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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you were good enough, and then when you weren’t.

83 replies

Dollhouse78 · 01/12/2022 23:01

Just that really.
DH and I together since teens. Uni, travelled, marriage, children to be told that he wasn’t sure he was ever happy and that photos of him smiling were just that, a photo. DH has been having an affair for the past three months and really likes the OW. He doesn’t enjoy my company anymore. Funny that considering I work full time, keep the house and do the lions share of childcare.
So confused and terrified at the thought of splitting my children over two homes.

OP posts:
marshamarsha22 · 02/12/2022 22:59

Have you told your family and friends the truth? Your family don’t have to live with your Dh or put up with his cheating, so it’s easy to comment from the outside. They will support you when you tell them what your life has been like these past 3 months. And you need support in order to think clearly and act with strength. You can’t continue to live like this.

Catsstillrock · 02/12/2022 23:05

Oh OP. You’ve got to get yourself some real life support. Who do you trust that really loves you that you can tell?

he’s a twat and he’s behaving terribly. And like so many men is externalising all his shit.

somehow they get the sense that they deserve everything and it’s fine to go and take it and never mind if other people get hurt because they are what really matter.

but avoiding owning or even considering their own part in it.

you sound wonderful and I’m betting that in the end you build a better happier life without him, even if that isn’t easy to imagine now.

Emptyinsidetothecore · 02/12/2022 23:05

@Dollhouse78 sorry you’re feeling crap. I really do sympathise with you. It’s a blow to your confidence, your role as a partner and your entire character - that how I’ve felt. Knocks you side ways with a whole load of emotions thrown in that you’re trying to work out (could I have done more, what if’s, guilt, anger, disappointment, grief)

He isn’t a good man. You know that? Trust your gut here and not the opinion of family members who think it isn’t “that bad”. This is the worse kind of betrayal and is a mess; it’s what you watch on Eastenders but it’s your life and you’re living it. Who are you talking to in real life to support you? You need people around you that can given you advice and also get angry and sad with you.

Original poster
Dollhouse78 · 02/12/2022 23:05

He cheated once before - between first and second child and he seemed remorseful. Said it was a one night stand. I told my mum at the time and she seemed to accept it - said that men see things differently and that my PND may have changed me as a person etc.

OP posts:
marshamarsha22 · 02/12/2022 23:18

But what do YOU want? It’s not up to your husband or mum or anyone else to tell you what you should find acceptable. Adultery is a deal-breaker for many, never mind serial cheating. He’s practically rubbing your nose in it by having you drop him off!

Pictograph · 03/12/2022 07:20

Don't let him move back in OP. The cheating is one thing (if he was remorseful). Telling you he's always hated you is unforgivable Sad

Crazypaving22 · 03/12/2022 07:51

@Dollhouse78 it sounds as though you rug swept the first episode of infidelity. He was not remorseful not even slightly.

I absolutely agree with @Pictograph this man is cruel and lacks any empathy or compassion. His comments to you are (imo) a deal breaker.

He is unsafe. He will continue to put you at risk emotionally, sexually, mentally and physically.

Do not let him back in the house and do not listen to your family about him being a 'good man' he is not. Do not trust him if he breaks contact with the OW he will be lying.

You deserve so much better, please believe it!

Londonnight · 03/12/2022 08:15

As others have said, it is very much a script for his own short comings! If he was that unhappy in your relationship he should have told you and moved out.
Having an affair makes them feel they can justify everything by putting the blame back on you.

This was me many years ago. We met when we were 15 and 16, married 22 years with 3 children. I got all the blame for his affairs [ yes at least two ].

You are better than this, get a good solicitor. It's hard at the moment, but it will get easier.

Summerhillsquare · 03/12/2022 08:56

Oh @Dollhouse78 that Christmas tree incident is heart breaking. You poor soul. It feels like you can't win, doesn't it?

I was also good enough (to support him into shiny new career) until I wasn't (begging him to just work 6 days a week instead if 7, more fool me) and I was disposed of. Ironically I've been vastly more successful in my own career since then - these men weigh you down and suck the energy out of you.

Get planning your new life ASAP. Take back control.

liarliarshortsonfire · 03/12/2022 09:05

He's rewriting history, 'never been happy etc', to justify his behaviour.

Look after yourself and let him get on with it. His relationship with the ow will deteriorate once it's out in the open, she'll get pissed off with his golfing weekends etc and no doubt the dc will be primarily with her.

Keep your head up high, lean on friends and family, he'll come back with his tail between his legs and you can tell him to fuck off then!

Smooshface · 03/12/2022 09:07

Agree, read all the stuff, i add "getting past your breakup" and i loved the audio books "how to heal a broken heart" and "what a time to be alone".

They rewrite history, they blame you, they paint a false picture for the ow. In a few months she'll be sick of his shit and he will regret what he's done to his life.

Get his stuff out of the house, get your ducks in a row, tell your friends so they can support you. Be prepared to him to do a lot of dumb things, things you couldn't imagine your lovely husband ever doing, just remember that guy is no longer here and has been replaced by some inconsiderate tosser who has no boundaries.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2022 09:14

Once you are over your grief your life will be so much better without him in it.

