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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lost it...

88 replies

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 16:10

Husband and I had a big disagreement over plans with my family. I told him i would say no to lunch this week but that there was a get together next saturday which i would like to go to. I want the kids to choose whether they want to go or not (they are 7 and 8).
Anyway he has basically said the kids live here and if I wanted to go it would be on my own.
He asked me to leave the room as he was working at the time, which I did but after I had shut the door he made a shirty comment. So I went back in and asked him what he had said. He then really lost it and threw a chair and barged past me while swearing at me. He has stopped out the house, I'm not sure where he has gone.
He has never really lost it like that before. I am now questioning whether I have pushed it to far, should i have just said I will go by myself and the kids can stay at home with him. I just know my daughter will want to go.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 17:04

What is he like re you and money/spending OP?.

Biscuits1011 · 02/12/2022 17:07

I’m going to agree with others. This is abuse. Get out, it doesn’t get better.

piedbeauty · 02/12/2022 17:10

JFDIYOLO · 02/12/2022 16:58

Rage + the silent treatment + violent physical outbursts = abusive relationship.

You - and your children - are in an abusive situation with an unstable, abusive man.

Please seek advice and guidance before he hurts someone.

This, I'm afraid.

Your entire relationship is toxic.

Can you leave?

Biscuits1011 · 02/12/2022 17:12

Also, I was in an abusive relationship and my now 9 year old son thinks that is the way to treat a woman and has absolutely no respect for women. That’s thanks to watching his dad for far too long. I’m out of it now, been out of it for over 5 years, but my son has had to have counselling and as he still sees his dad his view hasn’t got completely better. It’s horrific. Don’t let that happen to your kids op.

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 17:13

I have been coming to the conclusion over the last 6 months or so that it may be abusive.
I did wonder if I was wrong in seeing my family too much- prob see them once at weekend and I go for a few drinks on my own once a week after kids in bed.
I love spending time with my niece and nephew and we all get along great.
He doesn't seem to have the issue with me going on my own it's when I say I am going to take the kids.
I honestly think it's over I'm just scared I guess.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 02/12/2022 17:23

As others have said, this is abuse. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

I never used to think silent treatment was abuse either, but it's one of the most common tactics of emotional abuse. I find it quite chilling the way you specify "for 3 days", it reveals how calculated his behaviour is. Surely that shows you that his silent treatment is punishment for you disagreeing with him, rather than an emotional response?

His outburst was calculated too. He didn't "lose it", he was very much in control. His emotional abuse has officially escalated to physical abuse (even if he didn't hit you, throwing or breaking objects is still physical abuse). His abuse will continue to escalate.

Don't be fooled into thinking he was angry and that his behaviour is an emotional response. He's very much in control of how he behaves. I would encourage you to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand his behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 17:25

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

re your comment
"He doesn't seem to have the issue with me going on my own it's when I say I am going to take the kids".

He regards the children as his possessions so objects to you taking them.

re your comment
"I honestly think it's over I'm just scared I guess.".

You are right; this marriage is over because of the abuse he metes out.
What are you scared of?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown, worries re the children to name but three. If you can express your fears openly on your thread here this will help you.

CarefreeMe · 02/12/2022 17:32

Of course you need to make time for each other as a couple but anyone who has an issue seeing your own family is a massive red flag on its own and would have been the end of the relationship for me.

His behaviour is completely over the top and wrong.

Does he have an issue with you going out for drinks?

Is it just your family he has an issue with?

Why does he not like your family?

I’m assuming there has to be a massive back story here like your children are unsafe around your family which would cause his reaction.
If not that means he’s just a very nasty person.

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 17:43

Nothing wrong with my family all lovely and would do anything for the kids. He used to get on with them before kids came along.
I really can't put my finger on why it's like this now.
I'm scared of 50/50 custody (not seeing kids for half the time). Worried about the unknown and worried about finances.

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/12/2022 17:50

Here is a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's excellent book on abusive men 'Why does he do that': ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Have a read OP - maybe don't let him see you reading it. All the best.

