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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

402 replies

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 01:31

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 01/12/2022 09:43

reading about this man makes my skin crawl.

raspberryjuiceandpompoms · 01/12/2022 09:45

I get the vibe that no amount of sense will make you hear what everyone is saying.

But Jesus, Mary and the donkey … LTB! It’s not your fault he’s broken. The fact that you can explain his behaviour doesn’t mean you should put up with it or justify it. You only have one life, gotta love yourself a little. As for being alone, I always remind myself of the quote by Omar Khayyam

You better starve, than eat whatever
And better be alone, than with whomever

Littlepiggiesinblankets · 01/12/2022 09:46

Wow, I remember your other thread. He's still textbook abusive and, yes, part of the abuse is the times where you laugh and he seems loving, otherwise you wouldn't have hung around this long would you?

And such a classic that he's not in touch with any of his children - and of course that's not his fault, it's all somebody else's fault. OF COURSE. For all of his children.

As to how you make a new life - you will find, once you're on the other side that all the energy you are currently devoting to changing yourself to who he expects you to be, to change your behviour not to "provoke" or "annoy" him, all of that energy will be plenty enough to help you build a new life.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 09:49

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:39

This sounds like bipolar disorder. A good friend of mine confided that her partner was acting in similar ways and they’d had a huge row because he’d told her he felt neglected if she went on her iPad or phone in his presence. If you really want to stay with him and he has his god qualities, get him to your GP. My friends’ partner was referred to MH services and life is much better now his meds are sorted.

Yeah? Does having bipolar also make him a sexually coercive pervert?

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:50

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 09:41

No, it sounds like he’s an abusive cockend.

Show quote history

Typical MN response. The OP posted for advice. This is mine. Her post described the same abusive behaviour as my friend was experiencing - same red flags. The bipolar disorder had gone undiagnosed and untreated for years and since it was sorted out medically things are much better. Her partner got some expert counselling and now has full insight into how controlling and abusive his behaviour was before he got help.

I’m not suggesting for one moment that the OP should submit to this kind of behaviour - just offering a different way to go to try to sort things out. But LTB seems to be the only option on MN.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:52

Naunet · 01/12/2022 09:49

Yeah? Does having bipolar also make him a sexually coercive pervert?

Show quote history

Sometimes, yes. From what I read up on while I was trying to support my friend, it can manifest in lots of different ways and can reach crisis point if left untreated. But as I said, why look for a reason, get help and try to salvage a relationship, when you can just LTB.

Original poster
46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 09:53

ok - I am NOT the person whose knitting was unravelled. That must be someone else.

I'm the one who he kicked off at in 2018 because when he said he wanted a BJ at half time in the rugby, I said "can I just finish this row". Was on my period that time as well. He ended up explaining that he felt that all I wanted to do in life was sit and knit.

At the time I worked away from home Monday-FRiday so was only home at weekends.

Covid changed all that.

OP posts:
Naunet · 01/12/2022 09:54

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:52

Sometimes, yes. From what I read up on while I was trying to support my friend, it can manifest in lots of different ways and can reach crisis point if left untreated. But as I said, why look for a reason, get help and try to salvage a relationship, when you can just LTB.

Show quote history

So you would suggest a woman who is being abused mentally and sexually, should stay and try and fix her abuser? Great advice, very male centric 👍

This is not a relationship worth trying to save.

Geville · 01/12/2022 09:54

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:50

Typical MN response. The OP posted for advice. This is mine. Her post described the same abusive behaviour as my friend was experiencing - same red flags. The bipolar disorder had gone undiagnosed and untreated for years and since it was sorted out medically things are much better. Her partner got some expert counselling and now has full insight into how controlling and abusive his behaviour was before he got help.

I’m not suggesting for one moment that the OP should submit to this kind of behaviour - just offering a different way to go to try to sort things out. But LTB seems to be the only option on MN.

Show quote history

It’s a life time of coercion and control though isn’t it?

