How to spot the jerks on OLD?

[confuseddotcom22]

So I'm a few months into OLD and it's one disaster after another.

The last one has hit me so hard. After just one month. He lives in Europe but comes to the UK 2-3 times a month. That sounded ideal to me. So we chatted online for 2.5 weeks. Intensly. He seems to good to be true. Then we met next time he was in the UK and after 5 minutes we were kissing like teenagers. For 3.5 hrs. We chatted a bit of course. But the chemistry online translated into something magic IRL. The communication lessened a bit but still sweet messages and quite a lot still. I was smitten. He works in a very demanding job bit still found time. The following week he was back and we met. From the moment we met in the pub to every escalator, the cinema (didn't watch much...), outside the cinema, on the tube etc - we held hands and were kissing non-stop. The following week he went on a work trip and I heard from him 3 times over one week and now it's the odd message only. He's not been back to the UK since (as far as I know). I don't get why he can't just say that he doesn't want more or something but to just slowly let go is so painful. He said work is busy but that's just an excuse. He's extremely handsome so I just assume someone else has got his attention but I have no idea where things went wrong and I can't stop thinking about it.

Any tricks and tips to spot these a-holes early and more importantly, how do I heal now?

We're in our mid or late 40s.

Well, don't meet someone who doesn't live locally or could be spinning you a complete line.

Why do you think someone who is living a double life and probably married/cheating was "ideal"?

Yeah double life vibes with bells on.

You've met the bloke twice and spent most of the time snogging. His wife has found his shag phone and now he's backed off. What is your dilemma?

You could try to be a bit nicer.

I did ask these questions to start with and I did look out for all signs. The amount of time we spent chatting during evenings and at weekends made me think he was telling the truth. The way he shows his face on the dating profile also made it seem okay.

But I forgot that this is Mumsnet where people have a need to make other people feel shit and make themselves feel a bit better in their miserable lives.

I prefer dating someone at the moment that leads a busy life as I live a busy life. And I like people with an international outlook.

It was my first thought. Don't think I never thought that.

Hey I am sorry the others are so rude and pointing to the Tindler Swindler. It could be that it could be something else. My main concern would be that going no contact is not a one off but perhaps a pattern. I wouldn’t like that. It would muddy my mind and the wonderful experience of being together. Anyone that muddies my mind would ultimately be wasting my time and life and I know that I would start to resent that about them and eventually eliminate them out for good. This here is confusing and you have to reflect if you like confusion or if you want to resolve it. It may be that you can not resolve it with him in which case you will then need to decide if that is good enough for you.

Well... you had fun for a very short time. Maybe enjoy it for what it was?

I know what you mean. I was in touch with someone on OLD for 36 hours, we chatted loads, I saw a few red flags and decided it wasn't for me, he reacted really angrily and we ended it... I felt like I'd been through an entire relationship in a day and a half!

I wouldn't say shut yourself off from experiences. You were quite careful - I'm sure he was hoping you'd shag him too. You can't regret not doing that! Make some more dates, doing things you want to do rather than just gazing into their eyes. Take them along with you rather than getting dragged into their drama.

Thank you @Junejolie 🙏 I do hear from him daily now he's back. But things have changed and I've come to the conclusion that maybe that's just his pattern but that I can't take it mentally.

Thank you for being so normal and understanding. I forget sometimes that MN is different from the real world. 🌷Your words make sense.

Why do you think a busy guy living in Europe is wanting to date someone living in the UK, where he only comes 2 or 3 times a month? What did you actually know about him? Workplace? Second name? Any validation of anything?

You said you were smitten after 2.5 weeks and 3 hours of actually meeting him and he was "too good to be true".

I think you were clear on the red flags and decided to ignore them because he was very good looking.

Thank you @PermanentTemporary . This all make sense. And yes, once I've licked my wounds, I'll definitely remember the fun parts.

It's so different OLD to how it used to be and I think I need to toughen up a bit. I'll be more prepared next time for sure.

Thank you once again. 🌷

He basically spend as much time here as elsewhere. I've had that life too and many of my friends. It's not unusual, you know.

He reminded me of some exes that I'm still close too (on a platonic level) - look and personality wise - hence I felt at home. Similar European culture, so it's easy to communicate.

He's good looking in a familiar way. And he's not an "out of my league" kind of of guy. But not the kind of guy I meet often here. Back home it's a different story.

There were red flags, I agree. But I have many decent friends who have similar careers and they're not bad people. I prefer to try to get to know a person and not judge too much in advance. But...

I prefer to try to get to know a person and not judge too much in advance.

That’s sort of how OLD works. Judging people beforehand is kind of the point.

