He suggested ‘we’ start going to the gym

[Starlight31]

Hi my boyfriend has suggested that ‘we start going to the gym and get in shape.

he has gained a stone in the 3 months we’ve been dating. I haven’t gained any weight - I’m just under 9 stone and I’m 5ft4 and wear size 8 to 10 clothes. I walk my dog about 3 hours every day and I go to Pilates every week.

I took this to mean he wants me to lose weight and he was like no I didn’t say that I mean be healthy as we might want to have children soon and need to be as healthy as possible. I pointed out I already do lots and he was like you do no exercise and Pilates doesn’t count. He said I should be doing cardio like running or cycling. I asked him was he going to the gym then and he said he might do stuff at home.

it’s really knocked my confidence. I can’t stop thinking I’m fat now and need to lose weight. He has certainly gained weight and doesn’t seem to do any exercise whatsoever and yet he’s harping on at me about this and saying I would probably do badly on a bleep test

what a freak. I would not go simply in order to take a stand and see how he copes. Expect him to implode. You sound nice he does not.

I pointed out I already do lots and he was like you do no exercise and Pilates doesn’t count. He said I should be doing cardio like running or cycling. I asked him was he going to the gym then and he said he might do stuff at home.

he gave himself away right there. Let me translate:

"Pilates doesn't count"= I want you to do cardio because that's what burns calories and makes you drop weight. So it's not about health, it's about looks

"I might do stuff at home" = this isn't about spending time together or having an accountability buddy or not wanting to go to the gym alone. This is a ruse to get you to exercise while I pretend to...

Thanks you, neeeext!

@Pinkbonbon I totally missed that! What a tosser.

So you’ve dating for 3 months and he’s already put on 3 stone, talked about having children and now you think he’s called you fat even though you’re not and he said you’re not???

Let me guess, you both didn’t want to be single at Christmas.

I give it until January 2nd.

I thought that until I saw he’s not proposing to go to the gym with her. He wants her to go alone and he ‘might do stuff at home’. Different kettle of fish, entirely.

You're underweight if anything. And don't even think of having with this controlling man. I'd be seriously worried if I was you by CT

You've only been dating for THREE MONTHS and he's blathering about "we might want to have children soon". What the actual fuck? I'll come back to this.

Obviously the 'we' going to the gym would actually be 'you' since he's definitely not going, just the ultra-vague "he might do stuff at home." I suspect the 'stuff' would be stuffing his face ...

Honestly? Give yourself a shake. You must be able to see, logically, that he's talking bollocks. You live an active life and your weight is steady and healthy. He is a lazy arse who's weight is climbing FAST. How can you listen to fatboy and end up that you "can’t stop thinking I’m fat now and need to lose weight"? I mean - how? HOW? How low can your self-esteem be for you to take him in any way seriously?

And to go back to my initial reaction - WTAF? Are you considering children? Why would you be considering having children with someone you barely know? Someone who makes you feel bad about yourself for no reason and with no justification? Again, just how low is your self-esteem?

Ditch the fatboy, and do some work on yourself. You need to work out how you can be so badly affected by something you should be able to either laugh off or respond to with a sarcastic 'don't project your weight gain on me, go and do some exercise you lazy arse or eat less yourself'. Self-esteem. That's what you need, not visits to the gym.

He’s probably just self conscious about going to the gym alone, but his stupid male pride won’t let him. Putting a stone on in 3 months is a lot though!

But he doesnt want to go to the gym with her. He "might do things at home" while she goes...

I took that to mean that if OP wasn’t going to go to the gym with him he might exercise at home no?

Read my post, I asked op whether he meant together or not because it’s confusing.

So he's the one who's gained weight and is out of shape, but he thinks you should go to the gym?

Give him a long hard look (at his belly, preferably) and tell him to take a long hike.

Possibly? But he's still telling a slim woman who walks 3 hours every day and does pilates every week that she 'does no exercise'. And 'keeps harping on about it' Preachy af. Not to mention hypocritical seen as she isn't the one that's put a stone on in the last 3 month.

Where does he get off commenting on her exercise routine!

She suggested 'we' start going to the gym

Hi my girlfriend has suggested that ‘we start going to the gym and get in shape.

She has gained a stone in the 3 months we’ve been dating. I haven’t gained any weight - I’m just under 10 stone and I’m 5ft10 and wear size S-M clothes. I walk my dog about 3 hours every day and I go to football every week.

I took this to mean she wants me to lose weight and she was like no I didn’t say that I mean be healthy as we might want to have children soon and need to be as healthy as possible. I pointed out I already do lots and she was like you do no exercise and football doesn’t count. She said I should be doing cardio like running or cycling. I asked her was she going to the gym then and she said she might do stuff at home.

it’s really knocked my confidence. I can’t stop thinking I’m fat now and need to lose weight. She has certainly gained weight and doesn’t seem to do any exercise whatsoever and yet she’s harping on at me about this and saying I would probably do badly on a bleep test

Oh yes I’m not saying that he’s in the right about how he’s gone about things at all! Just wanted to reassure OP that it’s probably more about him not wanting to admit to his insecurity about going to the gym alone, rather than the fact that he thinks she’s overweight.

Yeah the reverse doesn't change things.

• Mentioning kids 'soon' 3 months in - crazy
• Expecting you to change your gym habits because she said so - controlling
• Telling you you 'don't exercise' when infact its her that doesn't- hypocritical and projection

Male or female, they aren't all there in the head department. Still a run fir the hill scenario.

Also, it's different anyway because men aren't conditioned to worry about their weight. It's not an insecurity for them generally in the same way it is for women.

I would stop seeing him, just because he wants to go to the gym, he's trying to make you feel bad about yourself to go with him not by asking you nicely to join him which really isn't on.

What @qqq82 said

The biggest alarm bell in your post, op, is the mention of possibly wanting children. After 3 months together? That's seriously worrying. To be talking about babies after 3 months is either love bombing (in which case run a mile) or he's REALLY immature.

The other stuff - if he meant that he wants you to join a gym but not him, did you ask him why he thinks you need more exercise than him despite being fitter?

Sounds to me like he realises he's put weight on and wants company to help him take it off. I've not read anything you've said that makes it about your weight, this post screams low self esteem if I'm honest 🤷

Didn't realise you're 3 months in, the kids thing is fucking wierd, honestly I'd bin this one off and book some therapy if it's only the gym/ weight thing worrying you when there's a lot more to be worried about here than that 💐

I have a history of eating issues in the past with yo-yo dieting and restricting and then binge eating. That’s why the comment has hit me, it’s something I’ve always been sensitive about

Then he is the last sort of person you need to be around.

I'm guessing he knows you have insecurities about your weight and that's why he used this particular tactic to hit at your self esteem.

He's not a nice man op.
Please tell me he doesn't have keys to your home and will be easy to dump.

I wouldn’t have thought that if my partner said it to me, I would have thought he wanted support and encouragement!

I think he just wants a gym buddy

But am flabbergasted that you walk the dog for 3 hours each day? Alongside a job ?