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Original poster

Struggling with dp’s attitude to son, wwyd?

113 replies

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:40

Been with DP since march, it’s been a happy relationship. Both almost forty and have talked about a family, I’ve been clear I want that and he has said similar. However, shortly after we met he told me he had a son he has never met. Son was only 5 months when we met (so just had his first birthday, which is why it’s come up again). I asked why he hadn’t met his son as apparently he pays maintenance, he said his ex nearly ruined his life with verbal abuse and tried to control him, looked on his phone etc and was obsessed with wanting a child, he says she absolutely came off the pill without telling him and that to get involved with her in any way would be too hard for his mental health.

obviously at first I wasn’t too interested in it as I was dating generally, but as we have got closer it’s started to bother me. I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me .. I guess it could have changed and got worse when pregnant but it just doesn’t seem as clear cut as she was crazy and abusive.

my friend says at my age I should just let this go, it’s his issue with a previous relationship and me and him are happy. And we are so happy, I love being with him. But how can someone have a one year old they’ve never met? I just find it really cold and detached, why isn’t he curious?! His dad has also never met his grandson which I also find crazy!! if I had known this from day one I wouldn’t have even met him but I do feel I’m falling in love with him and really enjoy the relationship. On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?

OP posts:
RandomPerson42 · 11/12/2022 13:28

I think it’s pretty awful of him to be honest, but plenty of men do not even realise what they are doing.

If he has never met his son it’s likely not an issue at all to him - perhaps if he had met his son and had formed a relationship with him he would now realise what he would be missing without it - we don’t know how wonderful it is to have children until we do have them (and watch them grow up etc) - he is possibly detached bacause he is detached. I.e. ignorant of the reality.

But he shows a major lack of empathy and selfishness - he should be far more concerned about his son than his own mental health. He should want full custody if his ex is that bad.

What is even weirder is the grandfather who should know much better - so that sends the flag that his son might have the same cold detached personality - that would worry me even more.

Theskyisfallingdown · 11/12/2022 13:28

Believe him-he’s demonstrating to every minute of the day that he is deadbeat scum. His behaviour choices are disgraceful, and he has no right to breed any more kids to traumatise. Does he not repulse you?!

A sperm donor from a clinic would obviously be better to create a kid than this specimen.

MoreSleepPleasee · 11/12/2022 13:30

My sons dad cut him off as a baby due to his mental health apparently. Well that was the excuse he used 10 years later. He's cut off 3 of his kids now though so he's just a shit person. Run OP. What kind of monster would abandon their own child.

glitterfarts · 11/12/2022 13:30

This man isn't your partner, you've been together less than a year.
Do you live together? If so, whose house? How about bills, money.

Be very wary of a man who rushes a relationship, it is a tactic of abusive men to rush things and trap you with a baby.

Don't be in such a hurry that you ignore warning signs.

Theskyisfallingdown · 11/12/2022 13:32

@KettrickenSmiled nailed it.

Dacadactyl · 11/12/2022 13:39

I'm sure you've already posted about this?

He's a crap dad. His child is separate to the ex and however unhinged she may be (I don't believe she is BTW, think that's just his story) his child deserves a relationship with his dad.

Also, if she really was that mad he should be going for custody.

I'd dump him. He is no prize.

Crabwoman · 11/12/2022 13:41

If I had a child with an ex who was "crazy and abusive" I would be moving heaven and earth to make sure my child would be safe from that. The fact he is not doing that makes him a dick.

However, I'd stake money on her not being "crazy and abusive" - more likely she called him out on his behaviour and he didn't like it so wiped his hands of it and moved on.

Also your friend is a complete idiot.

CheesusWept · 11/12/2022 13:42

Are you sure he’s actually paying maintenance? I’d want proof of that.

Either way, he sounds like an absolute waste of space.

BessieSurtees · 11/12/2022 13:51

Okay so in March he had abandoned his 5 month old baby because his ex was so crazy that he still fears for his mental health? No attempt to protect that child from his crazy ex or go to family mediation, and you only have his word for it?

He has got this far in life with no other children and never wanting one?

And yet …. only 9 month after meeting you, and a year after his unwanted baby was born and he suffered such trauma he has recovered enough to suddenly want to plan a baby with you, the first time he has wanted a child? What a load of bollocks.

How many women abandon their children because their ex is abusive?

If he wants to be a father he could start with the child he already has.

Goldbar · 11/12/2022 13:53

He had a chance to be a father and he fucked up and doesn't care. Why would you give him a second chance at something so important?

pinneddownbytabbies · 11/12/2022 14:01

it just doesn't seem as clear cut as she was crazy and abusive.

Was she? You only have his word for that.

