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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“Don’t go looking for it” “it will happen when you least expect it”

96 replies

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 17:50

Does anyone else hear this a lot? I’m a single mum so it’s extremely unlikely I would find someone if I “don’t go looking for it” or “when I least expect it” but tend to hear people saying it a lot, I haven’t “gone looking for it” in 6 years and haven’t met anyone as I don’t really have the opportunity, has someone actually met someone when they least expect it? Surely you have to out yourself out there? Is this just something people say or is there any truth to it?

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/12/2022 19:17

Coffeepot72 · 02/12/2022 18:29

It won't just arrive on your doorstep

My DH literally turned up on my doorstep. Although I accept this is unusual!

How? Was he delivering a pizza or something?

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 19:21

It might happen for the occasional unicorn, but not for average humans, no.

Took me 100+ dates over 3 years to find someone right for me and genuinely keen. And I was at the peak of my attractiveness, mid to late 20s, with no baggage and plenty of time to dedicate to the search.

But now that I think about it, i do know one special couple who met when reaching for the same book at a book fair, the lucky bastards...

CallmeCath · 02/12/2022 19:21

"Nope don’t do any of those! I don’t have much of a social life, surely OLD wouldn’t be so popular if it was so easy to meet someone irl?"

Good lord, OLD in place of a real world social life/life.

superdupernova · 02/12/2022 19:27

I did online dating but met my DH through a male friend. It wasn't a set up. We were just often on the same nights out together in a group. I had a boyfriend when we met. After a few months of being single he made a move.

Comedycook · 02/12/2022 19:27

It's crap advice.

JangolinaPitt · 02/12/2022 19:32

It happened to me.
I came out of long marriage and had zero expectation or interest in meeting anyone.
I had a (genuine ) hobby and a guy pursued me.
I did not reciprocate but he persisted.
He is unbelievably gorgeous and has changed my life.

crochetmonkey74 · 02/12/2022 19:37

Good lord, OLD in place of a real world social life/life.
Good Lord. This kind of judgemental patronising comment is awful.
Some of us have a real life social life but don't meet men there. Or, we live in semi rural places which haven't really recovered since Covid. So yes, OLD can be good as a social life

thejadefish · 02/12/2022 19:44

Ugh, I used to hear this a LOT and no it wasn't true.

Thepossibility · 02/12/2022 19:50

My DH only met me because he put himself out there. All his friends cancelled on a night out so he went alone, which is totally out of character for him. He was brave and chatted to a woman, which was a miracle because he was so shy.
He approached me when I was with my friends. If that isn't putting yourself out there then I don't know what is.

Coffeepot72 · 02/12/2022 19:53

My Grandma’s advice was to look your best at all times. Which I suppose gives you more confidence

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 20:15

I don't think it means 'Forget about looking', it just means 'Have lots of priorities, and take your eyes off of meeting someone as your only goal'

After all, if meeting someone is all you have in your life, what will you talk to them about when you meet them? Your recent dates? Do stuff that interests you, where you meet new people. That doesn't mean nobody has to ask anyone out @Gwenhwyfar , it just means that you're engaging with other things than finding a partner.

PickledRat · 02/12/2022 20:15

This hasn’t been the case for me unfortunately. I’m also a single parent and am either at work, at home, running kids around or occasionally in a supermarket. In a way OLD is good for my situation, it has meant that I’ve had a few relationships/sex that wouldn’t have been possible 20 years ago. People that find love without looking for it are out and about, meeting people. Having said that I would love to bump into the man of my dreams, until then I continue to navigate the cesspit of OLD.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 20:18

PickledRat · 02/12/2022 20:15

This hasn’t been the case for me unfortunately. I’m also a single parent and am either at work, at home, running kids around or occasionally in a supermarket. In a way OLD is good for my situation, it has meant that I’ve had a few relationships/sex that wouldn’t have been possible 20 years ago. People that find love without looking for it are out and about, meeting people. Having said that I would love to bump into the man of my dreams, until then I continue to navigate the cesspit of OLD.

Same as me, I’m either with my kids or going to the supermarket etc, hardly going to bump into a man in tescos! And men don’t approach when I’m with my kids (thankfully!) I have no social life I don’t go on night outs etc

OP posts:
LadyCloud · 02/12/2022 20:21

I think it's bollocks. And agree with PP it means do your thing and not just look for a man.

I think most people go looking now, internet dating wouldn't be a thing if it wasn't. I don't know anyone who met their husband over the lettuce in the supermarket.

If you wanna find a man you need to get yourself out there (in a healthy way of course) do hobbies, internet dating etc.

No one would say sit on your arse till the perfect job came along would they.

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 20:22

PickledRat · 02/12/2022 20:15

This hasn’t been the case for me unfortunately. I’m also a single parent and am either at work, at home, running kids around or occasionally in a supermarket. In a way OLD is good for my situation, it has meant that I’ve had a few relationships/sex that wouldn’t have been possible 20 years ago. People that find love without looking for it are out and about, meeting people. Having said that I would love to bump into the man of my dreams, until then I continue to navigate the cesspit of OLD.

