Am I a bad person/husband?

[rfletch31]

Hi all. Dad and husband posting here for some genuine advice and help.

Happily married for over six years, together for nearly 10. While I think I am being a good person, work hard and try my best, I feel like I am taking the blame for a lot of stuff in our relationship.

I feel that I am apologising all of the time for
things that either I didn’t feel I did wrong or that I didn’t think were a huge issue. More often than not, at the time I think I am doing the right thing, but when the argument starts, I immediately feel in the wrong.

I absolutely hate confrontation and falling out, especially over things that are most of the time trivial or a misunderstanding. I have countless examples from over the years, but the more it happens, the more I think I’m a bad person and my S/O would be better off without me.

We do make up quickly most of the time, but I worry about how much longer I can take it, while at the same time whether I am actually a bad person. I very rarely start an argument as I don’t like to do so and often let things go to avoid a fight. But maybe that’s the wrong thing to do?

Feel really lost and absolutely not good enough as a husband and sometimes a father. Am I not thinking straight? Am I selfish? Am I stupid? I don’t know.

I think it all comes back down to me being scared to bring things up as I know it will almost certainly lead to an argument - and I admit that I hate any sort of confrontation and avoid it all costs, not just in marriage but in life in general.

Seriously, mental load.
She shouldn't have to tell you to cook.
Letting her shower is not "pitching in".

I think that is really good advice, so thank you for that! It’s definitely something that I will suggest if she is talking to me again in the morning!

Don't let it get that bad. I think therapy could really help you work out what is going on - and the role your childhood experiences are playing. Good luck OP. You really don't sound like the 'bad guy' here...

Thank you again - really helpful advice.

I think she is probably exhausted trying to get your DC to bed and wants you to just get on and make dinner without her having to micromanage you and tell you exactly what to do.

Now obviously if you are also trying to put a kid to bed then you can't start making dinner. But dont go and ask her what she wants for dinner when she's trying to get the kid to sleep. Just decide yourself what dinner is and say "I'm cooking X is that ok". I say this because my DH does the same and it's fucking annoying.

Her reaction does sound over the top, but I remember those awful days of struggling to get kids to sleep, it's tough and she's probably feeling stressed out and a bit depressed.

Thank you - and yes you a probably right in that I should take the initiative and just do what feels right. I don’t think I do that enough in life so maybe it’s time I change the way I act in certain situations like this.

most people can get snappy and quickly upset/irritated when they are tired. How old are your kids? Could sleep deprivation be contributing?

There is a massive and scary lack of communication going on here.
If she is exhausted, fed up and snapping about small things then she needs to sit down with you when she is not so tired and explain what she wants from you. You can guess, but you won't actually know unless she tells you.

Sulking for days is abusive. Any woman talking about her DH on here would be told the same. Stonewalling is not OK.

You are scared of confrontation, she seems to overreact and is unable to have a difficult conversation without it being an argument.

You need professional help to break that cycle.

Sounds like you’re a couple with small children trying to get through the overwhelming stage.

Agree with the mental load comments - that’s my biggest gripe. My other half’s is that I don’t let him help (usually because I’m the only one thinking about stuff and he just wants me to give him a list of chores like a teenager). All this is very, very well-worn territory.

Definitely on the counselling - you might be worried she’d hold what you said against you afterwards but, erm, how to put this…if it’s the first time you guys get to communicate effectively and honestly and that causes long-term irrevocable issues…you’re doomed anyway, mate.

But relationship counsellors are very well trained to help manage behaviour around this kind of open communication so the only thing it can do is make you guys stronger or at least, understand each other better.

I think this sounds like an abusive relationship where the OP has been scared into having no opinion by previously "getting it wrong" all the time and facing nasty consequences. He has developed a strong inner critic which constantly undermines his confidence in his own perception. He knows there is something wrong and is reaching out for us to help, but somehow others here aren't seeing the wood for the trees!

OP, you need to get some outside support/therapy to help you understand what is acceptable in a relationship, whether you are valued and respected by your wife, and whether there are steps you are able to take that will address these problems. This doesn't sound like a relationship at the moment that is a place of the safety and validation that we all need.

