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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband lost it...

88 replies

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 16:10

Husband and I had a big disagreement over plans with my family. I told him i would say no to lunch this week but that there was a get together next saturday which i would like to go to. I want the kids to choose whether they want to go or not (they are 7 and 8).
Anyway he has basically said the kids live here and if I wanted to go it would be on my own.
He asked me to leave the room as he was working at the time, which I did but after I had shut the door he made a shirty comment. So I went back in and asked him what he had said. He then really lost it and threw a chair and barged past me while swearing at me. He has stopped out the house, I'm not sure where he has gone.
He has never really lost it like that before. I am now questioning whether I have pushed it to far, should i have just said I will go by myself and the kids can stay at home with him. I just know my daughter will want to go.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 02/12/2022 20:51

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 16:25

He doesn't normally lose it like this, if I decide something he doesn't agree with normally he gives me the silent treatment for 3 days.
Honesty he thinks I/we see too much of my family - he doesn't particularly like spending time with them. I think he thinks they are too involved in our lives.
I have played a balancing game for years knowing he doesn't like it.
I think I'm just a bit shocked he has reacted like this.
I thought by giving the kids that was the right thing to do.
He will often take our son to football matches for whole days without me. Even past weekend DD was going to a party I asked if he would take her so I could spend the afternoon with DS he said no and they went off to a match.

This is abuse

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 20:52

You are also being financially abused.

pictish · 02/12/2022 20:53

When he says you’re brainwashed by your family, he means that you love them and they support you. He is resentful that you should have involvement or concern with anyone that isn’t him.

Ginger1982 · 02/12/2022 21:07

Bloody hell, it gets worse. He's emotionally and financially abusive. Get out now!

RandomPerson42 · 02/12/2022 21:12

He’s a control freak imho

barskits · 02/12/2022 21:19

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 20:37

We have our disposable money when everything is paid. I however don't have access to the joint account and have to ask him for the joint card when we need extra food bits, kids shoes etc.
I got a bottle of wine on the food shop last week and he wasn't happy about that!

Erm... a joint account at a bank would normally have two cards issued, one for each account holder. I'm not sure why you don't have one. Unless of course he opened the account and requested only one card.

Are you sure that this joint account is actually in both your names?

sianiboo · 02/12/2022 21:23

He sounds just like my father.

My mother and my father went back to my mother's home country when she was 6 months pregnant with me...my father was a 'ten pound Pom'. My older brother was born in the UK, myself and my younger brother were both born in Australia.

We lived about 3 miles from my Grandmother and 3 uncles (uncles were my Grandmother's carers, they never left home). My Grandmother had been in poor health since before I was born.

As a family we used to see them usually one night at the weekend, we used to attend Mass at the church at the bottom of their street ...and also attended the attached private primary school. One of the uncles, once we were all in high school, started taking us to a shopping centre in the city on a Wednesday afternoon after school...he'd do his food shopping while we spent the pocket money he used to give us. All of us used to really look forward to Wednesday afternoons...he also occasionally took us to the cinema, zoo, museums, etc.

My father convinced my mother her family were interfering, were far too involved with us as a family....my mother fell for his bullshit hook, line and sinker. When I'd just turned 14 we came back to the UK...my mother lied to myself and my two brothers, told us were going to another country for my father's work...and didn't tell her family either. She was totally no contact with her family for 7 years after that. It only ended when my younger brother had turned 18 and my father had left my mother for another woman...

It was only when I became an adult and talked to partners, friends etc about their childhood experiences that I realised the amount of time we'd spent with my mother's family was totally normal. My father was jealous of my mother and her family, as he was estranged from his own family. Even after my father left our relationship with my mother's family never fully recovered, and my mother was left out of both my Grandmother's and uncles wills. Our two cousins inherited everything (very wealthy family).

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 21:33

He never seems annoyed when I go for drinks on my own but he has commented before that I am brain washed by my family
I think he views the children as his personal property and you as someone whom he tolerates because you do the menial work to take care of his children

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 21:34

barskits · 02/12/2022 21:19

Erm... a joint account at a bank would normally have two cards issued, one for each account holder. I'm not sure why you don't have one. Unless of course he opened the account and requested only one card.

Are you sure that this joint account is actually in both your names?