But how would you expect to have a relationship if you don't have time to go out and do anything? First date whilst doing your weekly shop? 2nd date whilst you do your washing? I genuinely don't understand the 'I don't have time for a life so I'm using OLD to expedite meeting the perfect partner' thing. Surely if you have time for dates/ relationships, you've time for a life outside your parenting?

Weekenders · 02/12/2022 20:27

I think it's a bit of a cop-out when people say they aren't looking, or are focusing on their family/career, etc, while hoping it falls into their lap. Adults can walk and chew gum at the same time, so if you want something, take some steps to make it more likely to happen.

Try and have a more sociable life for it's own benefits and you'll automatically increase your odds of meeting someone. Good luck.

crumbsneverdid · 02/12/2022 20:27

I think it's more of a state of mind thing. Once you stop really thinking about it, and most of all feel settled and happy on your own; it does seem to find you. That's been my experience anyway. By 'find you' I mean when you're out with friends or work functions etc, not find you in your house! As you mentioned; you do still have to be socialising or amongst new people.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 20:30

crumbsneverdid · 02/12/2022 20:27

I think it's more of a state of mind thing. Once you stop really thinking about it, and most of all feel settled and happy on your own; it does seem to find you. That's been my experience anyway. By 'find you' I mean when you're out with friends or work functions etc, not find you in your house! As you mentioned; you do still have to be socialising or amongst new people.

That’s been the case for me though, I have absolutely not been looking a relationship in the last 5 years, it’s only the last year I’ve considered one. Didn’t meet anyone.

OP posts:
PickledRat · 02/12/2022 20:37

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 20:22

But how would you expect to have a relationship if you don't have time to go out and do anything? First date whilst doing your weekly shop? 2nd date whilst you do your washing? I genuinely don't understand the 'I don't have time for a life so I'm using OLD to expedite meeting the perfect partner' thing. Surely if you have time for dates/ relationships, you've time for a life outside your parenting?

Show quote history

True. I have a few hours a week spare, it’s not enough to develop anything deep and meaningful. A bit of companionship and sex is enough for now. Still wouldn’t mind stumbling across a perfect stranger though.

crumbsneverdid · 02/12/2022 20:38

Could you have been completely closed off from having one, while prioritising your kid(s)?

It's really tough, and I think as many have said before, luck does play a part. When ever it's happened for me I've always been really open to a relationship but also really happy on my own. And it has always worked. I've done online dating and wouldn't go back. You have to make room for it to happen for you, and go out when you can. Have you tried OLD?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 20:58

Yes I have been closed off but equally no men have expressed any interest but my point is I certainly haven’t been expecting to meet anyone and it hasn’t happened and I can’t see a way it would. Not tried old yet but I do plan to.

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/12/2022 21:30

I don't think this saying means that if you just go about your day to day a perfect partner will land in your lap. I think it just means you have to relax, focus on enjoying the moment and don't let meeting someone become a preoccupation, as it can come across as over keen, or lead you to make poor choices.
If you want to meet a partner you need to go where your target demographic can be found. Be that pubs and clubs, the gym, friends parties. But once there, you expect nothing. You enjoy the thing for what it is rather than as an opportunity to meet someone, and often it happens anyway.

CallmeCath · 02/12/2022 21:31

"@crochetmonkey74 Good Lord. This kind of judgemental patronising comment is awful.
Some of us have a real life social life but don't meet men there. Or, we live in semi rural places which haven't really recovered since Covid. So yes, OLD can be good as a social life".

Ok, i too live very rurally, not by choice. I live here pre and post covid , anyhoo, that is a whole nother thread! I still managed to get out there. Admittedly i am from London and have a huge circle of friends i still see there but, i work and I live up here rurally and , have made a whole host of new friends over the last 9 yrs i have been here. My work colleagues have been amazing . I have also made sch Mum friends. I live rurally thanks to my now ex husband. We divorced 4 yrs ago. I will be moving away from here back to civvie street in a few yrs when , my youngest has completed 6th form
but, my job has meant i am not really rural. My job and other avenues of life
friendships have meant i have never felt alone. They have sustained me. I get out and about and we have great nights, i meet people and, i host many get togethers. I also have a found a relationship at work. OLD is not something for me. It may be for you but, not everyone. Living rurally does not ordinarily preclude a person from other social avenues.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 21:34

5128gap · 02/12/2022 21:30

I don't think this saying means that if you just go about your day to day a perfect partner will land in your lap. I think it just means you have to relax, focus on enjoying the moment and don't let meeting someone become a preoccupation, as it can come across as over keen, or lead you to make poor choices.
If you want to meet a partner you need to go where your target demographic can be found. Be that pubs and clubs, the gym, friends parties. But once there, you expect nothing. You enjoy the thing for what it is rather than as an opportunity to meet someone, and often it happens anyway.

It’s the “it will happen when you least expect it” erm no it won’t!

OP posts:
loopyloutoo · 02/12/2022 21:51

I think this means don't be obsessed over finding someone, it'll happen when you least expect it.
Not - it'll happen when you least expect it so don't bother leaving your house or online dating - no.