Help me understand OW's motivation

[wordleaddict]

A brief explanation, Sorry it is long. DP of 33 years, 2 teenage DC, is pushing 70. Looks a little younger than his age, but pretty jowly. Is an artist, musician, not very successful but comes across as bold, passionate, energetic. So about a year ago I linked him up with someone I had known for 2 years because she could help him with some printing up of artwork. She was then 27. After a few weeks, it turns out she tells him she has the hots for him. He tells me because he was so surprised. I think wtf but assume it is an aberration, the end of it. But I spy on his emails, because I am mistrustful and I see him online a lot. Yes, bad I know. They meet up a bit to play music, usually with others, so I start going along. They exchange a lot of pornographic drawings by email and he idealises her in poems and she writes saucy language about him opening her up in mind and body. Yuck. I eventually come clean about spying, go mad, tell others in the group what has been happening etc.Ban him from seeing her. He complies after a lot of arguing and him being nasty and talking about opening up our relationship and me saying no way. It has been a shitty year since with him drinking more and more and me getting paranoid and upset. I won't go into how crap I feel and how broken, because he said things to her about me that are wounding. I just want insight into her. Now 28, I suppose. Occasionally she has sent a letter, which on one occasion he showed me, because he couldn't work out who had sent it. It was all punning language about hearing him on radio and feeling held in his hands, blah blah. We saw her at an event last week. Today she sends an email saying she must see him and she will knock at door at 1pm. He tells her no and she stays away. What is this about? Is he really a catch for a young woman? Is she trying to destroy me, for fun, as she is well aware how shattered I have been through all this? Any insights?

Sorry you're going through this nut no-one on here is going to be able to answer that for you.

The answer is simple: whatever feelings she has or thinks she has for your partner outweigh any concern she has for you or your wellbeing.

She may not be that in to your P but have a terrible moral compass and also not give a shit how it affects you. She may be a usually lovely person who is wracked with guilt over what this has done to you but he infatuated with him. It's jist simple maths.

I would guess that for whatever reason she really is attracted to him and hasn’t got any morals to respect you, rather than trying to hurt you in particular . It sounds a horrible situation to still be with him? I would talk to him about how to get past this and indeed whether you want to as this sounds very unhealthy for your self worth and not tolerable as a way to treat you .

I doubt it has anything to do with you. None of us can tell you why she finds your partner attractive, though.

She is almost certainly a pretty damaged individual. She will make your jowly partner feel good about himself and probably has the contempt of a twenty-something towards middle-aged women. I don’t think the inside of her head is a very nice place to be.

I genuinely find this kind of age difference baffling. He could literally be her grandfather.

She could feel connected to him and have fallen in love regardless. Love is blind and all that?

In my (admittedly limited) experience women who pursue men significantly older than themselves have been damaged.

It might be a good idea what's happening in your head rather than what's happening in hers. Why do you care about the inner workings of her mind? Why are you focusing on her? Your life is about you.

You can't comprehend her needs or how she got to what sounds like a pretty dark place, but you can sure as hell assume that she is vulnerable and your partner knows it.

I'm sure he would argue this to the ends of the earth, but if he is trying to get you to open your relationship so he can take advantage of a young woman's vulnerability, he is icky, not attractive.

Some women always like to compete with other women and see the validation of a man as some incredible prize.
Sadly it teaches the man that he is is worth two women

Some people will attempt to say what’s in her head but none of us can. None of us know her. Not even you know her, really.

But your pain is coming across, clarion clear. I’m so sorry - this is a horrible situation. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do, communicating with your DP to work out what it is you both want from your relationship and how/whether those things can align.

It’s been a tough year, though. A tough few years, on the bounce, really. I think a lot of us are feeling worn thin and that is having a big effect on our interpersonal relationships. Forget this ego-stroking OW and refocus on you two and see where it goes from there.

Limerance?

Sorry, limerence

As pps said it's all guesswork but I'd imagine OW is genuinely starstruck, infatuated, wide-eyed and just not interested in what she is doing to you.

Again echoing pps, your pain is very evident and you need to focus on how to heal and move on, without without dp. Forget what's going on inside her head, that is the least of your problems. All the best.

Is he rich ? I can't think of any other reason a woman would to fuck a man old enough to be her grandfather. If he is rich and she can snare him marriage , he might not live for a very long time..

A young women using her youth to ensnare an older man for financial gain.

I wonder if it's a combination of finding him attractive - he's clearly quite charismatic from your description - and perhaps the illicit nature (his marriage, the age gap), she's clearly a creative person, maybe she immerses herself deeply in her feelings and she is maybe struggling to disentangle. I'd say chances are it's nothing to do with you or wanting to hurt you. Hopefully she'll move on soon, but your husband should have been firing off the warning shots from the start. Your issue begins and ends with him, I think. He gave her permission for her feelings and alluded to his own. He made this mess.

I guess he is at that age where he doesn’t get any female attention at all. He is invisible to everyone but his family and friends, then this young woman comes along and has taken an interest in him. If he’s arty and creative, that’s probably the attraction rather than his looks. She may find him interesting and it’s his personality she’s attracted to. Unfortunately women who pursue men who are already married or in a relationship have a zero moral compass, and will never see the hurt they cause to others as they’re self absorbed and oblivious to anything other than their own wants and needs. It has to be your DH who cuts off the contact, but it’s going to be hard as it seems he is enjoying his ego being stroked.

I genuinely believe (and acknowledge that I come from a place of bias) that women who identify a married man as their romantic partner are in some way missing a moral compass in their makeup. Maybe they have no family, parents passed away, no siblings/estrangement, few friends, are bored, feel a sense of emptiness in their lives, and form all-consuming attachments despite the fact that the person is ‘unavailable.’

The real problem is the man who doesn’t shut the marital window firmly down on her fingers and entertains the notion. Lundy Bancroft writes very well about this.

the ‘old goat’ narrative comes into play when the man is flattered by the attention, and really there is no talking to him then. He’s already opened the window and had one creaky hip half out already.

I don't think she cares or thinks about you.

I bet she was the type of teenager who was obsessed with a specific band.

It sounds like an infatuation. Letters and poems, loving his music and hearing it on the radio. It's fanmail, hour old husband has a groupie.

She's likely not very emotionally mature and also probably doesn't connect well with her peers. People like this get weird lonely and marginalised and end up clinging to bizarre fantasies.

I feel sorry for her, her actions aren't normal.

You should ignore and possibly pity her. Hopefully she will move on ti somebody who reciprocates her feelings.

Your *

I think for some people the food is always sweeter on someone else's plate. There's the thrill of winning him, of knowing you're worthier because you're young and hot and she's old with a body wrecked by his kids, that she can make him feel young and vibrant again, a touch of Daddy issues. From an attraction perspective I think women are won over more by confidence, charisma etc than looks, he probably talks to her I na way lads in their 20s don't. And you don't figure. You're just someone who'll be there afterwards to wash him pants and cook his dinner so she doesn't have to worry about all of that.

Do you still want him, this alcoholic, creepy old betrayer?

I agree the young woman is probably damaged and needy and has a broken relationship with her father. She doesn’t care if it hurts you because she’s in the grip of her own needs and drama. It’s deeply immature behaviour. And is really of no interest to you. All you should get really interested in is what you want to do next to protect your heart and self respect and future.

I used to know someone like this all through her twenties she would be involved with various band members then in their forties and married. Even now at 35 she is with a 62 year old and yes, he’s a country singer. It’s deffo a pattern, she’s obbsessed with creative “deep” thinkers

She has Daddy/Grandaddy issues or is looking for a sugar daddy.