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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

“Don’t go looking for it” “it will happen when you least expect it”

96 replies

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 17:50

Does anyone else hear this a lot? I’m a single mum so it’s extremely unlikely I would find someone if I “don’t go looking for it” or “when I least expect it” but tend to hear people saying it a lot, I haven’t “gone looking for it” in 6 years and haven’t met anyone as I don’t really have the opportunity, has someone actually met someone when they least expect it? Surely you have to out yourself out there? Is this just something people say or is there any truth to it?

OP posts:
CallmeCath · 02/12/2022 21:54

"@SpinningFloppa Nope don’t do any of those! I don’t have much of a social life, surely OLD wouldn’t be so popular if it was so easy to meet someone irl? Men don’t approach me in the street, they use to when I was younger but not now".

Op, this is so heartbreaking. Men do not need to approach you in the street , that is all kinds of wrong. I really do not know what to say. I hope others will be here to guide you.

You need to make your life more full. With kindness, i do not think OLD will find your prince.

NaughtyKnee · 02/12/2022 21:54

I met DH when I was decidedly off men and strictly out for a women only night out.

I think you need to be out and about to meet people, but not demonstrably looking, better to be coming into contact with lots of people and enjoying life by doing things you enjoy IMO, but obviously you're not going to meet someone if you're always home alone.

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 21:57

It’s the “it will happen when you least expect it” erm no it won’t

But it might. How do you know it won't happen tomorrow or next week? How do you know you won't slip off a curb and Mr Perfect will just happen to stick his arm out to stop you falling in the road, or if you might knock a jam jar off a shelf in a supermarket and Mr Perfect will break its fall?

Just because you're feeling a bit defeated and have waited a long time, doesn't change the fact that people who are happy in their single lives and aren't obsessed with finding a partner are the best placed people to build successful relationships when Mr/s Perfect turns up.

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 21:59

CallmeCath · 02/12/2022 21:54

"@SpinningFloppa Nope don’t do any of those! I don’t have much of a social life, surely OLD wouldn’t be so popular if it was so easy to meet someone irl? Men don’t approach me in the street, they use to when I was younger but not now".

Op, this is so heartbreaking. Men do not need to approach you in the street , that is all kinds of wrong. I really do not know what to say. I hope others will be here to guide you.

You need to make your life more full. With kindness, i do not think OLD will find your prince.

What’s heartbreaking? Bit dramatic! I’m not saying men should approach me in the streets! Im glad that no longer happens! Im saying they use to when I was younger and even people on here are suggesting I may meet “mr right” walking down the streets.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/12/2022 21:59

It’s bullshit
OLD
or Join a gym and accept every invitation

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 22:01

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 21:57

It’s the “it will happen when you least expect it” erm no it won’t

But it might. How do you know it won't happen tomorrow or next week? How do you know you won't slip off a curb and Mr Perfect will just happen to stick his arm out to stop you falling in the road, or if you might knock a jam jar off a shelf in a supermarket and Mr Perfect will break its fall?

Just because you're feeling a bit defeated and have waited a long time, doesn't change the fact that people who are happy in their single lives and aren't obsessed with finding a partner are the best placed people to build successful relationships when Mr/s Perfect turns up.

I wouldn’t entertain a man whilst walking down the streets or in a supermarket as I find that kind of approach unattractive but that doesn’t happen anymore now I’m older but if it did it would make me feel uncomfortable I don’t want men trying to chat me up when I’m walking down the streets or doing my shopping etc

OP posts:
ArrrMeHearties · 02/12/2022 22:03

I didn't look for a relationship and I'm now 2yrs engaged to my best friend and I was a single mum. Now pregnant with our 2nd baby

momtoboys · 02/12/2022 22:05

That is the way it happened for me. I know it sounds daft but it really did.

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 22:07

ArrrMeHearties · 02/12/2022 22:03

I didn't look for a relationship and I'm now 2yrs engaged to my best friend and I was a single mum. Now pregnant with our 2nd baby

aww that’s nice, sadly no male friends, certainly none I would be interested in anyway.

I don’t go to night clubs or nights out etc don’t have anyone to go with use to when I was younger and met men that way but now that’s not an option.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/12/2022 22:08

I think it can mean that sometimes it's the most unexpected person too. People often think they could only be with someone who met certain criteria, then find they end up happily with someone totally different because they gave them a chance/became friends. This happened to me.