He has no contact with his children. Seems to have no friends.

Is it really the OPs job to save this man and his lifetime of control?

Personally id rather save my energy and either be alone or stake it on one of the other 4 billion men on the planet.

this one is truly disgusting.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 01/12/2022 09:54

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 08:02

On the computer now so hopefully the spellings/posts will be more eloquent.

He does have to be the centre of peoples attention. Even his sister says that. He doesn't like people doing anything that does not include him. When he visits his sister and her partner, he always get angry that they sit on their phones all evening......... that's their choice in their home but its not his way so he hates it.

When he visits my mum, who is 78 and on all sorts of pain killers for disability, he gets angry that she falls asleep. He sees it as rude that someone has travelled all that way to see her and she can't keep her eyes open, but she can talk to her friends on the phone and stay awake.

To be fair, I think he has a point about both of those things.

My children (25 and 24) would never sit on their phones, if we had an evening together. Because it's shocking manners.

My Dad (80) regularly falls asleep in my company, but can easily hold court with friends. It's annoying and rude.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:54

And for the record. My friend was her partners’ fourth long term relationship. All had failed because of his behaviour. She has some contact with his previous partner and when told of the bipolar diagnosis, his ex commented that it explained a lot.

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 09:56

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 09:53

ok - I am NOT the person whose knitting was unravelled. That must be someone else.

I'm the one who he kicked off at in 2018 because when he said he wanted a BJ at half time in the rugby, I said "can I just finish this row". Was on my period that time as well. He ended up explaining that he felt that all I wanted to do in life was sit and knit.

At the time I worked away from home Monday-FRiday so was only home at weekends.

Covid changed all that.

It’s not a normal, kind or loving relationship to have to ask permission to finish knitting before giving a blowjob you never offered to give in the first place. And then be yelled at.

I know there’s no way for any of us to make you see through the fog he’s created around you, but how about this: I have no reason to lie to you about this. There’s no benefit to me to tell you to LTB. I gain nothing. You, though, gain everything.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 09:58

Geville · 01/12/2022 09:54

It’s a life time of coercion and control though isn’t it?

He has no contact with his children. Seems to have no friends.

Is it really the OPs job to save this man and his lifetime of control?

Personally id rather save my energy and either be alone or stake it on one of the other 4 billion men on the planet.

this one is truly disgusting.

Show quote history

Yes, it is a lifetime of control and coercion if you’re prepared to let it be. And no it’s not the OP’s job to save him. But if this is a MH problem which can be sorted out and life made much better, are you really telling me she should walk away from someone she obviously cares about ? It amazes me how often LTB is the first thing people jump to.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 01/12/2022 10:00

Naunet · 01/12/2022 08:24

Looks like we’ve found him wife number 4.
And of course your marriage failing wasn’t your fault, because this is MN right, so everything was your exs fault, right? Your hypocrisy is ridiculous.

Show quote history

Naunet are you saying that it was my fault, that my first H, had repeated affairs and sexual encounters behind my back? 10 women that I know about. Despite us having a full sexual relationship as well, so it's not like he was desperate. He also tried to have sex with my Mum and my sister and DID have sex with my best friend. That's somehow my fault?

Naunet · 01/12/2022 10:00

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 09:53

ok - I am NOT the person whose knitting was unravelled. That must be someone else.

I'm the one who he kicked off at in 2018 because when he said he wanted a BJ at half time in the rugby, I said "can I just finish this row". Was on my period that time as well. He ended up explaining that he felt that all I wanted to do in life was sit and knit.

At the time I worked away from home Monday-FRiday so was only home at weekends.

Covid changed all that.

So he’s treating you like some kind of subordinate sex slave? What makes you think this is anywhere close to acceptable and that you have to comply? This man has a fucking repulsive view of women and not a single ounce of respect for you.

Sandra1984 · 01/12/2022 10:02

Divorce him, sounds like mr Scrooge. What a horrible man.

