Am I a bad person/husband?

[rfletch31]

Hi all. Dad and husband posting here for some genuine advice and help.

Happily married for over six years, together for nearly 10. While I think I am being a good person, work hard and try my best, I feel like I am taking the blame for a lot of stuff in our relationship.

I feel that I am apologising all of the time for
things that either I didn’t feel I did wrong or that I didn’t think were a huge issue. More often than not, at the time I think I am doing the right thing, but when the argument starts, I immediately feel in the wrong.

I absolutely hate confrontation and falling out, especially over things that are most of the time trivial or a misunderstanding. I have countless examples from over the years, but the more it happens, the more I think I’m a bad person and my S/O would be better off without me.

We do make up quickly most of the time, but I worry about how much longer I can take it, while at the same time whether I am actually a bad person. I very rarely start an argument as I don’t like to do so and often let things go to avoid a fight. But maybe that’s the wrong thing to do?

Feel really lost and absolutely not good enough as a husband and sometimes a father. Am I not thinking straight? Am I selfish? Am I stupid? I don’t know.

Could you give some examples of things that are causing the arguments?

Of course! So tonight I was accused of not caring as I didn’t organise dinner while we were both putting the kids to sleep. She told
me she didn’t know what she wanted, then got mad and won’t talk to me as I didn’t offer any ideas. I had been waiting for her to decide and let me know.

Another example was a few months back when I was accused of looking at other women on social media as she found one video on my feed of a woman in a bikini. For the record, I hadn’t been doing this but she wouldn’t believe me and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days.

Of course I do mess up, as we all do, but I do feel sometimes I get unfairly targeted - especially when I have let a lot go in the past. I don’t use that as an excuse or a “pass” to get away with things at all though.

The worst part about doing dinner is deciding what to have. Maybe that's why she was annoyed? That you were waiting for her to decide? It is an argument that happens in my house.

For your first example, is that common? Ie she gets upset because you don't do things because you are waiting for her to tell you what to do? She may tell you she is tired of doing all the thinking or that if you loved her you would actually think about these things?

Because that is provably the thing I see and hear women complain about the most online and in real life. That their partners are happy to get stuck in but need constant direction and instruction. We are all exhausted from carrying the mental load. We just want someone ro say, "right, I am organising dinner tonight" and then to organise Israel it. Choosing food we actually like, thinking about what food is a out to go off so needs eating, and ideally doing the washing up afterwards.

The liking women's posts is a different t issue. Is she irrationally jealous? Or have their been issues in the past?

It is beyond me how you could have had what you describe as a happy marriage with a woman who didn't speak to you for days over a bikini woman in your feed or got mad about you not knowing what she wanted for dinner.

What's she like the rest of the time?

Yes it’s a common argument. I think her issue lay in that she was having a hard time getting our youngest to sleep and that it should’ve been down to me to organise dinner - or at least suggest some ideas - though I was also
trying to get our eldest to sleep. I can see her point, absolutely, but I don’t think it warranted the response I got (tears, not talking despite me apologising/trying to fix it, straight to bed with door shut)

Yes it can be a common issue - and I sometimes sit there thinking I’m not a mind reader - but again sometimes I take her point.

Just for reference, I never liked any images of someone in a bikini - it just happened to show up on my TikTok as a random video in among the usual stuff I follow.

I don’t think she is irrationally jealous, but I do feel myself being uncomfortable when I speak about other women friends to her. I’ve been 100% faithful and never looked another way the entire time we have been together.

Name change fail??

Does she sort dinner out most of the time during the week? If so, she probably doesn't want to think about it on a night you are able to sort it.

It is awful when DC won't go to sleep, especially if you haven't had your dinner yet. I think I would cry if I emerged at 8pm after an uphill struggle for an hour to find no dinner any time soon.

Just for reference, I never liked any images of someone in a bikini - it just happened to show up on my TikTok as a random video in among the usual stuff I follow.

I've started getting a load of 'live' TikToks of scantily clad women, and I'm a straight woman who doesn't seek that shit out. It's so weird and I feel sorry for you if this is the same thing that's happening to you and your wife is attacking you for it.

