When you were good enough, and then when you weren’t.

[Dollhouse78]

Just that really.
DH and I together since teens. Uni, travelled, marriage, children to be told that he wasn’t sure he was ever happy and that photos of him smiling were just that, a photo. DH has been having an affair for the past three months and really likes the OW. He doesn’t enjoy my company anymore. Funny that considering I work full time, keep the house and do the lions share of childcare.
So confused and terrified at the thought of splitting my children over two homes.

@Dollhouse78

He's a pathetic little man who's the epitome of the script.

Midlife crisis: this is the script! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

It's really all him and not you.Don't done the pick me dance,he's a cheat and a liar.

Time to find your anger and book yourself a appointment asap with a solicitor who can't advise you on your legal rights here.Knowledge is power.

This is a horrible time for you, OP. I recognise the 'script' he's following, trying to convince you (and himself) that he was never happy with you, rewriting the past, and I expect he will soon start hinting that it's all your fault.

Many women on Mumsnet have been in the same situation and will have advice to help you. If it comes to divorce, you and the children will survive and you may well find you're happier without this selfish man weighing you down.

Sending you best wishes.

It suits him to rewrite history, because it helps him to justify what he's done. However, it sounds like your workload will get lighter without him, whereas he will be in for a shock - or she will and dump him when she realises what a drain he is.
A big dose of reality will arrive at his door, he's had it too good for too long.
It's hard on you now, but I bet your future turns out brighter than his in the long run. He's a fool who thinks the grass is greener, it won't be, and how they got together will always be a wedge between them.

The amount of shit and lies that spills out of their mouths at times like this is never ending. At this stage he has to convince himself that he deserves his "happiness" and to fuck with all the rest of you. He does not want to feel any tinge of guilt. He has worked for years for the family blah blah. It's a shock and it is scary but believe me in the long run you will be better off.

@Dollhouse78

Just start looking at starting divorce proceedings. Get legal advice.

He just saying he doesn't think he was ever happy to justify what he done.

A new woman comes a long it's exciting he wanted her didn't think of you or the children or his marriage vows.

He got bored of his life or felt stuck in a rut but whatever the issue was he could of sat you down said how he was feeling. I don't know if you were having issues overlooked things he said or done just put it down to him just complaining. Something triggered him but like I said a new somebody giving him attention and he just got lost into this. Leave him go to her.

You need to think of what next now is best for you.

Ah, the script! They ALL say this when caught, every single one of them. I seriously wonder if they learn it in a secret class at school!! Op, it’s utter, utter horseshit. He HAS to say that to you and himself, because the truth is far less palatable. The truth, which he will have to face in time, is that he’s a lying shit bag who has broken his vows, and shit all over his family, for the sake of a shag with a shiny new toy. It is literally nothing to do with you - it’s him, his weak morals and his wandering cock!!!
I’m sure there are things that could have been improved in your marriage, since no marriage is ever perfect, but equally, no marriage has ever been improved by some weak willed dick head sticking it somewhere he shouldn’t. If he wanted to improve the marriage because he was just so unhappy, he could have suggested counselling, date nights, getting a baby sitter and spending more time together - there are a million alternatives to the shit show he has chosen. And yes, it’s not a “mistake” it’s a choice - a fucking selfish one.
Find your anger here op and tell him to leave. If miss shiny new fanny is all that, he can go and live with her in their special ivory tower of luuurrvvvee. After 3 months he doesn’t know her at all and the excitement will disappear once it’s all out in the open and it’s not forbidden anymore. And, let’s be honest, if she is knowingly shagging a married man with kids, she’s a rancid fecker too……At that point, he will be back, crying, realising what he’s lost, blah, blah, which is the next part of the script. It will be up to you to decide what you want to do then. But, for now, repeat to yourself, hourly if necessary, I AM ENOUGH. Hold on, you will get through this xxx

Don't worry about the bit about him never having been happy OP. It's simply not true. I hope you are ok

My friend got this from her 38 year old husband. He'd been shagging a girl who'd done teacher training at his school and got a job there when she qualified. 16 year age difference. He'd never had so much sex in his life or been so deliriously happy. Until she dumped him for someone her own age and my friend had divorced him.

It's all self justification.

@Dollhouse78 sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m in a similar position just a couple of weeks ahead. Read “the script” that another poster posted, enlightening.

Be very kind to yourself. Get signed off work if you work and can, have real life friends to support you (multiple people, it’ll help you lean on different people for different reasons), journal, walk, exercise, cry and do anything in your power to get through each day. If you can afford a therapist, get one, they’re worth their money in helping you.

Have a look into couples counselling but considering what you’ve said, it might be to discuss an amicable split as opposed to the “why” questions you have - unlikely you’ll get much sense out of him.

Despite your anger and hurt put the DC in the centre of your decisions and discussions with him.

When you feel you can, start thinking practically - review finances, assets, savings, perhaps book an initial mortgage discussion to see if you could buy him out. Have a look at a mediation service that can help you split amicably to save money on solicitors.

There is a thread running with a few of us on at different stages of separation, it might help: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4648535-anyone-finding-their-feet-after-marriage-ended?reply=121952689

It's awful when they re-write history. Of course it's easy to explain and easy to understand why this occurs (cognitive dissonance/guilt mitigation, etc.) but the fact that there's a logical explanation in no way relieves the shock and the disbelief and the ground-shifting feelings.