Thinkingswillbebetter · 02/12/2022 22:32

For me, the more accurate version is: “Don’t go looking for it” “it will happen when you are happiest with yourself".

It happened a few times, I met someone when I was just very happy with my life.

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 22:36

You're defeatist, OP. Mr Perfect isn't going to put his arm out to stop you falling in front of a bus, and then issue you with an oily 'Hey babe, what's your number..?'

How do you think people meet usually? It's mostly at work, where people are simply put in the same place at the same time, and someone seems really nice. Nobody has to 'chat anyone up'. But it's perfectly possible that you could get talking to someone, isn't it, in some random way? Someone who isn't letching, and is just a decent bloke on his break from work or picking up some pasta in the shop? It does happen. I know a woman who met her husband in a pub car park. He'd had one too many and had fallen into the hedge! They're so happy, years on. I know a couple who met in Sainsbury's, and had their first child 9 months and 2 weeks later; she's 22 now, and they're still always happy.

I met my partner through OLD, but I only logged on to terminate my subscription because the whole year I'd paid for had been useless and I didn't want the company emailing me or charging me again. My partner had logged on to use the 'hide profile' function, having had a similar experience and lost interest.

It happens all over the place all the time. It happens when people have been single for a month, a year, 5 years, 10 year, all their adult life into their 60s. It just happens, and the more people you meet, the more likely it is to happen. If you meet people who are desperate to date, then they have a greater chance of not being ideal partners, because they dislike life alone, and if they don't like spending their time with just them, why would you?

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 22:46

As I said that happened to me when I was younger, it doesn’t happen now men don’t approach me out and about and haven’t in the last 5/6 years, not sure why saying it’s not going to happen that way is defeatist it hasn’t happened in the last 6 years! If I want to meet someone I would have to physically go looking for it rather than hoping I will bump into a man in tescos, it hasn’t happened in all this time and most people seem to meet online these days from what I can see.

OP posts:
Thinkingswillbebetter · 02/12/2022 22:46

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 22:36

You're defeatist, OP. Mr Perfect isn't going to put his arm out to stop you falling in front of a bus, and then issue you with an oily 'Hey babe, what's your number..?'

How do you think people meet usually? It's mostly at work, where people are simply put in the same place at the same time, and someone seems really nice. Nobody has to 'chat anyone up'. But it's perfectly possible that you could get talking to someone, isn't it, in some random way? Someone who isn't letching, and is just a decent bloke on his break from work or picking up some pasta in the shop? It does happen. I know a woman who met her husband in a pub car park. He'd had one too many and had fallen into the hedge! They're so happy, years on. I know a couple who met in Sainsbury's, and had their first child 9 months and 2 weeks later; she's 22 now, and they're still always happy.

I met my partner through OLD, but I only logged on to terminate my subscription because the whole year I'd paid for had been useless and I didn't want the company emailing me or charging me again. My partner had logged on to use the 'hide profile' function, having had a similar experience and lost interest.

It happens all over the place all the time. It happens when people have been single for a month, a year, 5 years, 10 year, all their adult life into their 60s. It just happens, and the more people you meet, the more likely it is to happen. If you meet people who are desperate to date, then they have a greater chance of not being ideal partners, because they dislike life alone, and if they don't like spending their time with just them, why would you?

@Watchkeys -I really like the positive energy in your reply. However, will 'the more people you meet, the more likely it is to happen.' also means this person is desperate?

123woop · 02/12/2022 22:52

It's a bit of both really. I had a friend who was desperate to find a girlfriend and would spend hours on tinder etc getting down when girls stopped messaging him, or going on one date and not another one etc.
I told him to stop focussing on it so much and he went for about 12 months and did his own thing away from tinder and got himself in a really positive place. Within about 2 weeks of downloading tinder he found a girl and they've been together for years now!

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 22:53

@Thinkingswillbebetter

Why would it mean that? It doesn't mean 'the more people you date', it just means it's down to numbers. Person 3 might be the perfect person for you, person 1003 might be the perfect person for you. Where does desperation come into it?

