DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

Yes I'd be interested too OP.

What do you want from this thread? Your answer will help us to help you. Leaving a relationship is very scary - we all know that. How can we help you?

Love your own self for a change.

I believe he targeted you deliberately and with a degree of care and attention.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I am also wondering what your childhood was like. It was probably not great at all?. You mention your mother but not your father; is he at all in your life today?.

So really, the only thing he actually brings to your life is that he cleans. You say he is your best friend and you get on great, but that seems to only be when HE is happy, no? If something does not go his way, he sulks or calls you names. Tells you regularly he wants to divorce!
Thats not a friend. Thats a controlling prick.

Imagine what your life could be. A nice little house, where you can knit whenever the hell you want, not walking on egg shells because you dropped something on the floor, how free would that feel? Hell, if the cleaning is an issue (I hate it too) get a cleaner in a few hours a week.
And imagine then meeting someone who doesn't pressure you for sex, kinky or not, and who RESPECTS you for who you are. And loves that you knit! And can also become your best friend.

While you stay with this loser, you'll never be able to meet that person. Or feel free by just being on your own!

None of his kids talk to him either. Surely that should be telling you heaps. he is NOT a nice person. He just pretends to be when it suits him.

"Financially fucked" is good enough for him OP.
He gets worse with every update.
His kids don't want to know him, his sister knows he's a freak, your friends hate him ...

He has some really odd ideas about women. Sounds like a madonna/whore complex. Instead of finding out what's going on with his DD who did sex work, he cut her off. He calls you a dirty whore. And don't even get me started on asking permission to knit FFS.

& yet you keep banging on about loving him.
I suspect that's a Trauma Bond, not love - www.verywellhealth.com/trauma-bonding-5210779

What happened after this @op ?

Yes it's over. God what a git. Making you feel unreasonable for wanting to knit ffs. Getting annoyed at you having the temerity to enjoy drinking with your pals. getting offended that his kinks aren't exactly aligned with your desires, and upset that sometimes you aren't well enough to service his sexual wishes. I can't imagine why you would want to stay with him.

You are young, you have plenty of time to make new friendships and new lovers. Get rid of him ASAP before he changes his mind and tries to make you forget what an awful excuse for a human being he is.

I actually cant believe this is real. If it is, RUN RUN RUN . Youre young. You can find someone who will treat you well.

What’s your dating history like OP? Do you often go for abusers? People that treat you like shit?

And your relationship with your Father?

there are clues we can pick up as to why we are allowing ourselves to be treated so poorly from our past.

Who told you along the way growing up that you had to give in to someone’s demands and people please to this extent to earn love?

Because this isn’t love OP. This isn’t mutual respect, kindness, admiration, loyalty, sharing future hopes and dreams and building something together.

This is a man who enjoys degrading you, women generally, to get off sexually. He’s disgusting. I couldn’t spend a single moment around a man who wants anal. You are far far out there on the sex continuum of what is “normal”. He’s obviously a big porn watcher, where else has he discovered these urges? You’re on a slippery slope with that because degrading sex can only sink lower, it’s how dopamine and porn work.

being lonely is better than being used for his disgusting degrading urges which you don’t enjoy and have to get drunk for.

Stop numbing and start living. Get some coaching to help with self love and self esteem. Get some psychotherapy to examine your past relationships with men.

put yourself back together and heal. There is a huge world out there waiting for you.

OP you are in an abusive relationship, your posts are full of red flags but you are in so deep you can't even truly see it.

He isn't your best friend, he isn't even your friend. He has done a great job of isolating you and convincing you that you are faulty, everything you do is questionable (your knitting, sexual boundaries, drinking with friends, your weight, crumbs in the kitchen) and that he's helping you to do better when in reality the opposite is true, he needs to dissect your personality, self-confidence and interests to break you down so you can't see the relationship or him for what it really is.

Look at it objectively - he has DC from different women and they ALL avoid him
Your DM pulls a zzzzz on him when he's around to avoid him.
Your friends don't like him
They can all see what you can also see but so far refuse to accept.

He has threatened divorce, but this is said in order to keep control and make you compliant. Don't fall for it. None of it is real, its just stuff that he says and you don't have to accept it at all. Take the off ramp he has offered, agree he's right its not working and never look back. Brace yourself for tears, rages, love bombing, guilt trips, threats, the worst thing you can do to an abuser is agree they're right and that its over. I'd advise you get yourself some talking therapy, work through this and build stronger boundaries for the future.

You are only 46 and you are financially independent. You are holding ALL the cards. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and nothing to stop you doing whatever you want. You can spend every single evening for the rest of your life knitting while watching TV with NOBODY to tell you otherwise if that's what you want. Think about how you want your 50s, 60s and beyond to be, where you'll go and all the things you can do. Paint a picture, visualise plans to fill your life with what makes you happy. Then compare that to 30 more years unable to do something as ordinary as knit in front of the TV, being called fat and guilted into vacuuming the kitchen for fear of being told off, having to wear flimsy nighties and a butt plug for this manipulative nomark's sexual gratification because he's never going to change, and your choice should be simple.

