Started seeing a new guy in September. Have known him for two years through work (he doesn't work at my workplace but is the CEO of a small event business, which is a partner of the company I work at.) We are the same age (42), both divorced with similar age DC. He pursued me for a long time - calling, texting, emailing, asking to meet up, inviting me to events. When I did not show a lot of interest as I was getting over my divorce, it went quiet for a bit and then he'd start up again.
When I finally agreed to go for dinner with him this September he presented to me what I can only describe as a proposal for a second marriage. Obviously caveated with the fact that he knew we were not in a relationship, it would take a while, we should both take our time, but we had both been hurt before and he thought we shared the same values and enjoyed the same things (he name dropped a few things he knew I liked and said he had observed these about me in the years we'd been working on this event together.) He basically described my ideal life to me, and said it was his too. That he knew we couldn't guarantee the future, but would I start getting to know him so that we could - if it worked out- possibly try and start building a life together? It felt like he had observed me from afar and plucked me out of obscurity as a "chosen" special person.
Honestly, after years of emotional pain, this was everything I wanted to hear. He then caveated it again by saying that he was divorced but still living in the marital home but had bought a house that he would be moving into in February, which would make us more free to be together and spend time together.
The first month was filled with a lot of talking from both sides, almost like counselling each other over our failed marriages and talking about our children and work and negotiating around our dreams and plans. Like where we wanted to live, what we wanted to do... We spent hours on the phone and tried to see each other whenever possible - in lunchbreaks, in evenings where we'd go for dinner. I was still very hesitant and not much physical was happening apart from kissing. He would text me good morning and tell me I was the first thing he thought about when he woke, and then also good night.
I am in a role in my company of being able to give him a lot of lucrative (for him) client introductions. This was also a partial- focus of our conversation at the beginning: he would suggest I intro'd him to A or B client. We used to laugh that he was "using" me "for sex and clients" because at the time it seemed so far from the truth. It became an in joke between us. He'd invested so much time and detailed interest in me personally over time, that I couldn't possibly believe this would be what he wanted, so I did recommend him and make a couple of intros for him to people who I believed would be very helpful to him. Another thing to note is that I earn more money than him. He is a small business owner partner to our company, and I work for an international corporate. This means I get paid more (quite a significant amount more) and have my own house and a lot of independent wealth (due to hard work.)
Our companies put on our annual event at the end of October/beginning of November in New York and we spent a week there together. Despite having two hotel rooms we shared the same hotel room for the week. While we were incredibly emotionally close, talking all night sometimes, and sleeping naked in each other's arms, the sex was surprisingly perfunctory on his side: more of a means to an end rather than the end itself (a bit like eating dinner because you need to fill your stomach, not because you want to savour the taste of something new and nice.) I remember it surprised me at the time, but there was so much emotional connection surrounding it that it didn't seem to matter. He didn't dwell on it or talk about it and if I started a conversation about sex he would clam up, tell me he had "issues" (referring to how awful his divorce had been/his ExW had lost interest in him and sex) and change the subject, simply saying he very much enjoyed it and loved being with me and we would work on it (ie him opening up sexually) as we spent more time together.
The next couple of weeks after this, we were both very busy with work, but I still expected the momentum of New York to hold. Not the frequency of being in each other's company, but I thought we had established a cadence of contact and knew each other better and had something to build on, I felt more sure we were compatible and we could start the relationship properly. Due to how busy we were, contact levels went down and I started to feel insecure. I expressed this to him and he said it was all fine, that we were getting to know each other, November was a particularly busy month for him, and everything would change when he moved into his new place in February. The next time we saw each other we went out for dinner and had the same perfunctory sex afterwards.
We exchanged messages where he said he would call and twice he did not call. I left it. Just to mention, I have never initiated contact with him, he has always contacted me and initiated meet ups and spending time together - and I have let this happen because he has the most challenging living situation around sharing the house with his ExW and contact with DC etc. I don't know if he resents always having to initiate.
When he got back in touch over whatsapp after a couple of days citing various domestic disasters/ DC issues, I told him that he was aware of my situation and how I'd been hurt by divorce, that I was feeling like his actions weren't matching his words and I needed some time to think and maybe it would be better if we revisit everything in February when he moves out and clears his own head. He fought this but we then had a two week period where I was getting my head together and unresponsive to him and he embarked on another campaign to "win" me back. His reasoning being that: he KNEW that November would be a terrible month in terms of DC/work and that he told me he would have very little time (much less than in the initial wooing period) and I had responded how he feared. That I needed to "think longterm, not short-term" about our relationship and imagine it as planning the second stage of our lives. He even enlisted the help of his colleague and my colleague (who did not know about our relationship until then) to get back in touch with me and convince me to give him another chance.
Given the public declaration and ceremony, I did give him another chance, and met up with him again for dinner on Thursday just gone. We had dinner and the same perfunctory sex and I have only had an emoji since then (a heart). Nothing in the last 48 hours. No more "morning" and "night" texts. When I spoke to him over dinner on Thursday evening, his main reasons why I should re-engage were:
- He wants a longterm partnership/relationship with me and I have to do my best to not be put off by the short term headwinds (in the form of his domestic situation and "general uselessness" - his words) and hold on until February.
- That he is not a very social person. That he doesn't like to see many people and keeps his circle close. That whenever he is not with me, he is just with his DC or close friends. He is not in any way "in the market" dating . The situation with me is unique because he saw a small chink of light where we were both single and he wanted to see if we could make something work
- That he is about to do a business deal that will make him "millions" of pounds and when that is over he will be more available
Reading this all back, it sounds ridiculous and very dodgy, but in person I'm sure you understand he appears extremely genuine and believeable. His job and company are legitimate and established, I have worked with them for years, I know his colleagues who vouch for him, he is a very public leader within the industry we both work in. There is a lot of info about him online.
I am feeling a sense of shame that I opened myself up like this after I had made my situation so clear and had spent two years refusing his advances. I don't understand why he doesn't feel this too? Isn't it embarrassing to go to all that trouble only to be perceived as not putting your money where your mouth is? I am finding it hard to believe he went to the extent of enlisting our colleagues (and therefore making our involvement public) to re-engage me into the relationship, but is still acting the same.
Why would anyone do this?
I'm trying to think back over red flags and there were many.
- he used to constantly repeat stories he'd already told me and we had already discussed, word for word. When I used to remind him we'd already had exactly the same conversation he used to blame it on tiredness and overwork. Occasionally he used to tell me stories I had previously told him, like an anecdote. Like he "knew someone who had X experience" when it was actually me who had, had the experience and had told him that
- after previously agreeing and arranging (childcare) to stay the night with him twice in hotels he had booked, during those evenings or when I arrived with my overnight bag he would say "what time do you have to leave this evening?" or "what time does your nanny have to go tonight?"
What is your diagnosis?