Trust me. I'm a single mum. Life is a lot easier without useless men in them.

cleanbreak2022 · 03/12/2022 09:31

I was there, this time last year, in fact my 'anniversary' is next weekend.
I promise you, you will get through these months. I won't lie, there will be tough moments. Christmas will probably be a shower of shit, i still entertained 10 people on Christmas Day last year, not sure how. You will find strength in the depths of your soul, and just when you think you've got no more fight, you will find it deep inside.
You will go through a roller coaster, it will be tough but you will survive it. Draw on all the support you have around you. Create a dependable and reliable circle.
My mum was the same when she found out, told me to beg for him! I never did, not once did I ask him to come back. He justified he affair by calling me 'toxic' and unloveable'. Told me he hadn't loved me for years. He had only known her 6 weeks when he came home from work one day and said he was leaving. My children we 7 and 15 months. The baby was napping as he packed his bags.
His 'relationship' is now full of domestic violence and a miserable existence.

FlowerArranger · 03/12/2022 09:37

Okay, just to recap...:

He cheated before.
Instead of supporting you after the birth of your first child and helping g you overcome PND, he went out and fucked someone else.
Since then he has been leaving you and his children for an entire day every weekend to pursue his cycling hobby.
Plus regular golfing holidays.
When do you get to have entire days and holidays to do stuff that enriches your life?
Plus, instead of helping you with your insecurity and lack of confidence, he seems to have done his best to undermine you further.
And now you get the script and the entire BS that entails...

You've kept a lid on this all these years, and now he has chosen to detonate your life. But do you really want that life? Maybe there is a better life out there for you?

Counselling will probably help. As well as focusing on the practicalities - don't let him take you to the cleaners! Take charge of the divorce process and learn about your rights to an equitable share of all assets. Get an experienced family solicitor who knows how to fight for you.

Oh, and look up Chumplady. How to lose a cheater and gain a life. Find your anger and use it positively!

Qwerty234 · 03/12/2022 13:22

If you are still sleeping with this man, you need to stop immediately or seriously put your own health at risk. How dare he think he can make a fool out of you like this. Get angry for your children, model how you should allow others to treat you.

Original poster
Dollhouse78 · 03/12/2022 13:34

DH wants to return home as he can no longer stay where he is staying; he says that he will look for something else but I don’t get the feeling he will.
He barely looks at me anymore and talks more to my family than me. I don’t know what I’ve done; he will say I’m a lovely person but he just isn’t happy with me and that I could make him happy but I thought that was what I was doing until he started cheating and lying.

OP posts:
Qwerty234 · 03/12/2022 13:43

You keep mentioning what your husband wants and thinks and feels…how do YOU want to proceed? How is it exactly he thinks you can make him happy, the poor sod?

It is glaringly obvious to everyone reading this thread op that your he is a terrible husband and has not one iota of feelings or respect for you op. Put yourself first and protect yourself. This will not get any better.

tinselterra · 03/12/2022 13:47

What does he mean by saying you're a lovely person and you could make him happy?

Original poster
Dollhouse78 · 03/12/2022 14:00

I assume he thinks I could make him happier by being more like the OW - like to go out drinking, wear more make up, thinner. He says I am too good of a mum and didn’t pay him any attention which is probably true in that I am exhausted a lot of the time.

OP posts:
username8888 · 03/12/2022 14:03

He's not worth it. Get angry and get divorce proceedings underway. Fuck him coming back. He made his choice so needs to go

Pictograph · 03/12/2022 14:22

How can he even think you'd let him come back when he is being so awful to you?

OriginalUsername2 · 03/12/2022 14:23

I like the idea of acting like you’ve lost nothing to his face - “Why would I want a weak-willed man? She’s welcome to you!” with an amused face. Let him see you moving on with plans and keeping social. And quietly plan to get everything you’re entitled to with your solicitor.

I think if you make it “easy” for them to be together it will suddenly lose all its exciting charm because there’s no more “we shouldn’t be doing this”.

Imagine down the line, when he’s a sad single man in a flat on his own seeing his kids at weekends and having to do all the cooking and housework and you’re quite happy with your life thank-you very much, off to enjoy a weekend with the girls or your new fella..

Revenge is a life well lived, as they say.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

category12 · 03/12/2022 14:44

Too good of a mum?

Christ, he's scraping the barrel for your "crimes" against him, isn't he?

Don't have him back in the house, he can sort something else out.

Find your anger. This is just him being an entitled shite. You're a better person, better parent and better partner than he is.

marmaladepop · 03/12/2022 14:52

He's done this twice and blames you. He does not love you. So sorry to spell it out, OP, but I've been in your shoes. You can get through this.

Bestcatmum · 03/12/2022 14:57

They are so full of shit when another woman comes along. My exH did this - suddenly there is another woman and it's all "our life together was shit and I was never happy". So you weren't happy for the 20 years I totally supported you then and gave you a free home?
Not surprisingly he wanted to come back when it fizzled out. I told him to bugger off - I said he hadn't contributed enough during the marriage for me to want him to come back.