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Original poster

Struggling with dp’s attitude to son, wwyd?

113 replies

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:40

Been with DP since march, it’s been a happy relationship. Both almost forty and have talked about a family, I’ve been clear I want that and he has said similar. However, shortly after we met he told me he had a son he has never met. Son was only 5 months when we met (so just had his first birthday, which is why it’s come up again). I asked why he hadn’t met his son as apparently he pays maintenance, he said his ex nearly ruined his life with verbal abuse and tried to control him, looked on his phone etc and was obsessed with wanting a child, he says she absolutely came off the pill without telling him and that to get involved with her in any way would be too hard for his mental health.

obviously at first I wasn’t too interested in it as I was dating generally, but as we have got closer it’s started to bother me. I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me .. I guess it could have changed and got worse when pregnant but it just doesn’t seem as clear cut as she was crazy and abusive.

my friend says at my age I should just let this go, it’s his issue with a previous relationship and me and him are happy. And we are so happy, I love being with him. But how can someone have a one year old they’ve never met? I just find it really cold and detached, why isn’t he curious?! His dad has also never met his grandson which I also find crazy!! if I had known this from day one I wouldn’t have even met him but I do feel I’m falling in love with him and really enjoy the relationship. On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/12/2022 18:59

Grplj · 11/12/2022 18:50

It was the father.. he had a phone call in front of me saying I was going down with him and could meet too… was told ‘another time.’

Or maybe his dad is furious about the way things ended with his baby's mom and doesn't want to get mixed up in any more of his relationships

gonnabeok · 11/12/2022 19:01

run for the hills. He's very likely lying about the ex to make justify his absence from his child's life. Some men cant handle the loss of attention from their partner when children come along and can become jealous of their own children so he's told you she's the "psycho" one. The only reason his mental health would suffer is because he's a loser and would have to step up to be in his child's life if he was a decent person.

Daffodilis · 11/12/2022 19:01

Did you hear his dad saying this to him?

HumourReplacementTherapy · 11/12/2022 19:16

Just out of interest what's his financial situation?
Are you a home owner?
Has he seen you coming as he needs a roof over his head since he split?
Can you imagine not fighting for the right to see your own child? Tbh he's not even tried has he? He's chosen not to have anything to do with him.
He's told you who he is
Rest is up to you.

Gagaandgag · 11/12/2022 19:24

Just don’t do it. He is showing you who he is

Gagaandgag · 11/12/2022 19:27

You should always trust your gut. You know what your gut is telling you -that’s why you posted the Op. good luck x

Heyheyitsanotherday · 11/12/2022 19:28

Utter bad news. That poor kid. What ever happens in a relationship it’s not the child’s fault. And pill or no pill he was clearly not bothered about protection on his side. Takes 2 to make a baby. Gaslighting nobhead is my gut feeling.
He sounds a total fucktard. Get away before he’s sending you 20p at Christmas via the csa like my wanker of a biological dad did (he did the same to 3 other kids prior to me too… Once a shit dad always a shit dad). what ever you do do not make another child have him as a father. Waste of space!! Get out of this whilst you can. On a side note… he’s a liar too. Never admitted to you he has a son he can’t be arsed to see? Run now!

KettrickenSmiled · 11/12/2022 19:30

We drove 300 miles to see his dad, stayed locally as DP doesn’t stay at his dads place, never has, and his dad knew I had gone down with him and left me in the holiday home (a remote place) from 12 - 9, no invite and no interest in meeting me.

And you are holding HIS DAD accountable, for leaving you alone in the holiday home for 9 hours?

That makes as much sense as him blaming his ex for his refusal to have anything to do with his own child.

Heyheyitsanotherday · 11/12/2022 19:32

Ps. I understand it’s tough finding someone especially when you want a family of your own. But don’t lumber yourself and your future children with a dingbat of a man. You deserve better and so do your future kids x

Keepitrealnomists · 11/12/2022 19:32

I always say that if your planning /considering children with someone that already has a child then you know what type of parent they are based on how they treat/parent existing children. Do not expect anything different.... Run for the hills!

Onnabugeisha · 11/12/2022 19:38

I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me ..

I’m just baffled that anyone thinks the photos on Facebook show the reality of any relationship? And that many posters have run with the narrative of them having been happy and loved up and he’s run out on her. It’s not that clear cut imho.

SM is notorious for being a highlight reel at best and aspirational fakery at worst. The Facebook for Gabby Pieto & Brian Laundrie showed their thrilling, happy, fun “van life” and had captions about living their best lives and how much they completed each other when the reality is that he was horribly abusing Gabby and ended up killing her by the side of the road in the middle of the USA “van life” tour.

You cannot judge anything about a relationship from Facebook!

So, not it’s not clear at all that they were actually happy.

OtterInABox · 11/12/2022 19:39

You've posted about him before haven't you?

Mumofnarnia · 11/12/2022 19:46

Onnabugeisha · 11/12/2022 19:38

I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me ..

I’m just baffled that anyone thinks the photos on Facebook show the reality of any relationship? And that many posters have run with the narrative of them having been happy and loved up and he’s run out on her. It’s not that clear cut imho.

