I had to give DM the worst news

[anotherNameJustForThis]

I’ve name changed for this as I feel it must be very outing. I’ve never known anyone to have done what I had to do the other day.

DM is 79 and has cancer. She had surgery a few weeks ago and when the surgeon spoke to us afterwards, she told us that she was unable to remove it all. She told us that she would know more after pathology results were back but that there was more diseased tissue than she’d expected which made her think this cancer was very aggressive.

DM is really ‘on the ball’ generally, however, is not taking a lot of this in so she asked me to deal with the doctor and gain all the information. The doc called me with pathology results. It is, as she suspected, a very aggressive cancer and she asked if I wanted to know the prognosis. DM hadn’t asked and she said that one part of her job was to understand what each person wanted to know. I told her I wanted her to tell me everything. She told me DM had “months, not a year”. It felt like a blow but I could almost pretend I hadn’t heard that because DM didn’t know and she and my step-dad were talking in very positive terms. The doc also reminded me that DM is currently asymptomatic so should do what she can to enjoy life while she can.

All week conversation with DM has been mainly about her cancer. How scared she is but hopeful that chemo would buy her a few years. She thought she could maybe have 5 years, etc. she kept asking me things that I (stupidly) thought I was successfully side-stepping without her noticing. Of course she bloody noticed!

On Friday night, she asked me outright, looked me in they eye and said, “my name, I know you’d tell me if you knew something that I didn’t.”
So I had to tell my mum that she is dying, that she didn’t even have a year left.
It sounds like a cliche but she recoiled as if I’d punched her. Then I had to tell her husband.

I just wish I hadn’t visited that day. We have an appointment at the hospital soon and I wish she’d waited till then. I feel awful for telling her but how could I not?

It actually felt like I had killed a little bit of her, her hope.

Maybe it’s an expected human response but immediately my step dad started reframing it:
⁃ How could the doctor possibly know this (pathology),
⁃ how can she predict a timescale (pathology plus experience of others with this type of cancer),
⁃ ‘John’ down the road was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and I saw him out running today (John is 40 and had an entirely different prognosis)
⁃ Etc etc.

The thing is, I believe the doctor. I don’t know why a seemingly healthy (asymptomatic) woman will die in a few month because she seems fine now, but I believe she will.

I think I am writing this for myself, not really for any answers. I don’t feel that I’m coping very well and don’t know what to do.

That’s such a tough thing to have to do OP.

You didn’t have a choice but to tell her. Everyone is going to be in shock right now, and her and her husbands denial is normal.

All you can do is support, while also taking care of yourself. Loosing your mum is really seismic so try and make sure you have support while you are looking after her.

I wouldn’t often challenge the denial as people need to work through things in their own time. What would be good is you can gently encourage her to do and sort out the things you know she will want to in the times she has.

I think the doctor should have told your mother the diagnosis - it's her job.

This 100%

I was in the same position at the height of the pandemic. Was told by the doctors that DM had 6-12 weeks left. My parents knew I'd seen the doctor, but wisely never pushed me to tell them what had been said. DM died exactly 6 weeks later. My DM was adamant she didn't want to go into a hospice, so everything was done to accommodate her at home, which included a hospital bed in the lounge and other adaptations. Can you take time off work to care for her? I had no work, because of the pandemic, so it was easy for me to care for DM, and it's a good job, because my Dad was shockingly useless. Without me there, she wouldn't have taken her meds or had proper care. It's very tough and I wish you all the best

OP "I don’t feel that I’m coping very well and don’t know what to do."

you should not have been put in this position. I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

I wouldn't challenge the denial as it may be better to let the blow fall by degrees. Also, there will be a margin for error. That's another reason mum should have these talks with the doctor.

for me, the worst thing at many points of dad's rare cancer was lack of control. But you can control what you do. You do the daughter bit. The medics can relay medical information.

it may be very up and down. My dad did a 100 mile drive, round trip, to see family a few days before his last hospital admission, which was the marker for three months of the last stage. People who didn't know were absolutely shocked by his death. Sadly, there may be ups and downs.

all good wishes to you

I am so sorry OP - for you and your whole family, including your mum who must be so scared. You did the right thing all the way through. Sending you hugs.

So sorry OP, it’s just horrendous, my late MIL went downhill very, very quickly. Try to prepare yourself as much as you can.

I hope you can get some real life support OP.

