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Original poster

Help me understand OW's motivation

112 replies

wordleaddict · 04/12/2022 22:47

A brief explanation, Sorry it is long. DP of 33 years, 2 teenage DC, is pushing 70. Looks a little younger than his age, but pretty jowly. Is an artist, musician, not very successful but comes across as bold, passionate, energetic. So about a year ago I linked him up with someone I had known for 2 years because she could help him with some printing up of artwork. She was then 27. After a few weeks, it turns out she tells him she has the hots for him. He tells me because he was so surprised. I think wtf but assume it is an aberration, the end of it. But I spy on his emails, because I am mistrustful and I see him online a lot. Yes, bad I know. They meet up a bit to play music, usually with others, so I start going along. They exchange a lot of pornographic drawings by email and he idealises her in poems and she writes saucy language about him opening her up in mind and body. Yuck. I eventually come clean about spying, go mad, tell others in the group what has been happening etc.Ban him from seeing her. He complies after a lot of arguing and him being nasty and talking about opening up our relationship and me saying no way. It has been a shitty year since with him drinking more and more and me getting paranoid and upset. I won't go into how crap I feel and how broken, because he said things to her about me that are wounding. I just want insight into her. Now 28, I suppose. Occasionally she has sent a letter, which on one occasion he showed me, because he couldn't work out who had sent it. It was all punning language about hearing him on radio and feeling held in his hands, blah blah. We saw her at an event last week. Today she sends an email saying she must see him and she will knock at door at 1pm. He tells her no and she stays away. What is this about? Is he really a catch for a young woman? Is she trying to destroy me, for fun, as she is well aware how shattered I have been through all this? Any insights?

OP posts:
Aikko · 05/12/2022 08:47

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2022 08:31

She’s not really the problem here; she’s a symptom but not the underlying cause- your dp is the problem for flirting with and entertaining this idea with this much younger woman. If it wasn’t her then someone else could come along, could still come along at any time now and he’s probably going to do the exact same thing. He’s the problem

This.

All the talk of him wanting to 'open up the relationship',.... she has seduced him, he's loved having his ego stroked by a younger woman and is now lost so far down the rabbit hole - there is no return from this. He has lost his mind to her.

Original poster
wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 10:51

yes, I know he is the problem - and I know this came on the back of 2 rather miserable years, compounded by COVID. and being under each others toes all the time. Oh life is shit.

OP posts:
TabithaTittlemouse · 05/12/2022 11:01

Neither of them sound very grown up, they have decided that they are each others muses.
Love struck teenagers who have forgotten the reality of who they really are and swapped it for a creative play.
She heard him on the radio? Maybe she wants fame?

I would leave them to it.

7ftChristmasTree · 05/12/2022 12:04

Daddy issues through and through @wordleaddict
I had the misfortune to witness similar with DH and a younger woman. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I found out that her father had regularly cheated on her mother, and had left the family home for another woman only to return again later on several occasions. The poor woman obviously craved some sort of stability in her life, with a loving father who didn't abandon her every so often.
Of course, the man who is on the receiving end of a woman with daddy issues won't really be that open to this sort of explanation. The delight of having a much younger woman pay so much attention to them trumps rational thought. Unfortunately, for all concerned.

Opentooffers · 05/12/2022 12:09

Realistically, its doubtful this would of gone beyond fantasy, the gap is that big that the fantasy would of been destroyed by it. I'm sure he was seriously flattered, and after years of being the main carer for the DC, and 2 years of a rough patch between you, he was vulnerable.
You seem to know about all the communication she has tried to have with him since, so it's good that he's sharing that with you. It's concerning though that he has upped his drinking, especially at his age when the body can't cope with the toxic effect as well as when younger.
Perhaps if you can see this as a springboard to more open communication between you, things could improve. Not necessarily focusing at what happened but looking at how things between you could be improved. If he's drinking more, he's burying things and it's a crutch rather than dealing with things. Maybe start by talking about the difficulties in the 2 years leading up to it. It may also help to intersperse that with reminiscences over the fun times you've had, as constant focus on negativity can grind anyone down after a while.
As far as OW goes, she's coming across as someone who lacks emotional maturity, perhaps an absent father in her childhood makes her crave the attentions of an older man. She clearly has her own problems along with a dose of tunnel vision, so she is not seeing beyond her own wants and probably doesn't consider what she has done to you at all.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 05/12/2022 12:55

I would ask for space and boot him out for a period (I would say for good but it is clear that you want to keep him) and let him feel the chill wind out there. She has a partner so is less likely to leave and move in with your old man. He may miss your regular salary and warm home. He sounds like a bit of a cunt. You deserve much better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/12/2022 12:56

MorrisZapp · 05/12/2022 07:56

So much misogyny on this thread. The woman is discussed in the most vile, sexualised and demeaning language and the actual cheater is a 'silly old goat'.

