“Don’t go looking for it” “it will happen when you least expect it”

[SpinningFloppa]

Does anyone else hear this a lot? I’m a single mum so it’s extremely unlikely I would find someone if I “don’t go looking for it” or “when I least expect it” but tend to hear people saying it a lot, I haven’t “gone looking for it” in 6 years and haven’t met anyone as I don’t really have the opportunity, has someone actually met someone when they least expect it? Surely you have to out yourself out there? Is this just something people say or is there any truth to it?

I met my ex at a tube station on a last minute night out (and he really did just randomly start talking to me), I wasn't looking for anyone at the time as I was about to go to university and enjoying 20s. So it can be true that it can happen when you least expect it.

*enjoying 20s

"A job? Don't go looking for it, it will happen when you least expect it. In the mean time we'll just keep paying you JSA"
-- said no DWP Job Coach ever

My mom told me the same thing. I’m still single at 51.

It can happen, if course it can but in general, if you want anything in life, you have to get out there and make it happen.

I think it has an element of truth in that your whole life shouldn't be geared towards finding someone as that can become an obsession and lead to damaging other relationships and your own mental health.
I had a friend from my teens who became single in our 30s and her quest for a man destroyed our friendship.
She was only interested in spending time with me to have someone to go out with and try to meet men.
I was also single so I wasn't doing the smug married thing, but I wanted to stay in sometimes or do activities that men were unlikely to attend and it's not fun to go out with someone who is constantly looking over your shoulder.
I don't think this applies to you though as you are a single mother so unlikely to have the time or energy to become so single minded.
If you are ready to meet someone see if can start something for you once a week. From knitting circle to park run, doesn't matter what just that you carve out a bit of time to yourself in the week and your DC get used to Mammy having her own it interests.
Then get on Bumble (apparently much better class of man) and see what happens!
I met my DH when I was happy in my life and like a pp said he was a bonus rather than the point of life.
But I was going out and interested, just also enjoying myself and maintaining family and friend relationships for their own sake while waiting for my prince charming!

1. You were on a night out so going out and being open to meeting people, you weren't just randomly in the supermarket on a Saturday morning
2. You were very young, the age when most people are single

Exactly I think that changes once you get older and generally frowned on now a days for men to approach women in the street, if I met someone on a night out I wouldn’t class that as not looking for anything as you are probably aware men will approach you on a night out so subconsciously you are aware you might end up meeting someone at least that’s how I felt when I was younger

Oh this happened to me. Wasn't especially looking for a partner, didn't (and still don't) want marriage and kids, wasn't expecting anything. Plenty of casual flings happened without me putting much effort into looking for them and then the last of them turned out to be much more than a casual fling. The idea of dating ruthlessly and prioritising that above everything else in my life is total anathema to me, I didn't really care that much about finding a partner! But one turned up anyway.

It's by no means a science obviously, nothing about finding a partner is. I guess what people mean is that instead of "going looking for it" and obsessing over that one thing life has to offer, you should concentrate on building a full and independent life for yourself that will make you content with or without a partner.

Every time I tried to engineer or force a date or a relationship it didn't work. I met my long term relationships purely by being out socialising, bumping into them and we hit it off. I wasn't out or dressed up with the intention of meeting a guy it just happened.
When I was single, I was young and attractive with a smiley face and men approached all the time at work, uni, out and about.
I think and I don't mean this rudely I honestly don't I think it depends on how approachable and attractive you are. There are very attractive but intimidating with a bitch resting face and there are people who could try to improve their looks be it weight, grooming, teeth, dress sense...whatever.... or, hate to say it, just smile more!
HOWEVER, porn wasn't as big as it is now, there wasn't OnlyFans and TikTok girls and all sorts of filters that make men forget what a real woman looks and feels like so maybe my advise is irrelevant these days with OLD and social media....
So I don't know op, that advice 'it will happen when you least expect it' worked for me but I don't know if this is still a thing these days. I feel the face of dating has changed SOOOO much in the last 10 years.

Does anyone actually obsess about finding a partner though ? Joining old in the hope of meeting someone is that obsession? Obviously that’s looking for it but why is that obsession not everyone has a chance to meet someone naturally?

I think the best thing to do if you want a relationship is to actively look but keep your boundaries high. You can want a relationship but without being desperate for one if you see what I mean.

What happens if you have a resting bitch face and are quite ordinary looking? Are you destined not to meet anyone?

I try to be smiley etc when I am out but my style is not sexy. If i try and dress sexy, it feels like the clothes are wearing me and I feel less confident.

The dating advice, be out and about etc but not looking only works if you are thin, conventionally attractive and extroverted/confident. It only works if you are relatively young and are a free agent to an extent.

I am 50s now and married, however I never met anyone proper when I was out socialising in my 30s. I would just meet messers who are half drunk and out for the laugh. I never got chatted up in pubs, slighly more success in nightclubs.

I had to put an ad in the paper to meet my dh. At least in the early 2000s anyone answering an ad wanted a relationship.

I think that if you are older, ordinary looking and quiet, you may have success joining a group which meets every week eg volunteering/parkrun. Of course this assumes you have the free time to do this. I think doing this alongside internet dating sporadically (to stop you feeling desperate at the activity) may have some success.

That's because there are societal requirements on us to have a job. We can't just choose not to have one. If you can't choose not to have a relationship, you're not in good shape emotionally or mentally.

There are no authorities vetting whether we have a relationship or not, but plenty whether we have a job or not. The two things are not comparable.

The dating advice, be out and about etc but not looking only works if you are thin, conventionally attractive and extroverted/confident. It only works if you are relatively young and are a free agent to an extent

This is bollocks. Just because it didn't happen for you doesn't mean it doesn't happen. There are people on this thread saying it happened for them.

No, I don’t agree with that sentiment. I knew I wanted a partner and did online dating until I met the right person for me. If I hadn’t done that I think I’d still be single as I never met a potential partner at work or through friends or hobbies.

But it isn't about you and your experience. It often works. It works for many people. It's a healthy way to go about it, getting a single life you love, where you get out and do stuff that stimulates you and where you meet new people. It's a healthier way than sitting looking at a website, meeting people who are also sitting looking at a website, which hugely increases your chances of meeting people who do nothing but sitting looking at websites.

The fastest way to do something isn't always the best way, and what worked for you isn't representative of what does/doesn't work for everyone. It's like saying 'All cats have kittens: I know because both mine did.'

@Watchkeys I see what you mean but I did have a single life that I enjoyed. I had lots of things I liked to do by myself as a single person. I went on holidays by myself and to sporting events that interested me. I didn’t just sit in a darkened room doing online dating all the time. But I found it easy to meet new people through online dating and it worked for me. I wouldn’t say anybody else has to do it though - I was just answering the question from the OP from my perspective. I don’t expect other people to do the same if they don’t feel they want to.

I don't agree, people seem to have no problem randomly chatting to me when I'm out and about, coffee shops, supermarkets, parks, train stations,the gym. In fact it makes me smile, I once had a guy chatting to me, when I was out walking, about his new puppy (he was quite hot to be fair but had his kid with him and a wedding ring on).

I hate this view that men can't talk to women without being accused of being some kind of creep. It's a horrible view to have and I'm so glad there are still men out there willing to randomly chat to women.

It’s just what I see on here, people saying it’s creepy for men to approach women when they are just going about there business you may disagree but I see it a lot on here

Obviously just chatting and being polite is different to chatting someone up though