DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

What’s with all this permission asking? Does he see himself as your dominant or something? The whole kink stuff seems to imply it.

He might clean the house but it sounds like that’s about all he does, while you do a hell of a lot more - and even that he uses as a stick to beat you with, it’s not normal to have to hoover the kitchen after every single meal. I’m sure you’re not chucking handfuls of ingredients on the floor or anything!

The whole wanting you to perform like a sexy sub whenever he wants, doing things you need alcohol to get on board with is grim, as is him demanding you get dressed up in lingerie in context. If two people enjoy a bit of mutual kink then fine and some people enjoy wandering around with lingerie on - again, nothing wrong with that generally but he wants you to do that in the context of him calling you hideous names regarding your weight. I wonder what would happen if you insulted him over his weight?

You’re only 46 and financially independent. You still have some friends and you used to have many more so you can rebuild your friendship circle and afford to live on your own. Why don’t you? You say you love him but what does love look like to you? Because this doesn’t seem to be it at all, more like he hates you and uses you as a sex toy, and someone to take his shitty attitude out on. Familiarity and laughing occasionally does not equal love, he has active contempt for you for a start.

Are you worried about how he will afford to live without you paying for him? How long has it been since he has worked? Does he have a pension? Why did he take early retirement?

It could be another 20 years for you until you retire, depending on your finances, by which time he’ll be in his 80s and will have spent his retirement, if your current situation is anything to go by, entertaining himself with tormenting you while you work to keep the finances in order. How will you like your retirement then, when he’s looking at real old age?

Is this really the future you want for yourself??

He doesn't love you. He only loves himself, and nobody else on earth. He tells you what he thinks of you quite often by the sounds of it and you just take it. How can you carry on living with someone who despises you but wants to keep you for your useful properties? How does that not make you feel ill?

I'm guessing your self esteem and self respect are rock bottom.

Listen to what people are saying to you. You CAN change this, you deserve to be happy and to feel you are worthy and of value for yourself and not just a commodity to serve a really repulsive, abusive man.

Not sure why you're blindsided - he's just acting as he always has. An unreasonable, narcissistic arsehole. What is keeping you in this dynamic?

Your second post is terrifying actually. Calling you a "dirty bitch"?? Oh my god. Run. There's life after this and it's 100% better.

Good grief you're scraping the barrel here! How do you start again? Almost anyone would be better, grab anyone online dating, anyone off the street really, they'll likely treat you better.

OP, you sound lovely.

I do hope he follows through and gets a divorce, because you could do SO MUCH BETTER.

Imagine being with someone who loved you. Who took pleasure from your hobbies and the things you like doing, and doesn't blackmail you into sexual acts you have to be drunk to tolerate.

Who respected your wishes, and your family.

Who didn't come absolutely draped in red BUNTING there are so many red flags. Every single word you have said about him shouts "danger", and this "I want a divorce because you wouldn't give me a blow job when you were curled up having a horrible period feeling like crap" sounds more like manipulation than anything else.

I wonder if he is the one who has enabled your weight gain SO THAT you would feel less attractive to other men and less willing to take a shot at getting rid of him.

He is SO BLOODY LUCKY to have you. You're young, hot, you bring in huge sums of money, you sound kind and sweet, and he has you distraught with guilt when you don't bend over backwards to satisfy him sexuall. God almighty, he has it made with you.

It feels like taking some time to talk to a therapist might help you start building up your self esteem so that you can actually throw him out and start over on your own first, and then maybe some day soon with someone who deserves to be with someone as great as you.

You're 46 take control of your life. He's retired so everything is magnified.

1. Start going to weight watchers etc

1. Start seeing your friends again

1. Take up yoga, gym, your job is sedentary you need to avoid back problems etc.

1. You have money, you have power. Use it

Leave him in the spare room, you'll sleep better

You prefer knitting to having his selfish dick up your arse? That's what's really upsetting this creepy specimen.
You know how peaceful & contented you feel when you're knitting? Well being alone is like that but multiplied by ten thousand. That's your biggest problem, not him, but your fear of being alone. All the time you avoid facing this, you're stuck with a pervert and in the end you may as well shut up and put up and get used to walking around with a butt plug. So humiliating it beggers belief.😐

I sense it’s your fear of starting over, and who you’ll be without him, that’s holding you back from leaving him (as you know his behaviour is unacceptable!). Rather than you actually wanting to be with him. And he probably knows this and is using it to manipulate you.

So, START focusing on who you’ll be without him. Who you were before him. Sounds like you’re having to dilute parts of yourself to suit his insecurities. It’s scary but you’ll be so much happier without him and will probably build better more fulfilling relationships with your friends (and new friends) than the one you’re getting from him.

all of this is easier said than done though. A split is still traumatic so sending love and positivity xx

As others have pointed out, he’s also a raging misogynist. He expects you to act like a sex toy for him and then cut out his daughter for being a sex worker. This is not a man who respects any women, and particularly women close to him.

