Struggling with dp’s attitude to son, wwyd?

[Grplj]

Been with DP since march, it’s been a happy relationship. Both almost forty and have talked about a family, I’ve been clear I want that and he has said similar. However, shortly after we met he told me he had a son he has never met. Son was only 5 months when we met (so just had his first birthday, which is why it’s come up again). I asked why he hadn’t met his son as apparently he pays maintenance, he said his ex nearly ruined his life with verbal abuse and tried to control him, looked on his phone etc and was obsessed with wanting a child, he says she absolutely came off the pill without telling him and that to get involved with her in any way would be too hard for his mental health.

obviously at first I wasn’t too interested in it as I was dating generally, but as we have got closer it’s started to bother me. I looked through his photos on facebook and around a year before the baby arrived there were loads of photos of them together on trips away, clearly happy and not the image of the relationship he describes to me .. I guess it could have changed and got worse when pregnant but it just doesn’t seem as clear cut as she was crazy and abusive.

my friend says at my age I should just let this go, it’s his issue with a previous relationship and me and him are happy. And we are so happy, I love being with him. But how can someone have a one year old they’ve never met? I just find it really cold and detached, why isn’t he curious?! His dad has also never met his grandson which I also find crazy!! if I had known this from day one I wouldn’t have even met him but I do feel I’m falling in love with him and really enjoy the relationship. On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?

You have two options.

1. Stay with him and see what happens. Figure out why his DF is weird/rude, discover why exactly he's not seeing his child and wait and see if that changes.

1. Look at what he's telling you and act accordingly.

Playing the devil's advocate slightly, it is possible that he is telling the truth although statistically less likely. He may well be a deadbeat, but it may not be the full picture.

There are women who are not the MN type and don't put their child first.

The ex may well be obstructive, and they may have had a mutually toxic relationship. Some women don't view the father as the childs family only their own.
Court orders can be ignored very easily and to keep persisting costs money. Men can and do have mental health issues where dealing with a toxic ex can send them spiralling downwards. Parents who are toxic and constantly battling are not good for DC, so it may be in the childs interest for him to stay away.

So, what is his financial position? Does he have accommodation where his child could have his child? Does he earn enough to provide a home?
Does he envisage being in the position of being able to pursue access? What is he doing to improve his mental health?

As others have said, tread carefully. Don't even consider a baby yourself until you are in a position to see the situation for the reality.

I really do not understand this holiday home thing. How is it his dads fault? It sounds like the visit was sprung on him and it wasn’t a good time. But that aside, why were you “left” in the holiday home for nine hours? Why didn’t you go with your boyfriend to wherever he was going?

To the initial concern, no I couldn’t be with a man like this. If he has got to late 30s without wanting children then I dare say he doesn’t want children and is hoping you will run out of time.

When I was OLD everytime I heard 'the ex is crazy' my first thought was 'what have you done to make her this way'. I know there are exceptions but there really cannot be that many insane women going around raising kids by themselves. Also if the ex is really crazy in some way then no man worth his salt would walk away from the child.

This

On the off chance anyone has been through similar, how did it pan out?

In answer to this...If a man has walked away once, he finds it easier to do a 2nd or 3rd time.

If she was the female Satan then surely that's even more reason for his Father to be in his life. A half decent man shouldn't be ok with Satan raising his child.

Are you ok with wasting your fertility on this child abandoner? Going on little day trips etc with a monster. The mind boggles.

Bloody hell. I am gobsmacked you let this go
anywhere in the first place. I wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole.

These are more than red flags. Run away.

If you want a kid yourself you don’t have any time to spare, you’ve already sank ten months on this bloke, don’t waste any more. Don’t fall in to the sunken costs fallacy, wouldn’t be fair to burden another kid with this male as a ‘father’, your focus should be on finding a decent bloke to date and eventually have a kid with, or, sperm donation. The deadbeats visit to his relatives house is irrelevant to you, take back control of your life and your remaining fertile years.

I know three men who claim they were ‘tricked’ into fatherhood with the woman purposely not taking the pill. They all still had a relationship with the children and a very close and loving one at that. Any guy who ditches his child is an arsehole imo so I couldn’t personally continue with this relationship.

When I was OLD everytime I heard 'the ex is crazy' my first thought was 'what have you done to make her this way'. I know there are exceptions but there really cannot be that many insane women going around raising kids by themselves.

I find that decent people with genuinely mentally unwell or very difficult exes don't make broad-stroke criticisms like 'she's/he's crazy' but usually have a deep, nuanced and compassionate take on their ex and the issues they have, as well as their own faults/mistakes that led them into and kept them in the relationship with the difficult person, plus a strong understanding of boundaries.

The true red flag is character assassination or vague, shoulder-shrugging dismissals of the ex as a person, as well as a lack of understanding of what may have caused the ex's issues and the relationship issues.

OP, if you raise your concerns about his partner seems reluctant to talk about his previous relationship in detail, dismisses the fact of him having no contact with his child and also doesn't see his father's behaviour as weird, I would be seriously reassessing the potential of this relationship.

In my experience, glossing over major past issues with shallow answers and dismissing your concerns are major red flags for someone who is emotionally unavailable and probably has hidden dysfunctional thinking patterns.

The things is, what he is saying may well be correct. But it's too much of a gamble. If you choose to have a child with him and the story is actually something different. Eg maybe he's abusive or carn't be bothered with his child, you have already commited! Yes you can remove yourself from the relationship but your child carn't.
I wouldn't take the risk, I would end the relationship now.