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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you were good enough, and then when you weren’t.

83 replies

Dollhouse78 · 01/12/2022 23:01

Just that really.
DH and I together since teens. Uni, travelled, marriage, children to be told that he wasn’t sure he was ever happy and that photos of him smiling were just that, a photo. DH has been having an affair for the past three months and really likes the OW. He doesn’t enjoy my company anymore. Funny that considering I work full time, keep the house and do the lions share of childcare.
So confused and terrified at the thought of splitting my children over two homes.

OP posts:
tinselterra · 03/12/2022 14:59

Dollhouse78 · 03/12/2022 14:00

I assume he thinks I could make him happier by being more like the OW - like to go out drinking, wear more make up, thinner. He says I am too good of a mum and didn’t pay him any attention which is probably true in that I am exhausted a lot of the time.

I got that response after I discovered my husband had cheated, except that it seemed to be instigated by his mother (and then agreed by him) that I had been the 'perfect' mother, with the tacit implication that I had not been the perfect wife. In actual fact, although I do not believe anyone is 'perfect', I had been an exceptional wife, going above and beyond.
Do not put yourself down. When men become fathers they should expect that a lot of the attention that was previously on them is now on the child. That is normal. That is the way it should be. That is how parents raise children.
He's talking bullshit.

Bestcatmum · 03/12/2022 15:00

Dollhouse78 · 03/12/2022 13:34

DH wants to return home as he can no longer stay where he is staying; he says that he will look for something else but I don’t get the feeling he will.
He barely looks at me anymore and talks more to my family than me. I don’t know what I’ve done; he will say I’m a lovely person but he just isn’t happy with me and that I could make him happy but I thought that was what I was doing until he started cheating and lying.

Tell him to bugger off.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/12/2022 15:07

He says I am too good of a mum and didn’t pay him any attention which is probably true in that I am exhausted a lot of the time

Looking after HIS children while he swans off to whatever he does. What an utter bastard he sounds.

LeandraDear · 03/12/2022 15:16

Dollhouse78 · 03/12/2022 14:00

I assume he thinks I could make him happier by being more like the OW - like to go out drinking, wear more make up, thinner. He says I am too good of a mum and didn’t pay him any attention which is probably true in that I am exhausted a lot of the time.

Why are you repeating his lies? He is a first class cock. Do not let him back. He doesn't even have the decency to take blame for what he has done. He was driven to it - prick!

liarliarshortsonfire · 03/12/2022 15:25

If he want to come home, then fine, you can't kick him out, but you can then make sure he takes the dc 50% of the time, he can do his own cooking and washing, and the cooking and washing for the dc when it's his week. You are then free to take up new hobbies, join a gym, see friends etc.

What he actually wants is all the trappings of being married, without any of the commitment - errr no!

Qwerty234 · 03/12/2022 15:32

I’ve been through this. You need to stop clinging to him op. It won’t be easy and there will be a tough just run ahead. But separating only hurts once. Been cheated on, lied to, put down and humiliated will hurt time and time again.

Trust me, if you allow him back you will be in this exact same position next Christmas too.

Wibbly1008 · 03/12/2022 16:22

He is having his cake and eating it. Don’t let your kids grow up thinking this is normal, so they end up getting treated like c@ap too. End this nonsense, and when he crawls back - as they often do, tell him you never really enjoyed his company so it’s a no for reconciliation.

Wibbly1008 · 03/12/2022 16:25

Dollhouse78 · 03/12/2022 14:00

I assume he thinks I could make him happier by being more like the OW - like to go out drinking, wear more make up, thinner. He says I am too good of a mum and didn’t pay him any attention which is probably true in that I am exhausted a lot of the time.

Please get angry. How can you be blamed for being a good mum? He sounds like a man-child, he lasted five minutes on his own and the OW probably worked out he is not worth it and made excuses why they can’t live together.

frozendaisy · 03/12/2022 17:26

Perhaps if he talked to his wife instead of drinking and fucking elsewhere he might be happier.

Tell him fuck no. No more. Too much blame and cheating for him to be a "good man".

It's not your job to fix him.

5128gap · 03/12/2022 17:49

Do resist any urge to let him come back, and more importantly resist making any changes to yourself to make him 'happier'.
Not only on principle, but because, if you do and 'win' back the dubious prize that he is, sooner or later when the crisis passes, you will feel such a surge of loathing and resentment that he brought you to that point. You will look at him and know he wasn't worth it, and it will all be over anyway.
You've taken the first steps on this very hard journey. There is no point in retracing them to have to suffer them again.
Now you've got going, got a few more days under your belt, keep pressing on. There are plenty of people on here who are the proof their is light and greater happiness at the end of the tunnel.

beatsin8s · 03/12/2022 18:29

Don't allow him to move back in. He wanted this, it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. He doesn't get to come back, ignore you in your own home while you do all the housework/childcare and he continues to meet up with the OW (although I suspect if her husband also found out she may be working on her marriage and that's why he wants a backup!)