Thinkingswillbebetter · 02/12/2022 23:08

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 22:53

@Thinkingswillbebetter

Why would it mean that? It doesn't mean 'the more people you date', it just means it's down to numbers. Person 3 might be the perfect person for you, person 1003 might be the perfect person for you. Where does desperation come into it?

emmm.. at person no. 3, no it is not desperate. But to keep doing it till you meet person 1003 - isn't this desperation? Maybe we have different definitions for desperation. To me, desperation=wanting something very much. So it is not really a bad word.

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 23:16

Yes, but if you're in it for 'meeting new people' rather than focussing on 'Mr Perfect', then you could meet 5000 people. You can be into meeting new people when you're happily married. Meeting new people isn't about dating or romance, but dating and romance is more likely if you meet lots of people. Like being a dog doesn't mean being an Alsatian, but the more dogs you meet, the more likely one will be to be an Alsatian. Liking to meet lots of dogs doesn't mean you're desperate for Alsatians.

Thinkingswillbebetter · 02/12/2022 23:28

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 23:16

Yes, but if you're in it for 'meeting new people' rather than focussing on 'Mr Perfect', then you could meet 5000 people. You can be into meeting new people when you're happily married. Meeting new people isn't about dating or romance, but dating and romance is more likely if you meet lots of people. Like being a dog doesn't mean being an Alsatian, but the more dogs you meet, the more likely one will be to be an Alsatian. Liking to meet lots of dogs doesn't mean you're desperate for Alsatians.

@Watchkeys
I got it and agree. Thank you.

Comedycook · 03/12/2022 09:26

Just think, if you wanted a job, would you look for one, or would you just hope that eventually someone will notice you want one and offer you a job?

Watchkeys · 03/12/2022 09:29

@Comedycook

Jobs and relationships aren't comparable, really, because by and large, we have to have a job. If you feel that way about being in a relationship, you're not psychologically healthy.

SoonToBeSwedeyMummy · 03/12/2022 09:36

I was in a very long term relationship with a manipulative a**hole. In early 2021 we broke up and it took me a whole year just for me to feel like me again.

Late summer I decided I was ready for the next step, ie casual sex. I absolutely was not looking for a relationship but orgasms not initiated by myself would be lovely.

So what do young women do these days?

Tinder.

I met a 'few' tinder dates, had some fantastic and not so fantastic evenings.

And I was very explicit about just wanting sex.

Until I met someone whom I felt I could just be me around, didn't need to hide any truths etc, and we had a lovely date night and ended up back at his.

This has become a whirlwind romance and I am so glad I met him.

We're now expecting. 6 weeks. Very happy, both of us.

The future isn't going to be easy, there's borders and one of us is going to have to give up their career and move country but I'm sure we'll be OK. Both of us are sensible and want to look out for each other.

I wasn't looking for him and he wasn't looking for me, but we found eachother.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/12/2022 09:38

Happened to me, I was happily single off to university when I went out one night to the pub with friends.

Sat at the bar and started talking to a man. 15 years later here we are. Never expected it, was very happy to be single at that time too. It just happened.

Lemonyfuckit · 03/12/2022 09:48

People used to say this to me and I used to think well that's all very well but it's exceedingly hard to try and stop wanting the thing you actually want. BUT.....something happened which changed things for me (in my case I had an accident, not too serious, but it gave me some time out from work and I just focused on me and getting fit and strong), and something about having that unexpected period to just focus on me.....really changed my attitude. I felt genuinely happy with my life. I still actively pursued a relationship because I continued online dating but I felt sort of like I'm genuinely happy with my life so I found the whole thing just a bit more fun and felt if I meet someone I like it's a bonus. I hope someone could get in that headspace without needing an accident, for me it was just a bit of a reset, and I felt like it meant I was in a very different headspace when I then met my now DH. Best of luck OP!

SpinningFloppa · 03/12/2022 11:17

Thanks all, I guess I took it to me don’t go looking for it (OLD) and it will happen naturally, but my life doesn’t allow for that to happen 10/15 years ago I would have easily met a man on a night out (and use to) but I don’t go on night outs now a days and don’t have many opportunities to meet single men so without actively pursuing it I’m unlikely to ever meet anyone!

OP posts:
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