How to spot the jerks on OLD?

[confuseddotcom22]

So I'm a few months into OLD and it's one disaster after another.

The last one has hit me so hard. After just one month. He lives in Europe but comes to the UK 2-3 times a month. That sounded ideal to me. So we chatted online for 2.5 weeks. Intensly. He seems to good to be true. Then we met next time he was in the UK and after 5 minutes we were kissing like teenagers. For 3.5 hrs. We chatted a bit of course. But the chemistry online translated into something magic IRL. The communication lessened a bit but still sweet messages and quite a lot still. I was smitten. He works in a very demanding job bit still found time. The following week he was back and we met. From the moment we met in the pub to every escalator, the cinema (didn't watch much...), outside the cinema, on the tube etc - we held hands and were kissing non-stop. The following week he went on a work trip and I heard from him 3 times over one week and now it's the odd message only. He's not been back to the UK since (as far as I know). I don't get why he can't just say that he doesn't want more or something but to just slowly let go is so painful. He said work is busy but that's just an excuse. He's extremely handsome so I just assume someone else has got his attention but I have no idea where things went wrong and I can't stop thinking about it.

Any tricks and tips to spot these a-holes early and more importantly, how do I heal now?

We're in our mid or late 40s.

I think the key to meeting someone sane and sensible and available is to go for "normal". Someone who lives reasonably close by, isn't trying to be all mysterious and weird (especially about their jobs, ignore the nuts who imply they are special forces / millionares etc, they usually work in perfectly normal jobs), dont go for anyone who works away, it usually means married.

Running around London snogging for hours seems a bit juvenile, it was never going to have legs in it.

Juvenile is good. One reason I left my previous relationship is that I am not conformist and that I want to live life, not just survive it. And people (professionally successful) reach out to me to learn from me. So I don't mind being "juvenile". My friends (career people) met when they were 13 and still snog when out and about. It does exist. I don't want to settle for less.

The issues is, I know I don't fit the stereotype and after trying to be that for almost 20 years I can't do that again. I'd rather be alone than going for "normal". Sane yes, normal no.

I agree. I've had great chemistry with a couple of dates before. This was something else. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Or so I thought. It wasn't just lust.

@confuseddotcom22 - you sound like me, have you got ADHD per chance?

I prefer dating someone at the moment that leads a busy life as I live a busy life.

Do you though ? Or do you like the idea of someone busy, but really you want someone who can fit in around your busy life. He's not messaged you as often as you like, but could that not be because he is , you know, busy.

As long as there is communication, I don't mind. He could be busy. But then the communication style doesn't match. I just have to move on.

I'm not sure which stereotypes you are trying to avoid and what you view as conformist, but middle-aged woman get her heartbroken over a fling with a bloke from abroad is certainly a stereotype for a reason.

If you believe that snogging strangers is living life on the edge and you enjoy it, knock yourself out but I guess you have to learn to take the rough with the smooth .

Kind MN, but just like in real life, I guess. I don't think it's "living life on the edge". People who know me would understand as I am a full believer of embracing life.

I am from abroad. I connect better with men from a similar Northern European culture. Long distance relationships are neither new nor strange to me. Not at this age when finances are good.

Honestly, I would assume that someone who 'works 2-3 times a month in UK' is looking for quick flings and might have a more permanent partner in their home land. So I'd avoid people who aren't available.

Also I would never snog someone wihtin five minutes of meeting. It's not fair and it's old-fashioned to say so, but loads of men lose respect for women who are that easy to woo. It's as if they think you'd be like that with any man, Men like to feel they have found a woman who is hard to get. I'm not saying this is right, or universal but it is true and pretty common.

Get over it byu reminding yourself that he hasn;t broken your heart - you have. Take responsibility for how you treat yourswelf in relationships. Take it slowly and work out what you want and what you can handle. If someone is gorgous and you are happy with a ONS then a snog within 5 mins is fine. But if you want more, hold back and get to know the man first.

I'm not disagreeing with you. I just thought we had covered all of this at the very start. And after constant contact for ~20 days, it didn't feel awkward to kiss. I don't play games like that.

But I do need to learn how to protect myself emotionally.

If you didn't have sex, could that be a factor why he cooled off?

I have no idea where things went wrong and I can't stop thinking about it.

You spent all the short amount of time you actually had together kissing like teenagers. That was your clue. He had no interest in getting to know who you are, sharing experiences together & getting mutual feedback from that, finding out your interests & what you like ...

It's a red flag you'll know to walk away from next time.

Why is somebody living on a different continent 'ideal' for you btw?

