Sexual coercion in marriage - Can it be forgiven.

[Notsureonusername1]

I am currently in the process of separating from my husband of 12 years Whom I share 3 children with. We’ve had good times in plenty but it’s mostly been quite toxic. Lots of arguments etc.
After being unhappy for so long (have previously separated for pretty much same reasons) and finally giving myself a kick up the ass to ‘work in myself’ and reaching out for therapy I started to see a lot of issues in our relationship I hadn’t previously seen before, such as gaslighting, manipulation and the biggest issue, sexual coercion. All these obviously made the toxic issues in our relationship feel much more understandable to more and see why exactly I have been so unhappy.

my question is really … has anyone been through similar … sexual coercion on a regular basis for many many years… with use of tactics such a guilt, pestering, not listening and continuing, sulking etc and managed to get over it and the resentment caused by it to then continue the relationship?

Im not sure if I’m just scared of all the big life changes coming up or I am actually considering continuing to try but asking anyway.

I am hoping all this makes sense.

Yes non stop from both husbands OP. It's soul destroying and I feel so much better single with nobody to answer to.
Good luck with your journey I hope it brings you happiness.

I have become a bit of a man hater though.

Actual question 'should I ignore the fact that my husband is a monster and continue to stay with him, telling myself I have no right to respect, boundaries or my feelings for the rest of my life. And setting this example for my kids to follow'.

No.
Fuck no.
Times a million billion.
With bells on.

Sex offenders need eradicated from society. ‘Not listening and continuing’-he’s a rapist, OP. Did you report the rapes? Contact the rape crisis centre for support. Get the vermin out of your life. I hope one day he will face prosecution.

Absolutely do not go for counselling with your abuser and rapist, it’s a really really bad idea and no decent counsellor would do it.

There’s no excuse for rape apologists.

After I split with my ex he became my best friend, then eventually we got back together for a couple of years (before splitting up for unrelated reasons.)

He did realize how wrongly he'd acted with the sexual coercion, and stopped it.

But that was maybe partly because his health got worse. Before that he used to say 'I deserve it' and shag me while I was drunk/asleep, or major strops if he didn't get it.

I think it's rare for abusive men to change.

I did the Freedom Programme after another nasty experience @Notsureonusername1 . I'd recommend it. Your ex might be trying everything to persuade you to get back with him, but that's part of the Cycle of Abuse.

I see my post was deleted.
It’s important for the OP to understand the meaning of coercion and whether it applies to her situation, because from what she writes I am not seeing a description of coercion.

@Palmfrond

use of tactics such a guilt, pestering,{...} sulking etc

This is sexual coercion.

not listening and continuing

This is rape.

HTH.

It's actually a form of abuse. I don't have much time but sending hugs

Very well put.

No, you can't change him. No there is no coming back from years of abuse.

Be strong.

Maybe you need glasses...?

I use the term sexual coercion as this is what I was lead to believe it was after talking to woman’s aid and then another team in the area woman’s aid put me in contact with … I have wondered though because he’s not terrible but will badger, go on, guilt me, strop … often says things like ‘don’t you love me’ ‘if you love me you would’ … sometimes he will just keep trying, a few times putting his fingers into me or himself to try get me ‘in the mood’ as he says, normally after I’ve said no.
he will sulk and get angry sometimes if I say no, or tell me how long it’s been like making it a point.
I do wonder if because I tend to just in I’ve kinda caused it and made him this person, especially if he’s feeling unloved

Don't let these ignorant posters make you doubt yourself @Notsureonusername1 . The professionals you've spoken to are right that it's coercion and rape. This is not normal and it's not your fault.

@altmember "withholding" sex is not a thing, because no one is owed sex. You can't withhold something someone is not entitled to in the first place.

The fact you are victim blaming, trying to paint OP with the same brush as her sexually coercive husband is deeply deeply unsettling. And mysoginystic.

You give me rapey vibes...

OP Change is hard but this is a change you absolutely should make.

Why do you want to forgive? Everything you've said about him screams vile, abusive monster. You need to break free, not find reasons to forgive and forget.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be hard. Sometimes it takes lots of tries to actually escape. Her husband has probably spent years fucking with her head.

So on the same basis, there's no such thing as sexual coercion because you should want sex with your partner.

It's not the wanting that is coercive. Is how he goes about expressing his need and not taking no for an answer. It's the not stopping when asked to, the emotional blackmail, etc.

If you can't see that, you're just as bad as the husband.

It's coercion....can be very subtle but he knows how to use your emotions to get what he wants knowing that you don't...the getting angry is just the nastier end not acceptable.

Then you don't understand what coercion means.

OP says:

sexual coercion on a regular basis for many many years… with use of tactics such a guilt, pestering, not listening and continuing, sulking etc

Here are some examples of coercion:

A person may try to sexually coerce someone through:
• Harassment: Repeatedly asking someone for sex when they have expressed disinterest is coercive behaviorTrusted Source
, especially if it intends to wear someone down until they give in.
• Guilt: A person may try to make someone feel guilty for saying no to sex. For example, they may emphasize how long it has been since they last had sex, say that the person owes them sex, or that it is their obligation as their partner.

And by the way @Palmfrond "not listening and continuing" is rape. No ifs, ands, buts or grey area. You get that, yes?

@altmember

Do you not understand consent?

He 'doesn't listen and continues' to have sex with her when she doesn't want to.

You understand that's rape, yes?

@monsteramunch
Coercion means obtaining a result by threat of violence, blackmail, or similar. Pestering or guilt tripping do not constitute coercion.

I do however want to retract what I said earlier; it’s actually not important that OP knows what coercion means. What’s important is for her to reach a place of clarity, which will be best achieved by seeking real world help. A barrage of meaningless mumsnet rape accusations is not helpful.

And @Notsureonusername1 , non consensual penetration with fingers (or anything else) is a serious crime, ie assault by penetration.