It won't be easy, he won't go quietly, but bin him.

i have put on a lot of weight (he’s obese as well) and he tells me all the time. I’m the size of a house, wants me to get gastric surgery, calls me fat - but then in the next breath wants me to wear slut clothing and nighties and walk around with a bit plug or conversing egg inside me because it’s a turn on for him.

Fgs, op. Do you know how grim this sounds?

but I do love him. I know why he is like he is and I can’t imagine life without him. He makes me feel loved and cared for and makes me laugh.

I’m sorry, op, but you must have a very low bar for feeling loved and cared for. Your self esteem sounds non-existent.

OP you're younger than me and you're financially independent. Why tf do you think you can't start over?

Get rid of the daft twat.

But ...
one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.
... housework is a bone of contention, isn't it.

Surprise us - Mr OCD believes it's woman's work, & you are Doing Womanning All Wrong because you stand up for yourself a bit about that.
It's obviously not worth it to you to stand up about the kitchen floor, so you hoover it every time you breathe in your own kitchen. I bet if you stop to think coolly about what other adaptations you have made to your general behaviour so that he doesn't kick off & call you horrible names, there will be loads.

The best advice I ever took, OP, was on Ask Polly: to write a little essay to myself of what my ideal life would look like in 5 years. The details of mine don’t matter, everyone’s ideal life is different, but when I stopped and read it back, my then-DP wasn’t in the picture at all. And everything I loved, that he stopped me from doing, was.

Write yourself your dream life. Perhaps you’re still doing your WFH job, and have a messy but fun house where yes, the kitchen floor is a bit scutty but who cares? You’re busy with your knitting, and visiting your mum, and losing weight and thriving. You wear what you want around the house. After work, you pour yourself a glass of wine and no one takes this as an invitation to have anal sex with you. Maybe there’s a cat, or a dog, or a night out, or whatever you like. Write down what life could be, then read it back and see if your husband has any place in it.

How do you start again?

With joy and freedom in your heart ❤️

The knitting thing - I kind of get where he's coming from. Of course, it goes without saying, that it's your choice when and where you knit, but if you've settled down to watch a film or a series together, and you're not watching properly, you will be missing vital bits, and it would feel to me like you're not all in.

There is no reason why you can't "watch properly" while you knit - it's a semi-automatic occupation, unless you're following a complicated pattern. And even if you don't watch properly, what does it matter to the other person in the room? I get it that it's a nuisance if they are constantly asking about the plot or wanting to wind back, but what if they're not that bothered and don't and just let the programme continue uninterrupted?

I don’t usually comment on relationship threads but reading this, what stands out to me is that he doesn’t really like who you are (hobbies, friends, how you like to enjoy yourself) but he’s continuing to take advantage of all you provide for him - food, finances, sex, undivided attention on him.

This is not a healthy relationship. You can see that he’s not a nice person, if not from how he treats you, by how he treats others, surely?

Why give him the satisfaction of being a rotter to everyone and still getting rewarded with everything he wants? You deserve better. And the best thing is that you are not dependant upon him in any real way!

There’s someone out there that will love you for who you are and not try to suppress you in any way - but you have to be proactive and release yourself from this relationship in order to find them. Good luck.

Jaw drops in horror at him. Get help and leave as soon as he’s a disgrace he really his. Hugs

OP, are you the person whose husband undid their knitting out of spite?

Write yourself your dream life. Perhaps you’re still doing your WFH job, and have a messy but fun house where yes, the kitchen floor is a bit scutty but who cares? You’re busy with your knitting, and visiting your mum, and losing weight and thriving. You wear what you want around the house. After work, you pour yourself a glass of wine and no one takes this as an invitation to have anal sex with you. Maybe there’s a cat, or a dog, or a night out, or whatever you like. Write down what life could be, then read it back and see if your husband has any place in it.

Add in - you're seeing your best mate, having a laugh, and probably making loads of lovely new friends without worrying about Mr Abusive at home kicking off about what you're allowed to do when you're with your friends.

Add in - you're not walking on eggshells all the time.

Add in - you feel so much better about yourself without someone tearing you down all the time.

You say you can't imagine life without him but the above is exactly what it will be like.

This is great advice. I am going to do this too. Thanks @stuntbubbles

OP have a think about what your future looks like. If he's obese his older age will not be healthy, you're just a few years off being a full time carer for someone who has just told you that he hates you.

46 is not old, you have an awful lot of life ahead of you.

This sounds like bipolar disorder. A good friend of mine confided that her partner was acting in similar ways and they’d had a huge row because he’d told her he felt neglected if she went on her iPad or phone in his presence. If you really want to stay with him and he has his god qualities, get him to your GP. My friends’ partner was referred to MH services and life is much better now his meds are sorted.

No, it sounds like he’s an abusive cockend.

I don’t think more than one or two days go by without him threatening to leave because apparently im a dirty bitch or because “im slipping into my old ways” when I dare to knit or play wordless whilst watching tv without asking permission.

😡😲

Why the hell would you consider staying with him?