Yes we used to have 2 cards, I'm talking 7 years ago. Apparently I spent too much money and I can't honestly remember how but my card was got rid of. I guess I could phone the bank and get another one.
Its defo a joint account I've seen statements.
Wow I'm just starting to release what an absolute mug I have been!
He hasn't spoken a word to me since the whole incident and is downstairs working.
Would any of you make the fist move or just leave it.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 21:37

Would any of you make the fist move or just leave it
I think I would be in 'pretend & placate but monitor' mode now, I'd have a written account (encrypted) of all this and would be waiting to see how it plays out if I leave him to it.
But really it depends on what it in the best interests of you and the children going forward

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 21:51

I'm thinking you need to properly investigate all your options and have a plans A + B ready well before he has any idea you are planning to divorce him, if that's what you decide to do.
If it is the case that he see's the children as his property & you as disposable then you'll need to have a watertight case against him long before he knows what you are planning.

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 21:52

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 21:51

I'm thinking you need to properly investigate all your options and have a plans A + B ready well before he has any idea you are planning to divorce him, if that's what you decide to do.
If it is the case that he see's the children as his property & you as disposable then you'll need to have a watertight case against him long before he knows what you are planning.

Wow this sounds scary, what do you mean by a water tight case?

OP posts:
movingon2022 · 02/12/2022 21:54

Dear OP it is quite fascinating how easily fooled we can be isn't it? What you are describing is very similar to what I was experiencing in my marriage, but I needed a therapist to explain to me that I was being abused, just like you, mentally, emotionally and financially. I finally left him after twenty five years of marriage. The thing is when we think of abuse we all think physical, perhaps verbal but this type is subtle and is hard to describe. I just felt so uncomfortable and anxious around him for years and could not put my finger on what it was exactly. I felt silly, most of the time and thought that I was just too sensitive. Until, like I said, I started therapy and she labeled his behavior for me, I did not know what was going on. My ex was also controlling our money; I had to consult him for anything I was spending and he would always go through my receipts and question me. I was very social but over time, I lost all my friends and all I had left was my sister, so he did all he could to limit my contact with her too. I honestly asked him many times, if he would really want to loose them too, because then we would be totally alone. He is estranged from him family and I am sure was jealous of my relationship with my sister. He too used silent treatment on me. Once it lasted three months.

I am not telling you to leave your husband, nobody can tell you that, and I know really well how hard it is to make that decision. I just need you to know that this is not normal and healthy behavior from a loving husband and father. Keep that in mind.

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 22:00

what do you mean by a water tight case?
broadly speaking that you'll be able to get what's best for you and the children in a divorce, that he wont be able to work against you, think everything through and get good legal advice etc.
If you intend to leave him in the longer term it might be best to placate him, dont openly disagree with him for now, but be clear in your mind that this isnt about you being subservient, it's about buying time for you and the children

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 22:08

movingon2022 · 02/12/2022 21:54

Dear OP it is quite fascinating how easily fooled we can be isn't it? What you are describing is very similar to what I was experiencing in my marriage, but I needed a therapist to explain to me that I was being abused, just like you, mentally, emotionally and financially. I finally left him after twenty five years of marriage. The thing is when we think of abuse we all think physical, perhaps verbal but this type is subtle and is hard to describe. I just felt so uncomfortable and anxious around him for years and could not put my finger on what it was exactly. I felt silly, most of the time and thought that I was just too sensitive. Until, like I said, I started therapy and she labeled his behavior for me, I did not know what was going on. My ex was also controlling our money; I had to consult him for anything I was spending and he would always go through my receipts and question me. I was very social but over time, I lost all my friends and all I had left was my sister, so he did all he could to limit my contact with her too. I honestly asked him many times, if he would really want to loose them too, because then we would be totally alone. He is estranged from him family and I am sure was jealous of my relationship with my sister. He too used silent treatment on me. Once it lasted three months.

I am not telling you to leave your husband, nobody can tell you that, and I know really well how hard it is to make that decision. I just need you to know that this is not normal and healthy behavior from a loving husband and father. Keep that in mind.

Thank you for sharing this. I think I know what I need to do it's just kind of saying it out loud. All of my family are very aware of it so it won't be a surprise. I think they are wary of telling me to actually leave as I think they think it should be my desicion without sway from them.
I keep saying it in head but I think people are right I need to get thought Xmas for the sake of the kids then make plans without him knowing.

OP posts:
pointythings · 02/12/2022 22:11

I'm glad you've had your eyes opened. As part of your plans to leave, make sure you are fully aware of the finances. He's managed to cut you off from a chunk of them, and once he knows you're on the way out you will not be able to trust him.

Username112233 · 02/12/2022 22:13

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, it's honestly horrific

I've just come out of a 16 year relationship with my abusive husband. No violence, just complete mind games and control. His reactions were very similar to that of your husband, we also have a 7 year old son.

I honestly thought his behaviour was normal, as that was all I knew. It quickly escalated after we split up with threats to take my son from me,implying i was an unfit mum and him telling me to use my money to buy him out rather than use a solicitor.

He crossed a line one night with our son and I went to the police. I'd been documenting incidents since last year, and had all the texts and had been recording his calls. I honestly thought the police would laugh at me and say I was being dramatic (like he would say). They soon established that was not the case, and it was domestic abuse. They called him into the police station and he's stayed in line since. It was a weight off my shoulders telling them. Like PP have said and like the police told me, you need to break the cycle. It's not acceptable for kids to see that type of behaviour and think that it's how people should be treated.

I've yet to speak to Womans Aid as I just don't have the energy right now, I intend on doing it this week though.

Please stay strong. I will be honest, you've got a rough road ahead of you. His family no longer talk to me as they believe I have shamed his family.

I'm here if you want a blether Daffodil

Cornishclio · 02/12/2022 22:16

They are your children too so if they want to go to the family get together then they should. He is abusive as others have said and this is damaging for your children to be cut off from extended family unless there is a back story.

I would also get a replacement card for the joint account or stop paying into it.

Sadly your marriage is in big trouble if he is using the children as pawns and being financially abusive in not losing you access to your own money.

IncessantNameChanger · 02/12/2022 22:20

Op I'm so sorry, you deserve so much better. You honestly, honestly do deserve better. I hope you can find it

k1233 · 02/12/2022 22:20

It's ok to take your time. Use it wisely to get information on finances, starting with going to the bank and getting access to the joint account. I am sure banks have domestic abuse guidelines and should have procedures in place so that he isn't alerted.

Work out his pensions, gather important documents and possessions. It sounds like you should be able to leave things with your family but don't be obvious about it.

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 23:23

if you can anticipate as much as possible OP it should help you to deal with him, nip things in the bud, make it less messy for all of you
others peoples accounts of how things went with men of similar character are a good resource I'm thinking

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 02/12/2022 23:34

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 22:08

Thank you for sharing this. I think I know what I need to do it's just kind of saying it out loud. All of my family are very aware of it so it won't be a surprise. I think they are wary of telling me to actually leave as I think they think it should be my desicion without sway from them.
I keep saying it in head but I think people are right I need to get thought Xmas for the sake of the kids then make plans without him knowing.

I understand the urge to try to keep everything together for Christmas for the kids

But you are now in the danger zone. He has escalated from trying to isolate you, along with financial and emotional abuse to physical abuse and violence.

Around 2 women a week are killed through domestic violence in England and Wales, and earlier this year this figure was rising.

You would be totally justified in leaving immediately, and if you don't then you need to be prepared to leave the moment he turns violent again. This is far more important than maintaining the facade of a happy Christmas no matter how strong the urge is to do so to try to keep things nice for the kids.

2catsandhappy · 02/12/2022 23:46

I had a violent abusive relationship. I tried to keep visiting family. One thing he said once, "You're not taking dd because I don't know if you will come back."
I was isolated deliberately. He would threaten that dd would not be there when I came back. I believed him. Long scary lonely years. With financial control and silent treatment.
I see all those things in what you have written.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/12/2022 00:29

He is abusing you, OP, and it’s not good for DC either. I’d leave him. ButI advise you to make careful plans first, including getting access to your joint account.

He may promise to mend his behaviour, but that’s just a delaying tactic because men like him don’t change.

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 03:29

You don't have access to the joint account??!?
OP: get out now!! And put nothing else into the joint account!