Thanks for the advice. I do like to think that I do stuff of my own back without being told to, but yes I admit to waiting to be told or asked to do something before it gets done. Maybe it is down to me needing to take the initiative more…

Thanks for the comments and advice. I don’t personally think it is abusive, but I definitely do take on board what you are saying - and I do admit that speaking with third parties about it has helped.

Interesting to see you use the term 'pitch in'. It may be useful to have a really honest think about who really 'runs the house'. It is IME rarely a 50/50 arrangement. Do you see her role as house and family admin / childcare/ housework and see yourself as someone who 'helps her'. Who makes appointments for the kids, who sends family birthday cards, who is the main contact and decision maker around nursery/school, or who will be completing the application forms for primary school. Who decides what cleaning products are bought, etc etc x a million other things. If the honest answer is that she is in charge of these things then she is carrying the mental load and it is exhausting and creates huge resentment.
I'm sure my ex husband felt that he was a 50/50 parent. But he simply wasn't. He 'pitched in' when it suited, but the mental load was 100 percent mine to carry.

Wholeheartedly disagree, but thank you for the comments.

Definitely try this, because it's absolutely draining having to delegate. I watch my sister do this. She has to write him lists and then follow up and check, so it's more work for her in the long run and doesn't free her from the mental load at all. You are both adults, so take on the adulting equally.

I still think counselling is necessary because you seem unable to actually talk about this with her for some reason.

For the person saying you need to get out rather than get professional help, I'd say one sometimes clarifies the other, so it's still required

You should not ever feel like you are walking on eggshells in your own home. She is responsible for her own emotional stability and if she can't control her emotions and act in mature ways, then she should be seeking professional help. In some ways this is emotional manipulation if you are in a state where you are scared or worried about her reaction to what you say and do - regardless of her intentions.

Thank you - but I do really believe we share things 50/50. She may look after kids clothes, presents, cooking most the time, that sort of stuff, but I absolutely play my part - looking after all the bills, booking appointments, school runs, homework, cleaning. Perhaps pitch in was the wrong turn of phrase, and for that I apologise.

@Martowens98 I think it's probably partly that but you probably still need an initial conversation to figure out where it's helpful to take the initiative and where you would just end up messing up something she's already dealing with.

Otherwise you risk getting criticized for taking the initiative too and feeling you can't do anything right.

Thank you again!

Thank you - and yes she has spoken about speaking with someone before as she admits she struggles mentally at time. Who wouldn’t with a lack of sleep with the youngest!

Yes, exactly the second part!

Who in your house is responsible for the following? How many do you do spontaneously without being asked or reminded?

preparing breakfast/ lunch for the kids
cooking dinner
deciding what to cook for dinner
Making a shopping list, including knowing which items are needed (groceries, toiletries, kids stuff etc)
Shopping
Day to day cleaning (eg: hoovering, dishes, wiping surfaces
Deep cleaning/ cleaning jobs that need to be done less often (eg: cleaning oven, window cleaning)
laundry - washing, drying, ironing, putting it away
Taking out bins/ recycling and ensuring it’s done on the correct day
Paying bills, Renewing insurance etc
Remembering and sorting gifts for birthdays of friends/ family
Booking medical appointments for kids (eg: vaccinations, opticians, dentist)
Liaising with school/ nursery, ensuring kids have the right things in their bags for the day ahead (eg: spare clothes, PE kit)
Arranging family days out

It’s all very well to do your bit by cooking dinner when you’ve been told what to cook, but if your wife still has to plan the recipe, work out which foods are needed and buy the food then you’ve only done the end part of the task and none of the mental load. There’s a lot of planning and thinking involved in running a house, it’s not just about doing the jobs but ensuring everything is needed to do the jobs. The washing up can’t happen if nobodies remembered to buy washing up liquid and sponges for example. If you’re only doing jobs when you’ve been told or only doing the very obvious part of a task, such as putting away the clean dishes on the side but never remembering to add washing up liquid to the shopping list, then you’re only helping at a surface level rather than taking actual responsibility for the entirety of any household jobs.