I had to give DM the worst news

[anotherNameJustForThis]

I’ve name changed for this as I feel it must be very outing. I’ve never known anyone to have done what I had to do the other day.

DM is 79 and has cancer. She had surgery a few weeks ago and when the surgeon spoke to us afterwards, she told us that she was unable to remove it all. She told us that she would know more after pathology results were back but that there was more diseased tissue than she’d expected which made her think this cancer was very aggressive.

DM is really ‘on the ball’ generally, however, is not taking a lot of this in so she asked me to deal with the doctor and gain all the information. The doc called me with pathology results. It is, as she suspected, a very aggressive cancer and she asked if I wanted to know the prognosis. DM hadn’t asked and she said that one part of her job was to understand what each person wanted to know. I told her I wanted her to tell me everything. She told me DM had “months, not a year”. It felt like a blow but I could almost pretend I hadn’t heard that because DM didn’t know and she and my step-dad were talking in very positive terms. The doc also reminded me that DM is currently asymptomatic so should do what she can to enjoy life while she can.

All week conversation with DM has been mainly about her cancer. How scared she is but hopeful that chemo would buy her a few years. She thought she could maybe have 5 years, etc. she kept asking me things that I (stupidly) thought I was successfully side-stepping without her noticing. Of course she bloody noticed!

On Friday night, she asked me outright, looked me in they eye and said, “my name, I know you’d tell me if you knew something that I didn’t.”
So I had to tell my mum that she is dying, that she didn’t even have a year left.
It sounds like a cliche but she recoiled as if I’d punched her. Then I had to tell her husband.

I just wish I hadn’t visited that day. We have an appointment at the hospital soon and I wish she’d waited till then. I feel awful for telling her but how could I not?

It actually felt like I had killed a little bit of her, her hope.

Maybe it’s an expected human response but immediately my step dad started reframing it:
⁃ How could the doctor possibly know this (pathology),
⁃ how can she predict a timescale (pathology plus experience of others with this type of cancer),
⁃ ‘John’ down the road was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and I saw him out running today (John is 40 and had an entirely different prognosis)
⁃ Etc etc.

The thing is, I believe the doctor. I don’t know why a seemingly healthy (asymptomatic) woman will die in a few month because she seems fine now, but I believe she will.

I think I am writing this for myself, not really for any answers. I don’t feel that I’m coping very well and don’t know what to do.

Not sure if this has been said but do you have support from your local hospice? They can be amazingly helpful.

I'm so sorry to read your update. It's a truly horrible situation, all the more confusing as the parent/child role almost reverses but as the child you do want to curl up and be a carefree five year old again.

There are few blessings in such a situation, but one thing I remember genuinely fondly from the time my Dad had chemo was that it made us sit and talk for ten hours at a time when I took him. Don't get me wrong, the whole circumstance was grim and it was unpleasant for him, but I'm so glad we got that time to talk amongst our otherwise busy lives.

I hope your mum is well looked after, whatever the next steps may be, and wish you an inner strength you probably never knew you had.

you may not know (I didn't anyway) that the local hospice often supports people ages before they get to the end stage- in other words, with the living bit of it all. They have day centres, events, therapy, creative stuff and so on at ours, in a very supportive nice environment, our hospice is like a private hospital. We used it for about a year or so before the final stages.

I didn't know this (well, not until a couple of people mentioned it on this thread) so thanks.

I don't know if I'm answering this from my mum's perspective or my own; but I think it's too early to mention that to her, although I will bear it in mind. Or maybe it's me who's not ready and I'm aware I need to think about that and do what's best for HER, not me.

I think the connotation of the word hospice would frighten her; she is, after all 'well', in that she has no symptoms.

yes I think that's the problem with using the hospice for day events and so on, you have to have accepted you are terminally ill and have a limited time (although it might be years or months). If she is referred to palliative care after or during chemo, then that might be a time it will come up.

That said, my husband swapped in and out of hope and acceptance the whole time- part of him carried on making plans and living for the moment and enjoying life, and part of him accepted he was dying. I don't think these things are simple, and what people need really is to be heard. We sometimes made plans for funerals, other times absolutely didn't mention anything for ages, what people need is complex and you can be led by them to a large extent. Some people may prefer to live largely in denial up to the last minute, some are planners and prefer to confront the truth. Or both.

This is a hard road to be on, do keep posting if it helps.

The hospice may be able to advise and support you too- worth asking them. They tend to take a holistic approach