Nothing changes does it. Men can trash their family lives, lie to the faces of the people who they are supposed to love the most, and get society's eyerolls. Women (presumably unattached themselves, I don't think the OP said) who are the focus of these cheaters get psychoanalysed, ripped apart and referred to in the most degrading terms available.

None of us know why she's done this but the 'occams razor' approach would suggest that she fancies your charismatic husband and doesn't consider you anything to do with her.

The answer to it all is living in your house.

Agreeing as always with MorrisZapp. This thread makes me feel queasy with the usual dismissive pat-on-the-head for the perpetrator of OP's misery - and the bile that is always heaped on the woman. Always the woman.

No wonder there are so many married/attached men out there who think they can behave like this. Their women, like those on this thread, say they can. Ugh.

Pack it in with the moral compass comments levied at her - where the hell was/is his moral compass or code for the person he's supposed to love?

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 05/12/2022 13:03

There's no fool like an old fool.

He has treated you appallingly, why aren't you getting rid of the old idiot? Is this what you want for your retirement? Wondering what jowly chops is up to with his dick? Fuck that, and fuck him. You are worth so much more. Know your worth. 33 years invested. How very dare he? Don't give him another 33 minutes.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 05/12/2022 13:18

wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 08:29

Thanks everyone. Am digesting your thoughts, which are painful, realistic, challenging. Just to answer on one thing. I am 8 years younger, was over 40 when I had DC, after 10 years with DP. I know that he is the problem and things got close to me throwing him out. I am actually the one who has the proper job and he has been more if the homemaker. I suppose the purpose of post was just to try to understand her, but it is true, I can't, you can't help me. Sone if the things said are plausible though deep thinker, creativity, deeper than men in her peer group, desire to be a muse. She said in one of her emails to him that she had never felt able to say all sorts of internal and erotic things to anyone before him. Whether she is damaged I wonder. Vulnerable? She's a middle class hippie with her own little community arts business, and a live in partner. I don't know.

Whilst I know why people say your DH is the problem, and not her, I would find it impossible not to feel territorial. She's entering your space and trampling all over you. Me? I would be arriving at her house and giving her partner copies of all the e-mails between them.

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 13:27

CowPie · 04/12/2022 22:58

I doubt it has anything to do with you. None of us can tell you why she finds your partner attractive, though.

This.

And your problem is not that someone else was attracted to your partner.
Your problem is that your partner enjoyed this and engaged with her.

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 13:30

MorrisZapp · 05/12/2022 07:56

So much misogyny on this thread. The woman is discussed in the most vile, sexualised and demeaning language and the actual cheater is a 'silly old goat'.

Nothing changes does it. Men can trash their family lives, lie to the faces of the people who they are supposed to love the most, and get society's eyerolls. Women (presumably unattached themselves, I don't think the OP said) who are the focus of these cheaters get psychoanalysed, ripped apart and referred to in the most degrading terms available.

None of us know why she's done this but the 'occams razor' approach would suggest that she fancies your charismatic husband and doesn't consider you anything to do with her.

The answer to it all is living in your house.

This!

foggydaysun · 05/12/2022 13:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/12/2022 12:56

Agreeing as always with MorrisZapp. This thread makes me feel queasy with the usual dismissive pat-on-the-head for the perpetrator of OP's misery - and the bile that is always heaped on the woman. Always the woman.

No wonder there are so many married/attached men out there who think they can behave like this. Their women, like those on this thread, say they can. Ugh.

Pack it in with the moral compass comments levied at her - where the hell was/is his moral compass or code for the person he's supposed to love?

Show quote history

And this!

