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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stbxh had EA with DB wife.

81 replies

Dunnowhattodonow · 13/12/2022 04:41

DB and his wife had a relationship emergency a fortnight ago as she was having an affair. In the process of him telling me all about this latest affair, it came out she and my stbxh has essentially an emotional affair. It may not have been full on but it was something more than just friends that I had picked up on and stbx lied and gaslit me about it the whole time, over a year, despite seeing how upset I was getting at knowing something wasn’t right. I just knew from his changes in behaviour and their constant eye contacts when we’d meet up that something was going on. She at least is honest when found out and did say they didn’t progress to physical. That’s irrelevant, she did with this latest affair.

Having it confirmed two weeks ago allowed me to see it wasn’t in my head and to make the necessary changes to my relationship. We are now separating. I’m devastated and my kids are devastated but I cannot trust him. He lies to me constantly and I cannot live with that. That’s not what a loving relationship is.

The problem is my DB has decided yet again to forgive his wife (this latest ‘thing’ isn’t her first affair) and I have to see her all over Christmas because he insists they appear as a proper family and show everyone how strong they are. I’m expected to sit with them as the newly single sister at my parents for Christmas dinner and play happy families when all I want to do is rip her throat out for effectively destroying two families. My brother begs me not to tell our parents about what his wife has been up to , which means I’m meant to stay quiet about what my stbxh has been up to. Im meant to lie to them all and hide my hurt and dislike of this woman’s involvement in my relationship breaking up. Yes I know she wasn’t in a relationship with me and she didn’t afaik force my stbxh to lie about their relationship but she is family and there ought to have been a boundary that

she and my stbxh should never have crossed.

I need my parents for support as this is all so recent and I know that if they found out the truth they wouldn’t have her there but then my brother and his kids won’t go to my parents either and it would destroy even more relationships and he needs the normality of them to get him through and their kids enjoy playing with mine and why should they suffer
too… but why should I have that reminder at every family event for the rest of my life?

Having no one to turn to, I post anonymously here because my life has been ripped apart and I see my brothers life having been ripped apart and somehow it all links to the one person who gets away with it every time.

I don’t really know what to do. How do I survive my first Xmas alone with my sil/OW sitting there gloating and pretending nothing’s wrong?

OP posts:
saltofcelery · 13/12/2022 07:16

I'm so sorry to read this. Absolutely tell your parents. If nothing else, for the much needed emotional support you will get.

How can he possibly ask you to keep this from them and have you carry that burden while they carry on pretending?

Original poster
Dunnowhattodonow · 13/12/2022 07:19

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 13/12/2022 06:43

I do think that telling your parents will hopefully gain you support, however you do need to consider how you will cope if they decide to go down the apeasement route 'for the sake of the children' and also expect you and her to have a truce over Christmas. I am not saying that they will or you should, however it is easy at the other end of the internet to say to tell them but only you know your family and how you might feel if they still let her come at Christmas. Well done for taking a stand and losing the loser.

I think this was my worry at first and why my brother wanting to keep it quiet made sense but the more I think about it the more I realise that I need to do this for me and my self esteem. If they take the appeasement approach then I’ll stay home with my kids and we’ll create a new Christmas tradition.

OP posts:
liarliarshortsonfire · 13/12/2022 07:27

Tell your DP OP, you need their support more than you need to protect your SIL.

I was in a similar situation and didn't tell people about my exdh affair (I too thought it was emotional until I found evidence to the contrary). I struggled on without help from my nearest and dearest, looking back I can see, the only person I was protecting was my exdh and the affair partner, whilst putting myself last.

Put yourself first, your DB and his DW need to live by their decisions, you live by yours and you need your family at this time. Especially over Xmas

rainbowstardrops · 13/12/2022 08:11

I think your brother is being hugely unreasonable in expecting you to not only lie to your parents but also to expect you to act like nothing has happened with SIL and I'd be telling him that straight!
He wants to keep face but doesn't seem to care about the position that puts you in.
Tell him he can either tell your parents or you'll be at least speaking to your dad because you need their support and he's being unfair.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 13/12/2022 08:27

Crazypaving22 · 13/12/2022 06:28

I'm so glad you've decided to tell your parents.

