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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Terrible row

111 replies

Highsmithfan · 29/11/2022 23:38

This is my problem. For three years I have been trying to get over my husband’s affair. It happened during a horrible time when i was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had a real problem forgetting what went on but as time has passed I have got better at controlling myself and he very much wants to put it all behind us. He says it was a horrible mistake and he never meant to leave me.
recently i found emails he had sent to OW during the affair where he asked her repeatedly to marry him and urged her to leave her husband and run off with him.
I never meant to let him know i have seen the emails but tonight I had too much wine and I asked him how he could have intended to leave me when I was ill and scared. He got absolutely furious. He says he's sick of me and leaving tomorrow and he is lying fully dressed on the sofa (i hid his car keys as he ‘s too drunk to drive).
i don’t know what to do. I can’t forgive this thing of forget it. I don’t feel like apologising but I can’t stand the animosity (although I have obvs caused it).
is it normal to still be upset 3 years post affair?

OP posts:
workshy46 · 30/11/2022 17:05

Oh god, this is so so over. Its like a slow death and it will turn you into a person you are not. It would be one thing if it was just a sex thing, or he was clearly over her but he was obsessed with her to the point of proposing. Even your illness didn't give him pause for the thought.
He will leave you eventually and then you will be just that bit older and wondering why you didn't leave first when you had the chance. The additional wasted years will be hard to stomach.
I feel desperately sorry for you but it is really time to take control over your life.

Soozikinzii · 30/11/2022 17:29

Don't blame yourself for getting angry you can't be a doormat. Of course you're angry ! ......Get all your ducks in a row financially and legally then have a calm think about what you really want and what's best for you xx No one else can possibly answer that question xx

Rubbishname101 · 30/11/2022 18:01

Oh god, this is so so over. Its like a slow death and it will turn you into a person you are not.

^
This

Quiegal · 30/11/2022 18:13

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 17:00

The cancer has made all this v toxic. I understand that i was diagnosed AFTER DH affair started (just) but i am still astounded that he didn’t stop his affair when i told him I had bc. What had I done to make him dislike me so much - really I can’t think of anything. During the therapy he said i worked too much and made him feel like i had no time for him. But i just worked a normal amount and we never had rows or anything.

@Highsmithfan

I am disgusted by all this none of its your fault

Don't believe the counsellor either.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2022 18:48

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 17:00

The cancer has made all this v toxic. I understand that i was diagnosed AFTER DH affair started (just) but i am still astounded that he didn’t stop his affair when i told him I had bc. What had I done to make him dislike me so much - really I can’t think of anything. During the therapy he said i worked too much and made him feel like i had no time for him. But i just worked a normal amount and we never had rows or anything.

Good God, he sounds worse and worse! The cancer centre where DH was treated has a 'whole person' approach. That healing is a combination of mind, body, and spirit. As such we had a couple of meetings with a family social worker during treatment to see how we were doing. One of the things she stressed to me was that during treatment any little 'issues' I might have with DH needed to be set aside for now and dealt with afterwards. Not forgotten, just 'tabled'.

Can I rephrase something for you? The cancer didn't make things toxic. Cancer is a disease, it can't make things toxic in and of itself. People make things toxic, HE made things toxic. HE chose to exhibit toxic behaviour during your cancer journey. So say that..."H made things toxic during my cancer journey with his chosen behaviour".

Yeah, I bet he loved that counselor. And that counselor was obviously full of bias. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't believe and wouldn't spout any of the crap he spouted. A 'good adulterer'? Find me that in the Bible!

Bogeyes · 30/11/2022 19:16

He is turning himself into the victim.

deedeeweewoo · 12/04/2023 16:50

You didn't cause it! If you can stand to do it in the morning, get him to leave for a few nights so you can breathe. You've been through hell x

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 17:53

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 01:14

Yes @Mari9999 I do need to apologise because shouting at someone and making them feel guilty and awful is not nice. My mistake is getting angry and out of control. I should have calmly told him this isn’t working for me and he has to leave.instead of screaming at him about OW and breast cancer like a crazy woman. I am just v disappointed in myself that i cannot get over this thing. I always thought he had my back and it’s shocking to find he didn’t.
now i don’t know how to put it right, ie how to stop the animosity without apologising. Even if we part I don’t want any more confrontation.

He SHOULD feel guilty because he IS guilty.

Having an affair is awful. Having an affair while your partner is undergoing cancer treatment is unforgiveable unless you show you are really, truly sorry,

And I don't think he is.

Be honest, if she'd left her husband he'd have left you in the lurch, wouldn't he?

Who else knows about what he did?

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 17:55

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 08:14

Hello yes we tried counselling. The counsellor told me i had to accept DH would probably always love OW and a person can love 2 people at the same time. He said to accept DH as a ‘good adulterer’ whatever that means. He made things so much worse.

What?

What qualifications did that 'counsellor' have?

I've never heard the like!

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2023 17:57

Highsmithfan · 30/11/2022 12:27

I guess I feel like this will never be ok and I will always think about the affair. This morning he was sober and kind and hugged me and said sorry. He said it was all his fault and He had done all this to me and made me react in the way I do. Nothing is my fault.
I asked if he still loved OW and he said he never even thinks of her, has no contact with her, no idea what she’s doing. I think he’s very guilty about the cancer and has no answer or defence if i mention it because of course there is no defence - it just makes him and her awful people not Romeo and Juliet.
i don’t know what to do now. I just feel wiped out.

You need to find a (very good) counsellor for you

deedeeweewoo · 24/04/2023 13:30

Sounds like he's paying the "counsellor" off - how are you feeling? xxx

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