Page 2 | How to spot the jerks on OLD?

confuseddotcom22 · 2022-12-08T19:16:53+00:00

So I'm a few months into OLD and it's one disaster after another. The last one has hit me so hard. After just one month. He lives in Europe but comes to the UK 2-3 times a month. That sounded ideal to me. So we chatted online for 2.5 weeks. Intensly. He seems to good to be true. Then we met next time he was in the UK and after 5 minutes we were kissing like teenagers. For 3.5 hrs. We chatted a bit of course. But the chemistry online translated into something magic IRL. The communication lessened a bit but still sweet messages and quite a lot still. I was smitten. He works in a very demanding job bit still found time. The following week he was back and we met. From the moment we met in the pub to every escalator, the cinema (didn't watch much...), outside the cinema, on the tube etc - we held hands and were kissing non-stop. The following week he went on a work trip and I heard from him 3 times over one week and now it's the odd message only. He's not been back to the UK since (as far as I know). I don't get why he can't just say that he doesn't want more or something but to just slowly let go is so painful. He said work is busy but that's just an excuse. He's extremely handsome so I just assume someone else has got his attention but I have no idea where things went wrong and I can't stop thinking about it. Any tricks and tips to spot these a-holes early and more importantly, how do I heal now? We're in our mid or late 40s.

DropOfffArtiste · 08/12/2022 20:48

Well, now something doesn't add up as he is inconsistent in contact and has left you feeling confused given how keen he was initially.

He might not be actively lying about anything, (although I wouldn't rule out cheating) but a bit of a player who likes the chase and reeling you in. All the more reason to not get smitten so quickly. Keep your wits about you. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is.

I do think people in these kind of industries with lots of travel and money do attract certain types (I work in one myself) and the number of men who have outright said or hinted to me that marriage vows don't apply when travelling is quite an eye opener.

Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 20:56

DropOfffArtiste · 08/12/2022 20:48

Well, now something doesn't add up as he is inconsistent in contact and has left you feeling confused given how keen he was initially.

He might not be actively lying about anything, (although I wouldn't rule out cheating) but a bit of a player who likes the chase and reeling you in. All the more reason to not get smitten so quickly. Keep your wits about you. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is.

I do think people in these kind of industries with lots of travel and money do attract certain types (I work in one myself) and the number of men who have outright said or hinted to me that marriage vows don't apply when travelling is quite an eye opener.

Absolutely that something doesn't add up now or that he's a player. I just wished that I'd learnt to spot it before. Well, never too late to learn, I guess.

I can imagine that certain industries attracts certain personalities. Saying that, I've met a number of tennis coaches looking for affairs so it's not just the money and travel that "inspire" affairs...

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DropOfffArtiste · 08/12/2022 21:06

Obviously anyone could have an affair, but circumstances and opportunity plus the reduced likelihood of getting caught make it an attractive prospect for some business travellers. Tinder does after all have a location setting so you can search elsewhere and not everyone is looking for a tourist guide!

Pugsbladder · 08/12/2022 21:08

The kissing for 3.5 hrs sounds great! I met someone like that. An insane physical attraction & it's hard to forget. Two years later I smile about it and think "Damn that was hot. You go girl.!" So many unattractive men on old both looks & behaviour wise I try to see it as a lucky fluke! Take care of yourself:)

Junejolie · 08/12/2022 21:43

@confuseddotcom22 Yes I knew a man like you his once. I mean there was nothing bad about him but I left it for a few weeks which was hard and in that time he did not contact me and it made me realise I didn’t need it, when he did contact we went out but it was like cold water had been poured all over it. I was not confusing poor communication skills for the butterflies. And with poor communication skills there wasn’t much to go on. I could not see a future with him and have no regrets. We still saw each other professionally now and then and believe me the spark had gone, there was nothing in him that he could offer me, nothing I truly wanted. And I love having no ambiguity in my current relationship.

Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 21:49

Pugsbladder · 08/12/2022 21:08

The kissing for 3.5 hrs sounds great! I met someone like that. An insane physical attraction & it's hard to forget. Two years later I smile about it and think "Damn that was hot. You go girl.!" So many unattractive men on old both looks & behaviour wise I try to see it as a lucky fluke! Take care of yourself:)

@Pugsbladder Thank you. I think that's what I want to keep and the following time we met. It was amazing to feel that attraction and to feel that attractive. 😊 And he still sends a message or two a day but I'll just move on now. It was just the sudden shift that caught me.

@Junejolie Thanks for sharing your story. Regardless of what ppl are saying I'm not 100% convinced that there's something sinister behind this but I can't cope with such behaviour. I'd say he is single and this is the reason why he is that.

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littleburn · 08/12/2022 22:13

I'm curious as to what you wanted from this relationship OP and how you would have liked to see it develop.

I ask because I've been in a similar position where I was seeing someone just a few times a month because of distance and our work. At first I thought it was great to meet someone on the same page as me, who 'got' that I wasn't going to be available 24/7. But what I found was that whilst for me it was a long distance but potentially serious relationship, for him the long distance and intermittentness of it automatically put it in the casual box. I don't believe he was seeing anyone else and he certainly didn't have a wife hidden away, but from his perspective, no matter how crazy the chemistry, it was never going to be anymore than what it was, if that makes sense. So he was happy to turn up and have some fun times, for example, but wasn't going to stay in contact like a boyfriend would.

Nolosomi · 08/12/2022 22:28

My lightbulb moment after meeting many duds/players/flakes in OLD was to assume every man I matched with or met was a twat until he proved otherwise. To not invest anything emotionally for as long as possible, to invest minimal mental time and minimal effort apart from actual dates. It’s was hard because I wanted the magical falling in love & excitement, but I found that the early feeling of ‘excitement’ and butterflies was often anxiety at waiting for messages etc or chasing someone who was a commitment phobe for example.

I have now met someone nice but it took me around 9 months to fully trust him & believe he was genuine (and not a twat).

You have to protect yourself and your emotions and that means not giving a shit about them until they prove they are worth giving a shit about. You are not thick skinned enough yet and are fresh prey for all the players, they can spot newbies a mile off!

I had over 20 men on my ‘twat list’ before I found someone nice! And yes, do deep research into the person. Companies House is good. Like another poster, I dated someone for a while before discovering on there that they were 10 years older than they said!

Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 22:30

littleburn · 08/12/2022 22:13

I'm curious as to what you wanted from this relationship OP and how you would have liked to see it develop.

I ask because I've been in a similar position where I was seeing someone just a few times a month because of distance and our work. At first I thought it was great to meet someone on the same page as me, who 'got' that I wasn't going to be available 24/7. But what I found was that whilst for me it was a long distance but potentially serious relationship, for him the long distance and intermittentness of it automatically put it in the casual box. I don't believe he was seeing anyone else and he certainly didn't have a wife hidden away, but from his perspective, no matter how crazy the chemistry, it was never going to be anymore than what it was, if that makes sense. So he was happy to turn up and have some fun times, for example, but wasn't going to stay in contact like a boyfriend would.

@littleburn I'm so sorry to hear. Well, I would have wanted to keep seeing him and see if anything could develop I guess. No labels per se but agreeing that that was the case and not seeing others in the meantime. Because that's certainly how he talked first. I reckon I'd ended up in your position. Thanks for sharing even if I'm sorry to hear this at the same time.

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OldFan · 08/12/2022 22:32

If you offer it on a plate a lot of men will just take it, think 'that was a bonus,' then go on to the next.

UglyNameChange · 08/12/2022 22:35

Are you mentally stable?
Like, not to be rude, but being in your 40’s and just doing (barely) anything else than kissing in public places of all places, doesn’t sound like sensible person…

DropOfffArtiste · 08/12/2022 22:41

If you go for "no labels" situationship that is very unlikely to be or remain an exclusive relationship.

