Stbxh had EA with DB wife.

[Dunnowhattodonow]

DB and his wife had a relationship emergency a fortnight ago as she was having an affair. In the process of him telling me all about this latest affair, it came out she and my stbxh has essentially an emotional affair. It may not have been full on but it was something more than just friends that I had picked up on and stbx lied and gaslit me about it the whole time, over a year, despite seeing how upset I was getting at knowing something wasn’t right. I just knew from his changes in behaviour and their constant eye contacts when we’d meet up that something was going on. She at least is honest when found out and did say they didn’t progress to physical. That’s irrelevant, she did with this latest affair.

Having it confirmed two weeks ago allowed me to see it wasn’t in my head and to make the necessary changes to my relationship. We are now separating. I’m devastated and my kids are devastated but I cannot trust him. He lies to me constantly and I cannot live with that. That’s not what a loving relationship is.

The problem is my DB has decided yet again to forgive his wife (this latest ‘thing’ isn’t her first affair) and I have to see her all over Christmas because he insists they appear as a proper family and show everyone how strong they are. I’m expected to sit with them as the newly single sister at my parents for Christmas dinner and play happy families when all I want to do is rip her throat out for effectively destroying two families. My brother begs me not to tell our parents about what his wife has been up to , which means I’m meant to stay quiet about what my stbxh has been up to. Im meant to lie to them all and hide my hurt and dislike of this woman’s involvement in my relationship breaking up. Yes I know she wasn’t in a relationship with me and she didn’t afaik force my stbxh to lie about their relationship but she is family and there ought to have been a boundary that

she and my stbxh should never have crossed.

I need my parents for support as this is all so recent and I know that if they found out the truth they wouldn’t have her there but then my brother and his kids won’t go to my parents either and it would destroy even more relationships and he needs the normality of them to get him through and their kids enjoy playing with mine and why should they suffer
too… but why should I have that reminder at every family event for the rest of my life?

Having no one to turn to, I post anonymously here because my life has been ripped apart and I see my brothers life having been ripped apart and somehow it all links to the one person who gets away with it every time.

I don’t really know what to do. How do I survive my first Xmas alone with my sil/OW sitting there gloating and pretending nothing’s wrong?

Your Db is disgraceful trying to remove your support network. Tell your parents, why should she get to sit there having a lovely time as though she’s done nothing wrong. Fuck that shit.

The way I see it you have a few different options here:

1. Be totally honest. Tell your DB that you need support with the separation and your parents are your support network and therefore you will be telling your parents as you do, in fact, need the support. It is up to him to manage his relationship with his wife. Tell him that you cannot spend Christmas with his wife, but you will be with your parents.

2. Be partially honest with your parents. Tell them about the affair but don't say who it is. Tell them that you know the woman, she is in your life and very difficult to avoid. Chances are your parents will tell your DB about your situation and mention it in front of your SIL, slagging off your XH or the OW. She'll feel so awkward that she'll avoid you all. They may also figure it out then technically you haven't told them.

3. Lie and go along with what your DB wants regardless of how it affects you and your MH. Ruin your own Christmas to keep him happy in what will ultimately be a temporary marriage.

Personally, I'd tell your parents and I'd say that you can't spend Christmas with her. Whether they chose you tell her not to come or tell you not to come, at least you know where you stand.

Also....I'd be asking your DB if he really cares that little for you.... is he really prepared to hurt you so much to get his own way? If so, I'd be cutting him out of my life

Honesty is the best policy. If it comes out later, how are you going to explain to your parents how you could sit there and act like nothing was wrong?

There are a few posts implying that if I don’t speak up now it’s all my own fault what happens after today and I’ll get the blame. I’d just like to reiterate I did fuck all in any of this. I was looking after my children and going to work to keep them fed and warm absolutely oblivious. I will accept zero blame for what has happened and the idea I should or could shoulder any responsibility for this or any situation arising from this made me sad for the lives of those who think that way. Even my stupid brother is a victim in this, despite his initial reaction.

I ended up speaking to one of my parents and the were understandably sad but have told me I need to sort it out with sister in law to keep the peace. My response consisted of a short sharp fuck off. I will not be made to shoulder any responsibility for what has happened or will happen in the next few weeks. It is not my role to be peacemaker with the woman who has split up multiple families and risks destroying my and my brothers relationship with our parents just to keep Christmas amicable. I will be telling her rather impolitely she has to find alternative arrangements for Christmas because she’s not welcome and after talking to him today I actually think my brother will be relieved.

My brother is understandably distressed and he still hasn’t decided what he’s going to do moving forward. He’s in a similar position to me finding this out and while his initial response was questionable at best he’s just had his whole life torn apart again when she’d promised she wouldn’t do it again. He’s desperately grasping at something normal to hold onto and as I’ve read the responses today I feel he’s been quite harshly judged for his initial response at huge revelations. Yes his first response was dickish but think what he’s going through right now too. He’s terrified of losing his kids.

I am the stronger of us. I have been here before with a previous relationship and I know it’s not the end of the world. It hurts but the anger is settling in today after getting it off my chest. My brother still thinks it’s the end of the world and he needs some kindness while he finds his feet. I just want to stick two fingers up to the world and tell everyone to go fuck themselves

In the end there are only two people who ought to be suffering and that’s my ex and my ex-sil. They can rot in hell for all I care. My only fault was not trusting my instincts that something was wrong sooner. I am Fucking angry now. This is a good thing.

sorry didn’t intend to give such a long response.

