Help me understand OW's motivation

[wordleaddict]

A brief explanation, Sorry it is long. DP of 33 years, 2 teenage DC, is pushing 70. Looks a little younger than his age, but pretty jowly. Is an artist, musician, not very successful but comes across as bold, passionate, energetic. So about a year ago I linked him up with someone I had known for 2 years because she could help him with some printing up of artwork. She was then 27. After a few weeks, it turns out she tells him she has the hots for him. He tells me because he was so surprised. I think wtf but assume it is an aberration, the end of it. But I spy on his emails, because I am mistrustful and I see him online a lot. Yes, bad I know. They meet up a bit to play music, usually with others, so I start going along. They exchange a lot of pornographic drawings by email and he idealises her in poems and she writes saucy language about him opening her up in mind and body. Yuck. I eventually come clean about spying, go mad, tell others in the group what has been happening etc.Ban him from seeing her. He complies after a lot of arguing and him being nasty and talking about opening up our relationship and me saying no way. It has been a shitty year since with him drinking more and more and me getting paranoid and upset. I won't go into how crap I feel and how broken, because he said things to her about me that are wounding. I just want insight into her. Now 28, I suppose. Occasionally she has sent a letter, which on one occasion he showed me, because he couldn't work out who had sent it. It was all punning language about hearing him on radio and feeling held in his hands, blah blah. We saw her at an event last week. Today she sends an email saying she must see him and she will knock at door at 1pm. He tells her no and she stays away. What is this about? Is he really a catch for a young woman? Is she trying to destroy me, for fun, as she is well aware how shattered I have been through all this? Any insights?

@VisaGeezer He's in a really precarious position financially then, definitely needs kicking into touch. If his name isn't on the deeds he's really gambling with his future.

OP please think about the example you're setting your dc, they're old enough to be told what's been going on and I'd be very surprised if they haven't worked out most of it already, they hear more than you think.

Ugh, another one.

What does HE sound like then?

He sounds like a very deluded sad old man who's got over excited thinking he's suddenly gods gift to young women. It's tragic really.

I know it's not cool to comment on the OW on here now but she is actively pursuing him, so although yes he shouldn't have entertained this for a moment she shouldn't have either, his wife introduced them so she knew he was married from the beginning.

I doubt she genuinely wants a relationship with a man of 70, he's not a millionaire rock star.

I also think the OP has let this go on for too long and should have binned him when he asked for permission to shag around, for her own mental health and self esteem she needs to step out of this situation but my throwing him out.

MrsMontyD, I don't think it's that it's uncool as such, just that it's decidedly tedious and utterly pointless to see women flock to pillory the woman involved when the man could have just not gone there at all. It was his job NOT to 'go there'.

It's flawed thinking to blame the OW as it's true that if it weren't this one, it would be another. It's him who cannot keep it in his trousers, him who doesn't love or care for the OP enough to stop it and HIM who will keep on doing this, laughing up his sleeve at the OP who tacitly gives permission for him to keep doing it by not giving him the consequences of losing her.

It's HIM.

Why on earth are you wasting time analysing her?? Your marriage is over. Raise your bar.

I do think it's acceptable to feel contempt for a woman who pursues a married man and to question their morals, I would be mortified if my daughter behaved in that way and I'd feel I'd failed in her upbringing, but yes, ultimately your argument as the wife/partner is with the man who entered into a commitment relationship with you.

I don't give my exH or his OW the satisfaction of even discussing her or showing any interest in her whatsoever. I've never so much as said her name out loud, she's a nonentity as far as I'm concerned.

Just to add (again, he should be your focus, not her, because if it wasn't her, it would be some other woman sooner or later, all he was lacking was the opportunity by the looks of it) that a 27 yr old (now 29 yr old) woman who has a live in partner who's come onto, declared feelings for, and engaged emotionally (and to some extent sexually, even if it's not been physical) with an attached, significantly older man .... Or any man for that matter ....... whom she's telling she can't communicate about sexual matters and turn ons with her partner; clearly lacks self esteem.

Because if she had self esteem, and she couldn't resolve this lack with her partner; she'd be confident enough to leave him, be single and meet another partner who she could have good communication about sexual things/her sexuality with.

Instead she's indulging in an infatuation/heavy flirtation with an attached man, who she's got a massive advantage over in terms of youth (he'd likely not normally have any chance with someone his daughter's age), and who therefore is extremely flattered and indulgent etc. And she's doing this behind her partner's back, rather than just finishing with him.

(I can only imagine his reaction if he found out she was sharing porn (?) with an older man, declaring feelings for him, telling him sexual stuff that she says she can't tell him (her partner)).

Those aren't the actions of a confident, high self esteem, well.afjusted woman. They're those of someone who doesn't have the balls to leave a relationship she's not fully happy in, and be single.
I doubt if your partner even left you and offered to shack up with her, whether she'd go for it! She might, if infatuated enough. But I think the infatuation, without being illicit and exciting and then being "held apart" would wear off fast and she want to gtfo of there then. She'd realise she was now with some old bloke, old enough to be her Dad, who doesn't look so good out of his family home, who's not really all that.

*It's flawed thinking to blame the OW as it's true that if it weren't this one, it would be another. It's him who cannot keep it in his trousers, him who doesn't love or care for the OP enough to stop it and HIM who will keep on doing this, laughing up his sleeve at the OP who tacitly gives permission for him to keep doing it by not giving him the consequences of losing her.

It's HIM.*

Yep, the only appropriate, decent thing to have done when this young woman declared feelings was to civilly but very firmly cut contact and emphasise his relationship status.

He's done the opposite.

And he knows, by ops actions, that he'll get away with doing whatever he fancies until this either fades out (not that it couldn't drag on for years, with the two if them using each other for validation and attention and titillation) or he leaves op.

(I think even if he leaves op, he'll come crawling back.soknec or later, knowing she'll take him).

Op values him far above his worth.

Op values the relationship far above how much he values it (or he thinks no matter what he does, he'll never lose it so it doesn't matter really what he does); and is having a great deal of pain and stress and upset inflicted on her as a result. I think everyone wishes she'd see through him and realise he's not worth it.

Ego
For him and for her

Make plans to ditch him at a convenient time for your teens.

I get the wanting to understand actually. The reality is, a woman has attacked you - emotionally - and that is a direct attack on you. She knows it.

So it’s not just a case of this woman is nothing to you. She has entered into your private, intimate realm - that of your most personal significant relationship with your man.

Its helpful to recognise this I think for your healing. She fucked you over and didn’t care. Someone who does that could have many reasons. Pure selfishness. Wanting adoration. Also plenty of women unfortunately get a bit of a kick of claiming someone else’s man.

The point is, you are not like this. You didn’t do this. You have been wronged, betrayed. This was not in your control. Understanding can help a little of taking back control. The only real healing is in setting up boundaries for yourself, which eventually are to not centre your thoughts on the harm cause to you. But I believe you can only do that by acknowledging it first. Then you do need to heal - by minimising in your head this woman. She will have grown big because that’s natural, she’s an ongoing threat. But if you think your DP is now to be trusted and is open, then pushing her to the outside is important.

These are your words about your partner, OP "attention from an old geezer totally disgusting and ridiculous"

Is he really that disgusting and ridiculous? Perhaps your love for him was over, before even before this affair started? Did you hold such contempt for him before?

Hardly, given she's taken him back repeatedly during his ongoing emotional (?) affair and has said she just wants him to love her and want her again.