You deserve so much better Flowers

Crazypaving22 · 03/12/2022 18:42

PLEASE do not allow him to crawl his way back still speaking to you like this.

If he has to move back GREY ROCK him! Absolutely no discussions unless it's around the children or finances.

Do not let him near you to cause you any more pain. He should not be allowed through your boundaries to attack you with his pathetic blame shifting and down right lies!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 04/12/2022 14:13

As a child of basically the same thing don't shield your kids from the truth. Tell them why.

Mari9999 · 04/12/2022 17:03

OP, you describe your self as working full-time, cleaning the house , and doing a majority of the childcare. Those are all admirable traits, but they are not the traits that cause people to fall in love. If that were the case, people would fall in love with their housekeepers, and nannys.

Relationships have to be nurtured, and it does not sound as though either of you spent much time nurturing the personal relationship between the 2 of you.

Instead he looked elsewhere, and you confused domestic activities as an adequate substitute for working on the relationship between the 2 of you.

It may be too late to salvage your marriage, but it is not too late to become reacquainted with yourself as person who is not only an employee, housekeeper, and a personally invested childcare provider, but also a person with interests, opinions, goals, hobbies, and passions. That person has probably not shown up in your marriage for quite a while. The time demands of working, cleaning, and parenting are exhausting but letting this solely define you comes at a cost.

I am not excusing or justifying your husband' s cheating behavior, because an honorable man would have left and then pursued his next relationship. But when you say that you loved him, you probably were just content with the familiar and not at all acquainted with his evolving interests, goals, hobbies, and passions. The pain now probably comes from the loss of the familiar (not necessarily the loss of this particular man whom you may no longer know ) and the fear of the unknown.

However, this particular situation evolves, use this time to become reacquainted with yourself. You are a strong person , and you can manage all of the tasks ahead of you without sacrificing or submerging the various parts of your identity and personality.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/12/2022 17:12

Next time you have a chat, tell him you haven’t really liked or lived him for ages, and it’s such a relief that he has decided to make you both happy by pissing off. Then give him the bill for his supper.

pinneddownbytabbies · 04/12/2022 17:44

Mari9999 · 04/12/2022 17:03

OP, you describe your self as working full-time, cleaning the house , and doing a majority of the childcare. Those are all admirable traits, but they are not the traits that cause people to fall in love. If that were the case, people would fall in love with their housekeepers, and nannys.

Relationships have to be nurtured, and it does not sound as though either of you spent much time nurturing the personal relationship between the 2 of you.

Instead he looked elsewhere, and you confused domestic activities as an adequate substitute for working on the relationship between the 2 of you.

It may be too late to salvage your marriage, but it is not too late to become reacquainted with yourself as person who is not only an employee, housekeeper, and a personally invested childcare provider, but also a person with interests, opinions, goals, hobbies, and passions. That person has probably not shown up in your marriage for quite a while. The time demands of working, cleaning, and parenting are exhausting but letting this solely define you comes at a cost.

I am not excusing or justifying your husband' s cheating behavior, because an honorable man would have left and then pursued his next relationship. But when you say that you loved him, you probably were just content with the familiar and not at all acquainted with his evolving interests, goals, hobbies, and passions. The pain now probably comes from the loss of the familiar (not necessarily the loss of this particular man whom you may no longer know ) and the fear of the unknown.

However, this particular situation evolves, use this time to become reacquainted with yourself. You are a strong person , and you can manage all of the tasks ahead of you without sacrificing or submerging the various parts of your identity and personality.

What?

There is so much wrong with this I hardly know where to begin. You appear to be suggesting that the reason the OP's marriage is in trouble is because she didn't pay her husband enough attention.

I don't think she had the time or the energy. If he hadn't been swanning off indulging in his hobbies and sticking his dick into other women, perhaps he could have done his fair share of running the home and family.

Crazypaving22 · 04/12/2022 17:49

Mari9999 · 04/12/2022 17:03

OP, you describe your self as working full-time, cleaning the house , and doing a majority of the childcare. Those are all admirable traits, but they are not the traits that cause people to fall in love. If that were the case, people would fall in love with their housekeepers, and nannys.

Relationships have to be nurtured, and it does not sound as though either of you spent much time nurturing the personal relationship between the 2 of you.

Instead he looked elsewhere, and you confused domestic activities as an adequate substitute for working on the relationship between the 2 of you.

It may be too late to salvage your marriage, but it is not too late to become reacquainted with yourself as person who is not only an employee, housekeeper, and a personally invested childcare provider, but also a person with interests, opinions, goals, hobbies, and passions. That person has probably not shown up in your marriage for quite a while. The time demands of working, cleaning, and parenting are exhausting but letting this solely define you comes at a cost.