You matter.

You need to have their support.

Your brother clearly knows the drill with his wife, but you're still in a state of shock and trauma, as are your children. Put yourself first, I'm glad you're putting yourself first and in doing so you might force your brother to wake up to who he is married to.

Get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life' as well, it will help you see things more clearly and support you in getting through the separation.

Flowers

Get a second copy of Leave A Cheater and give it to your brother as a Christmas present.

LadyDanburysHat · 13/12/2022 08:36

I think your plan is best. I see no reason why you should suffer and play happy families over Christmas because your brother is deluded. If you have to stay at home with your children so be it. That will still be a hell of a lot better day for you than sitting at a table with SIL.

jay55 · 13/12/2022 08:41

Your brother doesn't give a shit about how hard he's making things for you.
So there no need to give him the same courtesy.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/12/2022 08:46

Hell no

you don’t go . This is YOUR life and your pain

id say to brother that your not attending too painful and that’s that

DrMorbius · 13/12/2022 08:52

I think this is fairly simple and easy to stick by, because it's one rule. NO LIES.

Tell your DB your marriage and relationship has been ruined by lies and deception. You will 100% not lie about any of this. If he chooses to lie to people, that is his choice, his life. But you will not lie.

Lysianthus · 13/12/2022 09:00

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/12/2022 08:46

Hell no

you don’t go . This is YOUR life and your pain

id say to brother that your not attending too painful and that’s that

I sort of see where you're coming from but why should OP be excluded from HER family Christmas? She needs to stop being the people pleaser she's been, start putting herself first, and let her parents know what's going on so that they don't all sit round the dinner table in blissful ignorance of their daughter in law's appalling behaviour.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/12/2022 09:05

She’s in a no win situation

if she goes she’s going to want to kill the SIL!

if she stays home she will miss out

if she tells family it will cause a ruck

so right now all she can do is select the calmest and least stressful path right now

not helpful but I’d be so tempted to message the SIL & tell her thats she fuxked her Xmas
but SIL probably won’t even give a shit

brandonflowersmushtash · 13/12/2022 09:16

You'd be an absolute muggins to sit at that table with her.

Tell your parents- She needs to face the consequences of her actions.
SHE decided to change the dynamics of your family.
Your brother is now desperately trying to hold things together at your expense.
Not on at all.

You sound like a very strong person OP, you can get through this with your head held high.

FermisLeftFoot · 13/12/2022 09:16

The right thing to do would be for her to stay away - feign illness or something, and your brother to come with the kids. But of course she’s too selfish for that, and he’s colluding with her.

Im glad you have decided to tell your parents but just wanted to warn you - if you don’t tell them then it will become this secret between you, your brother and her and you’ll become expected to keep it up at every family occasion - birthdays, future christmases and so on. And if say in a year you get fed up of it and THEN tell your parents, you’ll become the bad guy who has caused all this tension from revealing the skeleton in the closet. Been there and I am strongly advising you right now do NOT let this become a skeleton in the closet - speak up NOW before time forces you into silence and seething resentment while they protect their reputation and immediate family unit at your expense. It’s a disgrace he’s asked you to do this, frankly, do not go along with it. Tell everything to your parents.

Bobbins36 · 13/12/2022 09:51

FermisLeftFoot · 13/12/2022 09:16

The right thing to do would be for her to stay away - feign illness or something, and your brother to come with the kids. But of course she’s too selfish for that, and he’s colluding with her.

Im glad you have decided to tell your parents but just wanted to warn you - if you don’t tell them then it will become this secret between you, your brother and her and you’ll become expected to keep it up at every family occasion - birthdays, future christmases and so on. And if say in a year you get fed up of it and THEN tell your parents, you’ll become the bad guy who has caused all this tension from revealing the skeleton in the closet. Been there and I am strongly advising you right now do NOT let this become a skeleton in the closet - speak up NOW before time forces you into silence and seething resentment while they protect their reputation and immediate family unit at your expense. It’s a disgrace he’s asked you to do this, frankly, do not go along with it. Tell everything to your parents.

