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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a bad person/husband?

93 replies

rfletch31 · 04/12/2022 22:06

Hi all. Dad and husband posting here for some genuine advice and help.

Happily married for over six years, together for nearly 10. While I think I am being a good person, work hard and try my best, I feel like I am taking the blame for a lot of stuff in our relationship.

I feel that I am apologising all of the time for
things that either I didn’t feel I did wrong or that I didn’t think were a huge issue. More often than not, at the time I think I am doing the right thing, but when the argument starts, I immediately feel in the wrong.

I absolutely hate confrontation and falling out, especially over things that are most of the time trivial or a misunderstanding. I have countless examples from over the years, but the more it happens, the more I think I’m a bad person and my S/O would be better off without me.

We do make up quickly most of the time, but I worry about how much longer I can take it, while at the same time whether I am actually a bad person. I very rarely start an argument as I don’t like to do so and often let things go to avoid a fight. But maybe that’s the wrong thing to do?

Feel really lost and absolutely not good enough as a husband and sometimes a father. Am I not thinking straight? Am I selfish? Am I stupid? I don’t know.

OP posts:

Martowens98 · 05/12/2022 00:25

Thanks for that and for sharing. I think we are all a bit guilty of being that way from time to time, but I do hope that I put family first when it comes to decision making and that I am
thoughtful to her.

lifeissweet · 05/12/2022 00:26

Martowens98 · 05/12/2022 00:17

Of course. So if I were to bring something up, she may get defensive straight away or she may start crying if it is a particularly sensitive issue. As mentioned, I don’t like to get into an argument so don’t bring it up - and I’m fully aware this ain’t healthy or the right way to go about things.

Thank you. Sorry if I'm being nosey. I'm just curious about the dynamic.

You've already said this reaction in her makes you disappear into your shell.

You can't control her reaction, but you could try changing your own. If she cries, try to carry on regardless. It is one of two things - either she takes any problem as a personal criticism and can't handle it (in which case she needs reassurance that you love her, but you do need to have this conversation - then carry on) or - more likely, I'm afraid - she does this to manipulate you. I don't mean consciously, necessarily, just that she has learned this behaviour from childhood - to get people to back off by crying. In that case, you still need to push on regardless. She doesn't get to shut you down that way.

She doesn't need to be defensive. You are not attacking her.

Don't be afraid of tears. She is not mortally wounded. You aren't trying to hurt her. Be brave.

DaddyCool0 · 05/12/2022 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thelnebriati · 05/12/2022 00:32

I do feel like therapy would be good as I could say how I really feel, but also that she wouldn’t want to do it and would hold what I say in therapy against me when we get home.

I think you should try relationship therapy. Go on your own if she won't join you. Its not just about being able to say how you feel, but also about learning different ways to communicate.
Try not to second guess whether or not she will attend, or how she will behave afterwards.

DaddyCool0 · 05/12/2022 00:34

This reply has been deleted

We have our doubts about this so it has been deleted by MNHQ while we take a look behind the scenes.

Martowens98 · 05/12/2022 00:37

Thank you!

Martowens98 · 05/12/2022 00:38

Thank you, good advice.

Thelnebriati · 05/12/2022 00:41

Terrible idea.. waste of money when we all know what "the problem" is

Poor communication is the problem. If you don't fix the problem you just take it into the next relationship.
IDK what you think relationship therapy involves, but it not about validating one partner as right and the other as wrong.

lifeissweet · 05/12/2022 00:47

Terrible idea.. waste of money when we all know what "the problem" is

With communication this fraught, they will likely need a third party to negotiate a split anyway. It's not about assigning blame or even patching up something that doesn't work.

Aria999 · 05/12/2022 02:32

It is also possible to learn how to have a constructive discussion without conflict. Be open to what the other person says, and try to consider what you say from their viewpoint before you say it,

I think she sounds like hard work tbh but it sounds like you care about her and it may be workable if you can learn how to have a difficult conversation.

I also hate conflict so I understand to some extent. But a hard conversation can be constructive, it doesn't have to be a confrontation if you are both careful.

Kabalagala · 05/12/2022 07:19

Honestly, not saying she's perfect, but you described her taking a shower as you "pitching in". That says a lot to me.
And why on earth do you think as a parent with 2 small children you should be able to swan off to the pub whenever you feel like it.
Work on your relationship, be honest about how you feel. But I will say this again, if you feel the need to say you let her shower or do the food shop, you're not pulling your weight.

Usernamesarboring · 05/12/2022 09:52

Alopeciabop · 04/12/2022 23:10

She sounds like a knob. Who cries because their partner hasn’t given a suggestion on what to have for dinner???

As far as I can see it’s one of two things: either she’s childish af/abusive OR you’re really irritating to her and she’s got the ick but doesn’t have the balls to break up with you.

can’t really see a third option, unless you’re teenagers in your first relationship?

sounds like an dreadful effort if this happens all the time. Also a terrible example to your children.

Op, please don't take advice from those who are name calling.
You know better, maybe there have been issues simmering for a while and now small things upset her or maybe she has depression or maybe she is being unreasonable and not treating you well.

