Daughter hates dad

[Flor68]

My 16 year old daughter can't stand her father (my husband), they have always had a on/off strained relationship, because my husband hasn't been the best father o husband really, he is a narcissist who blames everyone else for his shortcomings, he wasn't very involved when she was little, he has a short temper and gets annoyed and offended easily specially if someone doesn't do what he asks o what he thinks it should be done, and when he loses his temper he resorts to insults and silent treatment.
My daughter has had enough and she is braver than I would ever be ( please don't judge me for still being with him, I can't leave for so many reasons).
So she refuses to talk/acknowledge o sit at the same table as him to the point where this year she has told me she won't be having Xmas dinner with us.
I know she has the right to but my husband will be giving me a hard time for it, he blames me for any behaviour against him by the kids (also have an 18 year old son, who puts up with his dad a lot but knows his dad behaviour is wrong).
According to him I'm a bad parent/too soft/too lenient and I am not preparing them for the future (he is probably right) all because I literally don't pick fights, give them choices and let them make mistakes, and I'm there for them no matter what, they can rude to me because they are teenagers but I always make sure they know I love them unconditionally.
I'm not a pushy mum, I think I overcompensate because their dad love is conditional to them behaving the way he wants when he wants.
So really I am just looking for some understanding, as sometimes I do believe is all my fault, I haven't been able to raise a functional family we are all living under the same roof but we are not together.
I want to know my daughter will be ok again and will let go of her anger and be happy.
I just need some sympathy, I can't tell my friends as they always just say I should leave him but I can't do that ( financially I won't have enough money on a TA salary, he won't agree to an amicable split, I can't deal with that, I have 2 kids,2cats,1dog, and to top it all up I have plasma cells cancer which is now under controlled but is incurable). I am scared if I die what would happen between them all?
Sorry for the long rumble, hope it makes sense and thank you for reading it til the end.

There are no reasons why you can't leave and if you don't she will hate you too.

Its GOOD that she can't stand him. Emotionally healthy people DONT stand to be around narcissists.

Good on her for saying no to spending time with him. You should do the same. Support her thoroughly in not spending time with men who treat other people like shit.

Hopefully she will then be able to choose a better husband than you did. So that if the worst happens to you, she will be able to create Healthy relationships for herself in future, unlike the one you have modeled for her.

I really do hope that you find the strength and courage and take opportunity to leave him, for her sake if not yours. But in the mean time, know that you should encourage and support her. It isn't your job to keep the peace (aka make other people act subservient to a bully of a man). Its your job to support your daughter in the correct decisions she makes to protect her own emotional wellbeing by staying as far away from him as possible.

It would be great if you could get a place, away from him, so that if the worst happened, she could have a safe place to go, separate of him. Leave it to her in your Will. Sorry, I know it's hard to think about.

I know you are scared but you can leave and should leave.
What kind of relationship example are you setting to both children? Do you want them to end up in a relationship like yours where they are bullied and put up with it? Or what if they turn out like him and treat their partner and children like this.
Stop being a passenger in your own life.

*sorry I missed the bit about the ta salary.
Mind you, if you divorce him you'll get a spare if the assets and can get a little place then maybe. Or maybe you'll get the house. Plus you might be entitled to child support? or other benefits.

Honestly op, I don't know how I'd feel in your shoes knowing I may die but I do believe I'd want to go out saying a big 'fuck you' to that asshole of a husband and making sure my kids got free of him too.

Well choose, your DD or your arse of a husband.

In time she will hate you too, for giving him free reign to abuse her.

What are you asking OP? Do you want advice on how to persuade your DD to ‘play nice’ with her father, so he doesn’t take out his frustrations out on you?

I’m sorry your illness is incurable but how do you want your daughter to remember you? How can you protect her when you are no longer here? If you were to divorce your H, then your share of the settlement could be left to your children.

What do you want, be honest.

Thank you all for your kind replies, I wish I had the courage but I don't, I am a coward.
But I do support her and my son always.
🙏

you could be my mother 30 years ago. my hatred of my father only got worse as i got older and tried to maintain a good relationship with my mother. it always had to be about him. i love my mother but i know she didnt protect me from his endless negativity, criticism and he treated her like dirt too. they are eldetly niw and as miserable as ever. please, if you can leave him, find a way. your daughter is correct in not putting up with shitty behavior from him. please don't ebabler tgis loser of a man you are living with. xx

She wants us to sympathize with her, the op says so..

Heavens above...

Team daughter, all the way...

Thank you, yes team daughter.
I wanted to know I am not wrong for siding up with my daughter.

you can do this xx

He's a selfish bully. Support your kids all the way however you can. Make it clear to them you know he's wrong.
Thank goodness your daughter has the courage not to accept or buckle under his rule but it must be exhausting for her to step up to this adult position so young. 😭

You aren't a coward, don't sell yourself short. You're fighting blood cancer and still getting by each day and on here asking how you can help your family. You're hella tough and brave!

You just have to believe in you.
And there are organisations you can look to for help. Have you spoke with your local cancer support (macmillanz might be a good start) to see if there's anything they can help with. In our local library there used to be a day a week where a macmillans team would be in and you could pop in for coffee and a chat.

Also, I'd speak with women's aid about what's happening. They can help with various things even if it's just a chat with someone who knows what you are going through. Or more practical advice incase you decide to take steps to leave.

Just take little steps.
But reach out for support where you can.

Juat a thought but, you could even see a solicitor and make sure your share of things goes to your kids if you pass on, and not him. So they are taken care of without having to beg him for anything.

I'd be proud of her if I was you. She sounds great. Sadly you are enabling his abusive behaviour.

I do have some sympathy for you but one day your daughter may well hate you too for staying with her Father

I do, I have told them both my daughter and son that their dad's behaviour is wrong.

Op you have my sympathy because I have been there but if you are really wanting to be “Team Daughter” you need to leave this man.

My children were far braver than me and I did leave him, our life is happy, calm And respectful now. The effects of his behaviour continues to impact me and my children. If you want your 16 yr old to have a chance of being happy and losing her anger you need to sort it out quickly as it takes a long time to settle.

Thank you

Sorry but you don't support your Dd... this man is the role model for the man she will choose as a life partner.

You don't want to hear it but you are failing your children.

My Dad was abusive imo my mum was complicit, i now no longer speak to her.

Your daughter will soon grow up, may have kids of her own and best believe ahe will protect her children from this arsehole and the woman who enables him.

By all means stay in your marriage because keeping is difficult and scary but we will be seeing you post again in 10 or 15 years because your daughter won't let you have a close relationship with your grandchildren.

You were my mother 35 years ago. It was shit. Messed us kids up for years.

You are a parent who chose to raise helpless, innocent children in a damaging environment. You want her to ignore abuse and make nice like you have all these years and you are upset because of the impact it will have on you, and you are asking for sympathy from other mums? Shame on you.

But you haven't shown them how to deal with that

^This with bells on. The consequence of standing by an abusive man is often that you lose your children when they grow up and to be honest, it's what you deserve. You choose an abusive relationship, the children you drag into your toxic mess don't and you fuck them up for life. You reap what you sow

I came for support, I am sorry I asked.
Thank you to the ones who kindly gave me good advice.
Yes It is shame on me, and no I don't want her to make nice and ignore it. I just wanted to know that I am not wrong in taking her side, I have always taken my kids side.
I love my kids more than anything, I am just not able to overcome the paralysing fear that grips me when I think about leaving.
I will contact some professional help as some of you suggested.