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Original poster

Struggling with dp’s attitude to son, wwyd?

113 replies

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:40

Been with DP since march, it’s been a happy relationship. Both almost forty and have talked about a family, I’ve been clear I want that and he has said similar. However, shortly after we met he told me he had a son he has never met. Son was only 5 months when we met (so just had his first birthday, which is why it’s come up again). I asked why he hadn’t met his son as apparently he pays maintenance, he said his ex nearly ruined his life with verbal abuse and tried to control him, looked on his phone etc and was obsessed with wanting a child, he says she absolutely came off the pill without telling him and that to get involved with her in any way would be too hard for his mental health.

obviously at first I wasn’t too interested in it as I was dating generally, but as we have got closer it’s started to bother me. I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me .. I guess it could have changed and got worse when pregnant but it just doesn’t seem as clear cut as she was crazy and abusive.

my friend says at my age I should just let this go, it’s his issue with a previous relationship and me and him are happy. And we are so happy, I love being with him. But how can someone have a one year old they’ve never met? I just find it really cold and detached, why isn’t he curious?! His dad has also never met his grandson which I also find crazy!! if I had known this from day one I wouldn’t have even met him but I do feel I’m falling in love with him and really enjoy the relationship. On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 11/12/2022 12:46

Men are good at compartmentalising their life.
Out of sight out of mind for this baby I expect .
also the longer it goes on with no contact then the easier it will be .
the problem is - if you have a child with him - will you want that child to meet it’s half brother - and the issues that will then cause

all very messy.

category12 · 11/12/2022 12:49

If he is so able to cut off from one child, I would not rate him as a potential father for my own children.

Original poster
Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:54

@category12 that’s my worry, if he’s capable of doing that then I wouldn’t want to assume he just wouldn’t do that to me too.

@Fidgety31 gosh I was hoping as time went on it would be harder not easier for him! Almost thought Christmas would be pushing him to think more about it too.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 11/12/2022 12:55

Depends what do you want? A family or a child support check

Original poster
Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:56

@Theunamedcat what do you mean? As in he may do the same to me?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 11/12/2022 13:01

my friend says at my age I should just let this go, it’s his issue with a previous relationship and me and him are happy.

Your friend is a nitwit who has failed to perceive that he & his ex were ALSO happy.
Until she had a child, & was given the standard MyCrazyExTM label for her pains.

How come he suddenly WANTS a child now, when he didn't want one less than 2 years ago?

He's either telling you what you want to hear - in which case he's a Future Faker.
Or he's fooled himself he'll cope with you maybe getting pregnant & having a child, but won't cope with the reality, & will respond by treating you exactly how he treated his ex & baby.

But how can someone have a one year old they’ve never met? I just find it really cold and detached, why isn’t he curious?! His dad has also never met his grandson which I also find crazy!!
Run fast from this family. They'll do the same to you & your potential child if they want to. It's clearly nothing to them.

if I had known this from day one I wouldn’t have even met him but I do feel I’m falling in love with him and really enjoy the relationship.
Hold on.
You find him cold, detached, & crazy. Your own words.
It's not possible to be feeling that AND falling in love with him for crying out loud.
You are trying to convince yourself, because you desperately want a child within a family set-up. No blame on you there - sadly, time is no longer on your side, & I'm sorry about that ...
But you've known this charmer for just 8 or 9 months. You already know what he's made of. Why would you risk pregnancy with him?
You'd be better off with an anonymous sperm donor.

On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?
I was the baby.
My father attended the conception.
He paid nothing to my mother for my upbringing - not one penny.
He deigned to meet me twice as an adult, made a lot of fulsome & unasked-for promises about establishing a viable adult relationship, then cut me off again in one phone call when his then wife got arsey about presumed inheritance chasing.

Like I needed that twat for his money ... I made my own thanks.
I'd have preferred a sperm donor for a bio father, frankly. Would have saved a bit of grief.

Muddywaters1 · 11/12/2022 13:01

Even if she was the female equivalent of Satan, that doesn't excuse him from forming a relationship with his child....he is CHOOSING to let the poor wee boy grow up thinking his dad can't be arsed with him....which would be the right assumption

pictish · 11/12/2022 13:02

I would be very wary…not only about him not seeing the child but his reasoning behind it. She was abusive and tricked him into fatherhood eh? All her fault, he was innocently duped and dreadfully mistreated. Aye ok then.

So he ignores that baby but wants to have one with you. Sounds great!

Your instinct is kicking in. Listen to it.

pictish · 11/12/2022 13:03

Oh and your pal is a fuckwit who values having a man over having self-respect.

pictish · 11/12/2022 13:04

And and AND…this is isn’t even his past…it’s fucking current. The kid is one.

KettrickenSmiled · 11/12/2022 13:05

gosh I was hoping as time went on it would be harder not easier for him! Almost thought Christmas would be pushing him to think more about it too.

Please don't be naive about this.
what is the point of HOPING for an about-face in his behaviour, when you already have concrete EVIDENCE of how he behaves?

Take off the baby-maker goggles.
He lied to his ex, he's lying about her, & he doesn't give a shit about his child.
You reckon you're the woman to change all that? Don't make me laugh.

You could probably run into a bar at 11pm on a saturday night, shag the nearest viable contender behind the bins, & end up with a more committed co-parent than the one you're dating.

