Daughter hates dad

[Flor68]

My 16 year old daughter can't stand her father (my husband), they have always had a on/off strained relationship, because my husband hasn't been the best father o husband really, he is a narcissist who blames everyone else for his shortcomings, he wasn't very involved when she was little, he has a short temper and gets annoyed and offended easily specially if someone doesn't do what he asks o what he thinks it should be done, and when he loses his temper he resorts to insults and silent treatment.
My daughter has had enough and she is braver than I would ever be ( please don't judge me for still being with him, I can't leave for so many reasons).
So she refuses to talk/acknowledge o sit at the same table as him to the point where this year she has told me she won't be having Xmas dinner with us.
I know she has the right to but my husband will be giving me a hard time for it, he blames me for any behaviour against him by the kids (also have an 18 year old son, who puts up with his dad a lot but knows his dad behaviour is wrong).
According to him I'm a bad parent/too soft/too lenient and I am not preparing them for the future (he is probably right) all because I literally don't pick fights, give them choices and let them make mistakes, and I'm there for them no matter what, they can rude to me because they are teenagers but I always make sure they know I love them unconditionally.
I'm not a pushy mum, I think I overcompensate because their dad love is conditional to them behaving the way he wants when he wants.
So really I am just looking for some understanding, as sometimes I do believe is all my fault, I haven't been able to raise a functional family we are all living under the same roof but we are not together.
I want to know my daughter will be ok again and will let go of her anger and be happy.
I just need some sympathy, I can't tell my friends as they always just say I should leave him but I can't do that ( financially I won't have enough money on a TA salary, he won't agree to an amicable split, I can't deal with that, I have 2 kids,2cats,1dog, and to top it all up I have plasma cells cancer which is now under controlled but is incurable). I am scared if I die what would happen between them all?
Sorry for the long rumble, hope it makes sense and thank you for reading it til the end.

And I have no sympathy. Sorry

Thank you to the kinds ones and goodbye. Asking for help here was a mistake.
Now I feel even worse than before, but you are all right, I am the one who is to blame for putting up with him.

Your poor daughter, trapped with two supremely selfish parents who have each prioritised themselves above their children.

If she has anything about her, and it sounds like thankfully she does, she’ll be gone as soon as she possibly can and will be extremely low (if any) contact with you.

Your relationship with your DD runs the real risk of being completely severed going forward.

You have a choice re this man and she does not. She is now voting with her feet.

She will despise you for staying with him for what she will see as your own self interest. In her eyes you are throwing both she and her siblings under the bus and you are putting him before them.

Financial concerns are no reason or basis to stay with him nor is him not agreeing to an amicable split. You remain with him because it is somehow "easier" for you to do so. He would never separate from you amicably because he is abusive and will use the divorce process as a way of further punishing you for leaving him.

You are choosing between your child and your husband and you are choosing your husband, why don't you go to citizens advice and get some advise about your finances you may be better off than think. You have to be aware if you continue to choose your husband it may affect your childrens relationship with you.

I feel for you OP but you came on here asking for help and sympathy about your choice to stay with a man who is abusive and who your daughter can’t stand because of his abuse. You also mentioned this - ‘I want to know my daughter will be ok again and will let go of her anger and be happy.’ Can’t you see how wrong it is to expect her to ‘let go of her anger and be happy’?

That’s essentially saying you want her to do what you have done which is put up with him and his behaviour, basically to make you feel better about how he treats you all. That’s really wrong.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate but I don’t blame either of your children for not liking him or to be looking to get away from him as soon as possible. If you stay with him you run the real risk of them staying away from you too. Your kids are getting old enough now to make choices you really should have made a long time ago - to refuse to take his abuse or spend time with him.

You come off as expecting them to support you in your choices and very woe is me whereas you could be putting that energy into protecting yourself and them.

You feel sorry for yourself because you haven’t had sympathy, but is sympathy what you really need? How will it help you or your children for people to come and say there there and it’s ok? The truth is it’s not ok and that hurts, but you have the power to make changes. Being scared isn’t a good enough reason to stay with this man. Your kids will not thank you for it.

Beautifully put.

You are not the one to blame, your poor excuse of a husband is. I do think you will reach the end of your tether eventually, and you will be able to leave. I think right now you are dealing with too much and it all feels too chaotic and I think you are doubting if what your are feeling is what you are feeling, or if it’s a symptom of everything happening around you.

it doesn’t sound like there is anything positive happening at all, and I can see how it would be almost impossible to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Terminal cancer would send most people over the edge, add to that a narcissistic husband, family fallouts and guilt and resentment and it becomes almost paralysing.

Do you get to speak to a professional at all because of the diagnosis? If so, be completely open and honest with them about everything that is going on and that your goal is to leave, they will help you rationalise it.

