I think I found a mini vibrator in my car

[howdoIhandlethissituation]

Obviously name changed.

Context: late 40s, married 20 years, two dcs late teens still at home. Sexless marriage for 5 years. Before that very unsatisfactory. No intimacy.
No communication other than day-to-day running of the home and family.
I've checked out but so has he, long ago.
Basically I gave up trying (aka banging head against a brick wall), spent several years getting quite depressed, then went on antidepressants, hrt and had therapy.
Feel better about life in general and in myself, but still not brave enough to fall it a day on my marriage, for the usual reasons: fear of the unknown, upheaval for dcs, financial implications (not dire but scary all the same).

Today I found what I think is a mini vibrator in the compartment on the inside of the driver's door of our shared car. The dcs don't drive. Dh and I are the only ones who could have put it there and it wasn't me. I have never even seen one but it's metallic, pink, about 4 inches long, looks like a bullet and has an AAA battery. Nothing happens when I press the button but I can't think of anything else it could be.

As it was in the car I assume he's been using prostitutes.

So, how do I handle this?

My plan is to try a new battery tomorrow to confirm what it is.

Then check bank account for cash withdrawals.

Advice?

And it’s not just gay men that use sex toys, why would anyone think that?

Laughing very much at the recommend thread under this one...

Of course it matters to the op. I don’t understand why pps keep saying this!

As op previously understood it, her dh wasn’t bothered about having sex with anyone, herself included. It’s a totally different situation if he has strayed and gone outside of the married. Apart from anything else, it’s a much bigger betrayal and means that he has been lying to her all of this time during which she felt unloved and became depressed and was on ADs.

I’ve just come to this thread nrtft and looked at the photo but it looked like a vape to me!

In what way does it make a difference to her situation? The marriage is dead and she's failing herself by remaining in it.

There is so much wrong with your post @Lovemusic33 😂
Clearly you have (I assume) never been in a long marriage, with teenage kids and find the whole process of divorce so overwhelming.

There are many marriages that are sexless but couples hang on in there because the alternative is more scary.

It's so easy to post like you have 'oh get out of this and stop wasting your life'.

That is probably the best thing for the OP to do, and yes, this may be the kick up the bum she needs.

But it's very easy for other people to tell someone to leave when they aren't actually in that relationship, with children.

And also, there are people who have not seen a small vibrator. Many people imagine a vibrator to be a huge pink rubber penis, and unless someone has chosen a sex toy, or browsed online, yes, they might not recognise a mini one.

The OP has not posted a photo.

😂

This cannot be overstated. Do not sniff the thing.

So can't look or sniff it, what are you suggesting? Lick it?

Why would it even matter if he's having an affair? Your marriage is a farce and you only stay with him for the money. Just end it already. Your children are well aware how dysfunctional your marriage is and it's a terrible example for them.

Because an affair matters.split and carry on.an affair is wrong no matter what.

I've never understood that.

Thing about a banjo string, or any string, is that it's only attached at the ends, with a space underneath. I mean, exactly what a frenulum is not is a string.

Unless, I suppose, it's called that not because of its form but because it makes a twanging noise when you pluck it. In which case, I've got a faulty frenulum and no one has ever told me. Which would have been kind of them all them both her.

Are there really people out there that have never seen a vibe (or used one)

The same people that think it's for sticking up your bum. Goodbye forever, vibe.

Beyond parody

I'm thinking she didn't actually take a pic at the time. Could be tricky rummaging for it now...

You said yourself the marriage is dead, so do you care if he is having an affair? Why care?

Either stay married and accept you both have separate lives. Or actually leave to live your separate life.

My vote is it's fallen out of one of the kids bags.
DH took car to be valeted, the worker found it, put it in the door pocket without mentioning it to save embarrassment

Well said

There has actually been an issue recently with posting pictures from the app on iPhone... OP is not necessarily just dense

Are you able to screenshot it and post it yourself. You’re obviously seeing something nobody else is.

It was me who posted the disposable vape, when the OP was trying to establish if it was indeed a vibrator that she had found. From the vague description and her seeming naivety on the subject I asked if it could possibly be a vape that she had found, but when another poster posted pics of a selection of bullets she said it looked like one of those.

Sorry for the confusion!

Because of his deception! They have presumably had previous conversations about the lack of intimacy between them and IF the vibrator is proof of infidelity , her DH has been lying for 5 years and possibly 5 before that. So for half the duration of her marriage, her "reality" was not as she understood it to be. She presumably made important decisions whether to stay or go based on that "reality" which could now be a lie. Do you think she would have stayed all this time if she knew that her husband had been going outside of the marriage for sex? The op is questioning it now on here, so presumably it is making a big difference to her! She wouldn't have posted otherwise! Being deceived for possibly as long as a decade could have quite a profound affect on someone!

Fwiw, I've used a variety of disposable and reusable vapes - none of which take AAA. They're usually internal batteries - either rechargeable via USB or disposable - or 18650 (which are much bigger than AAA and couldn't be mistaken for one).

Otoh, my vibrators come in mains-powered, USB rechargeable, AA or AAA.

In the end I ended up asking him before bed last night.

Me: I found something strange in the car today when I was having a clear out and I have no idea whose it is or how it got there. Do you know anything about it?

Dh: ( Genuinely puzzled look, then lightbulb moment) Oh, you mean the little pink torch in the inside of the door?

Me: Torch?! So you put it there?

Dh: Yeah. I found it behind the windscreen wipers when I was in (town he went to for a work meeting last week)

Me: What do you mean, behind the windscreen wipers?

Dh: I saw something pink stuck there when I came back to the car after my meeting, thought it might come in handy so put it in the door.

Me: It's not a torch, dh. It's a vibrator.

Dh: ( Genuinely surprised) A vibrator?! What would a vibrator be doing there?!

Me: Good question.

I actually believe him.

So either:

• Someone left it there during the 90 minutes my dh was in a meeting. Why? Who? How?
• It fell out of the sky/a plane (but surely that would have shattered my windscreen?)
• It found its way there sometime before that day (again who, why and when?). This means I have potentially been driving around town with a shiny pink vibrator on the bonnet of my car for quite some time.