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Original poster

“Don’t go looking for it” “it will happen when you least expect it”

96 replies

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 17:50

Does anyone else hear this a lot? I’m a single mum so it’s extremely unlikely I would find someone if I “don’t go looking for it” or “when I least expect it” but tend to hear people saying it a lot, I haven’t “gone looking for it” in 6 years and haven’t met anyone as I don’t really have the opportunity, has someone actually met someone when they least expect it? Surely you have to out yourself out there? Is this just something people say or is there any truth to it?

OP posts:
Allelbowsandtoes · 02/12/2022 17:56

I think when people say this what they mean is keep being independent and doing your thing, don't be too focused on finding a partner. Which is great advice but like you say, if you don't go looking for it, its hard to find!
There's a reason why online dating and suchlike is so popular - its because it can be hard to meet people, especially I'd you're a single parent.

I say don't be afraid to put yourself out there if you want to!

TheSnootiestFox · 02/12/2022 18:01

My mother used to say this to me when I was young. Now as a 50 year old, I can confirm that it never happened and I ended up settling and having a crap marriage, because all the decent blokes were nabbed by girls who put themselves out there ruthlessly. Not making that mistake again!

Alaldlccmemsjzja · 02/12/2022 18:02

tbh I think it’s just something people say because they don’t know what else to say

PortiasBiscuit · 02/12/2022 18:17

Yeah, I listened to that shit for eight years, then I met my husband through a dating agency.

Lengokengo · 02/12/2022 18:23

I heard this for years. Thing was I was very independent, socially active, busy busy busy, so was ‘putting myself out there and, given my disappointing experiences really was ‘least expecting it. For years. There was literally never a day when I WAS expecting it.

anyways, met my husband when I was 35. My expectations hadn’t changed above ‘least’ in over a decade.

Marineboy67 · 02/12/2022 18:24

Absolute rubbish....if you want anything in life including finding a partner you have to go out and get it. It won't just arrive on your doorstep. Don't listen to witless wisdom!

statetrooperstacey · 02/12/2022 18:25

Yes I believe it, happened to me, more than once! But you do have to actually interact with people and not blow someone off because you don’t like their shoes or they used a word you didn’t like. however this was years ago when people actually spoke to strangers and looked around them when in public . My DH literally turned up at my door one day!😁

glamourousindierockandroll · 02/12/2022 18:27

It's correct that everyone should live their life to the fullest and not exist in limbo because they haven't met the love of their life. However, that's not to say that you can't go looking for someone as well.

Coffeepot72 · 02/12/2022 18:29

It won't just arrive on your doorstep

My DH literally turned up on my doorstep. Although I accept this is unusual!

JamSandle · 02/12/2022 18:29

I think there's some truth to it but I also agree with those saying if you want something you have to be active in the pursuit of it. It's a bit of both I think.

ScrappyCats · 02/12/2022 18:30

I think it’s a lot of nonsense.

When I met my DH I was very much “looking” for the right person and was quite open about it. It’s okay to want a healthy romantic, and sexual, relationship and doing so doesn’t mean you are a feckless mother who needs to ‘concentrate on her DC’ or that you are desperate or somehow defective because you would like to meet someone.

If someone was unemployed then you wouldn’t suggest to them “don’t go looking” or tell them just to learn to love themselves and then the right job would find them.

But a good partner brings far more to your life than any particular job does (and will hopefully be around for longer if you make a long term commitment!)

ScrappyCats · 02/12/2022 18:31

Need to know more @Coffeepot72 !

GreyTS · 02/12/2022 18:34

statetrooperstacey · 02/12/2022 18:25

Yes I believe it, happened to me, more than once! But you do have to actually interact with people and not blow someone off because you don’t like their shoes or they used a word you didn’t like. however this was years ago when people actually spoke to strangers and looked around them when in public . My DH literally turned up at my door one day!😁

Haha, I actually turned up on my current bf's door one evening 3 years ago, I was dropping something off to his mum and he opened the door. But yes op you have to put yourself out there, of course don't put your life on hold waiting for a partner but it's not a weakness to want to meet someone

Coffeepot72 · 02/12/2022 18:38

@ScrappyCats i had just moved into a new house and needed a builder. This was back in the days of Yellow Pages (!) so I called someone out, he arrived at my house and we got married nearly 3 years later!