I'd be a bit cynical that men coming over to work here briefly are just looking for a fling, however plenty of uk men are too except without all of the wooing and romance.
It is hard and you end up being more guarded with your emotions until they prove to be consistent.

Well that's not how I'll continue to use it. It's judgmental enough with so much focus on photos. But not everyone is photogenic or good at writing profiles so I'd be an idiot to discard ppl based on being too judgemental. I'm sorted in all other aspects of life so I can "afford" to get to know someone.

MN never stops surprising me.

Definitely double life! He will have got a wife and kids at home and just comes to the UK for work (or tells her that’s where he’s going)!

I get long distance relationships, I really do - if both parties are living in the same country but I don’t get all this flying out to another country to meet for dates (or whatever transport he’s using). Unless you are both wealthy/ financially well off I cannot see how it’s sustainable in any way to keep it up and constantly paying for travel tickets to see each other. It sounds to me like he’s just looking for a bit of fun on the side while he’s out of his own country. Have you searched him on social media? Googled him? If you haven’t it might be worth giving it a go to see what you can dig out about him.

Dont be fooled by the fact he is available to talk a lot in the evenings and he shows his pictures on dating sites, I know of someone who met a guy on OLD and put his real name and pictures on multiple dating sites and was also available to chat in the evenings etc. Turned out his wife works as a nurse and was working 12 hour night shifts/ weekends etc.

Just be extremely careful with who you get involved with on OLD because there are some seriously strange people out there including cheating married men who claim they’re single!

Yes, plenty of people have high flying international careers and they are good people, but he has made you unhappy in less than a month, so maybe he is not one of them.

You say you prefer not to judge people and get to know them, but then you claim to be smitten after a couple of weeks. When people can lie so easily online and especially with this international backstory, it is wise to be a little more guarded with your feelings until you have more solid information and time spent together.

Thank you @minticecreamisjustok 🙏

Considering his work is part-time here I didn't see anything different compared other men working in the city to be honest. I know how it is to date/live with someone with a busy career and that's not a problem. I have many things going on in my life so I don't want someone (at the moment) that wants to spend every day together.

It's the behaviour that upset me. Not where he lives.

It's exactly the prospect of being more guarded that worries me. But it might be a necessary evil?

@DropOfffArtiste Now this makes sense and this is where I've got to too. I was just not prepared for it, I guess. I do get smitten easily and it was never an issue before. But OLD is a different beast so I need to adjust accordingly.

Thank you.

To answer your actual question - how to spot jerks.
Fact find in initial conversations, place of employment, second name, find social media whatever you can get and google.
Google the phone number. Sometimes they use a work phone. I've found someone on companies house who was 17 years older than he claimed to be.
Reverse image search, see if they've used someone else's photos.

Take everything they tell you with a large pinch of salt. Some surveys suggest 70-80% tinder users are cheating for example.

Someone professes to be soulmates, professes undying love after a couple of dates, magical chemistry, take a breath. This could be love bombing nonsense designed to reel you in.

If their story doesn't make sense, it probably isn't true. Obviously if they ask you for money or something, immediate red flag.

You literally started this thread asking how to spot jerks on OLD. That is what you have explicitly requested.

Yet, you are ‘surprised’ when you are told to exercise your judgement a bit better, state you can ‘afford’ to get to know people, and think you’d ‘be an idiot to discard ppl based on being too judgemental’.

Cool. I have no idea what you were expecting people to say. Good luck with OLD.

A blokes once told me his actual real full name, I put into facebook and there he is with open profile, wife and kids and he'd just cropped the same photo for tinder.

So don't think that just because he uses his actual pictures he is not cheating. You shouldn't underestimate the audacity, arrogance or plain stupidity.

Thank you. I do all this already. 😊 Have reported quite a few accounts based I'm reverse image search actually.

And yes, I hope I'd be able to spot love bombing should it ever happen. 🙏

This is the tricky bit - everything he said in the beginning makes sense for that type or career and nothing he's said has contradicted itself. So either he's a very smooth operator or he's telling the truth. I don't know. And I don't want to wait to find out either.

@RishisProudMum Well, I've got confirmed that I need to be tougher but that I haven't necessarily done anything that wrong. I've had many dates (too many) and been able to spot the "not so good" ones. This time I didn't manage to.

Stupidity is something I think I'll see more of as long as I'm OLD. This puzzles me.

The career might be genuine, but he could still be looking for a girl in every port, no?

It also doesn't mean he isn't married somewhere?

100% this.

However, if I assume that someone with such a career is disingenuous just based on that, I might miss out on someone good? As I said, I would have to say that a majority if my friends are disingenuous people then.

But of course, I had those thoughts from the very start. And I tried to look for inconsistency and other issues in what he said and did. But nothing didn't add up.