You can get help with housing fleeing a situation like your, you can get UC, you can create stability for your kids and they sound like they would be willing to help, just to get away. You can do this!

You must leave. My mother did what you did and I hated her partner so much (he was abusive and mentally unwell) and couldn't physically stand to be around him. She'd never leave him even though it got so bad that I couldn't be In the same room as him as I'd have panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. I cut him and my so-called mother both off and got myself some therapy.

No contact ten years and life is good now but the fact my mother would never put me first and get us both away from him has left scarring inside me that will last a lifetime. It's a very unique type of pain.

If you don't leave then you're damaging your daughter. You must put her first. No more excuses.

I certainly do. I left my abusive husband when my ds was 10 months old and went to a refuge.

So yes its bloody hard but I knew it would be damaing to my ds to stay.

If everyone just told her there there its a shame..how would that help anyone?

Op, her dd and ds all have a right to happiness.

I hope you don't just dismiss the reality posts and look for a way to move foreward so your Dd mught want to sit at the table with you at Christmas.

I was the op 2 years ago. You think up to a point that you're putting up with things for everyone else's sake- so the kids don't come from a broken home. It was only when my dd became a teenager I realised the damage he was doing to her. She was also 16 when i managed to tell him it was over. Her relief was palpable! I had let it go on for a few years by this point. But is not easy, and I was always mindful that if we split up he would go for 50/50 when she was younger. How much worse would that have been? I would not have been around to stick up for her! The op is at just the right time to make a decision now.

Do you have any understanding of the children born into these toxic relationships?

You need to leave.

Your daughter should not have had to grow up with an abusive narcissist. My sympathy is with her.

That's all there is to it.

You are not going to get support for leaving your child in this environment to fight the battles that you should be fighting.

Any other relatives your daughter can move in with until she's 18?

If you die they will go their separate ways and be happier for it. If anything I don't understand why your ill health doesn't give you the impetus to sort this out. Your children are asking for your help and your ignoring them!
Why would you spend the last precious years of your life in this unhappy relationship? You run the risk of being truly alone as you aren't listening. As adults they will withdraw from you as you are clearly a package with your husband. What is it going to take for you to leave him? Losing them?
Although my father and mother are no longer together (ironically he left her after 32 years) I blame him for being abusive and her for not leaving and subjecting us to him.
Haven't spoken to either of them for nearly a decade.

I’m sorry but it’s likely she will likely resent you in the future, I grew up like she is, it is so painful. I think you need to put all your energy into leaving. My mum never did and I’ll never forgive her, though I love her. It is hard, I know that but you would manage

Well then by staying you are most definitely not supporting them

This is very similar to how I grew up. I'm in my 30s now with kids of my own. I think my Mum is pathetic frankly, don't have much time for her though she's a good grandmother so I see her more often than I'd like to facilitate that relationship. And my Dad's lightened over the years but I'm not too interested in making it a stronger relationship as I remember my childhood and can't really forget it. It's forgiven, but never forgotten.

OP I don't really have advice but I was your daughter in this situation. I've never blamed my mum or even felt remotely angry towards her. I think she was the best mum in the world when I was little. She was a superwoman as she did the work of mum and dad. I left home young and 20 odd years later my dad has mellowed and is in my life more but I know he's wasted his life. He's lonely and doesn't have much to show for 70 odd years.
I'm sorry you are going through this. One thing I do know is your kids won't mind being poor as much as they mind living with a horrible dad.

Your children are nearly adults and you have an income, what’s stopping you from moving out? You’re in a better position than a lot of women that are brave enough to leave an abusive relationship.

Your children will thank you if you leave but not if you stay and continue to subject them to a shit father.

I have to say that as someone who was the child in this situation, you must leave.

I was so desperate for my mum to leave. As we've grown up, my brother and I have gone though resentment for her to understanding, back to resentment.

My self esteem, my relationships have massively suffered all because of this. I'm 33 now and in my first healthy relationship, having been the victim of abuse because my parents had set such a low bar of what a relationship looks like.

Please find the strength to do this. For your daughter, her mental health and her future.

You want sympathy? It’s your kids I sympathise with. Good for her for standing up to you both and letting you both know her father is crap and you’re not much better. Your job as a parent is to protect your children from harm? Have you done that?

This is me when I was 16. Same type of narcissistic father , I hated him for so many reasons. Your daughter won’t forgive your husband in my view , abuse like this stays with you forever- believe me I know. Take care and try to look after you.

I feel very sorry for your children. You want people to feel sorry for you but you are the one choosing this life for them. They will end up not wanting to be around you either but that's ok as long the husband you don't even like is more important? Pleased your daughter wants better for herself than you are providing. Stop being selfish and get a grip of yourself before your nasty husband is the only one you have left.