I think I found a mini vibrator in my car

[howdoIhandlethissituation]

Obviously name changed.

Context: late 40s, married 20 years, two dcs late teens still at home. Sexless marriage for 5 years. Before that very unsatisfactory. No intimacy.
No communication other than day-to-day running of the home and family.
I've checked out but so has he, long ago.
Basically I gave up trying (aka banging head against a brick wall), spent several years getting quite depressed, then went on antidepressants, hrt and had therapy.
Feel better about life in general and in myself, but still not brave enough to fall it a day on my marriage, for the usual reasons: fear of the unknown, upheaval for dcs, financial implications (not dire but scary all the same).

Today I found what I think is a mini vibrator in the compartment on the inside of the driver's door of our shared car. The dcs don't drive. Dh and I are the only ones who could have put it there and it wasn't me. I have never even seen one but it's metallic, pink, about 4 inches long, looks like a bullet and has an AAA battery. Nothing happens when I press the button but I can't think of anything else it could be.

As it was in the car I assume he's been using prostitutes.

So, how do I handle this?

My plan is to try a new battery tomorrow to confirm what it is.

Then check bank account for cash withdrawals.

Advice?

@RandomMusings7 oh aren't you hilarious? 🙄
@TheSilentPicnic not abuse, straight talk. It's not a marriage, it's an arrangement so why does the OP even care? She admits they've BOTH checked out so just carry on as normal or leave, it's not difficult. If the OP wants a hug and a handhold then this isn't the place to find that from 100% of comments now is it?

You don't get to police what people care about @Tessabelle74.

Have you sniffed it yet?

@Sundayvibes 😂

Cmon OP, we need the photo

@RandomMusings7 where was I policing it? I was stating that she admits she isn't in a marriage but a financial arrangement, what they do aside from that is nothing to do with the other.

Highly unlikely a man would use it on himself.
He's more likely to buy a doll, or part of a doll , or just wank, surely?

The most likely reason is he's seeing someone and maybe picking them up in his car.

But what's puzzling is why would he hold onto (no pun intended) a women's vibrator? Can't she look after it herself?

Maybe it was planted OP and he is hoping you will find it as an escalation of your relationship.

It's not unknown for affairs to be discovered on purpose, to make the exit from the marriage easier.

Oh don't be so silly @Tessabelle74 If a couple have an open marriage, it's discussed and agreed to. It's not a default setting for a sexless marriage.

Without that conversation, any playing away is just that- an affair.

@LouiseAh
I'm trying to imagine the man who buys a vibrator, unwraps it, dumps it in the footwell and waits for the drama, in order to escape his marriage. He is one messed up mofo 🤣

You should also check under the sofa for the infamous "Mumsnet Knickers" ;)

@LouiseAh I quote the OP

" but still not brave enough to fall it a day on my marriage, for the usual reasons: fear of the unknown, upheaval for dcs, financial implications (not dire but scary all the same)."

No mention that she loves him, so no, it's NOT a marriage. If you're only with someone because you're scared of being skint, you have no right to care what they do.
Besides, who's to say the vihrwtor didn't fall out of the child's bag?

Be careful with assumptions about knickers. I moved house and my new home's radiators periodically gift me a thong or two. Probably need to buy pipe cleaner.

This thread is hilarious

🤢

If you want an excuse or reason to leave DH then fine….. however I have a teenage son and found one in his bedroom, he just laughed it off and said because Poundland or some other cheap shop sells them now loads of teenagers and especially girls have them, especially with how small they are.
it could be either of your children or it could of been dropped somewhere and picked up without knowing what it was.
Also don’t assume your children wouldn’t - you’d be shocked with how things have changed in the past few years! I also work with teenagers so hear a lot of what goes on.

No mention that she loves him, so no, it's NOT a marriage

This is one of the best mumsnet threads I've read - it's literally the gift that keeps giving. I'm nominating it for Classics!

What makes a marriage is a marriage certificate. That's it. Literally the only prerequisite @Tessabelle74.

Again, stop policing OP's feelings. She is allowed to care if her legal husband is playing away.

🤣

Could your husband be gay? That could explain years of lack of intimacy and the vibrator.

If women stop policing other women, then where does that leave the Mumsnet forums?

I also vote for this way of handling @howdoIhandlethissituation
😅

Particularly with the dead elf bar

Have you intentionally got hold of the wrong end of the stick (or vibrator) @SuspiciousHedgehog ?

I didn't say he'd bought it and left it as a 'message'.
I meant he was careless about hiding it, post-use.

He'd not be the first man to leave evidence, on purpose - men have been known to leave receipts, phone numbers (in the olden days when they were scribbled on the back of an envelope) etc, so their partner finds out.

It's the PA method of telling them something's up.

@LouiseAh I'm not saying that P/A vibrator man doesn't exist...rather that he's deviously messed up.

Whether he's having an affair or not, it's secondary to the evil of planting a vibrator where wife will find it.

It's not about the destination, as much as the journey 😅

The whole "it's fine to cheat if you're in a sexless marriage" schtick some of you have going on just seems like a version of the script to me. Not having sex doesn't automatically give you permission to cheat. Not being in love definitely doesn't. Loads of people go through stages of their marriage where they don't feel in love, the idea that it's not cheating to sleep with someone else when that happens is wild to me. The person who wants to sleep with people outside of their marriage needs to tell the person that they are married to. They can either then decide on an open marriage or they can divorce. Marriage isn't just about love and sex, it's a life long commitment that you both agree to. There is no automatic get out of marriage free card. It requires an actual conversation. Anything else is adultery.

So many things wrong with this thread 🤣

I can’t believe that some people can not identify a small vibe/sex toy, people saying ‘it could be a vape’, surely people no the difference between a sex toy and a vape pen? Are there really people out there that have never seen a vibe (or used one).

secondly, why is OP still with someone she no longer has feeling with (and he has no feelings for her)? She’s wasting her life away missing out on having fun. Ditch this loser and get yourself a sex toy 😂

Do not sniff the vibe/vape pen.

Feel relieved that he’s having an affair…..at least you now have a reason to get rid of him without feeling it’s your fault, this new woman can now put up with him.