Am I a bad person/husband?

[rfletch31]

Hi all. Dad and husband posting here for some genuine advice and help.

Happily married for over six years, together for nearly 10. While I think I am being a good person, work hard and try my best, I feel like I am taking the blame for a lot of stuff in our relationship.

I feel that I am apologising all of the time for
things that either I didn’t feel I did wrong or that I didn’t think were a huge issue. More often than not, at the time I think I am doing the right thing, but when the argument starts, I immediately feel in the wrong.

I absolutely hate confrontation and falling out, especially over things that are most of the time trivial or a misunderstanding. I have countless examples from over the years, but the more it happens, the more I think I’m a bad person and my S/O would be better off without me.

We do make up quickly most of the time, but I worry about how much longer I can take it, while at the same time whether I am actually a bad person. I very rarely start an argument as I don’t like to do so and often let things go to avoid a fight. But maybe that’s the wrong thing to do?

Feel really lost and absolutely not good enough as a husband and sometimes a father. Am I not thinking straight? Am I selfish? Am I stupid? I don’t know.

I’m going to stand my ground here and say that this list is genuinely 50/50 split - if anything, I do more on this list in particular, almost all of it spontaneously. Thanks for the comments!

Sorry, cross posted as it sounds like you do take on some of the mental load. Maybe the issue though is that things are split 50/50 with you doing 100% of half the jobs and her doing 100% of the other half but neither feeling able to step in and help with the others assigned job when something happens to cause one person to be overwhelmed or delayed. In theory if she always does all of the cooking but you always sort all the bills etc I guess things may well be split fairly, but I can also see how it may feel stressful to her to feel like she is entirely responsible for cooking even if she also never has to think about bills. Maybe things need to be a little more fluid where even if you have the designated roles you usually play in terms of housework/ life admin etc you also both feel able to step in and take over other roles without needing to be asked/ instructed when you can see that the other person can’t manage on that occasion. Obviously that can only work if the other person is relaxed about relinquishing control though, I can understand why you might be anxious to step in and take over dinner for example whilst she’s putting a child to bed if you don’t feel confident she will be grateful you’ve sorted dinner and not annoyed you’ve cooked the wrong thing or not done it her way.

Ok. So if this is true, she is being really unreasonable and I am afraid that being exhausted through sleep deprivation is not a good enough excuse. It might be if she snapped at you then calmed down and apologised, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

You also need to value yourself more highly and tell her how undervalued you are feeling. She needs to know. You think avoiding confrontation is a good way to deal with things and keep the peace, but you are on here feeling awful, so that's not working, is it?

Maybe there are all sorts of things she is unhappy about, but you don't know what, so you are being set up to be perpetually in the wrong for not being a mind reader. She needs to hear that too.

It's definitely sit down and have a proper conversation time. I suggest the first conversation involves suggesting a counsellor. You need to get tough, my man!

Thank you - and yes that make a lot of sense in maybe we sometimes both don’t realise the effort that goes in to certain tasks and we should appreciate each other more for that.

Thank you for that and for the advice. I do certainly see a trend developing here in terms of a counsellor and I do think it is a good idea.

No need to apologise at all. Just meant it more that it's useful to genuinely reflect on our own contribution. I'm certainly not of the opinion that all women are right and men naturally in the wrong. From the sounds of your subsequent posts you are taking ownership of family life. Life with young children puts such huge strain on relationships. Have you both considered marriage counselling?

Thank you! It’s not something we have spoken about as a couple but I have thought about it to myself when situations like this arise.

To be fair to her, she let me spend a night away at a Christmas party half way up the other end of the country a couple of days again, so that sort of thing isn’t an issue.

She 'let you'? Surely you mean you discussed it and she agreed? 'Let you' is a worrying turn of phrase. She is a partner, not a boss.

Yes that’s an unfair phrase. We did discuss and plan in advance.

I absolutely don't think this is unsalvageable, you just both need to communicate properly. It's hard to change patterns of behaviour and you both have to want to.

You say things turn into an argument. Can you give an example of how it goes if you bring up a problem?

I think you may need to assert yourself more positively u to the relationship. Planning is a huge burden and I think ‘not knowing’ if the other half is going to do a job in advance is a major source of pent-up resentment. That might mean sitting dorm on a Sunday and agreeing the next seven days, or using a joint calendar. When you get to kids bring at football training and swimming lessons, you really need to have a solid base of not just a fair division of labour, but it being explicitly set out day by day. But if in three months time you are still being bad-guy’d, then you really do need to set up time to get some sort of couples support to talk it out.

Thank you - yes I think planning for normal and unexpected situations may be a good idea.

I expect you are not assisting with decision making in the home.

Is it her entire responsibility to come up with dinner suggestions? Why not look at what you have in the house then make suggestions on food based on your research.

Of course. So if I were to bring something up, she may get defensive straight away or she may start crying if it is a particularly sensitive issue. As mentioned, I don’t like to get into an argument so don’t bring it up - and I’m fully aware this ain’t healthy or the right way to go about things.

I think it could go one of two ways. Either she would be fine with it, or may go off on one about how that’s not fair on her being left with the usual daily stuff.

No that’s not the case. I do come up with ideas and suggestions for things all the time - not just dinner but days out, restaurants, etc

I suspect that she just gets overwhelmed with everything from time to time and then snaps. So she was the one dealing with the child that wouldn't sleep - if she's tired and feeling out of control it is not difficult to see why she snapped, especially if you put the easier child to bed and then waited to ask what's for dinner. You say that you've been away in the last couple of days, so she's had to carry the full load at home and with the kids so is probably more exhausted than ever. The two occasions when I have absolutely lost it with DH were both when DC were small. The first he went to buy a parking ticket, then came back and asked me how long for. I stood there and screamed at him to just make a "fing" decision by himself for once. The other was one Friday during the school holidays when I had had a tricky week as one of the DC had been a bit under the weather and was still a bit cranky. By mid afternoon I was feeling on my knees with exhaustion, being touched out by kids and not being able to get anything done - I felt i was literally hanging on by my fingernails until DH got home at 6.30pm. He breezed in at 8 and when I asked why he was late he said he thought he'd go out for a drink with colleagues and seemed puzzled as to why I'd have a problem with that . I lost it. In both cases it was because he had just not thought and i felt a bit like mummy and I wanted a second adult in the marriage rather than a third child.

If you haven't read this already do so

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic