I had to give DM the worst news

[anotherNameJustForThis]

I’ve name changed for this as I feel it must be very outing. I’ve never known anyone to have done what I had to do the other day.

DM is 79 and has cancer. She had surgery a few weeks ago and when the surgeon spoke to us afterwards, she told us that she was unable to remove it all. She told us that she would know more after pathology results were back but that there was more diseased tissue than she’d expected which made her think this cancer was very aggressive.

DM is really ‘on the ball’ generally, however, is not taking a lot of this in so she asked me to deal with the doctor and gain all the information. The doc called me with pathology results. It is, as she suspected, a very aggressive cancer and she asked if I wanted to know the prognosis. DM hadn’t asked and she said that one part of her job was to understand what each person wanted to know. I told her I wanted her to tell me everything. She told me DM had “months, not a year”. It felt like a blow but I could almost pretend I hadn’t heard that because DM didn’t know and she and my step-dad were talking in very positive terms. The doc also reminded me that DM is currently asymptomatic so should do what she can to enjoy life while she can.

All week conversation with DM has been mainly about her cancer. How scared she is but hopeful that chemo would buy her a few years. She thought she could maybe have 5 years, etc. she kept asking me things that I (stupidly) thought I was successfully side-stepping without her noticing. Of course she bloody noticed!

On Friday night, she asked me outright, looked me in they eye and said, “my name, I know you’d tell me if you knew something that I didn’t.”
So I had to tell my mum that she is dying, that she didn’t even have a year left.
It sounds like a cliche but she recoiled as if I’d punched her. Then I had to tell her husband.

I just wish I hadn’t visited that day. We have an appointment at the hospital soon and I wish she’d waited till then. I feel awful for telling her but how could I not?

It actually felt like I had killed a little bit of her, her hope.

Maybe it’s an expected human response but immediately my step dad started reframing it:
⁃ How could the doctor possibly know this (pathology),
⁃ how can she predict a timescale (pathology plus experience of others with this type of cancer),
⁃ ‘John’ down the road was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and I saw him out running today (John is 40 and had an entirely different prognosis)
⁃ Etc etc.

The thing is, I believe the doctor. I don’t know why a seemingly healthy (asymptomatic) woman will die in a few month because she seems fine now, but I believe she will.

I think I am writing this for myself, not really for any answers. I don’t feel that I’m coping very well and don’t know what to do.

I am so so sorry, you really shouldn't have been the one to tell your dm that news x

Oh OP you have been unbelievably brave and loving being so straightforward with her and taking on this role. Get some support for you please, you're going to need it.

Yes FIL is going through denial which is totally fine and only to be expected. You can't take care of everyone, so I suggest you concentrate on a) your mum and b) yourself.

So sorry you're having to deal with this. You sound like a very, very loving daughter.

You absolutely did the right thing telling her.

The denial is to be expected.

All you can do is be there for her, be supportive and deal with issues as they arise 💐

So sorry, that sounds so awful. It seems quite natural your step-dad would react with some denial. It is so tough you had to respond but as you said she asked you directly.

Do you have any siblings or friends who can support you? You understandably feel terrible for your mother but you need support too. Really sorry.

Sorry I mean step-dad not FIL. Not fully awake.

I’m so so sorry you had to do this.

I lost my Mum to a brain tumour which from diagnosis to death took less than four months.

I hope you can get some support for yourself at this time, and I’m sending hugs and strength.

that was incredibly difficult for you, and you did it anyway, with kindness. Well done

as for what you do now… I’d take the lead from your mum. Give them some time to take the news in and then see what she wants/how you can help.

Whilst I don't wish to give false hope, in my dad's case it wasn't an exact science. At first the consultant predicted six months at the most, more likely 3 months. He had small cell lung cancer which is typically an aggressive cancer and it was already in the lymph nodes when discovered. He lived another 3 years.

I think the consultant put you in a difficult position personally. Obviously none of it can be taken back but knowing how important hope was to my dad, I wouldn't disagree with your stepfather. Instead I'd gently encourage your mum to spend time doing things she enjoys, spend time with family etc on the grounds that if the consultant is right then the time isn't wasted.

My fil has cancer too and whilst he won't discuss prognosis etc, he's very much about the memory making right now. Even going on theme park rides with my kids much to the amusement of mil and I think that's the best/healthiest way of dealing as hard as it must be.

Also be kind to yourself. I ended in the position that both my parents knew dad's end was near and would talk to me about it but wouldn't to each other and that was hard.

All they can tell you is that the average person with her cancer, at that stage lives x months. She may live longer, but no-one can tell you that. It isn't that the doctors have seen something specific in the biopsy that says how long she will live, it's simply what type of cancer cells they are & how quickly they are growing. Hugs to you all.

I'm so sorry, delivering that news sounds incredibly hard but it sounds like you handled it.

Your step dad may well be reeling, you've had a bit more time to wrap your head round it, entirely normal to go through denial and bargaining, talking about it will help with coming to terms with it, either together or with a counsellor.

The macmillan helpline is an amazing resource 0808 808 00 00, they can help with the shock and to talk through the diagnosis.

I do not recommend googling even if you are tempted, best piece of advice is that there is no empathy in a search engine, and that's the one thing I found you need lots of.

Well done OP, that was brave and kind and the right thing to do.

It actually felt like I had killed a little bit of her, her hope.

