Daughter hates dad

[Flor68]

My 16 year old daughter can't stand her father (my husband), they have always had a on/off strained relationship, because my husband hasn't been the best father o husband really, he is a narcissist who blames everyone else for his shortcomings, he wasn't very involved when she was little, he has a short temper and gets annoyed and offended easily specially if someone doesn't do what he asks o what he thinks it should be done, and when he loses his temper he resorts to insults and silent treatment.
My daughter has had enough and she is braver than I would ever be ( please don't judge me for still being with him, I can't leave for so many reasons).
So she refuses to talk/acknowledge o sit at the same table as him to the point where this year she has told me she won't be having Xmas dinner with us.
I know she has the right to but my husband will be giving me a hard time for it, he blames me for any behaviour against him by the kids (also have an 18 year old son, who puts up with his dad a lot but knows his dad behaviour is wrong).
According to him I'm a bad parent/too soft/too lenient and I am not preparing them for the future (he is probably right) all because I literally don't pick fights, give them choices and let them make mistakes, and I'm there for them no matter what, they can rude to me because they are teenagers but I always make sure they know I love them unconditionally.
I'm not a pushy mum, I think I overcompensate because their dad love is conditional to them behaving the way he wants when he wants.
So really I am just looking for some understanding, as sometimes I do believe is all my fault, I haven't been able to raise a functional family we are all living under the same roof but we are not together.
I want to know my daughter will be ok again and will let go of her anger and be happy.
I just need some sympathy, I can't tell my friends as they always just say I should leave him but I can't do that ( financially I won't have enough money on a TA salary, he won't agree to an amicable split, I can't deal with that, I have 2 kids,2cats,1dog, and to top it all up I have plasma cells cancer which is now under controlled but is incurable). I am scared if I die what would happen between them all?
Sorry for the long rumble, hope it makes sense and thank you for reading it til the end.

What callous nasty replies from some posters. I don't know what they are trying to achieve by being so vicious to the OP.

The OP has untreatable cancer and is married to an abusive man. Even if you are really questioning the OPs behaviour then there are ways of doing it more gently.

OP, please, if you are still
reading this, ignore the nasty responses and get help elsewhere.
Try to think of how this all might turn out in the future. Do you really want to grow old with this man? What happens if you need more help with your cancer? What happens if you are both retired and he is home all day?

Good luck, please don't blame yourself. There are plenty of women who think they can't leave abusive men.

Very similar to my upbringing. I left when I was your daughter's age. Looking back, I was mentally very unwell. I moved to a big city, very vulnerable but of course I didn't know it. I was groomed by older men, of course I didn't know that either, they were my boyfriends. It got worse but ok now.

I desperately wanted my mum to leave - I'd have gone to the ends of the earth for her. She chose him and rejected me. She became ill a couple of years after I left and died a couple of years after that. I never had an adult relationship with her and never reconciled my childhood. My father died not long after which was a relief tbh. It's all a painful wound that will never heal and not something I could ever talk about irl. I have a happy life but not an easy one and I certainly haven't achieved what I should have - so much has been survival.

Sorry OP, this isn't what you want to hear. I wish you and your daughter all the best - that's my story but hopefully your daughters will be much easier whatever happens.

Just reading the rest of the thread. Haffiana - how disgusting! And to think your the righteous one - no this is the lowest of the low. If you've any decency, you'll report your own post and get it removed. Then get help because this isn't right.

I grew up with a controlling, nasty misogynistic father. We fought from when I was a very small child, and ceased to speak at all when I was 15.

I left home at the first opportunity, to get away from him, and we never spoke again. I regarded him with absolute contempt and there was nothing to be gained by trying to rekindle the relationship because he remained a nasty piece of work. Nothing had changed.

In the end, I came to pity my dm, for wasting 42 years of her life on such a horrible man. She too refused to do anything about it, and I do understand how insurmountable leaving can seem. I am sorry your situation is so difficult.

Your dd is expressing her perfectly valid views. She knows what her father is, and her opinion is valid. If you won't leave him, then the best you can do is support her in her views and ignore his pathetic 'silent treatment'. Be ready to help her when she finally can't stand it any more, and leaves.

Having been through the same as your dd, I have chosen not to marry, I'll never trust or share my home with a man. These things have long term effects. Hopefully your dd is less affected