My mum was diagnosed with a fairly rare cancer aged 79 after getting unwell (properly unwell, as with hindsight the were vague signs for a few months before) one Christmas. She never wanted detail about any illnesses and this was no exception, and she didn't want to talk about any of it. The doctor told me the diagnosis and I pushed him for his best guess at a prognosis which was 3 months - she died the following March. I wish we'd had a chance to talk about things but she wanted to chat like nothing was wrong, and quickly was too unwell to talk much anyway. I was fortunate to have support from family, friends and work but the best person was a lady (vicar I think) in the hospice who found me sitting in the chapel (I'm not religious but I like the peace) and struck up a conversation.

You were in a difficult position but it sounds like you dealt with it as well as you could. As others have said, try not to enter into an "argument"with your steps-father about the whys and wherefores - that's for the medical people to deal with.

Thinking of you 💐

You did the right thing, OP, although really I think the doctor should have delivered the news.

The time left really is based on means and averages - your mother may well live for longer and possibly quite a lot longer - but the key point is to make the most of what time there is.

My mum died of a brain tumour - when diagnosed, she was given about 4 months to live but actually lived 9 months, though she was pretty much asleep for the last month. We made the most of her time.

This is a time to treasure and make plans for the funeral if your mum wants to. My mum was able to express some wishes and that was helpful and a comfort when the time came.

Absolutely this.

I am so sorry, OP.

Sometimes we don't want to know, but we also can't bear not to know. Much much love to you and your family.

You are so brave OP and you took the only course that was available to you. Your mum wanted to know the truth and you told, in a place where she was comfortable and safe and with loved ones. As others have mentioned, I hope you have real life support for the months ahead.

Oh gosh what a hard thing to face. If I was in your shoes I think I’d have to lie. No way could I tell my precious mum that as it would break her. Sometimes denial is the better option . Be there for her and support her with everything she needs now.

Really sorry your going through this. Statistically the doctors know what they're looking at but sometimes there's always an exception. My stepfather had bowel cancer which after the operation was found to have spread to his liver.
The doctor said she expected him to go down within a few months but he had a further 2 1/2 years and was able to go back to Poland for a holiday. Try and make the most of every day you have together.

I'm so very sorry you had to tell your DM the worst news
They will be in denial at first, that's normal
Hopefully they will absorb the news gradually as they meet with her Medical team
My Father was the same when told he had bowel cancer, he told everyone he was fine after an operation( He died shortly afterwards)

She desperately wanted this information, which is why she was fishing for it, and why she finally confronted you for it. She trusted you to tell her because she knows you love her. Well done. 💗💗💗💗💗

100x this op. She knows she could trust you to tell her the truth. And she's lashing out because - like kids who lash out at their parents - she knows that you love her unconditionally and she feels safe to do so. It's a bit twisted psychology, and it hurts like fuck, but it's true.

In the meantime, take a moment for yourself. Macmillan we're amazing for us right through to the end and beyond. Big soft, warm, snotty sobbing hugs to you op x

When my mum was dying of a very aggressive cancer she and I wanted to know as much as possible about it, prognosis, what to look out for etc etc. My siblings and my dad didn't want to know anything, so they didn't look anything up and stuck to their line that she would have chemo and still plenty of time. This was so tough because mum and I both knew she had weeks really.

Her death was very traumatic for all but I am so glad that I did my research and asked lots of questions, it meant that it followed a trajectory I felt calm about. Very close to the end, when mum had gone really and there was just a dying body of behind, I was able to recognise terminal restlessness, explain it to family and call the doctor in.

It helped me to know. But I never told my dad or my siblings what I knew. I told them I had the information and it was there if they wanted it, but they didn't want to know. I have respect for their decisions. They were dealing with it in their way.

Denial is abs9lutely understandable as couple of posters have said

OP, read up on grief pathway - it’ll only take you a few minutes but could really help you understand both how you feel, and how others are reacting,

it may make it just a little bit easier to handle reaction like your SFs

I also think you did the right thing in telling her because she asked for the truth. Lying, even a good lie, in this situation, is not fair. But at the same time, whilst the doctor is almost certainly correct in her prognosis, encourage your mother to continue to live life to the full for as long as she has left, and not to assume anything. Someone I know got the same prognosis in April 2020. Months not years, and due to Covid they wouldn't even treat her. Basically it was palliative care until she died. Which was four months ago!!! She knew the worst so she just carried on with life. As she said, most people don't know death is coming but it is still coming... Your mum could last longer or not, but I am a firm believer in the idea that attitude is as important as medicine.