You need a thick skin & a cast iron Shark Cage to survive ONS OP.
Don't invest so quickly & so hard. You spoke about the "chemistry" you had before you even met - not possible. You don't know someone from chatting online, you have no idea what lines they are spinning or games they are playing.

Here's the Shark Cage - vital reading for anyone doing ONS -
www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

'Intensity' is never a good thing in dating. If early communication is 'intense' it's a massive red flag with bells on. Healthy relationships and feelings grow organically over time. 'Intense' is for flings. Or horror stories.

Read up on love bombing.

Also be aware that narcissists are big on Intensity, they may look at you as if you are the most wondrous thing they've ever seen. We mistake it for love. Actually, it's them sizing you up for their lunch. They are fixated you in that moment because they are sharks, and you are the chum in the water.

Whilst remotely, we had covered off a lot of these things. I obviously don't know if any of it is true - but we did share what we like doing, travels, family set ups, food likes etc. And we did talk.

I felt I "knew" him as much as I could.

It's weird to say, but I get put in positions workwise because of my ability to read and get on with people. Obviously didn't help me here!

But I've never followed the norm and never will I do

But going on dates and kissing is ~the norm~.
there is no uncontinal about this/you.

(Not the point, but I’m confused)

*unconventional

Yeah, he might be a narcissist. How do you distinguish this from someone actually liking you?

My best relationships have been lots of chemistry from the start. The longest has been something that grew on me, but always with the feeling of something missing. I'm not sure what's right any longer.

But the need of a thick skin - for sure!

Well that was the response to a comment that has fixed ideas on how things are and are not. The exact judgemental environment I'm trying to get away from.

OK so for me a good way to spot narcissistic sorts in your scenario would be if, before even meeting you, he was talking to you for ages every day. If for example, you'd already chatted that day and then later on he is messaging you again. Basically as if he wanted you to be constantly thinking about him and paying him attention.

If you find yourself thinking 'he must really like ne because he keeps wanting to chat for hours every day' I guarantee you it's more likely that he infact, needs you to like him. For his ego. For attention.

When online dating my rule of thumb is have maybe 2 or 3 conversations over a week and then meet for coffee as soon as possible. Do not get invested in someone that keeps you glued to your computer 24/7. Especially before you've even met them.

Of course with this one being oversees it took a little longer for him to meet you so there had so arguably be a few more conversations. But just be wary of anyone who wants too much of your time. Normal people respect that you have a life outwith your computer. Outwith them.

That and just general reading, throughout life, will help you spot narcissists early.

As for 'the look' that one we feel as chemistry (for the ones who do that) .think on it like this, even when we have chemistry with someone, we don't tend to fixate on their face, right? We blink, we look away, we dial down the intensity as we don't want to be intimidating. So if someone really fancies you, they're still probably going to respect your space. Looking intensly at someone doesn't do that. It's preditorial behaviour. Because that's what they are, predators.

So basically, say you see a guy staring at you across a crowded bar and he holds your gaze when you look, there's something 'off' about him. Don't be flattered.

Normal people look, catch your eye maybe, then look away. Maybe look back again a little later and repeat. Thry don't stare at you. Because it would be intimidating and creepy.

Now if this behaviour happens ON a date, sometimes we miss it as we really fancy the person. We think its chemistry. It's thrilling. But it's actually too intense to be normal. Especially one date in!

@Pinkbonbon What you write makes sense however hard it is to admit. Saying that, my ex (we were together for 17 years) used to look at me that way from day one and I do believe that was genuine.

I think I can deal with most of this except for the sudden change without explanation. I'll laugh about it later but I've always had a conversation with people when I feel things have changed. It doesn't take much and it's just being decent.

@Pinkbonbon The constant chatting was as we were (if he was telling the truth) on calls most of the time). When not on calls, no contact until the evening. But yeah, I get what you're saying.

Yeah, he might be a narcissist. How do you distinguish this from someone actually liking you?

Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube.
She has a plethora of advice about spotting, handling, or better - avoiding narcs.

But don't get hung up on a label.
It genuinely doesn't matter if he's a narc or not - all that matters is that you spot the potential for one (ie red flags) & get the hell outta Dodge.

See Shark Cage metaphor - above.

OP, I think it's revealing that you took the online chat at face value and thought that was your intimacy developing. But maybe next time make sure you have an equivalent length of time face to face, to see what the chemistry is like - not just the desire but the ease and naturalness together.

I don't think I took it as intimacy. I was very apprehensive before meeting as I know that taking things to IRL is a totally different ball game. But we clicked to my surprise whatever that was and it wasn't like previous times when there's been attraction, but definitely more lust. It just felt very natural.

But obviously something went wrong at some point. It's the lack of decency that hurts.