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Original poster

DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

402 replies

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 01:31

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 01/12/2022 08:18

Your posts are all about him -his preferences, his needs, his excuses. What about what you want. Do you really want the next 20 years to be like this?

He sounds dreadful. You say he's your best friend but if your best friend behaved like he has we'd still be saying dump, they sound toxic.

UniversalAunt · 01/12/2022 08:19

‘When he visits my mum, who is 78 and on all sorts of pain killers for disability, he gets angry that she falls asleep. He sees it as rude that someone has travelled all that way to see her and she can't keep her eyes open, but she can talk to her friends on the phone and stay awake.’

Your Mum zzzzzzzzing him?
Such a polite way of telling him to FOTTFSOF.

So, your Mum won’t miss his visits & scintillating wit?
😉

Lindy2 · 01/12/2022 08:20

I think you deserve more happiness than you will ever get from this relationship.

You've been muddling along for so long you've become numb to it.

Knitting in your own home and occasionally going out with a friend and having a good time, are normal things to be doing without permission.

ChristmasPickleRick · 01/12/2022 08:21

You’re already miles ahead of most women in an abusive relationship because you earn a lot of money. Most are prevented from even having a part time NMW job.

Money = power + freedom.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 01/12/2022 08:21

Oh honestly.
Take him up on his kind offer of a divorce.
Take your half and build a better life. Life is literally too short. There are lots of ways to make new friends. Lots.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 08:24

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 01/12/2022 07:54

Well, this is MN, so of course everything will be your DH's fault. But life is rarely so black and white, is it?

The knitting thing - I kind of get where he's coming from. Of course, it goes without saying, that it's your choice when and where you knit, but if you've settled down to watch a film or a series together, and you're not watching properly, you will be missing vital bits, and it would feel to me like you're not all in. My DH sometimes does this with his phone, and he misses vital plot twists, so we have to rewind, or I have to explain what's happened, and it just feels like we're having a very disconnected evening. Thankfully he doesn't do it often.

The intimacy thing, I also get - it's horrible to feel as though your partner has rejected you. I do get rejected as well, and at times I have used the same line as your DH about "it's all on your terms", because that's entirely how it feels. My DH is the only man in the world that I'm meant to have sex with, but if he doesn't want it for several weeks, then yes, it feels as though my sex life is in his hands and that it's all on his terms - not good whatsoever. BUT.....the fact he's calling you names and referring to your weight, well, I feel he's almost got himself to blame for you being reserved. Even though my DH is overweight, I have never made reference to this.

Having said all of the above, overall he isn't sounding like a great package. The overly kinky stuff - I think he'd probably get more intimacy from you if he was loving and warm and sensual? Wanting you to walk around with things in your orifices, is plain weird in my view. I myself have a high sex drive, and wouldn't find that a turn on. And certainly not if I'd been called a "house end" 24 hours before! He's not exactly a master at seduction, is he?

The not seeing his kids - major red flag.

The 2 previous marriages, I don't know - I'm on my 2nd marriage. The first H was abusive and cheated with at least 10 women, so that failed marriage isn't my fault. And if my current marriage failed, I can tell you now, it wouldn't be my fault. I'm the kind of person that puts in 110% and only leaves when absolutely every avenue has been explored (I gave my first H four years to change his behaviour and he didn't). Would that mean that I was flawed, if I had 2 marriages behind me? I don't think that would be fair.

Lastly, there are some ageist comments on this thread, because he's 63. Are 63 year old's meant to be on the scrap heap now? Who knew!

Looks like we’ve found him wife number 4.
And of course your marriage failing wasn’t your fault, because this is MN right, so everything was your exs fault, right? Your hypocrisy is ridiculous.

kingtamponthefurred · 01/12/2022 08:26

I'd be knitting him a shroud.

TherapistInATabard · 01/12/2022 08:28

Good god he sounds hideous. I’m guessing every time things blew up and you sorted it out, it was by you agreeing to change?

He treats you like shit to keep you in line, because he knows he’s punching waaaay above his weight with you!

Get rid of him, and join the WI where your knitting will be encouraged and you can make some new friends. Not all WIs are full of fuddy duddies. I’m the same age as you and joined because I had no local friends. It’s been fab.

FlissyPaps · 01/12/2022 08:29

He’s misogynistic, insecure and controlling.

Stop with this ”but I’m not prefect either”. We know you’re not. I’m not perfect. Nobody is. But not being perfect is NO EXCUSE to be treated like you are.

I would cancel your booked weekends away and go and speak to a solicitor.

feelingfree17 · 01/12/2022 08:33

Tell him a divorce is the BEST thing he has ever suggested, and get the ball rolling today! You have no money issues. Lack of it, for many women in controlling relationships, is sadly what keeps them there. You don’t have this. Go grab that wonderful new life that is waiting for you. You are so young, don’t waste your one life on him.

tothelefttotheleft · 01/12/2022 08:33

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 03:09

He doesn’t see his kids.

the older two girls - one of them is a manipulative bitch (I’ve witnessed that myself ) and the other is estranged because she worked as a hooker and he couldn’t handle it

his kids from his second marriage he doesn’t see either . He paid maintenance but hi ex wife wouldn’t let him see them and he didn’t want to stage it though court. They were only small when they spliy
up

i earn a decent wage - close to six figures - and I control the house finances. So I know there’s nothing dodgy on that side. I know he’ll be financially fucked without me.

She was a sex worker but he didn't help or support her to have a better life. He just judged her and abandoned her while treating you like a sex worker. He's disgusting.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/12/2022 08:34

BrightSaturn · 01/12/2022 02:06

He sounds disgusting. What a horrible man.

i agree. WHY do you love him ? Because he sounds repulsive. Surely you would be happier alone than with him ?

stuntbubbles · 01/12/2022 08:34

but I do love him. I know why he is like he is and I can’t imagine life without him.
Ooh, I can. Imagine a life where you can knit in front of the TV and have a drink with friends. A life where you have a drink not simply to get you through kinky sex you’re not otherwise into. A life where you don’t get called bitch and slut by a sad old man who sulks when he doesn’t get his way. Sounds heavenly.

ChristmasCwtch · 01/12/2022 08:34

He sounds grotesque.

Please leave. You’ll be so much happier on your own and at peace.

A severely obese kinky negger can go fuck himself!! You deserve better. He’s going to become more decrepit and you’re going to become ever more of his servant. Gross!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/12/2022 08:35

You are financially independent and young enough to start again.

For heavens just leave.

It sounds like you need to do some work on your health, but you will do that far better when you are single.

Focus on freeing yourself from him, and then you can sort the rest out.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/12/2022 08:35

🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️

Bumpsadaisie · 01/12/2022 08:35

You're being controlled by a rigid old man.

Time up!

FancyFran · 01/12/2022 08:36

@kingtamponthefurred 😂

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 01/12/2022 08:37

The word ‘blindsided’ is quite surprising in your title, non of this reads like a surprise @46andstartingover - why is it shocking to you? As an outsider it sounds like this has all been building for sometime and it’s very obvious that your relationship is toxic…

  • you have to ask permission to do things you enjoy
  • you are verbally abused re your weight
  • he doesn’t like you socialising
  • he’s isolating you
  • you’re uncomfortable in your own
  • mismatched sex drives at best, he’s sexually abusive at worst
  • No relationship with 4 children is a huge red flag

you are 46, you can start again, you can’t live your next 30years like this. You’ll look back and feel like you wasted your life.

you talk about loving him and feeling loved and safe but it seems like you are just scared and trapped, like Stockholm syndrome. Seek some help, get some therapy, work out where you are financially, focus on feeling better in yourself and make a plan to start afresh. Please, this is no way to live.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 08:38

He sounds utterly repulsive, I can’t understand why you settled for this? He’s not your best friend, he doesn’t even respect you.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/12/2022 08:40

No one likes him.

He's estranged from his daughters.

One of them is a sex worker and he can't handle it. Does it not occur to him that the fact his daughter is a sex worker is related to the kind of father she had?

He's into kinky sex that you have to humour him on and need to drink to take part in.

He tells you what you can do in your own home.

He never forgives and never forgets. Its his way or the high way.

You're married to a very undeveloped man - his emotional development is on a level with a young child.

devildeepbluesea · 01/12/2022 08:40

Honestly OP it’s stories like yours that make me thank my lucky stars I’m single.

The fact he sees none of his kids speaks volumes to me.

Get rid of this repulsive man.

jay55 · 01/12/2022 08:42

Your social circle will pick up when you leave him.

He's such a dick.

Letshavesushicarol · 01/12/2022 08:42

Tell him to knit one pearl one.

diddl · 01/12/2022 08:44

kingtamponthefurred · 01/12/2022 08:26

I'd be knitting him a shroud.

Easier just to cast him off?