I didn't mean to imply you'd be to blame OP. I could imagine my own mother asking me why the hell I hadn't told her the truth at the time so that she could've supported me. That's more what I meant.

Must be a relief to have told them. Imagine the audacity of the SiL who wants to just turn to your parents and pretend like she hasn't done a thing wrong - i could never!

Hope you all find some peace, so hard for your brother when he's not the one putting a bomb in the middle of the relationship. Glad your ex had the good grace to actually piss off.

I'm sorry you didn't get a more positive response from your parents, but at least it is out there now. And good for you telling SIL she needs to be somewhere else Christmas Day. Why on earth should you make nice with her.

Seems a reasonable response, but are you in a position to disinvite her to your parent's' home?

It's a poor response from your parents but tbh not entirely unexpected. Some people just can't do the hard stuff and would rather just sweep it under the rug.

Don't participate. If you can't be honest, feign flu symptoms.

Sorry, things have moved on and my response above is irrelevant!

It's an incredibly cowardly and shitty response from your parents, and is surprising imo. I would be really mad and feel betrayed. I'd definitely be tempted to tell them all to fuck themselves and steer clear of the lot of them. What arse holes.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. FWIW I get how absolutely paralysed your brother is.

I mention this website a lot but they have lots of fantastic, knowledgable posters - point your brother in the direction of surviving infidelity and their just found out forum. He'll find lots of people in his position and it might help him find his voice in all this. Lots of male posters as well so he won't feel so alone. It may help you as well.

I'm glad you made your boundaries clear to your parent. I think until some people actually experience cheating they have zero idea of how utterly traumatising it is and how unsafe you'd feel to be anywhere near her.

Stay firm, you're doing grand.

Good for you.

I can't believe she was actually going to spend Christmas with you!

I didn't get what you meant about your parents.

Are they supporting you about the Christmas meal?

I'd be telling my db, that if he doesn't want me telling everyone who had an ea with my ex then he'd better tell them first.

And I agree I wouldn't share my Christmas with that person either

@Dunnowhattodonow all of your instincts and actions thus far are so understandable. You've done nothing wrong and hiding deceit | abuse etc is never right... speak your truth and lean into your support network, whoever is left are the good ones. Wishing you all the best and a peaceful Christmas x

Your poor brother. She sounds an absolute cow. I'm completely on your side. You should be able to go and have dinner with your parents at Christmas without having to look at her across the table.

I’m glad you’re balancing your kind and protective concern for your brother with what you need to do to protect yourself and DC.

I'd send her a text saying that your parents now know that she is the reason you split from your stbex. Hopefully, the idea of being surrounded by people who know on Xmas day will put her off going. I think she should stay home or do whatever and your db and his dc should go without her.
I do question how wise it was to only tell 1 perent - guessing its your DF? If he's telling you to bury it for the day, that could well mean he hasn't told your DM. By all hiding it from her you are storing up strain in your parents relationship in the future, because it will come out and she will likely be upset that your DF did not tell her when she knew.
Overall, I'm getting that your DB and DM at some point in life have been judged as being over-emotional, so must be protected from negative things in life. This is a wrong way to go about things, people have to be given the opportunity to deal with the realities of life. Not only does it upset them more when they eventually find things out ( thus they end up getting more judged by their reaction ie. They can't win).
If you look at it, a lot of the time hiding truths from people is as much about the people hiding matters, not having the ability to deal with others showing emotions in their presence. This results in a lot of hiding and frustration and upset in return and so the viscious cycle continues.
It's about time you and your DF stopped hiding and smoothing over things for your DB and DF - who made you the information police?
The right thing now would be to make sure your DM also knows. Also, stop trying to make it as easy as possible for your your DB - that's just making it harder for him to end things in the long run.

Just an update. When I spoke to my mum about all this it turns out she didn’t really understand what I was saying first time or why I reacted as I did telling her to fuck off. She thought my sil had had a falling out (understatement). She called to apologise once she’d realised what it was I was saying and we spoke about it all very openly. I wasn’t for holding back. It was good to finally say it out loud to someone who cares enough to hear it. My dad went and spoke to my brother and my brother told him everything and at least it’s out in the open. It’s unresolved still but no longer a secret.

My parents however don’t want to get involved in my brothers decisions and just want to support him to do what’s right for him. They don’t know what’s happening at Xmas so I’ve said I’ll go on Xmas eve with my kids and we’ll wait until I know more about Xmas day before I decide whether I’ll go then too or not. I won’t be at the table with that woman. My parents are more concerned for the children than the adults.

I’m so sad I won’t be having Christmas with the so called love of my life and father of my children but I’m not going to end up like my brother. I’m no walkover, he’s not getting back and I need to keep persuading myself of this. I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND (on repeat)

I’m swinging between unbelievably sad and extremely angry on a minute by minute basis.this was not how I expected this year to end.

Yep I agree with this. I’d be letting everyone know what she and your ex got up to.

Your SIL has a brass neck. I don't know how anyone can have the balls to sit at a table with the parents of the man you cheated on, the wife of the man you cheated with, and the children whose family you played a part in breaking up. It's madness.

I'm glad your mom came back to you op, if course they're in a hard position of not wanting to push either of you away.

Statistically, if they break up he'll end up with less time with the kids than you will with yours, because Mom is still the default and he'll likely have to push and fight for 50/50 at most so I understand why it's hard for him to end the relationship. Hopefully it all being open now will help you both to move forward for yourselves and the kids

How sad, and upsetting, the whole situation must be.
I don't understand why your parents can't just stick to hosting their children and grandchildren, and leave the SIL to do her own thing somewhere else for the day?