She asked you to hold that information until she was ready to receive it. When she did the Mum voice, it was her saying it was time to tell her.

What your SD's reaction is isn't the thing right now - maybe part of the reasoning behind asking you to do this for her was a worry about how he would react and knowing she couldn't be doing with supporting him at the same time - she now has the information, which was never going to be easy to know, but she received it from somebody she loves and trusts, exactly at the time she was able to receive it.

You did exactly the right thing and there is no actual reason to feel guilty about that; of course you will, because you're a lovely person. But you did this in observance of her wishes.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What a very tough position you were in. You dealt with it beautifully. 💐

When my mum had advanced stomach cancer, I went to several of her oncology appointments with her. My dad had recently died, also of cancer, so my mum was in the midst of deep grief while having to confront her own situation. I sat in those appointments and heard what her oncologist said: ‘It is not in anyone’s best interests to do another round of chemo. You will receive palliative care now. Time to surround yourself with your loved ones, and do what you can to enjoy life’.

Mum knew she was dying but chose not to talk about it, other than telling me there was a piece of paper in the kitchen drawer with her funeral wishes written on it which I should look at ‘at a later date’. Aside from that, she talked as if she wasn’t ill at all. She couldn’t actually do much as she was so poorly by then, but I sat with her while she looked at holidays online and told me of her travel plans for the following year. She also ordered a very expensive summer house and looked forward to spending time in it the next summer.
She did not go on any holidays, nor did she get to see her summer house, but I enjoyed those conversations with her. I think it helped her to make future plans, even though we both knew they were unlikely to come to fruition.

@anotherNameJustForThis i am so sorry that you had to do this, but it was absolutely the right thing. I am also sorry your Mum is going through this.

To answer your question, as pp have said, the decline can be rapid. Having watched my Dad decline, it was noticeable that there were key events for him, which were almost milestones, after which there would be a further decline.

As pp has said MacMillan are really helpful and can provide practical help but also support for you, your Mum and the family. Be prepared for the fact you start the grieving process now, I had a lot of private tears which actually helped me come to terms with it all.

My Dad stayed at home and had carers once a day. The caring did take a toll on my Mum, as it does on any carer, and I always made sure to check how she was coping. Actually keeping busy helped her. I know you can get hospice at home in some areas and this was the approach we would have taken had we needed it.

It also helped that my Dad accepted he was dying and as soon as he came out of remission he signed a DNR, made sure finances and paperwork (will etc) were all in place for my Mum and wrote his own funeral. We talked about it but didn’t dwell on it, we accepted it, which made it easier for my Dad. We also had happy days where the memories made are very precious.

I was in your position a few years ago and it was so difficult. Your going to feel a lot of emotions over the next few weeks and so is your mum. My mum only lasted six weeks after her diagnosis and was up walking around up until 3 days before she died. All you can do is be there, say everything you have to say and try and make the most out of your time left together. Its a very scary position to be in I thought I would fall apart when my mum passed but I've coped. Wishing you all the very best x ❤️

I'm grateful it wasn't me but this happened to two of my brothers. I was in ICU in a different city hospital following major surgery. DB found DM on the floor at home unable to get up. She had stayed away from me the week before because she thought she had a sickness bug. Before that she was to all intents and purposes healthy.
DBs took her to A&E and within hours were being told she had weeks to live with ovarian cancer. They had no idea it was coming, you expect biopsies needing to be taken and results taking days. DM had had a scan that day which showed it had absolutely ravaged her body.
My siblings tried to keep it from me initially because I was so poorly but DH was sat by my bed when DS called to tell him and I overheard it. I thought I'd never see her again. I was released ten days later, much earlier than planned and was allowed to visit DM. She never came home but I did get to see her. I hope your mum stays asymptomatic as long as possible.

i.m really sorry and disappointed that the consultant put you in this position, this is precisely why info on prognosis is most appropriately given to the actual patient themselves as and when they ask for it, rather than to relatives. It was a cop out of the surgeon to avoid telling your Mum they couldn't remove all the tumour and why they think the info is best coming from a relative rather than from staff who have been specifically trained in breaking bad news, I really don't know. If you have any specialist nurses involved perhaps you can ask them to have a follow up conversation with your mum and step-dad to answer some of their questions and perhaps you can discuss referral to palliative care with the GP or other health care staff. There's a lot of work that goes on in hospice to prepare someone and their family for their death and this may prove helpful as your mum may well be in a bit of shock at the moment.