RishisProudMum · 08/12/2022 22:47

UglyNameChange · 08/12/2022 22:35

Are you mentally stable?
Like, not to be rude, but being in your 40’s and just doing (barely) anything else than kissing in public places of all places, doesn’t sound like sensible person…

This is mean, but did make me laugh. 😂

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/12/2022 22:53

Oh op 😊
I’m sorry you feel shit

but you can meet people with an international outlook in the UK too
trust me I have 😏

it’s really hard and we’ve all been there
I got totally obsessed with a a guy I met online for 6 months
he was overseas
never met him !
i cried when we ‘split up ‘

but learn and get back on the horse 🐎

sounds like chemistry was hot 🥵 and that’s a positive

now try and find that with someone here who you can suss out ?

Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 23:20

UglyNameChange · 08/12/2022 22:35

Are you mentally stable?
Like, not to be rude, but being in your 40’s and just doing (barely) anything else than kissing in public places of all places, doesn’t sound like sensible person…

Haha, yes I'm mentally stable. Don't you worry. But I've never followed the norm and never will I do. It was just nice to meet someone my age that's also sporty and outdoorsy, well-travelled and tall etc and that I had great banter with. So I got hooked. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I'm not really interested in going for fancy dinners etc. I've done that enough. I'm looking for chemistry. And we had plenty of that.

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Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 23:21

DropOfffArtiste · 08/12/2022 22:41

If you go for "no labels" situationship that is very unlikely to be or remain an exclusive relationship.

Well, I don't think we ever got to the stage of discussing that. It's not something I think can be discussed immediately 😊

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Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 23:24

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/12/2022 22:53

Oh op 😊
I’m sorry you feel shit

but you can meet people with an international outlook in the UK too
trust me I have 😏

it’s really hard and we’ve all been there
I got totally obsessed with a a guy I met online for 6 months
he was overseas
never met him !
i cried when we ‘split up ‘

but learn and get back on the horse 🐎

sounds like chemistry was hot 🥵 and that’s a positive

now try and find that with someone here who you can suss out ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated Thank you for telling your story. 🙏 And yes, that is exactly my plan. It has confirmed what I really want and that's a good thing. It's just the heart ache I could have done without.

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Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 08/12/2022 23:38

To clarify things - I'm not actually against things being casual per se. But I'm against dishonesty. I've had "flings" where things have been clear from the start - those were great! It's meeting a disingenuous player that gets me.

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emilydickinsonscat · 09/12/2022 00:48

I think you fell if the potential of it all and the romance.

But he sounds like he's a fuck boi (I know you didn't shag) and he's bored now and on to the next.

There's a million like him OLD (ok maybe minus the good job, sophistication and model looks! ) but the game playing is very every day.

SarahDippity · 09/12/2022 01:09

I’d a very successful relationship with OLD which was instant attraction and spending a huge amount of available time together. He was an open book, made loads of time for me, I stayed with him every free minute of my weekends ‘off’, he introduced me to his daughter and his best friend, we took trips together. He suddenly ended it after 12 weeks - work, we were on a different track, needed to reset his expectations, etc. I felt horribly let down. He had just changed his mind about me.

why was it successful? Well, I had the best sex ever, and had for a time a loved-up setup which was gorgeous. He had a series of broken relationships behind him, an absent father he could never please, and was himself an absent father with two daughters in different countries (with whom he had a good adult relationship but had not been there in their younger years). He I believe was incapable of staying with someone. I think he wanted stability, but a few months of it and he was ‘yeah, not for me.’

it was a dreadfully sad ending for me but after a very long period of reflection I see it now for what it was. I’m actually grateful that I learned a lot about myself and what was possible as regards love and companionship and sex.

