Daughter hates dad

[Flor68]

My 16 year old daughter can't stand her father (my husband), they have always had a on/off strained relationship, because my husband hasn't been the best father o husband really, he is a narcissist who blames everyone else for his shortcomings, he wasn't very involved when she was little, he has a short temper and gets annoyed and offended easily specially if someone doesn't do what he asks o what he thinks it should be done, and when he loses his temper he resorts to insults and silent treatment.
My daughter has had enough and she is braver than I would ever be ( please don't judge me for still being with him, I can't leave for so many reasons).
So she refuses to talk/acknowledge o sit at the same table as him to the point where this year she has told me she won't be having Xmas dinner with us.
I know she has the right to but my husband will be giving me a hard time for it, he blames me for any behaviour against him by the kids (also have an 18 year old son, who puts up with his dad a lot but knows his dad behaviour is wrong).
According to him I'm a bad parent/too soft/too lenient and I am not preparing them for the future (he is probably right) all because I literally don't pick fights, give them choices and let them make mistakes, and I'm there for them no matter what, they can rude to me because they are teenagers but I always make sure they know I love them unconditionally.
I'm not a pushy mum, I think I overcompensate because their dad love is conditional to them behaving the way he wants when he wants.
So really I am just looking for some understanding, as sometimes I do believe is all my fault, I haven't been able to raise a functional family we are all living under the same roof but we are not together.
I want to know my daughter will be ok again and will let go of her anger and be happy.
I just need some sympathy, I can't tell my friends as they always just say I should leave him but I can't do that ( financially I won't have enough money on a TA salary, he won't agree to an amicable split, I can't deal with that, I have 2 kids,2cats,1dog, and to top it all up I have plasma cells cancer which is now under controlled but is incurable). I am scared if I die what would happen between them all?
Sorry for the long rumble, hope it makes sense and thank you for reading it til the end.

Op you are NOT a coward and the situation is not your fault - the behaviour you describe sits squarely with your husband.

You are however, the only one who can move this forward and remove him from the situation. Talk to Womens Aid, see a Counsellor etc. You can do it. Xxxx

If money is the reason you ‘can’t’ leave, have you looked into the benefits you can get by using one of these benefits checkers?

It can be a lot more than you expect.

I hate troll posters but then I read a thread like this and hope they are one.

Unfortunately, I don’t think they are.

OP you need to accept that by making your kids grow up in this house then you are just as bad as their dad.

And I promise that if you don’t do something about it they will want nothing to do with you when they are older.

You need to show them you care about them and also show them that being in this type of relationship is not ok.

Do you seriously want your daughter marrying a man like your husband?

Figure a way out eg get a better paid job, do extra training in the evenings - show them that you making changes to your life.

Your kids are nearly adults. Leave OP. Stop making excuses. I have no sympathy for you. This is self inflicted torture and your poor kids are suffering as a consequence of your actions. You also have in incurable condition, shouldnt this make it more of an urgency for you to leave? Why live your life like this? Calling your self a coward and absolving yourself of your responsibilities is foolish. Its cruel to your kids. They will resent you. Is this the memory of you that you want your kids to have? Please just leave. Youll manage on less money and benefits. No shame in that. Youll have your freedom and youll kids will respect you for it. Please please please leave

OP, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this as well as having cancer. That's too much.
Do you have a good relationship with you daughter? Are you able to really talk about all of this with her? What about the two of you seeing a counselor?

Good luck.

If a property is held as joint tenants it can't be transferred in a will as both parties have a right of survivorship. The joint tenancy on mortgaged property has to be served before death. I think the same would apply to money in joint accounts. Both something to ask a solicitor about.

I could have written this. I totally get the paralysing fear and feeling like I can't afford to be on my own. I thankfully don't have the health worries you have.
I would definitely seek advice from citizens advice to see what you'd be entitled to on your own.
My eldest DD is now 19 and sounds very similar to your DD. My DD and H didn't speak for 6 months after an argument.
What I would say in hindsight is that I wish I'd had the courage to leave years ago. My DD is now in a very unhealthy, toxic relationship of her own and I can't help thinking that this is because I have modelled a very unhealthy relationship to her.

You're not siding with her though. You're siding with your husband. It's unlikely either of your children will maintain a relationship with you once they've left home.

I am scared if I die what would happen between them all?
The best thing for your DD and your DS then would be to go NC with their Father, hopefully together, so they have each other's support. The best thing for them now is still to go NC with their Father. Don't drag them into this, don't encourage them to placate their Father, to be happy not angry with his awful behaviour. If you can't leave at least support them to do so. They need to be away from their Father, that's the best thing you could give them.

@Rega26 so you are going to model getting rid of her dead weight by leaving yours?
You can put this right....

Yes. In the process of separation now. He's moving out in a couple of weeks 😊

I don’t understand how you think you are taking her side. You are clearly taking your husbands side but feeling bad about it and you’re trying to get one of us to say that its all completely fine and dandy. I don’t really know what advice you give you that hasn’t already been given, but you don’t want to hear the only logical advice anyone can give you - seek help and get out, for your children's sake if your own.

Her anger is protective. Don’t ask her to lose that. Not until she is out the household and distanced from her abusive father. That’s the time to lose anger & have a wider understanding of the family dynamics.

How do you know you can't afford to leave?
You realise if you stay you will not be involved with your adult DCs once they leave to make their own lives. You won't be involved with grandchildren or not very much.
Unless you have spoken to a solicitor or Citizen's Advice, CAB, then I don't see how you can know for sure.

