Terrible row

[Highsmithfan]

This is my problem. For three years I have been trying to get over my husband’s affair. It happened during a horrible time when i was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had a real problem forgetting what went on but as time has passed I have got better at controlling myself and he very much wants to put it all behind us. He says it was a horrible mistake and he never meant to leave me.
recently i found emails he had sent to OW during the affair where he asked her repeatedly to marry him and urged her to leave her husband and run off with him.
I never meant to let him know i have seen the emails but tonight I had too much wine and I asked him how he could have intended to leave me when I was ill and scared. He got absolutely furious. He says he's sick of me and leaving tomorrow and he is lying fully dressed on the sofa (i hid his car keys as he ‘s too drunk to drive).
i don’t know what to do. I can’t forgive this thing of forget it. I don’t feel like apologising but I can’t stand the animosity (although I have obvs caused it).
is it normal to still be upset 3 years post affair?

I think tonight you should not discuss it further because you have both been drinking

Also yes it is reasonable to be upset if you found these things recently as he was asking another woman to marry him fgs!!

i mean did he choose to stay with you or did she refuse to leave her husband?

I do generally hold the opinion that if you agree to stay then you can’t continually dredge it up for years afterwards otherwise what was the point in agreeing to stay together and move past it?

Sometimes an affair spells the end of a relationship not because of what he did to you but of what he turned you into.

Do you want to be sad and angry? Do you want to be constantly comparing yourself to others? If you're honest, do you look at him differently now you know he's capable of that?

I've been where you are and I was scared, I wanted to stay together because I loved him. I realised, I loved the person he used to be but after the cheating, he was never going to be that person to me ever again. I left and I' was back to feel lighter, my self esteem improved and much, much further down the line I settled down with someone else.

Do it because he changed things irreparably.

He stayed because she refused to leave her husband. I am upset because i had no idea he had asked her to marry him. Also he has lied terribly about how intense it was. In one email he described driving from london to devon to offer to take her for an ice cream on their favourite beach and then drive back before her husband found out.
i know i shouldnt bring it up.

Please don’t blame yourself. This is him. He caused this! He hurt you when you were at your lowest!

He’s led there on the sofa as he’s been caught out and can’t answer your questions. He’s deflecting and trying to make you feel responsible because you’ve brought it up. But you’re entitled to. He’s hurt you and you still have questions unanswered.

stay strong and silent. He’s a rabbit in headlights. He’s scared and rightfully so

Sending hugs to you

Exactly this.

He was planning to up and leave you to marry someone else and only stayed because she wouldn't have him and he thinks you're the problem?

I bet he's never taken responsibility for anything in his life.

You deserve so much better, op.

Exactly this

I know i shouldnt have said anything. He has been trying v hard to be nice. Even offered to buy new house in part of country near to my family. Making a big effort to be kind, take me to hospital appointments etc so i guess he's furious this is never enough and I can still go mad about the affair. And i know it’s pointless to stay and keep dredging it up, but to be honest it’s always there in the background until stuff like the emails bring it into the foreground. I am just so angry that even when OW left him he could write ‘you are so brave to try and stop our romance but remember I will always love you and am still waiting for the answer to my question (about marriage’. But now I can’t bear thr aggression anc animosity.

@Highsmithfan you will never forget. You may forgive, but you won't forget.

It can be fixed though. With a real apology. Total honesty. And enough new loving memories.

He was planning to up and leave you to marry someone else and only stayed because she wouldn't have him and he thinks you're the problem?

This. He's trying to scare you into submission by pretending he is going to leave. He hasn't got her to go to now, where is he going to go? Get your ducks in a row and throw him to the kerb. For him to do this when you were so vulnerable, he doesn't care for you. I'm so sorry.

I personally could never get over such an incredible betrayal.
Are you absolutely sure you can?
Of course you are incredibly upset at reading the emails...and he's deflecting it on you to make you feel like shit.
He sounds awful.
Wanting to marry someone else? Then staying with you because she said no?
You deserve so much better...you must know that.
Sending hugs x

OP, generally one does not just find someone else's emails without logging into or looking into their account.
It does not matter what he said during the course of the affair. He said that he would stay with you, and you accepted that decision. You say that he is trying, but the misery that you are feeling now is self inflicted. You don't need further proof of the affair. He has admitted to the affair. People having affairs say and do the things that lovers say and do.