No: you gave her the chance to live whatever time is left without illusion. You gave her the chance of a real relationship with you and others, instead of having a barrier of falsity between you. You gave her the chance to make plans for the precious time she has left, instead of saving up for a cruise holiday in 3 years' time. You gave her a chance to come to terms with her own fate.

She desperately wanted this information, which is why she was fishing for it, and why she finally confronted you for it. She trusted you to tell her because she knows you love her. Well done. 💗💗💗💗💗

Her immediate reaction, and your FIL's, is understandable, but it's not the end of the story.

(((HUG)))

I'm sorry to hear about the cancer & prognosis xx

Having to be the one to tell your Mum is very very hard. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do, but it sounds like you did it well.

your SD's denial, scepticism & hope is all natural.

it's very hard to believe when the person looks well.

maybe try to frame it that none of us knows when we might be run over. By a bus, so let's do our best to enjoy every day & make memories for our old age.

Lots of love & hugs
xx

I'm so sorry OP that is the hardest conversation
I think its especially hard when people are very positive and looking to the future, you don't want to take that away from them. But she specifically asked. And now that you all know, you can deal with the news together if comfortable, or in your own ways.

MyDdad had cancer in the last 4 years of his life. He had periods of remission and lived life to the full. But for about a year before he died he talked about wanting to go on a cruise "when his walking improved". Siblings and I kept encouraging him to book - that cruises would happily accommodate people who were frail/elderly/not good at walking but he wanted to wait til he was better. We thought he should go while he was still able. He never went.

Mg dad didn’t want to know but said we could ask the dr whatever we wanted. I was told he only had a few months. He lived for another 2years. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I don't have anything to say except I'm so sorry.💐

Exactly this. My mum died in March after being diagnosed with lung cancer the previous June. She was amazingly well at Christmas but went downhill rapidly at the end, which we were totally unprepared for. I wish we had realised sooner how little time she had, I would have done thigs very differently had I had this information beforehand ❤

It was the best thing to do.
It could actually inform your mum as to whether she wants to put herself through chemo.

Having seen the suffering chemo can cause I know if I was told that it would only extend my life by a couple of weeks or a month I wouldn't bother doing it. If she's doing it because she things it'll give her some more years she needs to know it could not be the case as she could have more positive days without the treatment than feeling shit for the last few months of her life.

Big unmumsnetty hugs to you

One thing that leaps out to me in your post is that you do not really mention how you are supported. You just navigated a more-or-less impossible situation and it sounds as if you handled it impeccably. Do you have friends or family that you can lean on?

Your step-father's reaction sounds very normal. If your and his perspectives on the situation differ, try to find the common ground you do have (your love for your mother, presumably) and use that to work on what is best for all of you and your mother right now.

Given those circs you only had 2 choices

1. Lie
2. Tell the truth Your relationship of complete trust with your Mum depended on you doing the second one. If your Mum didn't want to know, she wouldn't have asked. It's a horrible situation to be in. I think from now on, they can keep any more questions/explanations for the experts.

Am so sorry. As a lovely daughter you tried to avoid the bad news but answered your Mums question honestly.
Your stepfather’s denial is 100% normal and allow him to think like that if it helps him process the news .
I hope your Mum continues to feel healthy and active for as long as possible.💐X

Op, please look after yourself and contact Macmillan for support for your dm, and for you. They may be able to offer support.

I am sorry you had to do that. My MIL died from a brain tumour and was insistent that she did not want to know any prognosis. None of us were told how long she had. It was a while ago and we were either forbade from asking ourselves or they could not give out a prognosis without consent. I cannot remember which, just that we did not push for it.
As it transpired, it was 15 months from first seizure to her funeral.
She had radiotherapy in that time, which made her very poorly.
She had no bucket list nor wanted to make one and did not want to see people or do any of the things she had always done, including caravanning because of her appearance (shaved hair) and not wanting pity from others.
All those decisions were absolutely hers, completely, and were respected.

She had written instructions for her funeral years before but not told her husband where they were and had refused to discuss funerals in those 15 months. I was able to recall some of her wishes from previous conversations (music, clothing) but her husband sobbing that we had done it all wrong when he found the letter, will always stay with me.

I guess what I am saying is that many of us do not know what time we have left but that now your Mum does, she is in a position to make that time count for her.
She can, whilst still well enough, do whatever she wants to do and signal her wishes now for what comes later. I wish my Mum had chosen that in a way, because seeing her go through treatments and isolating herself and not doing anything - it felt like time lost looking back. She was fighting but she wasn't living. Informed decision-making would have been my choice, but it wasn't hers and we respected that. At least your Mum knows and so can get her things in order/prioritise and plan accordingly who she wants to see, what she wants to do, where she wants to go and how she wants to go in the end - rather than over a year of appointments/treatment to extend life when, in real terms, my Mum had put her life on hold.

Wishing you all strength and love and as good a Christmas as you can all have Xx

How awful for you but I don’t think in the circumstances you had any choice but to tell the truth. I hope you get some support too.

Ah, in typing that all out, I see that alcemeg has put it much more succinctly and better than I have She is right in what she says including you being brave. Do not beat yourself up Xx

Nothing you can do really other than be there for her/them. My DF died 12 days after being diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer, he was in his 90's had been good until the last few weeks, living independently and still able to drive. He wasn't in pain, mentally brilliant and what got me concerned was he was quite breathless walking from one end of the house to the other.

It may just take her some time for it to sink in.

Sorry this is happening to you