So maybe Yellow Pages was more use than online dating in those days!

RaininSummer · 02/12/2022 18:38

Well you can't stay at home all the time and expect it to happen but if you get out and about and join in with things you may well meet somebody.

Eixample · 02/12/2022 18:40

I think it works well in your twenties. Later, as you say, you need to be more proactive

Zanatdy · 02/12/2022 18:41

I don’t really believe this. I’ve been single for 10yrs plus though, and I’ve been asking my colleague a lot about her OLD experiences lately as I was thinking I could do with some of the excitement she’s got in her life from going on dates, but couldn’t face it. I decided to think about it until the new year. 2days later an ex colleague was in the building and we had a hug and I said I’d missed him (I had, we always had a spark and I knew he was divorced). Didn’t think much of it when he said he would email me but 2hrs later we had a drink planned, now a week later we have arranged a proper date! I’m excited, feels good to have some excitement in my life again.

I do think though as a single mum it’s hard to find someone, I work but by my age (mid 40’s) everyone is taken or not my type at all.

JamSandle · 02/12/2022 18:42

I must say I've always met partners totally unexpectedly and randomly but then I've never planned for marriage or babies and so there was never a particular search for anything.

CallmeCath · 02/12/2022 18:44

"@SpinningFloppa I haven’t “gone looking for it” in 6 years and haven’t met anyone as I don’t really have the opportunity,"

Herein lies your problem Op. You need to CREATE opportunity- by hobbies, gym, friendship group's, nights out, work and colleague friendships. What they mean is do not go looking for THAT person as , with kindness, it kind of reeks of desperation. It does usually happen when you least expect it and largely will be around your confidence and independence. But, not if you are not putting yourself out there in the world. They are not just going to knock on your front door, you have to get out there and be involved in many things.

As a single parent i appreciate this may be difficult for you but you need to make time for yourself and do activities away from the home. Budget money aside for you to do, join and attend things. The more people you are around the greater the chance of you meeting someone. Colleague's are also great for nights out at this time of year. Widen your social circle and invest in yourself.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 18:46

CallmeCath · 02/12/2022 18:44

"@SpinningFloppa I haven’t “gone looking for it” in 6 years and haven’t met anyone as I don’t really have the opportunity,"

Herein lies your problem Op. You need to CREATE opportunity- by hobbies, gym, friendship group's, nights out, work and colleague friendships. What they mean is do not go looking for THAT person as , with kindness, it kind of reeks of desperation. It does usually happen when you least expect it and largely will be around your confidence and independence. But, not if you are not putting yourself out there in the world. They are not just going to knock on your front door, you have to get out there and be involved in many things.

As a single parent i appreciate this may be difficult for you but you need to make time for yourself and do activities away from the home. Budget money aside for you to do, join and attend things. The more people you are around the greater the chance of you meeting someone. Colleague's are also great for nights out at this time of year. Widen your social circle and invest in yourself.

Nope don’t do any of those! I don’t have much of a social life, surely OLD wouldn’t be so popular if it was so easy to meet someone irl? Men don’t approach me in the street, they use to when I was younger but not now.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 02/12/2022 18:54

I moved to London age 27 to find a better standard of husband. Totally worked.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 18:55

I live in London 🤣

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2022 19:11

Total rubbish.
Even in your twenties, somebody has to ask the other one out. They can't both be 'not looking for anyone'!

MadameDe · 02/12/2022 19:11

I agree with the sentiment of not building your life around finding a partner. That's how I've always ended up in awful relationships. I met my current partner when I was at a point of loving life and didn't even want anyone. It's the best relationship I've ever had.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/12/2022 19:13

No this is rubbish. Its a numbers game. Keep trying!