What happened in your marriage was regrettable, but if you cannot let it go, then you should let him go.

If he is trying to make amends, he should not have to put up with constant questions and reminders. Infidelity is no doubt a painful thing to experience, but it does not condemn your partner to a life sentence.

He does not get to dictate how long you hurt, but you in turn don't get to make his life miserable because you can't stop hurting particularly when you are maybe snooping for confirmation of that which you already know.

Let him go if the 2 of you are not committed to trying to have a healthy relationship. You both deserve better.

What he's done is unforgivable and insurmountable. All you've done is wasted three years on a relationship that can't be salvaged. Drop the rope and let it, and him, go.

He just kept saying ‘leave me alone’ and ‘stop torturing me’ and ‘give me my car keys’. He refuses to go upstairs and is lying fully dressed curled up on a tiny sofa. I gave him a blanket anc he threw it on the floor.
But i feel like he’s torturing me. It’s hopeless. I loved him so much but now I just keep thinking about him and OW again. In one email he goes into sexually explicit detail about their ‘lovemaking’ and how he is obsessed with her. He said ‘i even slept better on those nights spent with you’. I was having radiotherapy at the time.

I have attached a photo of a trashfire, representative of your husband.

Throw him away at your earliest convenience. He should be grovelling at your feet for the rest of his sorry fucking life even after you throw him out.

Yes @Mari9999 you are right.
i shouldn’t have read the emails and I am just torturing myself. I should apologise to him and let him go.

You have NOTHING to apologise for.

Of course you should have read the e-mails @Highsmithfan.

Had your husband told you the truth, you wouldn't have needed. But he didn't so you had to find it yourself. This is not your fault.

High smith fan
You don't need to apologize. I think that enough meaningless words have been exchanged between the 2 of you. If you cannot let it go, then you should let him go.

Nothing good will come from your continued pain, and your need to constantly relive the past. You have not forgiven him, and you are extending the life of their relationship long past its natural life. You will never have any peace as long as you continue to torment yourself.

Omg DO NOT apologise!!

If you really want the marriage to work, then both of you see a couples therapist - qualified and who specialises in affair recovery.

Relationships only recover from affairs when there's been total transparency and acceptance of responsibility. I'm sorry, but Mari's post is so wrong in this situation!

You are legitimately upset because you've discovered the betrayal was greater than you were led to believe. That isn't you holding a grudge- that's a whole new betrayal, about which he should have been honest about upfront.

You have NOTHING to apologise for. He does.

And his behaviour tonight is manipulative. Don't fall for it.

This I do agree with.

Yes @Mari9999 I do need to apologise because shouting at someone and making them feel guilty and awful is not nice. My mistake is getting angry and out of control. I should have calmly told him this isn’t working for me and he has to leave.instead of screaming at him about OW and breast cancer like a crazy woman. I am just v disappointed in myself that i cannot get over this thing. I always thought he had my back and it’s shocking to find he didn’t.
now i don’t know how to put it right, ie how to stop the animosity without apologising. Even if we part I don’t want any more confrontation.

You obviously forgave him them and ofcourse reading those emails now would of hurt you badly.

But I don't think deep down you have forgiven for having an affair which you going through that.

Probably best now to end it. You will keep throwing it in his face. Then your feel second as he had no choice to stay because she wouldn't leave her husband.

You took his car key because you both drank. But in the morning have that talk can't see a way back from this now.

It'over and you not healed from the hurt.

OP you should not apologise, he’s using anger as a way to deflect from what HE’S done and you reading his messages became the perfect thing for him to focus on. He’s done something unforgivable and I’m not sure you will ever be able to forgive him for it, to be honest. You’re second best to the other woman, won’t you always ask yourself if he will do it again? I’m sorry you’re hurting but he’s not right for you and you deserve so much better. Let him leave, let him strop. You’re in this place because he was unfaithful. If anyone asks he cheated on you, asked another woman to marry him and when it fiddled out he decided to stay with you instead, without you knowing. No one will judge you for this sad ending. He’s entirely to blame.

When the trust is gone, so is the marriage. You don't trust him and I don't blame you. If I were you I wouldn't want to live my life in suspicion and doubt, wondering what was 'real' in my marriage and if he was only there because the OW wouldn't have him. And if I were him I wouldn't want to live my life under a black cloud of mistrust and suspense, wondering when the next time would be that my spouse threw the affair in my face.

I think each of you needs to let the other go.