PAFMO · 05/12/2022 13:35

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/12/2022 12:56

Agreeing as always with MorrisZapp. This thread makes me feel queasy with the usual dismissive pat-on-the-head for the perpetrator of OP's misery - and the bile that is always heaped on the woman. Always the woman.

No wonder there are so many married/attached men out there who think they can behave like this. Their women, like those on this thread, say they can. Ugh.

Pack it in with the moral compass comments levied at her - where the hell was/is his moral compass or code for the person he's supposed to love?

Show quote history

Agreeing with Morris and Witch as usual.
He told you she'd come onto him?
Why?
Because the right thing for him to have done at that point was tell her he was happily married and to fuck off. Not come home and brag to you about it.
And now he's suggested "opening" up the relationship? What a sad, sleazy fuckwit of a man.
Whatever her motivations, his are no better.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 05/12/2022 13:38

I can understand why OP is wondering about the OWs perspective. She knows her DH well well enough to have some context for his behaviour. But the OW is an unknow, a confounding factor. Bound to raise questions.

The only advice to give is that OW will remain an enigma. @wordleaddict has to work out what she wants to do with/about her DH. Something she ahs already said she is pondering.

Watchkeys · 05/12/2022 14:04

though deep thinker, creativity, deeper than men in her peer group, desire to be a muse. She said in one of her emails to him that she had never felt able to say all sorts of internal and erotic things to anyone before him. Whether she is damaged I wonder. Vulnerable? She's a middle class hippie with her own little community arts business, and a live in partner

What will you gain by working out who she is as a person, @wordleaddict ? What benefit will it have for you? Wouldn't you gain more by working stuff out about yourself?

Original poster
wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 14:13

maybe I would gain more thinking about myself - but I have spent a year wondering about me and him and to what extent it is all over. And just trying to get insight into why someone so much younger would not find attention from an old geezer totally disgusting and ridiculous. And I want to know what others think - as I only have one person I have really been able to talk to about it and I have had nothing else like this in my life to date.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/12/2022 14:21

but I have spent a year wondering about me and him and to what extent it is all over

OK, so this is something that's relative to your life. Did you come to a conclusion?

LBFseBrom · 05/12/2022 14:25

Musicians and performers such as you describe your husband, are magnets regardless of age. She will get over it but I wouldn't be happy about the porn bit; that is sleazy in the extreme. It might be better for him to give her a miss, not harshly but fade her out. He obviously doesn't want an involvement.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 05/12/2022 14:58

wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 14:13

maybe I would gain more thinking about myself - but I have spent a year wondering about me and him and to what extent it is all over. And just trying to get insight into why someone so much younger would not find attention from an old geezer totally disgusting and ridiculous. And I want to know what others think - as I only have one person I have really been able to talk to about it and I have had nothing else like this in my life to date.

I would hazard a guess that she pursues your husbant as it is just a flowery fantasy, it's not real. If it were to become real and your partner turned up at her house to move in, I bet she'd lose the bubble would burst pretty quick. This happened to my Dad and he came home to my mum within a week and took to his bed lamenting his lost love and my mum tended to him like a poor sick child. It was gross and my mum should have been furious with him. His OW also wrote poems and they'd sit on the beach wishing they could be together and it was all a load of romantic, unrealistic tosh.
Your OW sounds like a floaty, head in the clouds fantasist. Your partner sounds, disrespectful and arrogant. He asked you for an open relationship so he can carry on with her with your blessing. On your bike. How entitled is that?! He is allowing this woman to disrespect you, for that alone he needs to be thrown out. He'll go to her and be back within a week. Then the next steps are up to you.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 15:36

I eventually come clean about spying, go mad, tell others in the group what has been happening etc.Ban him from seeing her. He complies after a lot of arguing and him being nasty and talking about opening up our relationship and me saying no way. It has been a shitty year since with him drinking more and more and me getting paranoid and upset. I won't go into how crap I feel and how broken, because he said things to her about me that are wounding.
I am so sorry this happened to you OP, & doubly sorry that he has gone about it so cruelly.

is pushing 70. Looks a little younger than his age, but pretty jowly. Is an artist, musician, not very successful
Why not leave him & his jowls to make sweet music with OW?

