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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lost it...

88 replies

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 16:10

Husband and I had a big disagreement over plans with my family. I told him i would say no to lunch this week but that there was a get together next saturday which i would like to go to. I want the kids to choose whether they want to go or not (they are 7 and 8).
Anyway he has basically said the kids live here and if I wanted to go it would be on my own.
He asked me to leave the room as he was working at the time, which I did but after I had shut the door he made a shirty comment. So I went back in and asked him what he had said. He then really lost it and threw a chair and barged past me while swearing at me. He has stopped out the house, I'm not sure where he has gone.
He has never really lost it like that before. I am now questioning whether I have pushed it to far, should i have just said I will go by myself and the kids can stay at home with him. I just know my daughter will want to go.

OP posts:
layladomino · 02/12/2022 16:14

Of course you did nothing wrong. You want to give your children the option to go with you to visit family. How can he possibly object to that?

Throwing things and storming out - has he ever done stuff like this before?

Jewel7 · 02/12/2022 16:15

I guess the question is why did he lose it? Why does he not want you to spend time with your family? No he shouldn’t have lost it but it sounds like there is more to this story. Maybe it’s a good thing he walked. As he needed time to calm?

IncessantNameChanger · 02/12/2022 16:18

Does he normally loose his temper? This isn't normal or acceptable behaviour.

ThatEdgyFeeling · 02/12/2022 16:20

This is a control issue. How you react to his return will be very important. It is not your fault. He chose violence.

Justcallmebebes · 02/12/2022 16:20

Why on earth does he object to you taking your kids to see your family? Do you usually have to ask permission to see family?

Choconut · 02/12/2022 16:22

Why doesn't he want any of you seeing your family (especially the kids?) There must be a huge back story? Your parents are nasty and abusive or he's a controlling arse?

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 16:25

IncessantNameChanger · 02/12/2022 16:18

Does he normally loose his temper? This isn't normal or acceptable behaviour.

He doesn't normally lose it like this, if I decide something he doesn't agree with normally he gives me the silent treatment for 3 days.
Honesty he thinks I/we see too much of my family - he doesn't particularly like spending time with them. I think he thinks they are too involved in our lives.
I have played a balancing game for years knowing he doesn't like it.
I think I'm just a bit shocked he has reacted like this.
I thought by giving the kids that was the right thing to do.
He will often take our son to football matches for whole days without me. Even past weekend DD was going to a party I asked if he would take her so I could spend the afternoon with DS he said no and they went off to a match.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 02/12/2022 16:26

What's his behaviour like the rest of the time, with you and the children?

Dodecaheidyin · 02/12/2022 16:28

Cross posted. It sounds like you spend a lot of your life dancing to his tune. Or walking on eggshells?

pointythings · 02/12/2022 16:30

Oh, so normally he 'just' gives you the silent treatment for three days...

You do know you are in an abusive marriage, don't you?

FrancescaContini · 02/12/2022 16:31

Why are you questioning your behaviour? He threw a chair! He chose to do this!

Wiluli · 02/12/2022 16:36

Your partner is abusive . In case someone tries to diminish his behaviour and controlling behaviour .

BuckarooBanzai · 02/12/2022 16:36

OP I'm sad to say that you are in an abusive relationship. I don't know if that is how you feel about it? I suggest you get in contact with women's aid so you can get some advice and perspective on the situation. Stay safe OP.

ICanHideButICantRun · 02/12/2022 16:39

He wants everything his own way, doesn't he?

I don't think you should ask the children to decide, not when their dad is a controlling man with a temper. It's unlikely they will choose to do anything but appease him.

barskits · 02/12/2022 16:39

Sorry OP, but I'm afraid that other posters are 100% right - you are in an abusive relationship. He is using the silent treatment, anger (and now violence) as a way of controlling you.

ChronicOverthinkr · 02/12/2022 16:45

Please reach out to Women’s Aid to talk about the behaviour you are accepting as ‘normal’ in your marriage.

Venetiaparties · 02/12/2022 16:51

What?! Op he threw a chair and pushed past you.

This is just entirely unacceptable. You can see whoever you like as often as you want to. It should be no issue, he does not own your time.

I think you need to start getting some proper support too. And start to imagine how this is going to feel and look like to your children? He is massively controlling of you and it is very unhealthy and toxic. Can you speak to your family or close friends about this?

Chooksnroses · 02/12/2022 16:56

Honestly, it doesn't sound like a very happy marriage. In your place I'd be looking at different options.

Sittingonabench · 02/12/2022 16:56

I think this is more about how you have both approached this - at some point you have both become defensive and made this issue a battlefield between you. That’s not great when it comes to kids regardless of best intentions. Also picking your time to have the conversation - I am short fused when my DH approaches me with home problems when I’m working - it’s distracting and often breaks concentration when you have to shift gear. However his reaction is unacceptable and he should never be throwing things or being aggressive.

Shoxfordian · 02/12/2022 16:56

He’s abusive and controlling: he shouldn’t be giving you the silent treatment or telling you whether you can take the kids to see your family

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 16:58

"He doesn't normally lose it like this, if I decide something he doesn't agree with normally he gives me the silent treatment for 3 days"

You are in an abusive marriage and therefore to all intents and purposes now it is over.

This silent treatment he is giving you is a further example of his emotional abuse towards you and in turn your children who will and do pick up on all the vibes here. He has now decided to go physical because he decided that harsh words and or silent treatment were not enough to get you to comply. He is a volatile individual both to you and your children. He is also favouring his son over your daughter and in turn teaching him to become just like dad. They are also becoming hyper vigilent to dad's moods and will also do and say anything to appease him. He really does set the tone in your home which is also no sanctuary for you or your kids.

Has he returned yet?.

Would you be willing and able to walk into a branch of HSBC
or Boots this weekend (both have staff who can help you contact domestic violence support services)?. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are also worth contacting too.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

JFDIYOLO · 02/12/2022 16:58

Rage + the silent treatment + violent physical outbursts = abusive relationship.

You - and your children - are in an abusive situation with an unstable, abusive man.

Please seek advice and guidance before he hurts someone.

slowquickstep · 02/12/2022 16:58

Why does he think he is the boss? He is a misogynistic twat. Don't allow your Daughter to grow up believing she is second best and men rule and don't let your Son grow up thinking men are in charge.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 17:01

Abuse is NOT a relationship problem and OP was reasonable with her request. His reactions were disproportionate to say the very least.

Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over both OP and her children. These types of men hate women, ALL of them.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/12/2022 17:02

This doesn't sound good OP. At a minimum keep your relationships with your family, don't let him isolate you.