Well done to your dd for standing up for herself, you can support her by encouraging her to do what she wants - like not having Xmas dinner with you, even if he'll give you a hard time for it.

As for splitting, it's never impossible. You could go to a refuge, he might not agree to an amicable split but a court will force him to be fair. There's lots of TAs living on their own and managing, it's all possible op. Be brave like your dd

Do you have family you can go to, all of you?
You need to be where you are safe your daughter/children will leave this situation asap then you will be left on your own with your abuser.
There are people who can help you to leave.
Make a plan.
You deserve better x

Gosh. MN is getting worse and worse. It needs to be filtered to the 20% maybe and one should just assume that the rest are trolls rather than real vipers to not completely lose the faith in the humanity.

Yes OP, you need help about the practicalities of leaving and contacting Women’s aid or similar organisations is essential as you need to know where you stand financially. This is scary. Your illness can be scary. You genuinely worry about your children. You suffered years of abuse and your reasoning is skewed.

So you also need sympathy and you are going to get it from me.

Im a long term MN user who left a year ago and have rejoined specifically to reply to your op.

Please, please don’t doubt your ability to leave. I am on a very low wage, but recently left my. Husband of over 2 decades. I wanted to leave for yers but didn't believe I had the strength or financial mens to do it. I left the marriage with nothing and got nothing in maintenance despite him being a top 10% earner because we had no real assets.BUT I get UC and maintenance.

The children and I dont have much, butt we have enough to rent, heat the house and put food on the table. We get to enjoy a house with no st,osphere, where we can relax and be ourselves without recrimination, and we have one another.

I consider myself richer and happier that I ever was whilst married to a man who was never a full participant in family life and who, like yours, loved the children only when they fit around his needs.

You CAN do this. You carry that strength within you. I didn't ever think I had it, but I found it and it has grown HUGELY now I’m free.

Several years on I also have a new partner who pulls his weight, recognises my value and thinks my kids are awesome.

Life is waiting for you, and your kids. Go for it.

Sorry, typos galore. Nothing in financial settlement. I do get maintainance

Awesome news @Pumpmonkey great to hear of your success and how you are reaping the benefits. 🙌

This is hard to say, but I don't think you do support them actually. Your children see what he is and still have to live with him day to day in their home. I don't think that's acceptable. Do you?

Sometimes the truth isnt comfortable or easy to hear, but you have heard it in this thread. I can't be objective as I was once your DD and I speak as someone who now has very little to do with either parent. I accepted my dad was a POS a long time ago, knew it when I was still a young teenager. My mum, however, I still have a lot of unresolved anger towards, still white hot at times, because I always thought she was the "good" parent until I was older and could see the truth. She protected herself before us, made us put up with all sorts rather than be inconvenienced herself, revelled in being the victim. I have a lot of sympathy for you, I truly do. It is not your fault your husband is horrible and treats people so badly that his own daughter refuses to have dinner with him at Christmas. It must be awful to live this way and to have to make these awful choices. But make them you must. That is the role you took on as a mother. You can already see how brave and uncompromising your daughter is at 16 (good for her!), how will she view you in years to come?

You're not supporting her , you're staying with her abuser.

According to him I'm a bad parent

Yeah. He's right.

Now I feel even worse than before, but you are all right, I am the one who is to blame for putting up with him.

Yeah. You are correct. You are absolutely to blame for not protecting your children, and trust me, they feel a lot worse than you do.

Too bad I ran across this post so late.
the responses to your predicament tell me none of these people understand abuse well, and have not been through it.
It is correct to let your child hate them. I do understand it still hurts to see hate in our children because we know that really means they have pain, and we want to fix it. But it’s not an overnight magical solution. This will take time, and it won’t be from you trying to play peacemaker anymore.
First, you will need to get a private savings or checking account. Begin saving for your own place. Tell your children you can’t be spending money and need to be responsible, give them a reason that makes sense especially if they are kids that ask for a lot and you are probably spending what you make to try to make them happier.
make them get jobs. Don’t let dad get to their money. If they can’t get jobs, they should be working on their “plan” for their next move asap. College, military, etc. their exit out of the situation needs to happen asap if you can’t make it happen sooner.
get a new and better job if you can, along public transportation lines if you can’t afford a car. Make sure you live somewhere with security cameras and codes to get in at the building. If you have friends or family that will help or support you especially that live far away from him or where he works, even better. You can’t get away because of logistics, finances, and you are an empath that sees he is damaged and hurting too and yet it comes out in his behavior to
you and your kids, narcissism, etc- so you feel for even the ones that hurt you or your kids. I don’t know him to know if he’s a truly horrible human or narcissist or just a guy that’s messed up with baggage- doesn’t matter either way. The only way and time you will heal is when you take a break, make a fresh start, so start planning your getaway. If you think he’ll lose his mind, then you’ll need to think of how you’ll exit. Like without notice, or make a reason like you got a new job far away or the kids new school and want to be close to them (he will not be surprised bc he knows you’re codependent of them), and frankly he won’t be as upset as you think I’m sorry to say. He will quickly see it as freedom for himself and less drama to deal with if he’s a true narcissist or even if he’s not and there are two sides and he’s just over the bullshit. Either way, I’m giving you sound advice. Start planning your escape, planning your kids escapes, do it quickly and in silence, and go somewhere far and where he can’t access you easily. Any of you. Period.