Yes, it’s fair to say that she does do that, and I fully appreciate and and thankful for her for doing that. It’s not that I don’t want to or offer to, it’s that she likes to do it and has told me so.

Perhaps I could’ve made more of an effort to ask her. Maybe I am in the wrong on this one, to a point, but even after admitting to it and trying to fix it, I am shut out - much like I have been many times in the past. I find it harder each time to accept the full blame.

Thank you - and yes that’s exactly what happened. We moved past it, but it was a really difficult time for me when she wouldn’t believe me in what I was saying.

She sounds demanding and unreasonable (based on your examples). Don't let her make you feel bad or treat you badly. What were her parents like when she was growing up? And what were yours like? Often people fall into patterns of behaviour in adult relationships that they saw their own parents act out. It is possible to change but requires effort, self reflection and often therapy.

She sounds like a knob. Who cries because their partner hasn’t given a suggestion on what to have for dinner???

As far as I can see it’s one of two things: either she’s childish af/abusive OR you’re really irritating to her and she’s got the ick but doesn’t have the balls to break up with you.

can’t really see a third option, unless you’re teenagers in your first relationship?

sounds like an dreadful effort if this happens all the time. Also a terrible example to your children.

@Martowens98 ...just be aware that your obviously the OP but you're commenting under this name. It could be that your wife knows this username. You may want to ask Mumsnet to delete this thread or your following comments and start again

Her childhood was quite hard and I am fully respectful of that. What you say about falling into patterns of parents rings true as I feel I act a lot like my dad when my mum used to
get angry about things, in that he would go into a shell and take all the blame for things that weren’t always his fault. I do feel like therapy would be good as I could say how I really feel, but also that she wouldn’t want to do it and would hold what I say in therapy against me when we get home.

Google mental load.
I used to get mad because I had to think of everything. Dh would help if I asked but I felt I shouldn't have to ask. No one has to ask me, it just gets done.
Mental load is really hard when you are already at your limit.
We both work FT and I'm still the one that has to know all the kids activities, sort out ideas for dinner, holidays, school events, the cats going to the vets ect ect. It was exhausting.
Once I knew what the problem was, I could then tell him and we put things in place like an electronic calendar, meal planning, alarms ect. But it takes work.

Thanks for the comments. She certainly isn’t a knob and I love her very much. I can definitely be irritating at times, but I do all
that I can to help out as much as I can at home, with the kids and life in general.

Thank you. In fairness I think we split the load quite well. I work from home and therefore can pitch in during the day so she can shower, go to the gym, shopping etc. That is maybe when sometimes when something like this happens, it hurts as I know how much I do and sometimes feel she doesn’t appreciate it. It’s something friends have said to me in the past as well.

Sorry to hear. I think the fact that you're worried about her taking it out on you after a possible therapy session speaks volumes. She doesn't sound loving or kind. You deserve better than that you really do. I suggest you seek therapy for yourself and seriously consider whether this relationship is good enough. From your posts it doesn't sound it.

Maybe you could agree more of a division of responsibility in advance. E.g. you each have specific days when it's your job to fix dinner, and on your day you decide what it should be. Or at most offer the other person 'do you want x or y'.

Then the other person knows they don't have to think about it on those days.

Have a conversation. Tell her you often feel got at but ask her to talk about how she feels as well.

Often, working to solve specific petty seeming practical problems can make things overall better than you might expect.

No, I certainly didn’t cheat and never will do! I offered to bath the kids during the game so she could have a shower in peace, so of course family comes ahead of anything else.

She is loving and kind, but I do take your point in what you are saying. I guess there is only so much someone can take until they break?

I think @Aria999 offers good advice about agreeing how the mental load and daily tasks will be split in advance. Also maybe have some pre- agreed back up plans, so agree that if the person who is supposed to sort dinner is caught up with one of the kids past X time the other adult will get Y out of the freezer and start cooking it rather than waiting around for the other. You can’t always act in the way the other person expects in a situation that arises for the first time, all you can do is make a plan together in which you both outline what you would want to happen next time.