If she is so crazy and abusive, how come he has let her have sole custody of their dc? Nobody in their right mind would leave a baby with someone like that.

tickticksnooze · 11/12/2022 14:01

I don't think it's fair or ethical to knowingly lumber another child with someone like this as a father. He will mess them up.

Ohmygoshposh · 11/12/2022 14:03

Well, I wouldn’t have a child with this man, that’s for sure!

Changechangychange · 11/12/2022 14:11

Grplj · 11/12/2022 12:56

@Theunamedcat what do you mean? As in he may do the same to me?

He will definitely do the same to you. I expect he is hoping that if you are 40 he can delay by a year or two and then you’ll have missed the boat. If he actually wanted a family he’d see his child.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 11/12/2022 14:14

Father of the year there. Why would you have a child with someone who openly admits they have no relationship with their existing child?
If he's done it once he can easily do it again.

forrestgreen · 11/12/2022 14:18

If you did a post

'If you have a 1yr old and the dad has never seen your baby, can you tell me why..?'

What do you think the responses will be?

PeppermintChoc · 11/12/2022 14:19

Tbh after the BS I’ve witnessed DH endure with his ex and son from that relationship I can sometimes sympathise that it might be better for all parties to walk away from a toxic co-parenting relationship.

But I wouldn’t agree that’s what’s happened here and given the child is so small there is no way I’d even consider bringing another child into this situation. He sounds like a flake.

ICanHideButICantRun · 11/12/2022 14:20

Out of all of the men you could choose as a father for your future child, a man who has abandoned his own child, calling his ex crazy, should be at the very bottom of the list.

Seriously, if you have a child with him, you'll regret it.

excelledyourself · 11/12/2022 14:35

he said his ex nearly ruined his life with verbal abuse and tried to control him, looked on his phone etc and was obsessed with wanting a child, he says she absolutely came off the pill without telling him and that to get involved with her in any way would be too hard for his mental health.

So he knew all this about her, and yet continued to sleep with her, unprotected?

And now he's abandoned his kid, leaving them with someone someone who is apparently so awful. Never mind that kids mental health, eh?

What a waster.

tenbob · 11/12/2022 14:43

At almost 40, the odds are already stacking up against you for having kids

So if you do go for it, you’re going to need someone who wants this badly enough to support you through the low points, potentially have fertility treatment and be prepared to have tests, watch you have tests and be there for you physically and emotionally.
And then if it works, support you through a pregnancy which will almost certainly be more anxious than normal

This clown has already told you that he puts his own mental health (which sounds to me like shorthand for ‘self’) above anything else

He isn’t going to give the first shit about you during the ttc process, nor is he going to hang around if it gets stressful or difficult ’for the sake of my mental health’

Cut your losses now while you’ve got time to find someone less selfish and flaky

momonpurpose · 11/12/2022 14:49

My sister married a man like this. Our mom used to tell her he did it to his first kids he will do it to yours... And he did.

Greenfairydust · 11/12/2022 15:04

What he has told you is a lot of nonsense: even if there were issues with his ex there is no reason why he should not be having a relationship with his son.

Personally any man who starts talking about a ''psycho'' ex-partner is a no go. It is always a red flag and so is not having contact with your own child.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and move on.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2022 15:05

He's a man who has put his own feelings ahead of his own child and as a result has abandoned that child. He's weak and selfish. Not someone I'd want to be depending on as a partner or as the father of my child. If he'd walk away from one child, he'll walk away from yours. I know my own DH, and I could have been as 'crazy' and cruel as the 'bunny boiler' in Fatal Attraction and he would still have moved heaven and earth, taken all legal action possible, to see his children.

What the hell is with your friend? She's telling you to 'settle' because you are 'almost 40'? No one should EVER 'settle' for less than a good, decent, reliable partner, no matter their age. If this is only about having a child for you, you'd be better off going it alone via sperm donation, adoption, or fostering.

So he has a 'crazy ex', does he? I'm not saying they don't exist, just that it seems that every abusive, lazy, or unreliable man out there has a 'crazy ex'. And each of their 'crazy exes' behaviour is so identical that you'd think they were all involved with the same woman.

Think long and hard. And if after you do, you still want to pursue a relationship with this man (I wouldn't) then you better make damned sure you never give up work and remain completely self-supporting, NEVER combine finances, and sew up any contributions for a joint home purchase air tight legally.

Sandra1984 · 11/12/2022 15:10

Any man who comes to you with a “my ex is a bitch/a psycho” you need to run away fast, very fast.

One day you will be that “psycho”.

MintJulia · 11/12/2022 15:11

So he's told you the crazy ex story, when in fact he's abandoned his child. Does he pay the CMS minimum or does he actually provide for his child?

Frankly I'd run for the hills. He's telling you whatever you want to hear so he can maintain a sexual relationship but I bet as soon as you suggest anything more, he'll be 'not ready yet' or he'll just disappear. Don't waste your time.

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