Agree with ALL of this.

coconutpie · 13/12/2022 10:03

I would have nothing to do with your brother's wife any longer. For your brother to suggest you play happy families with her would make me want nothing to do with your brother either. Tell your parents the full facts. Your brother has made his bed. He can lie in it. Doesn't mean everyone else has to join him.

TidyDancer · 13/12/2022 10:07

That woman has no shame if she shows up. She should do the decent thing and bow out. Unfortunately it sounds like she's devoid of any morals so it will probably not even occur to her to not attend.

Personally I would have to tell the parents if this was me. Whether this would be because I was explaining why I wouldn't attend or if I was pre-warning them there would be an atmosphere at some point, I don't know. But I couldn't sit there and pretend all day or let them think you don't want to be with them.

ItREALLYishimnotyou · 13/12/2022 10:14

This is one of the things I hate the most about cheaters - they turn us all into liars . It can be as simple as having to pretend everything is OK when it is not or this scenario you face.

Unfortunately your brother is in the initial panic mode - he wants to keep it all together and Christmas is pushing this forward. I think as others have said I would be inclined to tell your parents discreetly and rearrange the plans. I know I would want to cram sprouts down her throat until she choked.

SunshineAndFizz · 13/12/2022 10:14

Your needs are just as important as your DB's. It's horrible of him to ask you to lie and made your feel even worse.

You've put up with this shit from your ex, don't put up with it from your brother.

Definitely tell your parents.

paintitallover · 13/12/2022 10:20

Remaker · 13/12/2022 04:48

I would say you don’t go along with the charade. You tell your parents the truth - they are your parents too and you are entitled to their support. If you can’t bear seeing her then can you suggest celebrating separately with your parents - on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day?

Your brother is entitled to make whatever decisions he wants to about his marriage. But he can’t bully others into creating a false reality for him. Not when you are directly involved!

This is absolutely right.

paintitallover · 13/12/2022 10:24

To be honest, I think your brother is enormously selfish to ask it of you. He's in his marriage, for what it's worth-you no longer are.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 13/12/2022 10:28

Do not let your brother manipulate you in this way. Ending of a marriage is a grieving process and you need your family around you to help you with that grief. Your children also need support so let your brother go off and be treated like shit by his wife but do not let him leave you without the support you and your kids need right now.

So so sorry you are going through this.

StickyCricket · 13/12/2022 10:31

The sheer entitlement and selfishness of your brother is breathtaking.

What an egocentric prick.

He’s shown absolutely no consideration for you at all.

Thats another relationship I’d be completely rethinking.

Ofcourseshecan · 13/12/2022 11:00

I have to see her all over Christmas because he insists they appear as a proper family and show everyone how strong they are. I’m expected to sit with them as the newly single sister at my parents for Christmas dinner and play happy families

To hell with that! Let poor DB lie and try to fool himself, you can’t help him if he’s determined to continue.

But you must not sacrifice yourself to support his delusion.

Sorry you and DC are going through this, OP. Flowers

purpleboy · 13/12/2022 11:00

I agree with the sentiment on here, and I don't think for one second you should be forced to keep it a secret, but have you thought about how it might play out and are you ready for that?

By telling your parents you put them in a situation where they have to choose between their 2 children, that's a tough ask and there is obviously a chance it doesn't go your way, I know you said you would stay and home with your kids, but have you really thought through how that will leave you feeling, and what happens to your relationship with your parents?

I wonder if you should hash this out with your DB (and the wife if you so wish) first and come to a conclusion that works for you, and then tell your parents so they don't get put in the middle?
I think if it was me I would be telling the wife to feign illness so DB and kids could come but if she won't do that then suggest to your brother that he pulls out this year.

Cas112 · 13/12/2022 11:21

I wouldn't be hiding anything from my parents in that situation and I don't think you should.

You didn't cause this remember, they did. You deserve support and they can't take that away from you aswell