Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lost it...

88 replies

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 16:10

Husband and I had a big disagreement over plans with my family. I told him i would say no to lunch this week but that there was a get together next saturday which i would like to go to. I want the kids to choose whether they want to go or not (they are 7 and 8).
Anyway he has basically said the kids live here and if I wanted to go it would be on my own.
He asked me to leave the room as he was working at the time, which I did but after I had shut the door he made a shirty comment. So I went back in and asked him what he had said. He then really lost it and threw a chair and barged past me while swearing at me. He has stopped out the house, I'm not sure where he has gone.
He has never really lost it like that before. I am now questioning whether I have pushed it to far, should i have just said I will go by myself and the kids can stay at home with him. I just know my daughter will want to go.

OP posts:
layladomino · 03/12/2022 09:43

I'm so happy for you that you have a close and loving family. It makes leaving so much easier when you know there are people who have your back, will support you, encourage you to keep going, and if necessary put a roof over your heads for a while.

You have so far mentioned financial abuse (he's taken away your card for the JOINT account), controlling you through the children, silent treatment, throwing things, shouting and swearing. There is likely even more, but what you've already told us is enough to see that you are being abused.

Please take that support that your family are offering, and start making plans to leave.

barskits · 03/12/2022 12:39

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 21:34

Yes we used to have 2 cards, I'm talking 7 years ago. Apparently I spent too much money and I can't honestly remember how but my card was got rid of. I guess I could phone the bank and get another one.
Its defo a joint account I've seen statements.
Wow I'm just starting to release what an absolute mug I have been!
He hasn't spoken a word to me since the whole incident and is downstairs working.
Would any of you make the fist move or just leave it.

Show quote history

"Apparently I spent too much money"

Says who?

Unless you have a serious gambling addiction or you are obsessed with shopping and recklessly spend thousands (in which case I can see that a partner would need to keep a hold on financial reins), you are totally entitled to access that joint money. You shouldn't have to ask, and he shouldn't police your spending. That is financial abuse.

I suggest you contact the bank and ask for a replacement card and pin number. And don't tell him.

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 03/12/2022 20:35

I have been civil with him today arranging plans and things. It was the day we had planned to put our Xmas tree up though so the kids had been excited. Got though that but he hasn't even mentioned what happend yesterday.
I remember past things he said to me I keep things from him for example I say I am going to the shop but I'm gone for more than an hour and he just knows I have popped into my mums for a cup of tea.
I also do recall being anxious in the past about getting back because I know I will be questioned about where I have been.
He says it's because it's too much and we shouldn't have to see then every weekend, we should have some time as a 4.
I guess my last thing I'm thinking is if I have made it be too often to see my family?

OP posts:
pointythings · 03/12/2022 20:38

Do you enjoy popping into your mum's for a cup of tea? Do your DC enjoy seeing their grandparents? If yes, it's fine. It is not your problem that he doesn't want to join in. He's free to stay home, but he's not free to use emotional blackmail to keep you and your DC cooped up too.

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 21:43

Got though that but he hasn't even mentioned what happend yesterday
is that because as far as he's concerned the matter is closed whether you want to discuss or not, in other words he feels his word is law?
Or do you feel able to raise the issue?

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 03/12/2022 21:50

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 21:43

Got though that but he hasn't even mentioned what happend yesterday
is that because as far as he's concerned the matter is closed whether you want to discuss or not, in other words he feels his word is law?
Or do you feel able to raise the issue?

I mean I could raise it but the response would be I goaded him, I should have known he didn't want to go. He would say he always has the same conversation!
I said to him a few months ago, shall we go to couples counselling. His response was well there's no point if you aren't going to change.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 21:50

Personally if a partner had behaved like that towards me I would NOT let it go, I would demand that he explain himself and apologise, however if you live with someone like that there is a constant low level feeling of threat and menace which tends to mean you don't feel able to call him out.
If it was me he'd come home one day and find me and my child long gone, you're not in the wrong girl, he's a nasty bastard and I think you'd be well rid

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 21:54

His response was well there's no point if you aren't going to change
what? Is that a joke? He refuses to admit any fault at all? He thinks he owns you and can do whatever he likes
Don't go for couples counselling, he'll just use it to mess with your head even more.

OldFan · 03/12/2022 21:55

He sounds awful @Pinklady98L and his behaviour was and is completely unacceptable.

It's great that you're close to your family and get on well. It'll be a protective factor that'll help you stay free of abusive relationships.... which is why he hates it.

Fleurdaisy · 03/12/2022 22:43

He doesn't normally lose it like this, if I decide something he doesn't agree with normally he gives me the silent treatment for 3 days.

So you can’t have an opinion that isn’t his? He’s abusive and it won’t get any better.
It sounds also as if he uses the children against you — another aspect of control.
Do you want to stay married to him like this for the next 10, 20 years?

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/12/2022 04:00

He is abusive but it does seem like you are far too enmeshed with your family, once a fortnight or once a month is more than enough. That you don't even have an entire weekend away from them and for you as a family is very concerning. I'd be furious if I were him, he and your children are your family now. However throwing chairs and giving you the silent treatment for 3 days is not on either.

You seem to be more about your mum and your family, and less about your home and family with your husband and children. You're married to your original family in thought and deed. I think you are both completely incompatible. You want to be living in your family's pockets and be so enmeshed that you see them every weekend. He wants a traditional nuclear family where weekends are strictly for him, you and children as a family. You're incompatible.

Regularsizedrudy · 04/12/2022 11:02

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/12/2022 04:00

He is abusive but it does seem like you are far too enmeshed with your family, once a fortnight or once a month is more than enough. That you don't even have an entire weekend away from them and for you as a family is very concerning. I'd be furious if I were him, he and your children are your family now. However throwing chairs and giving you the silent treatment for 3 days is not on either.

You seem to be more about your mum and your family, and less about your home and family with your husband and children. You're married to your original family in thought and deed. I think you are both completely incompatible. You want to be living in your family's pockets and be so enmeshed that you see them every weekend. He wants a traditional nuclear family where weekends are strictly for him, you and children as a family. You're incompatible.

Lots of people see their family weekly or more than weekly. You don’t get to decide what’s normal or healthy. I can’t believe you’re just glossing over the fact this woman is being ABUSED and instead choosing to criticise her for something that is completely normal.

Maybe she wouldn’t need to escape to her family so much if her husband wasn’t abusive.

Autumntimeagain · 04/12/2022 12:18

Get your ducks in a row OP, and get a card for that joint account asap.

I know you're hoping to get through Xmas before doing anything major, but that may not be either possible or what's best for you and the DC, so be prepared to be flexible about that.

Make plans to get your wages paid into your own personal account.
Get copies of all financial paperwork (savings/pensions/isa's/passports etc)
Have an emergency bag ready with essentials (just in case)

You know that you have family support ready and waiting, so don't 'endure' Xmas with him. If it's awkward or he's angry or silent, it would be much better for the kids (and you) if you just leave asap. (The kids deserve to not have to watch him abuse you or for them to need to tip-toe round his moods ! They deserve to have fun and feel happy and safe !)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread