Page 3 | Should I send him a message?

ikeepdancingonmyown · 2022-11-30T09:13:35+00:00

Been on several dates with this man, we are both 30. Every date has been lovely and in my head at least I felt like we had a very good connection. We slept together the last couple of times and spent the whole night both times hugging and holding hands. Since then he messaged to ask how it was going but since then the conversation has trailed off and we didn’t message at all for a few days - on Sunday evening I text him to ask how his weekend had been and he replied without asking any questions in return. I am 90% sure he is slow fading although there is 10% part of me which wonders if he is waiting for me to reach out and be a bit more proactive in messaging him as he has always been the one to message first after each date. I understand the whole ‘if he wanted to he would’ school of thought but a male friend told me that men can also subscribe to this (‘if she wanted to she would’) so what if we are both just being stubborn?

MishaBukvic · 30/11/2022 18:25

Argh this is far more complicated that it needs to be. Just message him, "fancy meeting up this weekend "

Ofcourseshecan · 30/11/2022 18:33

MishaBukvic · 30/11/2022 18:25

Argh this is far more complicated that it needs to be. Just message him, "fancy meeting up this weekend "

I agree.

You say You know when you get a really keen man who can’t take a hint and he texts you loads and you just think omg please go away… that is my biggest fear, of being the female version of that man and I sympathise.

But really, if you text him and find out he’s not interested, does it matter? You’ll know you sensibly gave it one last shot. Whatever he thinks of you is irrelevant because you won’t see him again.

60smusic · 30/11/2022 21:28

Did you text him?

Original poster

ikeepdancingonmyown · 30/11/2022 21:39

@60smusic yes I have about an hour ago - asked how he is feeling about situation - will keep you updated, not feeling hopeful but at least now I can draw a line under it all

OP posts:

Wobblywibbley · 30/11/2022 22:32

No sure why there’s always loads of women saying ‘just text him!’ Yes, you find out quicker maybe but, I don’t know, I think it makes you vulnerable and chips away at your self esteem when you get a ‘You’re great but ...’ message back. Or, they string it out for ages, may be meet a few more tiles and you feel confused or used.
I have a long OLD history, now happily married, but I learned that it really is simple for most guys. They like you - they show you. You’re always on their mind and they can’t wait to contact you and see you. They don’t want to lose you. They aren’t flaky like this guy.
I’d move on op whatever the response

Natty13 · 30/11/2022 23:13

The Instagram findingmrheight has loads of scripts of how to respond to slow fades and all sorts www.instagram.com/reel/CMGgCUAA0q3/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

60smusic · 30/11/2022 23:58

ikeepdancingonmyown · 30/11/2022 21:39

@60smusic yes I have about an hour ago - asked how he is feeling about situation - will keep you updated, not feeling hopeful but at least now I can draw a line under it all

Fingers crossed 🤞

Ydkiml · 01/12/2022 05:01

Be clear / straight to him your thoughts on him and see how he responds. If he drags his feet , or try’s to just use you , then move on . Set your bar high and you’ll find a man worthy of yourself who’s on the same page as you . Good luck 🤞

JustKittenAround · 01/12/2022 05:41

Wobblywibbley · 30/11/2022 22:32

No sure why there’s always loads of women saying ‘just text him!’ Yes, you find out quicker maybe but, I don’t know, I think it makes you vulnerable and chips away at your self esteem when you get a ‘You’re great but ...’ message back. Or, they string it out for ages, may be meet a few more tiles and you feel confused or used.
I have a long OLD history, now happily married, but I learned that it really is simple for most guys. They like you - they show you. You’re always on their mind and they can’t wait to contact you and see you. They don’t want to lose you. They aren’t flaky like this guy.
I’d move on op whatever the response

Gonna have to agree with @Wobblywibbley

Actions are answers. When a relationship is going well things are mutual. Sure relationships aren’t always easy by any means but the mutual attraction and the comfort that a person will show up kinda is.

it is my experience that men and women show up and are available for those they are interested in. This man seemed very able to show up before but now isn’t.

that’s answer enough in my opinion.

it hurts but it has happened to many of us. I think just matching energy and taking a step back is the best course of action in these situations. Because you already have yourself and were intimate… he knows you’re into him.

by the way his slow fade or shelving of you has zero to do with your worthiness. I’d just caution women from chasing and to just learn to accept the truth before them.

sorry this has happened to you. It’s kinda a crap sort of thing but I’d be glad to not be pulled in any longer trying to win anyone over or “get to the bottom” of what is so painfully clear.

Go get yourself a smarter man who knows gold when he has it.

sammylady37 · 01/12/2022 07:01

it is my experience that men and women show up and are available for those they are interested in

Maybe, if you’re dealing with people who don’t play games and mess each other around. The op here has admitted to leaving him on read multiple times, despite really liking him and being interested- ie she’s playing games. Perhaps he’s copped that and isn’t interested in someone who would treat him that way.

sammylady37 · 01/12/2022 07:01

ikeepdancingonmyown · 30/11/2022 15:55

But then I think of the amount of times I’ve left him on read so as not to seem needy, if he subscribed to this view he’d assume I didn’t want to talk to him when actually I have always really liked him

Show quote history

Oh fgs. Stop playing games like a teenager and communicate like a mature adult.

JustKittenAround · 01/12/2022 07:40

sammylady37 · 01/12/2022 07:01

it is my experience that men and women show up and are available for those they are interested in

Maybe, if you’re dealing with people who don’t play games and mess each other around. The op here has admitted to leaving him on read multiple times, despite really liking him and being interested- ie she’s playing games. Perhaps he’s copped that and isn’t interested in someone who would treat him that way.

Good point. While I stand by my comment, I had not really weighed the games portion.

She should junk it. It’s already tainted by games and other BS. He obviously isn’t in the chance and I think she needs to take a step back not as a game but as acknowledgment that he’s just not into it. I am not a fan of women hurting themselves further by chasing. The answer is obviously clear.

OP I wouldn’t play games in your next connection just like I wouldn’t go after this dead one.

mistakes happen. Move on and up!

Babochan88 · 01/12/2022 08:21

Sounds like a slow fade… you can try texting him and judging by his response. But it sounds like he’s gonna ghost soon

Original poster

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:33

Of course you were all right, it was a slow fade, he isn’t ready for a relationship he says. Glad I sent the message anyway and now I will draw a line and move on, thanks for all your replies x

OP posts:

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 11:37

How many dates have you actually been on op?

and when you say you slept together and spent the night holding hands… did you have sex or hold hands?

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 11:37

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:33

Of course you were all right, it was a slow fade, he isn’t ready for a relationship he says. Glad I sent the message anyway and now I will draw a line and move on, thanks for all your replies x

Good to hear you have clarity

60smusic · 01/12/2022 11:38

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:33

Of course you were all right, it was a slow fade, he isn’t ready for a relationship he says. Glad I sent the message anyway and now I will draw a line and move on, thanks for all your replies x

Sorry to hear this. The good thing is you know now and are not sitting waiting for him to contact you. His loss. It's difficult when we like someone and they don't feel the same. You will look back and be thankful when you meet a fabulous guy in the future.

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 11:38

Very odd you started a thread yesterday about being aloof and not bothering to message him

How do I stop doing this? I’ve been on a few dates with someone I really like, have slept with him now also. He isn’t a massive texter but has always text me first after each date, including the last one, but though I replied I’ve since let the conversation trail off. I’m not deliberately doing this as a treat em mean keep em keen sort of strategy but I am conscious of this pattern I often get into in dating where I act very aloof and unbothered

Original poster

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:39

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 11:38

Very odd you started a thread yesterday about being aloof and not bothering to message him

How do I stop doing this? I’ve been on a few dates with someone I really like, have slept with him now also. He isn’t a massive texter but has always text me first after each date, including the last one, but though I replied I’ve since let the conversation trail off. I’m not deliberately doing this as a treat em mean keep em keen sort of strategy but I am conscious of this pattern I often get into in dating where I act very aloof and unbothered

Why is that odd? I thought maybe he was pulling back because I was being aloof, turns out that wasn’t the case

OP posts:

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 11:42

Sorry @ikeepdancingonmyown that must really sting. But at least you're free to move on to greener pastures and in a better position to gauge interest in the next one.

The world is full of fuckbois and flakers. You need to be ruthless and to really hold on to your standards.

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 11:43

Because on this thread you certainly don’t give the impression you are concerned he thinks you’re aloof and unbothered versus him being very good about messaging after dates.

Anyway - clarity now from him, which is a positive

how many dates did you go on with him out of interest?

Original poster

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:45

Feef83 · 01/12/2022 11:43

Because on this thread you certainly don’t give the impression you are concerned he thinks you’re aloof and unbothered versus him being very good about messaging after dates.

Anyway - clarity now from him, which is a positive

how many dates did you go on with him out of interest?

Oh I see what you mean, I’ve just been very confused and was looking for an explanation I think.

5 dates, not that many but still hurtful 😭

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/12/2022 12:00

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:33

Of course you were all right, it was a slow fade, he isn’t ready for a relationship he says. Glad I sent the message anyway and now I will draw a line and move on, thanks for all your replies x

Sorry to hear this op. FWIW I think I would have done the same as you and asked him for clarity on the situation as I would always rather know where I stand with someone than waste time wondering and waiting.

Good luck going forwards, OLD dating can be brutal but I did meet my dp of over 3 years on there after a few 'interesting' experiences. I learned a lot about myself in the process though and about what I was looking for.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 13:31

ikeepdancingonmyown · 01/12/2022 11:45

Oh I see what you mean, I’ve just been very confused and was looking for an explanation I think.

5 dates, not that many but still hurtful 😭

Show quote history

Probably more hurtful because you slept together as well. He seems a bit of a tosser. Don't allow him to worm his way back.

Ilovelurchers · 02/12/2022 11:44

Just saw your update OP - glad you got clarity at least, so you don't spend ages wondering whether you should have texted etc.

In terms of overall dating app strategy, you will get wildly different advice from everyone, as most people who do dating for any length of time will eventually end up in a long term relationship if that's what they want, and some of them will have slept with everyone on their first date, others will have waited months; some will have texted their dates loads, others will have been very restrained. Etc etc. And we all assume therefore that our way is the best.....

I only did internet dating briefly, because my first date was the man I am now married too. And we texted each other loads, including sexting (which is typically regarded as the work of the devil on here) and slept with each other as soon as we practically could..... This doesn't prove anything, except perhaps that by acting like our own needy, libidinous selves we found someone who was RIGHT FOR US.

So I would say, to OP and everyone, have sex when you want to (whether that is early on or not), text when and how often you want to (whether that is loads or hardly at all) because it's the only way to find somebody who actually likes the person you actually are, rather than someone you are pretending to be because you think it is good dating strategy.

Good luck OP! From your messages you sounded really nice, and I am sure you will find someone who appreciates that soon.