Alopeciabop · 05/12/2022 11:01

But why? If it were the other way round everyone would be screaming LTB. He says it’s been going on, and essentially is questioning his own experience. All things that if she were male, you’d be like no don’t take it. Why does he have to be sympathetic to her when she’s making him feel so awful he’s posting on mumsnet to try and make sense of his relationship. I’m sure he’d have said “She’s depressed” or whatever if she was. But he didn’t. He’s doubting his own self and his self esteem is being dented - classic response to an abusive partner.

and also yes I might be wrong based on the very limited info he’s given on a mumsnet post. But from personal experience, when someone’s being abusive and you ask people for help and they try to minimise your abusive partner’s behaviour for reasons such as “they might be depressed” or “oh well they lost their job so they’re having a hard time” or whatever other minimisation, it causes you to think you MUST be in the wrong. Their abuse mustn’t be abuse because you’ve asked for help (as this guy has) and yet everyone’s just like oohh well you should be more supportive.

so I feel it’s important for him to see both possibilities - and plenty of women on here just told him he’s probably in the wrong, or needs to change his personality!

OP - trust your gut. Someone on this thread will have hit the nail on the head and I don’t know what the nail is, but deep down you do.

candycane10 · 05/12/2022 11:07

Martowens98 · 04/12/2022 22:58

Yes, it’s fair to say that she does do that, and I fully appreciate and and thankful for her for doing that. It’s not that I don’t want to or offer to, it’s that she likes to do it and has told me so.

Perhaps I could’ve made more of an effort to ask her. Maybe I am in the wrong on this one, to a point, but even after admitting to it and trying to fix it, I am shut out - much like I have been many times in the past. I find it harder each time to accept the full blame.

I would agree that she will be frustrated at always having to decide dinner and would be expecting you to take some initiative. However to then cry, go to a different room in a huff and keep the door closed seems like a very extreme reaction (IMO).

Did hazard a guess that there are wiser issues/more things bothering her and this was the final straw on a longer list of issues.

Is it possible she feels like everything is left to her if that she's struggling with the stress/pressure and finally snapped?

GerbilsForever24 · 05/12/2022 14:57

It doesn't sound like her behaviour is okay. And I do completely understand the people pointing out that saying she's depressed or whatever is not an excuse for poor behaviour and wouldn't be accepted if you were a woman and she was a man.

However, statistically, it is true that men tend to over-estimate how much they do in the home. By a significant margin. The dinner thing feels like it could be the tip of the iceberg. So, for example, I organise dinner eery night. And for years, every now and again I would melt down because I'd be overwhelmed, stuck with a child and it literally would not cross DH's mind to think about food. But a few things led to real change here:

I realised that actually, it was true (as DH pointed out) that 95% of the time I do all the food planning and prefer it that way. If he did make a suggestion, it didn't work with what I had already planned and so it was a bit pointless for him. So complaining when he didn't magically spot the 5% of the time I wanted him to step up was unfair.
I also realised that my irritation re dinner was not actually about dinner. It was about feeling like I was constantly having to be "in charge". That nothing got done unless I thought about it. Complications could ONLY be foreseen by me (exhibit A: I asked Dh to organise dentist appointments for the DC. Which he did. But didn't bother to think through our actual family commitments so made sure HE was free but didn't think about activities the DC were committed to).
DH accepted number 2. And stepped up. And now we have much more clearly demarcated areas of "ownership". I might ask him to do something related to food prep or shopping but I "own" it. He owns lots of other things like laundry, bed linen, all insurance, bins, garden, all day-to-day tidying.

My losing it because he hasn't thought about dinner hasn't happened in years.

WGO · 06/12/2022 00:25

Suggest something - see which one of the two ways it goes. If it's tears discuss it and get to the bottom of it - maybe onset of some depression and needs help.

Geppili · 06/12/2022 00:41

Make a two week meal plan and do the shop for it. That'd be a start.

Bookworm20 · 06/12/2022 10:29

Based on what you have said and your updates I would definitely think that its the decision making that is getting to her. She does the majority of kid stuff, which essentially requires decision making constantly and perhaps for once she just wants you to take the reins a bit. Carrying the mental load all of the time for every decision that needs to be made, can take its toll.

Asking her what she wants for dinner, even though you are cooking it, may feel to her in the moment, overwhelming at the end of the day, struggling to get dc to sleep and she just wants someone to just get on with it and not require her to have to think about it.

I say this because I was at one point with 3 very young dc, the same. In fact it resulted in me literally screaming and crying at my DP one evening, because he had asked me a simple question - what should we do tonight. We had a child free evening, and I just didn't want to make another single decision. I just wanted someone to take the mental reins for a few hours and decide for me. It was ridiculous, but that stupid question tipped me over the edge because I just felt that everything, literally everything was down to me to decide and I was so bloody tired of it.

Anyway, that then resulted in us having a huge chat, because lets face it, my reaction was wayyyyy over the top. And the penny dropped for him. He realised how much of the time he was asking me to make choices, when he could just simply make them himself. The difference was huge for me.
And shortly after, he arranged a babysitter and just said, we're going out to dinner. No asking where should we go for a change, or what time we should go or whether we should book a taxi. He just got on, booked a restaurant, sorted taxi. The only decision I had that night was choosing off the menu. It was bloody lovely!
And thankfully it's continued.

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