Soothsayer1 · 02/12/2022 17:59

he cant tolerate not having absolute control, silent treatment for 3 days is extreme and this episode is a significant escalation from that
I dont know if the relationship is salvageable but if you decide it isnt I would stay in 'pretend & placate' mode until I had my exit plan ready

CarefreeMe · 02/12/2022 18:15

The kids will thank you for leaving that situation.

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 02/12/2022 18:23

I think he’s jealous of the relationship between the kids and your family.

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 18:48

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 02/12/2022 18:23

I think he’s jealous of the relationship between the kids and your family.

Yes I have thought this for a while.
What would normally happen in a healthy relationship if one person thought the kids shouldn't do something?
He never seems annoyed when I go for drinks on my own but he has commented before that I am brain washed by my family.

OP posts:
Axolotlquestions · 02/12/2022 18:56

He would raise his thoughts with you calmly when you have a quiet moment together. He would be able to talk about his feelings. He would be respectful of your differences and able to listen to your point of view.

Thoughtful2355 · 02/12/2022 19:10

abusing you. Keeping you away from family as much as possible, isolating you. Getting angry at you questioning his reasons.

newfence · 02/12/2022 19:19

He has misplaced issues, the best thing in the world for children is to have a loving, extended family.

Not everyone has that therefore your children are very lucky. I have a massive family and we spend lots of time together - everyone looks after everyone else's children and we all do things together.

Anyone who has family that wants to [healthily] be in their lives is very fortunate.

He's clearly insecure by the support you have from your family.

It's a blessing to have the involvement of your family and the only person with a problem is your partner.

beastlyslumber · 02/12/2022 19:47

He's abusive. It has escalated to him throwing a chair (at you?) and it will escalate further. Because it always does.

Get out as soon and as safely as you can.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2022 19:51

Oh OP. He threw a chair, pushed past you then walked off - out of the house, in fact, not telling you where he was going.

That would be the end for me. I spent years with a violent man, which I deeply regret.

Start getting those proverbial ducks together.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2022 19:53

Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 17:13

I have been coming to the conclusion over the last 6 months or so that it may be abusive.
I did wonder if I was wrong in seeing my family too much- prob see them once at weekend and I go for a few drinks on my own once a week after kids in bed.
I love spending time with my niece and nephew and we all get along great.
He doesn't seem to have the issue with me going on my own it's when I say I am going to take the kids.
I honestly think it's over I'm just scared I guess.

Don't be scared. Get help from Woman's Aid and do the Freedom Programme once you're out of this violent, abusive marriage.

You and your DC deserve better.

Livinghappy · 02/12/2022 19:59

He has escalated as I guess he has sensed you are getting wise to the abuse.

Do you work? The fact you have a loving family is in your favour. The children are older so even if he fought for 50/50 it wouldn't be long before they could make up their own minds.

gamerchick · 02/12/2022 20:05

Silent treatment is abuse and now he's escalating. It's just going to get worse OP.

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 20:07

Livinghappy · 02/12/2022 19:59

He has escalated as I guess he has sensed you are getting wise to the abuse.

Do you work? The fact you have a loving family is in your favour. The children are older so even if he fought for 50/50 it wouldn't be long before they could make up their own minds.

Yes I work fill time - I earn a decent wage - early 30k's. He earns significantly more though. I think it would be tough for me financially at the moment to go it alone.
My mum has said I can stay with her until I get sorted - she does have enough room for us.
We haven't spoken to each other since he came back. Not really sure what to say to be honest.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 02/12/2022 20:31

gamerchick · 02/12/2022 20:05

Silent treatment is abuse and now he's escalating. It's just going to get worse OP.

This op. This is an escalation.

Original poster
Pinklady98L · 02/12/2022 20:37

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 17:04

What is he like re you and money/spending OP?.

We have our disposable money when everything is paid. I however don't have access to the joint account and have to ask him for the joint card when we need extra food bits, kids shoes etc.
I got a bottle of wine on the food shop last week and he wasn't happy about that!

OP posts:
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