JoanCandy · 11/12/2022 13:06

The happy coupled up fee-fees you're having right now were once where he was with his ex ... and look what happened there.
Why wouldn't / couldn't he do exactly the same to you and a potential child ?
It's the classic - she tricked me into it, she's a psycho - BS that's as old as time. Maybe when she was pregnant she had a rough time of it and needed a bit of support and he couldn't handle it - why do you think it would be any different for you ?
Be very, very wary and careful here, OP.

JoanCandy · 11/12/2022 13:08

Muddywaters1 · 11/12/2022 13:01

Even if she was the female equivalent of Satan, that doesn't excuse him from forming a relationship with his child....he is CHOOSING to let the poor wee boy grow up thinking his dad can't be arsed with him....which would be the right assumption

^ This.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2022 13:08

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:56

@Theunamedcat what do you mean? As in he may do the same to me?

Why wouldn't he? He's already abandoned one child, doing it again would be no surprise. You really need to raise your bar.

FlorettaB · 11/12/2022 13:09

Why would you want to have a baby with someone who has no relationship with their baby?

pinkfondu · 11/12/2022 13:10

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:40

Been with DP since march, it’s been a happy relationship. Both almost forty and have talked about a family, I’ve been clear I want that and he has said similar. However, shortly after we met he told me he had a son he has never met. Son was only 5 months when we met (so just had his first birthday, which is why it’s come up again). I asked why he hadn’t met his son as apparently he pays maintenance, he said his ex nearly ruined his life with verbal abuse and tried to control him, looked on his phone etc and was obsessed with wanting a child, he says she absolutely came off the pill without telling him and that to get involved with her in any way would be too hard for his mental health.

obviously at first I wasn’t too interested in it as I was dating generally, but as we have got closer it’s started to bother me. I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me .. I guess it could have changed and got worse when pregnant but it just doesn’t seem as clear cut as she was crazy and abusive.

my friend says at my age I should just let this go, it’s his issue with a previous relationship and me and him are happy. And we are so happy, I love being with him. But how can someone have a one year old they’ve never met? I just find it really cold and detached, why isn’t he curious?! His dad has also never met his grandson which I also find crazy!! if I had known this from day one I wouldn’t have even met him but I do feel I’m falling in love with him and really enjoy the relationship. On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?

Mine turned out to be abusive and wasn't his choice at all. Was told little and then more and more came out over the years. After two kids I finally escaped. However I'm tired to him with the kids. Still tries to control me. Isn't a good father. How could I have saddled my kids with such a loser!

WhatTheHellIsAQuasar · 11/12/2022 13:10

I don’t think I’d even be friends with someone behaving so callously towards his own baby let alone be planning a future and parenthood with him

Name99 · 11/12/2022 13:12

He is telling you what kind of man he is.
Listen to him and take heed

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 13:13

Why would you choose to have a baby with a man who has demonstrated that he has no interest in being a father?

Look at the evidence. He’s bad news.

I would cut off a friend who behaved like this, let alone have a boyfriend stick around with the intention of becoming the next single mother left in his wake.

You really need to question your decision-making here. Get that time is ticking and you’d like to have children, but this isn’t the man to lumber kids with. He’s already a useful father.

dontputitthere · 11/12/2022 13:14

He's showing you what kind of parent he is. A non existent one

Your friend is an idiot

And yes to the pp saying he's done the standard stitch up job 'oh my ex was a psycho' (should be a red flag in itself) but so what. That doesn't stop him being a father to his child.

Run for the hills

KettrickenSmiled · 11/12/2022 13:14

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:56

@Theunamedcat what do you mean? As in he may do the same to me?

I imagine Unamedcat means - focus on what you want, & whether that is a child you can afford to raise solo, or a co-parent who you hope will share the burden of cost.

And by cost, she is clearly driving at - can you afford this solo, or are you looking for financial support from a man.
Although I would add - can you afford the emotional & practical cost? Do you feel able to raise a child solo, bearing the entire logistical & emotional load yourself?

I don't understand how you feel he could do the same to you? The same what - billing you for maintenance? he'd have to step up first, & on current form that's not likely.

If you feel totally able to do this singlehandedly - financial, practical, emotional - & cannot envisage happiness without a child, FGS do NOT involve this man. DIY would be your best bet.

Apologies for the robust speech btw. I am genuinely keen for you not to get taken for a ride by this man, & suspect that you are an otherwise intelligent woman who has been suckered by him, due to the stress of your bio clock ticking down. As per previous post - I have skin in this game, & can tell you for a fact that no father AT ALL is better than one who abandons you. (In my case - twice. They don't change.)

Lydia777 · 11/12/2022 13:16

If his ex his crazy and abusive (which I highly doubt), surely a decent man would be doing everything he could to protect his child from that |(access/full custody if she is so bad), not abandoning his child to an abuser.

A man who abandons his child is scum - no exceptions. A man who abandons his child to an abuser ... well there are no words really...

If you want a baby, go it alone - better a child have no father than one like him.

OldReliable · 11/12/2022 13:18

I couldn't love a man who didn't want a relationship with his child. It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Lividity · 11/12/2022 13:20

Nope.

More than a red flag, this should be a deal-breaker. Doesn’t matter how “psycho” she is. That’s his child.

I’d be cutting ties now before you start to believe that’s normal behaviour.

littlemousebigcheese · 11/12/2022 13:21

He's showing you who he is, so believe it