I just want insight into her.
It's understandable that you'd want to - but you categorically do not need to.
Ruminating about her will do you no good & make you miserable.

I can tell you exactly what her motivation is - ego.
She wants to feel special & daring with her dirty old Picasso. There is nothing more that you need to know about her than this.
His motivation is just the same - & it's HIM you need to be focusing on, not her.
As in - what is he for, what happiness does he ever bring you, what would life look like if you chose to dump him.

You need ... CHUMPLADY!
Full of wisdom, experience, decoding the Cheater's Script, & hilarious amounts of snark. Have a browse round the archives for support & comfort.
Do NOT dance the Pick-Me Dance for your cheat. And don't waste time thinking about his Schmoopie.
www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 15:40

wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 08:29

Thanks everyone. Am digesting your thoughts, which are painful, realistic, challenging. Just to answer on one thing. I am 8 years younger, was over 40 when I had DC, after 10 years with DP. I know that he is the problem and things got close to me throwing him out. I am actually the one who has the proper job and he has been more if the homemaker. I suppose the purpose of post was just to try to understand her, but it is true, I can't, you can't help me. Sone if the things said are plausible though deep thinker, creativity, deeper than men in her peer group, desire to be a muse. She said in one of her emails to him that she had never felt able to say all sorts of internal and erotic things to anyone before him. Whether she is damaged I wonder. Vulnerable? She's a middle class hippie with her own little community arts business, and a live in partner. I don't know.

ha! So the silver lining is that you are not married to him AND you are the breadwinner.

I know the emotional side if it is still overwhelming, but take comfort in the fact that YOU hold all the cards OP. If you want to kick his cheating arse to the kerb, you have the means to do so without being constrained by finances.

Middle class hippie huh?
Self-obsessed twat then.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/12/2022 15:43

Id hazard a guess

she’s in some way broken , and thinks she ‘deserves him’ as he Fixes her and makes her whole

he’s also lied about you and probably said controlling etc etc etc so she thinks she’s saving him

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 15:46

wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 14:13

maybe I would gain more thinking about myself - but I have spent a year wondering about me and him and to what extent it is all over. And just trying to get insight into why someone so much younger would not find attention from an old geezer totally disgusting and ridiculous. And I want to know what others think - as I only have one person I have really been able to talk to about it and I have had nothing else like this in my life to date.

Brace up OP. It seems you been lost in a sad limbo for at least a year, contemplating how inadequate Mr I Need A Muse is as a partner.

OW has probably convinced herself that her beau is a significant genius.
That's how SHE deals with the unacknowledged fact that he's a disgusting & ridiculous old geezer - but that's not important. What's important is - how are YOU dealing with the fact that he's a disgusting & ridiculous old geezer?

I know it hurts. But you are in a position to do exactly as you choose about your relationship. How angry are you - do you see yourself reaching the incandescent rage soon? - that will help. Mr I Need A Muse is being so disrespectful to you. He deserves dumping, & to have to find himself new accommodation - but that's up to you, & whether you feel there is anything left to salvage with this old git who is treating you so very badly.

Original poster
wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 15:54

Ongoing really. Hard to make a decision when you have children (teenagers) in the house. Tried to throw him out a couple of times - but it never worked. I don't want him to go. I want him to love me again and recognise what he has. Stupid, eh.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 16:00

wordleaddict · 05/12/2022 15:54

Ongoing really. Hard to make a decision when you have children (teenagers) in the house. Tried to throw him out a couple of times - but it never worked. I don't want him to go. I want him to love me again and recognise what he has. Stupid, eh.

Oh OP .... Flowers

Get yourself to ChumpLady, as soon as you can. (link upthread)

He doesn't love you - we don't behave like this to people we love.
He doesn't value you, He takes you (& no doubt your earning power) for granted.
I am so sorry at how brutal that is, but you need to stop deluding yourself, it only prolongs the pain.

Your teens will be fine with or without him in the house, so don't hinge your decision on them. They need to see their mother role modelling how not to be treated with disrespect.

Throwing him out would work just fine - IF you were committed to it.
Keeping him is not going to make him suddenly start loving & valuing you.
You have to love & value yourself. Easy words to write, hard to do when somebody's kicked you in the ovaries like this. But you have the rest of your life to live - why fill it with somebody who consumes you with misery?