AH op, I also had elements of the script with my exh. He told me out of the blue that he wasn't happy and wasn't sure why, which led to a couple of weeks of me wondering what I'd done to make him so unhappy, how I could fix things, etc, until I discovered he was having an affair with a significantly younger woman at work eyeroll

I know he was happy until he started an affair, so what he said to me or anyone else was irrelevant. I had known him for 25 years and his behaviour changed when the affair began. Of course it did, he was feeling guilt and probably scared to death he'd get found out (which he did). Ok, it wasn't the same kind of "happy" he probably felt with the OW as that was new and exciting and didn't involve bills and who was taking dc to their clubs but that's part and parcel of marriage. I couldn't and wouldn't even try to compete with that.

Turns out he got bored with that too though after a while and is now single after another failed relationship whilst I own the previous family home and am with a lovely partner.

So don't let him make you question what you had together. You know it was real and he does too but it wouldn't support his hard done by excuses for an affair to admit it.

Urgh, sounds like a narcissist script, rewriting history 🤬

It’s all so predicable isn’t it? This is a terrible time for you op. But you don’t have to be a passive victim that this awful situation is happening to. As others have said, do not do the pick-me-dance. Keep your dignity.

I guess you have to figure out which is the more terrifying - splitting up or staying with someone who cheats and loves another?

He's regurgitating straight from the cheater's handbook.

There's nothing special or wonderful about their affair, they're just too grim chests trying to justify the damage that they are causing to others by building it into something it isn't!

Believe you and me, he was happy, and he did love you, and this will come crashing down.

I'd really suggest getting yourself a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life' and reading anything which resonates on the chump lady website. It can really put the affair into perspective,

My advice would be don't get caught up in questioning his current narrative (it's utter bs). Get angry. He has put you at risk in many ways, he has stolen your personal agency, if you were still having sex he's taken your right to sexual consent.

This is not ok.

When we get caught up questioning why we lose sight of what they have actually done and do a 'pick me dance' whether that be begging or fighting to keep them.

He's proved he is no prize and he is not worthy of you.

You can't stay in a marriage where one is causing such harm to the other.

You deserve better.

You were, and are, better than good enough for a cowardly man who hasn't the spine or self awareness to recognise his self indulgence for what it is, and is trying to reinvent history.
He however is far from good enough for you, and in the long run it will be better for you that he takes his inadequate self away and leaves you free to find a better man if you want one, or a better life if you don't.
You have all sorts of pain ahead to deal with. Don't add to this by believing there's some failing on your part.

Thanks so much everyone for your support and kindness. Knowing that so many have experience this is so upsetting.
He packed his bags on Tuesday evening but is not wanting to come back as he can’t bear being separated from the children. Her husband has found out too and they have children so it’s really awful.
He keeps saying he has been unhappy for so long and he wishes he’d left me before children.

If this were true OP you would have known it. Not to mention he would surely have done just that when it was easier, rather than wait until now.
He just wants to present himself as someone who has sacrificed himself for years and now DESERVES his happiness.
There's probably also no small element of self delusion too. It's far easier to leave someone you've convinced yourself you've never loved that to acknowledge what you're really giving up.

Nothing more to add just read your post. You are strong, you are capable, you are seen. You are very loved. The past will hurt, but thankful for the memories.

Just pick ONE cheer leader, you are not alone. You are worth so much more. Time to chanel that energy and do something for you 💝

Are these twats programmed to chat this bollox? They all seem to know it instinctively!

Urgh.. another lying cheating low life. It amazes me just how many men suddenly realise how unhappy their wives ‘made them’, after having their heads turned!

That literally describes my H exactly!!

So he wants to stay in your home and you are just to accept his affair? Seriously!?

How do you feel about this OP?

I feel like utter crap. My family all think he is a ‘good man’ as his only vice up until now was the occasional golfing holiday with boys and a cycling hobby every weekend which took him away for six hours at a to me but you know, he isn’t an alcoholic and isn’t abusive. I’m starting to think he may have been. I used to be really confident, not the loudest of my friends but not a wall flower. Now I feel so self conscious, can hardly hold a conversation and just feel worthless. I had PND after my children and although I sought counselling and came out the other side, it was not due to his support although he will tell anyone who listens it was.
He actually got me and DH to drop him off at a city bar to meet her last weekend after a shopping trip. He told me he was meeting colleagues. The car was loaded up with Christmas decorations and a real tree alongside our DC and he got out without a glance back. I drove home, we did the tree and little did I know my DH hated me.

What a pathetic man. Does he not realise it wouldn't be such fun with the OW if he were properly coupled up with her, with all the accompanying mundanities of life? Idiot.

He doesn't hate you. He has just completely frozen his feelings and compartmentalised you and the DC, as his cold conscienceless behaviour when you dropped him off showed. He has made his mind up he wants something else (for now) and that's all he can see.
Please don't think this is in defence of him, its absolutely not. But I don't want to see you in extra pain thinking you're hated when that's so unlikely to be true. We don't hate people who haven't hurt us, but we act like we do when we hurt them.
I think its a good sign thst you're already seeing his past behaviour in a new light and recognising thst you were mistreated. Stay with those feelings and remember its him that is the problem, not you.