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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Terrible row

111 replies

Highsmithfan · 29/11/2022 23:38

This is my problem. For three years I have been trying to get over my husband’s affair. It happened during a horrible time when i was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had a real problem forgetting what went on but as time has passed I have got better at controlling myself and he very much wants to put it all behind us. He says it was a horrible mistake and he never meant to leave me.
recently i found emails he had sent to OW during the affair where he asked her repeatedly to marry him and urged her to leave her husband and run off with him.
I never meant to let him know i have seen the emails but tonight I had too much wine and I asked him how he could have intended to leave me when I was ill and scared. He got absolutely furious. He says he's sick of me and leaving tomorrow and he is lying fully dressed on the sofa (i hid his car keys as he ‘s too drunk to drive).
i don’t know what to do. I can’t forgive this thing of forget it. I don’t feel like apologising but I can’t stand the animosity (although I have obvs caused it).
is it normal to still be upset 3 years post affair?

OP posts:
badassbaby · 30/11/2022 01:52

Mari9999 · 30/11/2022 00:40

OP, generally one does not just find someone else's emails without logging into or looking into their account.
It does not matter what he said during the course of the affair. He said that he would stay with you, and you accepted that decision. You say that he is trying, but the misery that you are feeling now is self inflicted. You don't need further proof of the affair. He has admitted to the affair. People having affairs say and do the things that lovers say and do.

What happened in your marriage was regrettable, but if you cannot let it go, then you should let him go.

If he is trying to make amends, he should not have to put up with constant questions and reminders. Infidelity is no doubt a painful thing to experience, but it does not condemn your partner to a life sentence.

He does not get to dictate how long you hurt, but you in turn don't get to make his life miserable because you can't stop hurting particularly when you are maybe snooping for confirmation of that which you already know.

Let him go if the 2 of you are not committed to trying to have a healthy relationship. You both deserve better.

This is absolutely terrible advise.
She found out things from the emails that she didn't know before.
I find your sympathy for him, and lack of empathy for the OP absolutely staggering.
I can only assume you have never been cheated on, so lack the appropriate response to it.
Apart from anything else, OP had breast cancer at the time!

Momamo321 · 30/11/2022 02:04

Sorry OP this is a terrible thing for you to discover. What a total shitbag.

I think quite often in the aftermath of an affair, in order to stay with someone you have to convince yourself of all sorts of things. That they’re genuinely sorry and remorseful (often it’s just guilt and regret they got caught) that it was a mistake. That they didn’t love the OW. That they ‘chose’ to stay and therefore ‘really’ love their partner.

it’s really a form of cognitive dissonance and denial because the true horror is so difficult to face up to.

people who truly love people don’t cheat on them. It is that simple.

you deserve better and I’m sorry that you’ve found this out a while three years after the event.

at least he won’t have the OW to crawl back to.

Trez1510 · 30/11/2022 02:15

People who truly love people don’t cheat on them. It is that simple.

OP, I know your circumstances are complicated by your diagnosis OP and the vulnerability that comes with that. I am so sorry for that.

That said, I entirely agree with the statement above from @Momamo321 . I've always had the view if you're thinking about cheating on someone the relationship is already dead. Only cowards have affairs rather than ending the relationship they are in already.

However, bottom line is he's a coward and a liar who repeatedly and substantially breached your trust.

Everyone deserves better than that. Everyone.

pinheadlarry · 30/11/2022 02:17

He's a narcissist and he does not care about your feelings
If she decides to leave her husband and rekindle with your dh, what do you think he would do ?

BadNomad · 30/11/2022 02:17

Oh please leave him. This is awful. He didn't stay with you because he made a mistake. He only stayed because she wouldn't leave her husband. Had she, he would have been gone in a heartbeat, while you were going through one of the most awful things a person can go through. He really didn't deserve these 3 years more of you you have given him. He deserves all the guilt he feels. But I actually don't think it's guilt. I think he's just angry, angry at you for not letting him have the peaceful life he wants.

Alondra · 30/11/2022 02:42

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 00:22

I know i shouldnt have said anything. He has been trying v hard to be nice. Even offered to buy new house in part of country near to my family. Making a big effort to be kind, take me to hospital appointments etc so i guess he's furious this is never enough and I can still go mad about the affair. And i know it’s pointless to stay and keep dredging it up, but to be honest it’s always there in the background until stuff like the emails bring it into the foreground. I am just so angry that even when OW left him he could write ‘you are so brave to try and stop our romance but remember I will always love you and am still waiting for the answer to my question (about marriage’. But now I can’t bear thr aggression anc animosity.

Please, don't blame yourself for speaking out. You've got nothing to blame yourself for, your husband had an affair and lied about how deep his feelings were for her.

You put a band-aid on that wound and thought time would cure it. Until you read the emails and the band-aid was ripped off, leaving your wound open and bleeding again.

Your husband is furious you now know the full extent of his lies, and is trying to scare and bully you into getting over it. He has no empathy for your feelings and never tried to give you the one thing that could repair your lack of trust in him - truth and honesty.

I agree with posters saying don't say or do anything while you are both under the influence, you need to think long and hard if this marriage is right for you when you don't trust him.

Some marriages can survive infidelity, but it takes years of honesty and hard work and is not an easy road. Most marriages I know, have called it quits eventually.

Original poster
Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 04:44

Thank you for your replies. He’s got up just now from the sofa and gone to bed in the spare room. I gave him his car keys. He still looks furious.
to be honest, i can’t blame him for being angry the alternative would be to be abjectly sorry I suppose, or lie a whole lot more about whether he would have left me or not. It’s the breast cancer that’s the THING that must never be mentioned and that is guaranteed to cause a terrible row.
i got upset because he was talking about when people get old and have been together a long time and accept that they will probably have to nurse a partner through illness - and I said ‘well what about me then, you were prepared to run off with OW and leave me to get over cancer all on my own’. I shouldnt drink wine really!
i don’t know people put all this crap aside. I know you have to but I am beginning to realise I’m just not able to really do that. I mean I know people having affairs say all sorts to each other, but the pair of them did not say one word in the emails about my illness. He just said to her he was very fond of me but didnt want to spend the rest of hid life with me now he’d met her.

OP posts:
Clymene · 30/11/2022 04:50

Urgh I'm not surprised you're angry. What a pig. You deserve better than to be his consolation prize.

You would be much happier without him.

Highlighta · 30/11/2022 05:08

OP I thought I could recover from my ex's affair. I just couldn't as this is what happened to me, it just kept creeping up and it affected my mental health so badly. Six years later I ended it. I tried, for years to 'get over' it. But the betrayal was just too deep (they also had plans to piss off together, go travelling etc etc, and yes we had young DC). I never trusted him, if there was a row he would blame me for harping on about it as he felt I should have just dealt with it by then.

Some things just cannot be fixed.

We are divorced now and i am happier than I have been in a very long time.

You don't have to get over it because he says so OP. You have been through a lot, and you need to look out for you now,it's not how he is feeling about fucking up your marriage.

Strength to you OP.

Buildingthefuture · 30/11/2022 05:19

Firstly op, painful as it is, people say all kinds of shite when they in the midst of an affair. And so often ,they don’t mean it, or they mean it at the time but, when the affair is discovered, they look back and think….what was I thinking??
People DO recover from infidelity (not a popular opinion here on MN but true nonetheless) , HOWEVER, there is no way that 3 years down the line you should be finding out new information. If your H wanted your relationship to recover, full truth was necessary at the time, not minimising and avoiding, which it seems he has done. What exactly does he have to be angry with you about? He’s lied about the things he said to her, you’ve found out and you are quite rightly, feeling betrayed and disappointed all over again. That is on HIM, all this shite is on him. Times of stress seem to be a big affair trigger for some people, but that doesn’t make it right or remotely acceptable. If this is a deal breaker for you (and I have to be honest, I think it would be for me) that is entirely your right. Or, if you decide you might possibly be able to work it out, you sit him down and tell him to ditch his anger, right fucking NOW and tell you the whole truth. All of it, every awful, painful bit. And, he needs to be aware that affair recovery takes 2-5 years after the last lie - so he has effectively reset the clock and you are starting again. If he hasn’t got the balls to be honest or he doesn’t want to do the (very hard) work or, if you decide you’ve had enough, get rid of him. Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong. The shame and guilt are his and his alone. A few of my friends have been through this over the last couple of years and they have had good advice on the Surviving Infidelity forum….good luck xx

TheSilentPicnic · 30/11/2022 05:28

Mari9999 · 30/11/2022 00:40

OP, generally one does not just find someone else's emails without logging into or looking into their account.
It does not matter what he said during the course of the affair. He said that he would stay with you, and you accepted that decision. You say that he is trying, but the misery that you are feeling now is self inflicted. You don't need further proof of the affair. He has admitted to the affair. People having affairs say and do the things that lovers say and do.

What happened in your marriage was regrettable, but if you cannot let it go, then you should let him go.

If he is trying to make amends, he should not have to put up with constant questions and reminders. Infidelity is no doubt a painful thing to experience, but it does not condemn your partner to a life sentence.

He does not get to dictate how long you hurt, but you in turn don't get to make his life miserable because you can't stop hurting particularly when you are maybe snooping for confirmation of that which you already know.

Let him go if the 2 of you are not committed to trying to have a healthy relationship. You both deserve better.

Bollocks. OP is absolutely entitled to ask questions and not to suppress emotions just because it suits her husband to not talk about it. Doesn't matter whether or not they "agreed" not to discuss it further, new information has come to hand and it has changed everything. Stop cheerleading deceit and gaslighting.
OP - your anger is your friend here, it's telling you that nothing is right about this relationship. The trust has gone and as you have discovered, is irretrievably broken.

Notcreativeatall · 30/11/2022 05:35

It is not your fault!
If he had told you everything about the affair and been open and honest and you had agreed to stay together and work on your relationship in full knowledge of what he had done - then I think he could perhaps feel aggrieved if you kept bringing it up when drunk- but he didn't!!! you can't just sign a blank cheque to forgive and forget when you don't know what you are forgiving

Perime · 30/11/2022 05:48

Please don't apologise. He is not the better man in this situation. He now thinks he's in a position of strength as you've lost it at him and will use this argument against you. Don't give him that power - finish it as soon as he gets up and don't apologise.

Zanatdy · 30/11/2022 07:21

You deserve so much more. I think you do need to end this as it’s going to be so hard living with that knowledge. Stop looking for things to torture yourself with, it’s only going to make you feel worse. Leave and be happy

MsDogLady · 30/11/2022 07:36

HSF, your story sounds familiar. Did your H conduct his affair in your home while you were away having cancer treatments? If so, OW was living with him and using your lovely things, and she even built a wall in your garden.

Whether or not you are the above OP, it sounds like you’ve been in a 3 year false reconciliation. Your H withheld the full story and robbed your consent and choices.

Affair recovery can take 2-5 years, and that is when the truly remorseful cheater provides empathy, honesty, transparency, and a willingness to discuss the infidelity — all to help the betrayed partner heal. Your H clearly never stopped lying, and has continued to have secrets with OW.

He felt entitled to perpetrate a monstrous transgression when you were ill, and has continued to deceive you. He has no right to be angry. You, however, have every right to be incandescent.

Flakjacketon · 30/11/2022 07:50

You are not allowed to mention your breast cancer because he knows that to have an affair and propose to another woman , when you needed him the most, makes him the lowest of the low. So, you are not allowed to remind him that his treatment of you was appalling.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 30/11/2022 07:52

@Highsmithfan

I'm so sorry your going through this.
M

I take my hat off to you because I would struggle to cope with an affair even if I wasn't poorly at the time.

I don't actually think I could stay with my dh after that.

If it's three years down the line and things are still coming out I would be getting my ducks in a row I'm afraid.

You need to heal from not only your surgery and trauma from that but also the way he disrespected you at a time when you needed him.

If it's been festering for three years under the surface it's never going to go away and your relationship will never be what it was.

I would be kicking hiss ass out and concentrate on getting yourself better op.

FlowerArranger · 30/11/2022 07:55

@Highsmithfan - if you've not found CHUMPLADY yet, now would be a good time to look her up...💐

Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 08:10

Op

you should not be apologising for shouting etc because in your shoes I might have reacted far worse! Think a hard slap across the face or certainly thinking that I’d like to do it!

you are such a forgiving human and cheating comes in all shapes and sizes, one night stands, drunken fumbles, emotional affairs, but the situation you describe is pretty cruel and I’m not sure how you have coped for so long with it

are you financially independent?

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 30/11/2022 08:11

WTAF are YOU apologising for? The comment you made was totally valid, he just didn’t like it.

This relationship is probably dead, but have you tried counselling?

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 30/11/2022 08:11

I ask about counselling only to help you. Not because I think you should work at this.

Original poster
Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 08:14

Hello yes we tried counselling. The counsellor told me i had to accept DH would probably always love OW and a person can love 2 people at the same time. He said to accept DH as a ‘good adulterer’ whatever that means. He made things so much worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 08:16

I will look for chumplady. Thank you.

OP posts:
RiveDroite · 30/11/2022 08:17

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 08:14

Hello yes we tried counselling. The counsellor told me i had to accept DH would probably always love OW and a person can love 2 people at the same time. He said to accept DH as a ‘good adulterer’ whatever that means. He made things so much worse.

He sounds like an absolute knobber too

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 30/11/2022 08:18

@Highsmithfan

I would recommend a new councillor and I would be going alone.

There are some shocking councillors out there.

Basically excusing his behaviour is bloody awful.

At a time when your low and feeling like you are you need to surround yourself with stronger people.

I'm sending you virtual flowers 💐 op but I think you need some head space on your own.

Give him his keys and let him leave if he wants to.

Seriously stop apologising and pandering to him.

HE CAUSED THIS NOT YOU

You need to get angry op