Now I am wiser and I know that people in their 40s or more have track records, and these tell you a lot about the person. While I don’t quiz people about their past, I observe them with greater acuity, and I look out for different red flags. It isn’t always secret phones or double lives, but I look closely at their relationships with family, friends and colleagues, how they spend their free time, their value systems, and how they talk about the future.

HappyAxolotl · 09/12/2022 02:31

Take things slowly and casually. Assume that most online daters are also dating multiple people, it's not a serious and monogamous relationship until you have both agreed it is. It's not uncommon to have a few great dates and then a slow fade out in the OLD world.

And keep your wits about you. Your dates are complete strangers and could easily be telling lies. Look out for any red flags, things that don't add up or make you feel uneasy.

Think of this guy as a few weeks of fun, ships passing in the night.

Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 09/12/2022 08:05

emilydickinsonscat · 09/12/2022 00:48

I think you fell if the potential of it all and the romance.

But he sounds like he's a fuck boi (I know you didn't shag) and he's bored now and on to the next.

There's a million like him OLD (ok maybe minus the good job, sophistication and model looks! ) but the game playing is very every day.

I know you're right. I was just to naive to think that smart adults did this. 🙈

OP posts:

Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 09/12/2022 08:09

SarahDippity · 09/12/2022 01:09

I’d a very successful relationship with OLD which was instant attraction and spending a huge amount of available time together. He was an open book, made loads of time for me, I stayed with him every free minute of my weekends ‘off’, he introduced me to his daughter and his best friend, we took trips together. He suddenly ended it after 12 weeks - work, we were on a different track, needed to reset his expectations, etc. I felt horribly let down. He had just changed his mind about me.

why was it successful? Well, I had the best sex ever, and had for a time a loved-up setup which was gorgeous. He had a series of broken relationships behind him, an absent father he could never please, and was himself an absent father with two daughters in different countries (with whom he had a good adult relationship but had not been there in their younger years). He I believe was incapable of staying with someone. I think he wanted stability, but a few months of it and he was ‘yeah, not for me.’

it was a dreadfully sad ending for me but after a very long period of reflection I see it now for what it was. I’m actually grateful that I learned a lot about myself and what was possible as regards love and companionship and sex.

Now I am wiser and I know that people in their 40s or more have track records, and these tell you a lot about the person. While I don’t quiz people about their past, I observe them with greater acuity, and I look out for different red flags. It isn’t always secret phones or double lives, but I look closely at their relationships with family, friends and colleagues, how they spend their free time, their value systems, and how they talk about the future.

Thanks for telling your story.

There are some things in his past that made me think that he's "damaged" and I've realised that the older we get, the more "damaged goods" there are, out there. I guess I'm one of them in all honesty. 🤷🏽‍♀️

From what I saw, I couldn't see much difference in how we spent our free time but, hey it doesn't really matter now.

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Original poster

confuseddotcom22 · 09/12/2022 08:15

HappyAxolotl · 09/12/2022 02:31

Take things slowly and casually. Assume that most online daters are also dating multiple people, it's not a serious and monogamous relationship until you have both agreed it is. It's not uncommon to have a few great dates and then a slow fade out in the OLD world.

And keep your wits about you. Your dates are complete strangers and could easily be telling lies. Look out for any red flags, things that don't add up or make you feel uneasy.

Think of this guy as a few weeks of fun, ships passing in the night.

In all honesty, I am multi dating but had hoped to be able to drop that... I wasn't the one asking about these things. I kept lots of things close to my chest and revealed very little about myself in a way to "practically" guard myself. I just forgot to guard myself emotionally.

I've had several dates with a few good dates and then nothing more and that's been okay. I just think I thought that this had potential. This was totally different to me for some reason. The chemistry was unreal.

It's how to protect myself emotionally that I need to learn. I know I'll be fine in the end. Thanks!

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emilydickinsonscat · 09/12/2022 11:27

I think its easy to assume chemistry means connection, but it really doesn't.