I am not excusing or justifying your husband' s cheating behavior, because an honorable man would have left and then pursued his next relationship. But when you say that you loved him, you probably were just content with the familiar and not at all acquainted with his evolving interests, goals, hobbies, and passions. The pain now probably comes from the loss of the familiar (not necessarily the loss of this particular man whom you may no longer know ) and the fear of the unknown.

However, this particular situation evolves, use this time to become reacquainted with yourself. You are a strong person , and you can manage all of the tasks ahead of you without sacrificing or submerging the various parts of your identity and personality.

OP's husband - is it you?

Seriously this is singularly the most victim blaming pile of rubbish I've seen on here! And I've seen some rubbish nonsense around infidelity!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2022 17:59

Op I’m so sorry
your post really made me feel your sadness

but he’s got the limerence and crush for someone else and it just must feel heartbreaking

who bloody knows what will happen to them

im sure WAS happy , he’s saying this shit to enable him to behave this way

your not the first or the last , but that’s no consolation right now

sending lots of self care your way x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2022 18:04

Dollhouse78

and , this is maybe bossy

it’s time to get selfish

kids needs care yes
but everything else can fuxk off

so he wants to see kids ? Leave the house
go to friends cinema gym
leave the house a state
grey rock that cunt

I have a strong view that PND isn’t helped by the man
seen it a lot

look after yourself and be SELFISH

and your family can fuck off
they want to defend that cunt ? Stop that right down x

Mari9999 · 04/12/2022 18:49

I don't think the OP was at fault, and I do think that the husband, if he was unhappy, should have left rather than cheat.

I do think that a woman who thinks that working, house cleaning, and childcare are the best descriptive terms to define herself has limited and marginalized herself as a complete person. If in the future she is looking for another partner, I would hope that she would not hold herself out to be an employee, housekeeper, and glorified nanny. Those are the characteristics that count at an employment agency not quite as much when you are seeking an interesting, vibrant, and exciting person with whom you might enjoy spending time.

It really doesn't matter too much about the husband, what matters most is how the OP recovers from this situation and how she empowers herself for her future.

Hopelesslove · 04/12/2022 19:26

I had a very similar situation, minus the affair.
married 15 years, 3 boys, worked full time and did the majority if the housework. Did all the life admin - paying bills etc.

Then was told 18 months ago he was leaving, didn't ever really love me, doesn’t enjoy my company any more, in fact doesn’t even really like me, and he’s moving out.

I didn’t get it at all. In my mind I’d done nothing wrong and in fact worked bloody hard to keep the family together.

18 months on, good riddance. My friends say I’ve never looked happier and am much more myself.
I’ve been on a few dates, had a few nights of amazing sex and am generally happy and optimistic about the future..

my point: if he wants to fuck off, let him. Concentrate on you and what makes you happy, be selfish and flirt a little. You never know what is around the corner and life is too short to be wasted on twats!

melissasummerfield · 04/12/2022 19:48

Mari9999 · 04/12/2022 17:03

OP, you describe your self as working full-time, cleaning the house , and doing a majority of the childcare. Those are all admirable traits, but they are not the traits that cause people to fall in love. If that were the case, people would fall in love with their housekeepers, and nannys.

Relationships have to be nurtured, and it does not sound as though either of you spent much time nurturing the personal relationship between the 2 of you.

Instead he looked elsewhere, and you confused domestic activities as an adequate substitute for working on the relationship between the 2 of you.

It may be too late to salvage your marriage, but it is not too late to become reacquainted with yourself as person who is not only an employee, housekeeper, and a personally invested childcare provider, but also a person with interests, opinions, goals, hobbies, and passions. That person has probably not shown up in your marriage for quite a while. The time demands of working, cleaning, and parenting are exhausting but letting this solely define you comes at a cost.

I am not excusing or justifying your husband' s cheating behavior, because an honorable man would have left and then pursued his next relationship. But when you say that you loved him, you probably were just content with the familiar and not at all acquainted with his evolving interests, goals, hobbies, and passions. The pain now probably comes from the loss of the familiar (not necessarily the loss of this particular man whom you may no longer know ) and the fear of the unknown.

However, this particular situation evolves, use this time to become reacquainted with yourself. You are a strong person , and you can manage all of the tasks ahead of you without sacrificing or submerging the various parts of your identity and personality.

OP please ignore this utter shit!

Wallywobbles · 04/12/2022 20:00

Utter bollocks.

Original poster
Dollhouse78 · 04/12/2022 20:05

DH may have found me unattractive and ‘unfun’ to be around but it’s very hard to pursue oneself and have lots of timely hobbies because who then would take on the slack. My DH would say he does equal housework etc to me but he’s out of the house sometimes for 12 daylights hours over the weekend and works full time, as do I, so I’m struggling to see when I would ever have the time to make myself more desirable. Where would I even start and should I have to?
Thanks everyone, sincerely for you advice. DH says he’ll work on us if I agree to only talk about 5he affair at set times and he can rest assure that the OW’s marriage will heal faster as they are more amenable than me.

OP posts: