He suggested ‘we’ start going to the gym

[Starlight31]

Hi my boyfriend has suggested that ‘we start going to the gym and get in shape.

he has gained a stone in the 3 months we’ve been dating. I haven’t gained any weight - I’m just under 9 stone and I’m 5ft4 and wear size 8 to 10 clothes. I walk my dog about 3 hours every day and I go to Pilates every week.

I took this to mean he wants me to lose weight and he was like no I didn’t say that I mean be healthy as we might want to have children soon and need to be as healthy as possible. I pointed out I already do lots and he was like you do no exercise and Pilates doesn’t count. He said I should be doing cardio like running or cycling. I asked him was he going to the gym then and he said he might do stuff at home.

it’s really knocked my confidence. I can’t stop thinking I’m fat now and need to lose weight. He has certainly gained weight and doesn’t seem to do any exercise whatsoever and yet he’s harping on at me about this and saying I would probably do badly on a bleep test

He's literally told you he doesn't think you need to lose weight. Are you generally very insecure and prone to taking offence where none is intended? He just wants a gym buddy and he's right that pilates doesn't do much for your cardiovascular fitness.

Just sounds like he doesn't want to go on his own to me

i think its more that he knows he needs to lose weight but probably too self conscious to go to gym on own so was wanting you to go with him. He has handled it clumsily but very much doubt he was trying to knock your confidence.

You've been dating for 3 months and he think you might want to start having babies soon?

Nonono. Just insane. Huge red flag!

Umm...why is ge taking about having babies 3 months into dating?

And yeah the way ge followed up the discussion shows clearly that he wants you to feel you aren't healthy.

Fair enough if he wanted a gym buddy, but he doesn't. So, wtf?

Seems geared at making you feel insecure tbh.
He's starting to show you he is abusive. Break for it.

And if you make the mistake of staying, DO NOT get pregnant!

You sound pretty similar to me in build, dress size and activity/exercise levels, OP. I would indeed do quite badly in a bleep test and could do with doing more cardio. So he’s not wrong on that score. And I very much doubt he’s calling you fat.

But - and it could be a big but - what is this about ‘we’ need to go to the gym to get healthy but he ‘might do stuff at home’? Either you’re in it together or you’re not. It sounds a bit controlling so if that’s what’s got your back up - him trying to tell you what to do - then have a think about it. Is it a one-off or a pattern?

Three months!

I don't really get it as you know you aren't fat and that you do enough exercise so just say you don't want to join the gym.

OMG - 3 months! I missed that very important detail.

Be very wary. Do not talk about babies!!

And he's trying to drag you to the gym when you don't want to go, and telling you your Pilates and walking are not exercise.... Please be careful!

Did you mean 3 months?

Ignoring the baby comment being very odd after 3 months, sounds like he wants your support and is more likely to stick to it if you go together.

Seriously baby, run. He is trying to knock your confidence.

I can only assume the early posters didn't read your full post. The guy said he doesn't want to go to the gym, he just wants op to go! (Or rather, to feel insecure about her weight).

Partners are supposed to make you feel good in yourself op. This guy is a knob who for whatever reason, wants you to feel like you aren't 'enough'. Fuck being around people like that.

Seriously op I suspect you've missed some red flags before now but if you haven't, then his mask is dropping and they are coming in now thick and fast

When people show u Who they are, listen.

Also, I know I implied it already but that baby comment...fucking creepy!

I'd offer to go once a week to be supportive maybe if the membership wasn't extortionate. But I think you do enough exercise and don't entertain it if you won't enjoy it. And most gyms cost too much to go once a week.

Why would you stick around when he’s talking to you like that after only three months? He’s just shown you who he is, run! (Or walk, three hours of walking a day is loads of activity, and of course Pilates “counts”, but you know that already….).

⛳x100

Oh I didn't realise he wasn't intending to go!

Tell him you are just fine and he's the one who needs to get fit and lose weight then. And don't have a baby with him.

THIS!

Also I asked him was he going to the gym then and he said he might do stuff at home. Is he going to the gym or not?

OP, your relationship sounds very odd and you appear to have some extreme body confidence issues if you’re an 8 to 10, but now ‘can’t stop thinking you’re fat’. None of this is healthy.

Run like the wind!

And don't look back!

If he wanted to join the gym I can see why he might want it to be something you did together.
However, the red flags are his criticism of your current activities and his seeming reluctance to go himself, which seems to me to be projecting. There's also an element of trying to mask his own inadequacy by presenting himself as the expert improving you.
I see nothing to suggest he thinks you're fat.

I hope this is sinking in op! Because he's definitely a wrongun!

Either

1. He insecure about his own weight and rather than to get healthy, he has decided to try to crush your self esteem so that you feel you can't do any better than him. (And that, is some fucked up shit).
2. He isn't insecure about his weight at all. And literally just brought this up deliberately to crush your self esteem. Because he's 3 months in now and figures you are into him enough that he can start dropping the mask that was hiding his abusive nature.

Neither of these men are suitable partners.
(Let alone parents!)

Really, don't get pregnant by this man. And, if you want children, leave him immediately and find someone else.

Disregarding the other blaring signals that PPs are pointing out, I wouldn't carry on with a relationship in which my partner made me feel insecure about my body, especially not 3 months in.

In a healthy relationship, you could have just said 'No thanks love, not really my thing', and got on with your day without giving it further thought. This level of concern over 'SHould we join the gym?' indicates an insecure connection. DOn't bring a baby into this.

And if you're thinking 'maybe I'll just have a chat eith him and make him understand how his comments made me feel' then he's got you right where he wants you!

You should never have to explain to someone why obviously unacceptable comments and behaviour are not ok.

Chances are he will either,

1. Tell you you misheard (you didnt)
2. Tell you you misunderstood (you didnt)
3. Tell you you ate over sensitive or over reacting (you are not)
4. Try and justify his comments.
5. Pretend in the short term to be sorry but then repeat similar behaviour designed to knock your self esteem within the next few months.
6. Throw something you've apparently done or said wrong to him in recent weeks and make you into the bad guy.

He KNOWS his comments were wrong (They were meant to be). He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

So don't get caught on a merry go round of explaining why his hurtful behaviour is hurtful. Just get off the ride and run. Run fast, run far and as pp said, don't look back!

I’d just say “no I think I look great and I’m healthy as I am.”

Then smile and move the conversation on.

Don’t dwell on it. Probs just him being insecure himself.