Sexual coercion in marriage - Can it be forgiven.

[Notsureonusername1]

I am currently in the process of separating from my husband of 12 years Whom I share 3 children with. We’ve had good times in plenty but it’s mostly been quite toxic. Lots of arguments etc.
After being unhappy for so long (have previously separated for pretty much same reasons) and finally giving myself a kick up the ass to ‘work in myself’ and reaching out for therapy I started to see a lot of issues in our relationship I hadn’t previously seen before, such as gaslighting, manipulation and the biggest issue, sexual coercion. All these obviously made the toxic issues in our relationship feel much more understandable to more and see why exactly I have been so unhappy.

my question is really … has anyone been through similar … sexual coercion on a regular basis for many many years… with use of tactics such a guilt, pestering, not listening and continuing, sulking etc and managed to get over it and the resentment caused by it to then continue the relationship?

Im not sure if I’m just scared of all the big life changes coming up or I am actually considering continuing to try but asking anyway.

I am hoping all this makes sense.

And he’s being nice to the kids because that’s an easy way to get to you. But think about when he’s shouting at them so badly you feel that you have to step in. That’s him. He’s worried because he’s losing control and he wants you back so he can carry on abusing you. Has he told you he will want 50/50 custody?

He has said he will want them 3-4 days/nights a week
When I said no to that he made out I was saying he couldn't have his children but that's not what I meant at all.

I have never ever wanted nothing more than him to have a good relationship with the children. I've done nothing but encourage and beg for it over the years. Of course he has his good moments, I won't ever says he hasn't but really not that often at all. His games normally come first and his patience is very thin but I've always always tried.
I do feel so nervous when he's left with them as 9 times out of 10 one of the children will message that he's being mean or whatever (he says they are playing us of against each other when they do this and it's because I'm a pushover) or can they have breakfast or lunch as he's still in bed. I get they are getting more independent now at 9+ years old and often choose to sit in rooms, go out with friends etc, especially the 12 and 14 year olds but still. It's just the way in which he talks to them sometimes.

My ex was extremely sexually coercive. My biggest regret is it took me so long to leave. I cannot though explain the relief you’ll feel when that toxicity is cut from your life. Good luck op, stay focussed.

OP, you've done amazingly well separating from him. Really well done. That's so hard to do, and it's a great, great step. I have an image of you just two steps after a cross roads. The path you are on is towards freedom. Your children having a happy mum, and seeing a good example of how to take care of yourself.... and if/when you want it, you having a loving relationship, with someone who treats you well, who you feel your best, happiest self with, and who totally respects it when you don't want sex. No pressure, no guilt, no nagging.

The other direction is with a man who has shown who he is. Yes, sometimes he acts nice. He says he loves you. But you KNOW he is capable of riding roughshod over what you feel. You KNOW he is capable of having sex with you when he really knows you are not enjoying it and don't want it (yes, raping you). You also know that you have told him numerous times what you need, that he has promised to change, then failed to. He has told you quite clearly that he doesn't give you what you need, because the rewards for him don't come fast enough (ie he has no motivation to give you what you need to help you be happy - just in order to get what he wants from you). The character of the man you are describing won't change. So you really do know what's down that path.... and you know it's miserable.

But I get it. It feels like a known misery at least.

The fresh path you are on feels unknown, with no guarantees. And that's pretty scary. It's really really understandable to be scared.

But you've asked a few times, can it really be better on this new path, and the answer is yes,

You have got so used to this man's behaviour, that you are not sure there is better out there. And of course he has tried to convince you that there is worse out there, because he wants you to be scared and step backwards into the other path.
But there really is much better out there on this new path. First off, being single is better. You are free of that weight, that worry. You are no longer around somebody who is eroding your self worth and violating your boundaries. You have time to heal and refind yourself.

Then if you become involved with another man, you can expect far better than your past experience. Yes, good men are out there. My DP has a very high sex drive. But he wouldn't dream of pressuring me into sex if I'm not in the mood. It's been several months now, I've been wanting far less sex than usual, for various reasons. When I asked him how he was doing, he simply said "Don't worry my love, I've got hands." In fact, I can't even tell if he wants it and is frustrated at all because he leaves me in such peace. When I asked him about it, he just explained "my love- I know you're dealing with so much and your emotional well-being is all that matters to me. When I know you're not 100% sexually excited, I become incapable of wanting it too - it's like a switch that goes off for me. There is no problem here for you to worry about".

I'm telling you this in some detail because I think you have understandably lost a sense of what normal should look like. My DP is no kind of hero. I don't need to feel grateful to him. He simply understands, like normal, healthy men who love their partners, that he isn't owed sexual satisfaction. He is incapable of pushing sex on me when he knows I don't want it. And he cares more about my personhood than he does about getting his sexual desires met. These are basics for decent men. And there are lots of decent men out there.

You are having a wobble today.
That's natural.

But you are on the right path already, OP. Just pause, breathe, and when you are ready, keep taking more steps.

You’ve told him he’s a shit Dad because he is a shit Dad.
He’s making you question yourself-this is what they do.
I went through the same process…. Something that helped me was when I read that narcissistic people never wonder if they are or not or examine their behaviour.
He is the one with all the issues. Get yourself and your kids out of this.
Its hard at times but once you are settled being a single parent is amazing.

He won’t want the kids that often. I’d bet my life on it. He’s playing games.Trying to force you into an argument and trying to guilt trip you. Tell him what the plan is and ignore his noise.

Absolutely this.

He knows he's a dreadful father and you are all pulling away.

Be clear on this, soon those children will not want to be around him much and there will be nothing he can do about it.

Keep all those texts about him shouting and being mean when he is with them.

Please do not capitulate.
You will bitterly regret it if you do.

Once you are free and safe, you will be so thrilled at the peace you will feel.

Hiya. Not had time to read fully the last posts but wanted to point out...

How reasonably op is in her assessment of abuser.
And how she minimises and draws back and tries to be fair.

That means the risks are greater.

And as a side note, arent we always accused of hyping it up, when the reverse is actually true?