relief, it confirmed what I knew and separating was a long time coming but my brother still lives in denial and is miles away from that realisation. I kind of want to protect him which doesn’t do anyone any favours.

I think I do need to speak to one of my parents first. Perhaps my dad who is less
emotionally driven and would be better speaking to my brother. My mum would fly off the handle and likely cause a big drama in front of the kids and anyone else who happened to be around..

I think writing it down helped me see the absolutely mental situation more clearly. I still can’t believe this is where I am right now and this is how my life is turning out.

OP posts:
iceberrywhite · 13/12/2022 06:18

No, she doesn't get away with it OP. Your brother needs to face the reality, she needs to face the consequences of her actions. I really feel for you, what an absolute b%£ch to do this and a betrayal. 😥
Yes, speak to your dad first. Do not go along living a lie, it will absolutely come out anyway. I'm sure your parents will sense something is up! You will get through this, suggest you book in for some counselling

Crazypaving22 · 13/12/2022 06:28

I'm so glad you've decided to tell your parents.

You matter.

You need to have their support.

Your brother clearly knows the drill with his wife, but you're still in a state of shock and trauma, as are your children. Put yourself first, I'm glad you're putting yourself first and in doing so you might force your brother to wake up to who he is married to.

Get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life' as well, it will help you see things more clearly and support you in getting through the separation.

Flowers
MangoBiscuit · 13/12/2022 06:30

Absolutely fucking not. If your brother doesn't want you to tell your parents WHO your STBXH was having an affair with, then he needs to keep his wife the hell away from you.

I am actually disgusted that he wants to force you and your children to play happily families with her.

Original poster
Dunnowhattodonow · 13/12/2022 06:33

@Crazypaving22 thank you for the recommendation- I shall look that up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dunnowhattodonow · 13/12/2022 06:35

MangoBiscuit · 13/12/2022 06:30

Absolutely fucking not. If your brother doesn't want you to tell your parents WHO your STBXH was having an affair with, then he needs to keep his wife the hell away from you.

I am actually disgusted that he wants to force you and your children to play happily families with her.

I think he’s a bit deluded and distraught. He’s really not thinking clearly and I suspect Christmas holidays at home with her and the kids is going to amplify the problems. I hope he comes to his senses and doesn’t settle back into it. How he can believe she won’t do it again is beyond me.

OP posts:
katmarie · 13/12/2022 06:35

You are under no obligation to protect your brothers delusion of how his marriage is. You will need your parents support in the coming weeks and months and the last thing you'll need is more lies and half truths floating about muddying the waters.

I feel for your brother, but he has made his choices, and the consequences are his to bear unfortunately. He is asking too much of you to bear the consequences of your exh's awful choices, as well as those of his own bad decisions. I suspect he knows that the reconciliation with his wife is fragile, and won't stand up to family scrutiny.

BadNomad · 13/12/2022 06:42

It's also not fair for your parents, maybe even humiliating for them, to spend Christmas being warm and kind towards your SIL while everyone else knows the truth. And, quite frankly, your SIL should have thought about this when she crossed the line with your husband. It's a whole other level of betrayal when you cheat with family.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/12/2022 06:43

I do think that telling your parents will hopefully gain you support, however you do need to consider how you will cope if they decide to go down the apeasement route 'for the sake of the children' and also expect you and her to have a truce over Christmas. I am not saying that they will or you should, however it is easy at the other end of the internet to say to tell them but only you know your family and how you might feel if they still let her come at Christmas. Well done for taking a stand and losing the loser.

hadenoughforever · 13/12/2022 06:45

Agree with all other ops. You can’t participate in your brother’s narrative just to placate him or the unsettling feelings that your mum won’t handle it well either. Do speak to your dad and then step back and make your own Christmas plans. This situation has placed in you in untenable place imo and timing (eg Christmas) but best to get some distance. You can hardly play Happy Families no matter how much you love your brother (and that’s difficult because you think now that you are hurting him if you don’t play along, but in the long term, I doubt if his relationship will last from what you’ve outlined). Thinking of you.

tenbob · 13/12/2022 06:48

Your stbExH has gaslit you, and you respond by kicking him out

your brother is also gaslighting you, and expects you to play happy families

fuck that shit

BMrs · 13/12/2022 06:50

Absolutely tell them- you need their support! And I wouldn't spend Xmas day with her, I'd spend it at home with the kids and celebrate with your parents Xmas Eve or Boxing Day. That will be excruciating and your brother should be more understating and not be putting you in that position.

MeJane · 13/12/2022 06:51

Your brother is entitled to make whatever decisions he wants to about his marriage. But he can’t bully others into creating a false reality for him. Not when you are directly involved!
Absolutely. He wants to pretend it's all fine and you are the sacrifice.

You can talk to your own parents about whatever you want! I could almost understand it if they were someone else's parents, but they aren't. They are yours.

Eixample · 13/12/2022 06:53

If you are in tough with your SIL privately, can suggest that she comes down with a bug suddenly on Christmas morning and sends your brother to your parents alone?

MistletoeandBaileys · 13/12/2022 07:07

If it was me OP it would end up like an Eastenders Christmas special. I’d probably have drank too much and blurted it out.

Your brother can live in denial all he wants, he can choose to stay with her, he can build a fantasy but he can’t tell you who you can and can’t tell.

I echo what a PP said too. When they find out because they will find out eventually they will be hurt by it and embarrassed. And it might do your brother no harm to have your mum give him a reality check (away from kids) about what kind of person he is married too.

frazzledasarock · 13/12/2022 07:15

your brother can decide what he wants to do with his family.

you need the love and support of your family. Tell your parents the truth, and suggest to them you have Christmas together and your brother and family can have a separate Christmas with them. Just for now as it’s so raw.

your brother sounds controlling to be honest, it wouldn’t matter if he wanted to hide his wife’s affairs but he can’t make you lie and lose out on support and force you to play happy families with someone who has hurt you, especially so recently.

put yourself first and let your brother deal with his own decisions. You can’t lie about this you need your family.