FermisLeftFoot · 01/12/2022 10:03

Oh god that’s so depressing - asking for a blowjob at half time in the rugby and getting angry when you didn’t immediately drop your knitting to do it. Is this the loving, romantic dream you’ve always had of relationships? Even without the abuse it’s just so grim and depressing.

I can’t imagine ever considering dropping to my knees on demand in the middle of a bloody sports game with no lead up or warm up. It’s just a tedious sexual service - being used essentially to be a no hands wank. I know that sounds crude and gross - but that’s because it is. And I say this as a very sexually adventurous person who has done a lot of experimenting over the years.

VollywoodHampires · 01/12/2022 10:03

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 01/12/2022 01:37

Im not sure I could stay with any man who is so interested in his own pleasure that he doesn't care if I am in pain whilst providing it. That shows a level of contempt for you that's unacceptable, never mind the issues of control and the bullshit about expecting you to do more than your fair share of the housework.

This LTB you deserve so much more OP

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/12/2022 10:03

I have no doubt OP cares very much for her abuser but also as a result of also being trauma bonded. These men are highly skilled at manipulation of others.

Women should not act as rehab centres to such badly raised men. Its not OPs job here to be a rescuer and or saviour; being either in a relationship never works.

Abuse is not a relationship problem; abuse is about power and control. It is obvious that this individual has almost complete power and control over the OP.

I would like to know how exactly the OP came to marry such a man in the first place and that likely stems from her own childhood experiences. We tend to repeat what we already know.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 01/12/2022 10:04

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 09:26

The best advice I ever took, OP, was on Ask Polly: to write a little essay to myself of what my ideal life would look like in 5 years. The details of mine don’t matter, everyone’s ideal life is different, but when I stopped and read it back, my then-DP wasn’t in the picture at all. And everything I loved, that he stopped me from doing, was.

Write yourself your dream life. Perhaps you’re still doing your WFH job, and have a messy but fun house where yes, the kitchen floor is a bit scutty but who cares? You’re busy with your knitting, and visiting your mum, and losing weight and thriving. You wear what you want around the house. After work, you pour yourself a glass of wine and no one takes this as an invitation to have anal sex with you. Maybe there’s a cat, or a dog, or a night out, or whatever you like. Write down what life could be, then read it back and see if your husband has any place in it.

Very good advice.

Nat6999 · 01/12/2022 10:04

I can see why he has 2 previous marriages, get rid, knit when you want & find someone who actually loves & appreciates you for being you not uses you for his kinky sex needs.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 10:04

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 01/12/2022 10:00

Naunet are you saying that it was my fault, that my first H, had repeated affairs and sexual encounters behind my back? 10 women that I know about. Despite us having a full sexual relationship as well, so it's not like he was desperate. He also tried to have sex with my Mum and my sister and DID have sex with my best friend. That's somehow my fault?

Show quote history

No, I’m saying by your own opening line and your own view that anyone on MN will jump to blaming the man, you would surely like us not to assume he was completely to blame, right? I’m pointing out YOUR double standard, casting everyone on MN in the same role, but yourself as different.
None of this is OPs fault.

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 10:05

Right? OP, imagine you’re in the middle of something that gives you enjoyment – say, knitting. When you reach the end of the row would you demand cunnilingus? And when your “D”H, who is poorly, says, ‘OK, but let me just finish hoovering’ you then shout at him ‘All you want to do is clean!’

Suffrajitsu · 01/12/2022 10:06

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

Is he still there, in the house you are paying for, using the electricity etc you are paying for, eating the food you are paying for? If so, ask him why he's hanging around a person he clams to hate and show him where the door is.

Grawlix · 01/12/2022 10:06

ok - I am NOT the person whose knitting was unravelled. That must be someone else

Depressingly, this means there are TWO controlling fuckwits out there who take their petty revenge on their partners by sabotaging or criticising their perfectly innocent and legitimate hobbies.

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