Honestly, you say love but why don’t you sit down and write out what you consider to be the characteristics of a loving relationship. Surely it’s things like mutual respect, mutual desire, things in common, building each other up and having each others backs and so on? How does he display any of that?

So often people stay in crappy relationships because they see ‘love’ as some sort of self-evident entity that means they should remain with someone just because ‘love’. For a start, most of these poor relationships don’t really involve healthy love at all. If pretty much the only reason you say you love someone is because you ‘just love them’ without really being able to point to any meaningful qualities over time that indicate love - how valuable is this ‘love’?

You can have attachment for someone, be comfortable with them, used to them, and feel safe in a way because change is scary. We have a remarkable ability as humans to normalise so much of our experiences - but it also can work against us too because it gives a false feeling of safety.

He isn’t a safe person and he isn’t your friend. No one treats a true friend the way he treats you. So what’s left? Hope of change, abuse being normalised, fear of leaving, minimising the damage?

If this is making you feel 'loved and cared for', god only knows what control and emotional abuse would feel like.

It's really not ok. OP, but I understand that the idea of starting over is daunting. You deserve so much better. Good luck, whatever you decide.

I remember the knitting post.

OP, this man is NOT your best friend and you don’t love him. You just can’t imagine life without him. This is not how friends or lovers treat each other. He is your abuser.

You say you “know why he is the way he is”. Let me tell you - EVERY single abuser has a story/past/reason that they are the way they are. A terrible childhood, a hideous trauma, an abusive father, a dead cat etc etc IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD TOLERATE THEIR ABUSE.

Knit him a jumper with Goodbye written on it.
Life is for living

You love him?
What on earth do you love about being treated like this?
What about being treated like shit makes you feel even a tiny bit loved?

Ps I’ve been in a previous relationship where my BF stopped me from doing my own things due to his insecurities. Now my DH encourages me to do my own things - I know implicitly it makes me more interesting to him, I still have my own identity and we both know that’s important. I encourage him in his hobbies and he does the same.

We are two individuals who have chosen to live our own lives, together, because we want to. We are not one entity bound to live the same life.

My sons dad was controlling. Probably still is.. not my issue anymore

I was living in complete isolation in a godforsaken hole of a country and literally never left the house. I thought to Learn to knit.

omg, the complaints… in the end I knitted when he wasn’t there but of course it petered out as a hobby.

this is about attention. It’s about control. It won’t ever get any better.

Couldn’t be arsed to go to court to see his kids would have had me packing tbh.

Come OP, you’re only 46 do you really want another lifetime with this man? He’s a prick.

He’s an abusive control freak OP, please dump him. You could do so much better. You shouldn’t have to ask for permission to knit! And you shouldn’t be coerced into sex you don’t want. It sounds like he’s always having a go at you about something, chipping away, trying to control you more and feel worse about yourself so you’ll be more grateful to him for being married to him. It will only get worse with time.

Please try and find the strength to get out of this unhealthy relationship.

OP, what do you want from this thread?

You married this man when there were ample warning signs to suggest it was a bad idea. The chances of a third marriage surviving are statistically very low.

If you are the unraveled knitting poster, you said at the time that you had kicked him out, but now you’re back together.

What are you planning on doing?

Nobody on this thread can make him less awful. Nobody can make him stop subjecting you to degrading sexual behaviour.

Do you want to leave him?

👍

This sounds like typical narcissistic behaviour. He's conditioned you all these years into thinking it's normal and that you are at fault for everything. Threatening to leave every few days isn't healthy. I know it's hard to hear, but until you get out of this situation, you won't realise how wrong it is.

I also knit as a hobby btw, and I knit most when watching tv. It just makes sense to do that. My husband has been annoyed at me when I've kept knitting through an argument, which is fair enough to be honest! But most of the time we watch tv and talk while I knit. He's trying to control you.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

Oh my dear.
Your DH is a controlling knob, & you can reframe this (temporary) sadness & distress.
"I've realised I'm 46, have decades of life left to live, will make new & reconnect with old friends once I'm no longer tiptoeing round a control freak, & I will be able to knit to my heart's content & never need do anal or wear nipple clamps again, just to get somebody else's rocks off."

You’re married to a wanker. Sorry, but you are.

get out and live!

He sounds like an actual pervert. It is also very concerning that multiple kids from multiple relationships decide to not have any contact with him, and even more so that one of them has become a sex worker. Could he have sexually abused them?

This jumped right out at me as well.

I never had a massive social
circle but it has shrunk. My other friend hates him, don’t think mouthed is too chuffed by him either.

See?
He managed to take your friends away from you.
Classic tactic of the control freak.