SM is notorious for being a highlight reel at best and aspirational fakery at worst. The Facebook for Gabby Pieto & Brian Laundrie showed their thrilling, happy, fun “van life” and had captions about living their best lives and how much they completed each other when the reality is that he was horribly abusing Gabby and ended up killing her by the side of the road in the middle of the USA “van life” tour.

You cannot judge anything about a relationship from Facebook!

So, not it’s not clear at all that they were actually happy.

This!!! All my Facebook pictures of me and my ex suggested I was happy and that we were both loved up! From the outside I seemed to have the perfect life - house, car, child, holidays abroad. Behind closed doors he was abusive and I was unhappy.

pinkfondu · 11/12/2022 20:26

Grplj · 11/12/2022 18:50

It was the father.. he had a phone call in front of me saying I was going down with him and could meet too… was told ‘another time.’

So he left you there all that time?

Why are you blaming his dad?

What does he have to do to show you who he is?

Opentooffers · 11/12/2022 23:05

I call BS on the reason he's not seeing his baby and his description of his ex.
Nobody with any ounce of feeling and care for their DC would leave them to be with an abusive person 100% of the time. Not without any checking up, he's just not interested and would not be interested in yours either.
You seem to start by rightly thinking it's a major issue, but the only one and everything else is good. However, there is also another instance of poor behaviour, and this time with you. I think if you look at how he behaves more in the relationship, you will start to notice other things that you may have glossed over while being in the honeymoon phase.
It's hard to be objective when you are in it, but try to notice when he makes you wonder or double take. Do not rush into a situation that you will come to regret.

AgathaMystery · 11/12/2022 23:10

As women, if we decide to have a baby, the more important decision we make is who the father will be. This man has shown you who he is. He will do this to you. Avoid.

Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2022 23:35

Fuck that for a lark.

Even if we believe the 'ex is crazy' standard bs - why on earth has he abandoned his child with her then?! Or maybe he thinks children are 'women's work'.

If you aren't sure if you want to leave him or not yet then - Do not get pregnant. See how you feel about him in 2 more years before considering kids. Don't let him move in with you for another year at least either. I suspect he will have shown his true colours by the though.

hopeahead · 11/12/2022 23:45

I have been contacted by three different women over the years who have been tricked by my ex husband and his sob story to hook them is always the same, I was the psycho blah blah blah. My response to everyone of them... more fool you!!
Don't be so stupid he's fooling you.
Make sure you are able to manage without him.

hopeahead · 11/12/2022 23:52

The bit about the dad visit makes me feel extremely sad for you. Yes middle age dating is rough but you are worth a lot more than how you're already being treated.

Bedazzled22 · 11/12/2022 23:55

So if you have a baby with him and you break up in future you would be ok being left and him having no relationship with your child either? Surely thats what he’d do… its sad to think he has abandoned his child…
Your friend is an idiot too -sorry!

Mari9999 · 11/12/2022 23:59

It sounds as though your apple did not fall far from his tree. You have now encountered 2 generation of strange in this family. Is this the family tree the you would want for your child?

lemmein · 12/12/2022 01:54

My DGS (5) father is like this. He's seen him a couple of times in those 5 years - never ever contacts my DD to ask how he is, never had so much as a birthday card (I doubt very much he even knows when his bd is)

His family know my DGS exists and haven't bothered either - though the 'grandad' of my GS has kids scattered all over the place so it's no surprise really.

I seen on fb the waste of space has just got engaged to a woman who has kids a similar age to my DGS. Lots of pics of him having 'family time' with somebody else's kids; with lots of comments of how great he is 🙄 absolute scum. I doubt he's told her my DD is the 'crazy ex' because I doubt he's told her anything at all - I'd be amazed if she knew about my GS, his dad has never publicly acknowledged him.

It breaks my heart for my GS who is just starting to understand relationships and is insisting to everybody, despite us telling him otherwise, that my DH (his grandad) is his 'dad' Sad

I wish social media wasn't a thing really because as he gets older he'll be able to see his dads history has never included even a passing thought about him.

Baffles my brain how anyone could behave like that, it really does. There's no way I could be playing 'mummy' to someone else's kids whilst abandoning my own.

I'd run a mile OP - unless you're fully prepared to bring up a baby on your own. The only positive is, if you do have a baby with him he's unlikely to drag you through the courts for contact. Cheaper than a sperm-donor I suppose, costly mentally though!

Ponderingwindow · 12/12/2022 02:21

Suppose his telling of the situation is 100% accurate. His ex is an awful, abusive woman.

that means he is the kind of man who would leave his infant son behind with an abuser. He could at least be providing his child periods of time with a safe and sane parent by sharing custody (obviously in an age appropriate way)

take him at his word. This is not the kind of man you want to father your child. This is not the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Andypandy799 · 12/12/2022 03:57

@Grplj do t know what you want people to tell you?

THERE IS NO excuse for a man to abandon his child. That poor young boy his son did not choose a sperm donor. Get some self respect and leave the twat is that’s what he is. I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire I’d just pour petrol on

Snugglemonkey · 12/12/2022 05:40

He is showing you very clearly that he is not father material. Do not have a child with this man.

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